My mom has dementia and I try to care for her as well as my husband who has a bad heart. His doctor says he won't make it much longer. I'm in bad shape I have rods and screws in my leg and knee and can barely walk I don't get to spend any along time with my husband. She has other kids but they all work so no one will take her in for me. And they tell me I better not put her anywhere so I don't know what to do. I have to bathe her and remind her to take her meds remind her who everyone is. And she's always seeing are hearing something and if I don't believe her she gets mad I'm at my ropes end I don't know what to do anymore and I would feel guilty if I told her she would have to move in with someone else what do I do?
Anything I receive from other care-givers would be a balm to my spirit. No one outside this special group understands the wrenching of the heart in finding that this person, on whom one has so relied, is no longer a support, but has, instead, become a stranger. ..And then, we are alone. It's almost amusing to find we have been demoted to the changer of diapers and the counter of pills; we, who were the life partners, who thought through the decisions -- should we invest here, should we pay for special ed? Now we are deciding, should we look for flea markets, should we sell the house? Who cares? Who is 'we'? Talk to me.
I am so touched by comments by the care-giver victims of this horrible disease. Everyone impacted by this disease is a victim and we all feel that we surely could have done better to fix the loss of our friend or relative. I am relatively new to the disease (at least 10 years) & i know how hard it is to be a bystander -- i keep on trying to reason with my beloved . I laugh at myself when I talk politics with my dear guy. Of course, he never remembers the topic. On the other hand, he never remembers my mistakes, either. I am so lonely. Thank god for my cat.
So my husbands mom: dementia also. At first she was okay, then she would start saying she wanted to kill him. 2 minutes later she denied it. she would say she hated it at his home, yet SHE was the one that called him 4 times a day to ask for him to take her in.
After 3 PSW's (who stole, lied, wouldn't show up), then 3 care facilities we FINALLY found one in Missouri that actually cares and specializes in dementia patients. Did you know, most facilities, the expensive one's, have a set of bed's that are $1,000 per month??? yep. I have to ask hubby what site he looked on. They release X-amount per month. This facility has nurses that specialize in dementia care (separate ward). It was so hard for him to put her there. I hate saying 'put' ... I mean wow. she lived a fab-life and then she gets this terrible disease.
Everyday my husband hates himself taking her there. He tried at home. but just couldn't do it. He wishes he could just 'talk' to her about it, but cant cause she is in the high stages of dementia. She is on/off everyday. But let me tell you this? YOU have to take care of YOU. OR you will go bonkers.
my mother could be fine then one minute she goes off again. saying we taking her money,or stuff missing. she locks everything up and still saying stuff, she is driving my son and I crazy she is 79 . she still driving etc. I don't get it. she can remember things I dunno what to do. family isn't helping out. her doctor wont talk to me I'm not the proxy I do live at her house. She throws things at us. she gets violent. she calls the cops on us for nothing. saying we do things when we don't. we even video tape her when she acts up for proof its her. its dementia I know it. or she has 2 personalities. I cant afford to move out. I will be homeless. I'm not getting help. shes active for her age she don't even look 79. people think like 60. any haelp
my mom who is 68 has dementia and is living with my family,im finding its getting worse on a everyday basis.im so tired and im just burned out,but its my mom who took care of myself and my brothers.i dont want to put her in a home im so afraid she will hate me,she is aware of whats going on,she is confused but i know she know who i am i dont how long that will last but for now i will take it....best wishes to your family
my mom who is 68 has dementia and is living with my family,im finding its getting worse on a everyday basis.im so tired and im just burned out,but its my mom who took care of myself and my brothers.i dont want to put her in a home im so afraid she will hate me,she is aware of whats going on,she is confused but i know she know who i am i dont how long that will last but for now i will take it....best wishes to your family
thank god for this site! I come here just to escape and re -center myself, so that I can get a semblance of daiiy adaptation! thanks to all who have been so much help to me! Sometimes they say god wont give us any,more can handle well somehow I get through each day just fine, sometimes with a minute at a time................Just have to keep saying the cup is half full, not almost empty!
And if you decide that placing your mother in a care facility is the best decision, then do not feel guilty. In your heart, you know best. You are wanting to provide the best care your mother can receive while preserving your own health and sanity.
Has your family already reached the limit of what they can handle?
1. How is your own physical, emotional, and social health?
2. How healthy is your spouse?
3. How healthy is your marriage?
4. How healthy are your teenagers? Are they needing mom and dad more or just less drama with grandpa and grandma in the house?
5. What have your friends and anyone else said about how they perceive you, your spouse and your teenagers are doing? If no one has said anything, they might be hesitant, so ask those whose opinions you are the most open to hearing from.
I wish you well with all this. It is not easy, but none of this is. I do hope you have already gotten both durable and medical POA for your parents.
That all depends on how much your family can handle, how much skill she needs now to take care of her,,,,,,,,,,, I would take her to the doctor explain whats been going on, and see maybe she might be ready or willing to go to long term skilled care or assisted living, just a suggestion, especially if you feel like you dont have a life anymore!! You are important too!
Gosh GHPC1, if only this wonderful care facility in Vancouver, BC woulduld allow what you are suggesting, viz. a gradual acclimatization that would be wonderful. They do suggest visiting the place so that mother gets familiar with the surroundings. They will allow her to move out if after three months of living in she still hasn't assimilating into the community. But I agree with you regarding this acclimatization approach. Makes sense to me. I must check out other facilities in my area.
One of the previous posters hit on what I think you should try. Depending on her financial situation try to find a facility that offers respite care and full time care. That way you can take her just for the day at first then maybe for a weekend and then for a week long stay. Do this over time so that you both get used to it slowly. That way you can also see what kind of care they are providing before you commit to a long term situation. You don't want to have to move her only to find you or she does not like the place and have to move again. You can't do it on your own and it sounds like it's time you got some help. Good luck to you.
i think we all gave her good answer DanieRomero i dnt think N1 said anything bad were here to vent ,give advice to the ones that need it you gave her some good answers too so let not get anyone upset. taking care of a alz patient is very hard and it can get to some people cause its a disease i dnt think anyone will understand cause i sure in the hell dnt but we half to try and do the best we can to help other with their situatiion if we can i know i got some darn good advices from alot of people on here and i take care of the elderly (alz) for a living i enjoy it and from what i have been throught for the last 6 yrs i probably should had been a nut house but i was strong and it didnt make me crazy....so lets try and help
I'll ignore N1's comments and try to answer your question. The answer is as long as you can remain sane, healthy and fulfilled. The question of when to say I've done all I can and it is time that she goes to a dementia care facility or skilled nursing facility is a difficult one. However if you can see yourself declining that means your ability to be a caregiver is also declining. Hence, the decision to move her to a DCF or SNF is prorbaby what's best for all .Try to remain guilt free, visit as often as you are able. Do a thorough job of researching the facilities, there is a great discrepancy in care (from great to abusive/illegal). Good luck and God bless.
i know thats a hard decision to make and i cant base it on my experience because my dad stayed home til the end and all alz patients are different..but i would take baby steps with this if she is not use to living somewhere else just like the rest of them said if you end up placing her in a facility, i would put her close to you so you can see her daily but once she is in there and adjusting i would back off of seeing her everyday so she can be adjusted to the place and you get adjusted to where she is not with you..its gonna be hard i seen my gr mother n law go through this and my mother in law had a hard time going to see her every day actually the faciity suggested that she not come every day cause it was hard for grm n law to get adjusted her leaving her there all the time but it work out shes been there two yrs and my mother n law can go see her twice a week and she is doing fine with it now.
My 83 year old mother has dementia to some degree and getting worse. She hates for me to correct her, so I don't unless is it absolutely necessary. But, to listen to her talk to her doctor or even friends on the phone or those who visit, is a nightmare. She gets so much incorrect. She actually thinks her retina doctor has put a shot in her eye. He did not, but because she has heard her brother talk about the shots he has in his eyes and a lady at the senior center also, she now thinks this retina doctor has put a shot in her eye. I don't correct her, but I do tell the other person she did not have that done!! We do have to watch her more closely because of the dementia because sometimes she thinks she is to take her 24 units of Lantis insulin at night along with her 5 units of Humologue insulin. Lantis in morning only for her. Living with mother is so frustrating. She is confrontational on everything, always complaining about her bad health, and is getting paranoid about her money. We finally hired a sitter for three days while my husband and I went to MD Anderson for his cancer check-up. Mother told me to let her know IF she needed to HELP pay the sitter. Mother doesn't know it but SHE paid the sitter!!! She and my step-dad have saved up a lot of money over their years together for their old age and she doesn't want anyone to have any of it. So, she'll pay for the sitter! She is spending her old age money. God bless us all!!!
I had to make this decision this past January. My Mom was slowly going downhill for 3 years. She had then lived alone in elderly housing. She had been on her own for 39 years since my Dad passed away at a young age. So Mom was used to being independent. The signs crept up slowly that she had dementia. In January she was hospitalized for pneumonia. Other complications were found as well. I lived 45 minutes from Mom and had to find a way to bring her closer to me. She ended up in a rehab near me only 12 minutes away. Still Mom was showing more signs of dementia on top of her other medical problems. Putting ones parent in a nursing home is a very,very hard decision to make. I had to make that one and Mom is now in permanent care in the same place she was rehabbed. I knew in my heart I couldn't take care of her 24/7 and couldn't afford home care. I also have the power of attorney which is very important as folks will tell you! One thing I will tell you visit as often as you can and keep on top of things. You need to be a advocate for your parent. I usually drop in different days so the folks there never know which day. Even the best of places can be lax at times. Good luck! BtW my Mom will be 88 this December.
We have mom and dad both, and we have 3 teenagers so it is getting a little exhausting on top of all the doctor appts. with dad since he has heart and seizure issues. I really need a nurse to come in a couple times a week so that mom has interaction with other people. Dad does not want to go to any type of social outings due to mom being so bad off.
This is a tough decision, but logicaly it's obvious. You can't look after mom if you wear yourself out. Respite care where mom goes away for a week or so at a time can help extend the time you are able to care for her. Try Hospice, they offer respite car in some areas. It's sad, but I found myself better able to cope once I had accepted the inevitability of the downward path of dementia. You're not alone. Good luck and good health.
ginamahoney it all depends on how much you can handle my mom is 78 with dementia and I am trying to get her into a place now not just because she is driving us crazy although some days she can really make my patiences run thin, It is more for her I have to worry every day what she will do next. I think carring for a parent is the hardest thing to do. Best of luck to you
How long your Mom stays with you is certainly your choice. My Mom has dementia and we never know what she will do or say. Basicaly we have to keep an eye on her 24/7. If you are at the end of your rope, don't feel quilty if you feel you need to place your Mom in a facility for her safety and your sanity. When choosing a facility you may want to get one close to you, so that you can visit often. I know others have indicated that after placing their parents they actually flourished with the activity and companionship of other elders. Just remember that I am sure in the beginning it will be a big adjustment for everyone. Good luck and take a deep breath.
..And then, we are alone.
It's almost amusing to find we have been demoted to the changer of diapers and the counter of pills; we, who were the life partners, who thought through the decisions -- should we invest here, should we pay for special ed?
Now we are deciding, should we look for flea markets, should we sell the house? Who cares? Who is 'we'?
Talk to me.
I laugh at myself when I talk politics with my dear guy. Of course, he never remembers the topic. On the other hand, he never remembers my mistakes, either.
I am so lonely. Thank god for my cat.
After 3 PSW's (who stole, lied, wouldn't show up), then 3 care facilities we FINALLY found one in Missouri that actually cares and specializes in dementia patients.
Did you know, most facilities, the expensive one's, have a set of bed's that are $1,000 per month??? yep. I have to ask hubby what site he looked on. They release X-amount per month. This facility has nurses that specialize in dementia care (separate ward).
It was so hard for him to put her there. I hate saying 'put' ... I mean wow. she lived a fab-life and then she gets this terrible disease.
Everyday my husband hates himself taking her there. He tried at home. but just couldn't do it. He wishes he could just 'talk' to her about it, but cant cause she is in the high stages of dementia. She is on/off everyday. But let me tell you this? YOU have to take care of YOU. OR you will go bonkers.
well somehow I get through each day just fine, sometimes with a minute at a time................Just have to keep saying the cup is half full, not almost empty!
1. How is your own physical, emotional, and social health?
2. How healthy is your spouse?
3. How healthy is your marriage?
4. How healthy are your teenagers? Are they needing mom and dad more or just less drama with grandpa and grandma in the house?
5. What have your friends and anyone else said about how they perceive you, your spouse and your teenagers are doing? If no one has said anything, they might be hesitant, so ask those whose opinions you are the most open to hearing from.
I wish you well with all this. It is not easy, but none of this is. I do hope you have already gotten both durable and medical POA for your parents.
Gosh GHPC1, if only this wonderful care facility in Vancouver, BC woulduld allow what you are suggesting, viz. a gradual acclimatization that would be wonderful. They do suggest visiting the place so that mother gets familiar with the surroundings. They will allow her to move out if after three months of living in she still hasn't assimilating into the community. But I agree with you regarding this acclimatization approach. Makes sense to me. I must check out other facilities in my area.
The question of when to say I've done all I can and it is time that she goes to a dementia care facility or skilled nursing facility is a difficult one. However if you can see yourself declining that means your ability to be a caregiver is also declining. Hence, the decision to move her to a DCF or SNF is prorbaby what's best for all .Try to remain guilt free, visit as often as you are able. Do a thorough job of researching the facilities, there is a great discrepancy in care (from great to abusive/illegal). Good luck and God bless.
Best of luck to you