How much help do you really want from your kids?
Where do you draw the line on the kind of help you want from your kids? I understand we want our kids to visit, call, and step in as POA when needed. However, what about the day to day stuff?
I am doing things for my parents that I never would want my kids to do for me, and I believe my parents would never have wanted me to do for them. But I see them struggling and when I step in they don't stop me. I call almost every day and visit, but I also do things like drop off dinners, clean their house, have ordered lawn service, and have checked to make sure their bills are getting paid. I also have facilitated doctor appointments and interpreted test results for them. And last but not least I have done very personal assistance such as taking my mom to the bathroom, shaved her legs, polished her nails, held a urine cup for a test sample, supplied her with depends when my dad forgot, sent notes to doctors to make sure her symptoms are addressed during appointments, and applied her favorite perfumed body lotion to her arms and legs during a recent hospital stay.
My mom is ill, my dad just has limits on how much caregiving he can do. I step in where I see things aren't getting done. My parents don't ask, but seem willing to accept whatever I offer which has to make them feel very bad.
Even if your kids are willing and able, how much help do you really want from them?
My mom is only 75 but my dad was put in a memory care ALF 8 months ago and mom is pretty much "losing it" alone. I am shocked. She was super feminist woman until she turned 70 and then decided she was "too old" to do much of anything. Now at 75 she is starting to imply that I'm not doing enough for her, calling multiple times per day and seems irked if I am doing anything outside of work or household chores (I feel guilty if do anything remotely fun).
I manage my dad's care at the ALF and my husband and I help mom with yard work, and I help with some logistics (like insurance, taxes, etc.) and bill paying. Now she's implying she needs help cleaning her house. I told her (when she refused to move from their large home) that I can barely keep my own home maintained, and my husband and I can't take on hers as well.
BTW - the reason I manage dad's ALF care is that my mom refuses to do so. She says it's too much of a burden for her.
I am just shocked, shocked that she went from "I am woman, hear me roar" to this, at only 75. She and my dad always promised me they would never become a burden and never ask me to give up my own life for theirs. Now they have become my hobby and "what I do in my spare time". If I did have children, I would not do this to them.
My own mother urged and pressured me to move from Pennsylvania to Florida when she started needing help. Lots of parents urge their kids to quit their jobs and even leave their families behind to come provide care. My sister and I take my mother to all her doctors appointments as well as shopping, errands, etc. She breaks down in tears at the mere mention of assisted living (not that she could afford it anyway).
I would feel the way you feel, GingerMay, except that I have no children. My mother feels the opposite way. She feels entitled to expect her kids to provide whatever she needs. In her retirement community, there are many elderly whose adult kids have moved in to take care of them, leaving their own lives behind to do so. It's so common that nobody feels bad or thinks it should be otherwise. I hate seeing that, honestly. I hate thinking that every time one of us steps up to fill a need with our elderly parents, there are more people seeing that as the expected thing and the way it ought to be, rather than a problem and a situation that needs to be addressed by society providing more services to dependent elderly.
My mother has been almost completely dependent on my brother, with whom she lives, for the last 10 years, and since she plans to live to be 100, that's 12 more years. I know he regrets taking her and daddy in. Daddy passed after living there 7 years.
I know that I have great hopes that I will NEVER have to live with any of my kids. We've financially prepared for independent living for the rest of our lives, but honestly, who knows? All my kids have said I could live with them--well I am only 61 and still going pretty strong. They think I'd be the babysitter/housecleaner/errand runner that I am now, not a sick old lady who needs her depends changed.
I think a certain amount of "service" to your parents is fine. I don't know when the line gets crossed and the roles reverse to a child being the parent. It happens so slowly. My brother takes my mother to all her dr appts and is her "voice". She acts as if he is her guardian and jailer at the same time. For them, the roles reversed a long time ago.
Your parents are able to make decisions, they live independently, right? At least your dad is. Sounds like it's your mom who takes most of your efforts. You can control how much time you spend with them....it's a fine line between "service" and "servitude".
Despite my best intentions, I know that the day will come when the kids get together and say "what are we going to do about Mom?" and wow, I hope they put me in the nicest ALF they can find.
I guess the answer is: how much do they NEED and how much can you DO before there begins to be resentment or anger? If you are OK with what you're doing, it's really not "right" or "wrong"..it just is what it is.
I just want my kids to love me and I do not want to outlive the love they have for me.