How much help do we hire for Dad in assisted living?

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He is now legally blind, almost deaf, and was newly diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. We just moved Dad, 96 years old, to Summerwood in CT. My bro is POA who is caregiver. Bro is fried like we are now and hopes to wean dependency out of father by leaving him in AL for 2 weeks and see what happens This is upsetting sister and I. She's in Fl and I live an hour and a half away. I see Dad once a month, noticing memory in steady decline. Although Dad is in a palace with a caring AL staff, they can't be with him like an aide. My rich bro and Dad has funds too. refuses to give Dad an aide even a day a week because Dad will keep asking him, when she is coming. Bro did a pretty good job till now. Can Dad possibly improve his emotional dependency when he has so many obstacles? Will the AL insist Dad get more help?
I appreciate your suggestions. Thanking you in advance.

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Hi Everyone. Dad is doing great so far. The place where he is has a great staff and all kinds of options for help that are reasonable in cost. He is slowly adjusting to this and the changing family situation. The person in the family who was stealing thousands from Dad is going to be in deep hot water because my brother hired a lawyer and is trying to punish her. I am just an observer: only the daughter who has no voice in this scene. Brother seems to be saving the Dad though doing all the right things for Dad and has established a good relationship with him: probably only time in their lifetimes that they had one. I am counting my blessings the brother who didn't look like a nice bro or good son is now coming into the light. Old wounds are being healed over the care of our father. Even between my divorced aging parents.

Meanwhile I am still riding the waves of being there for Mom. Luckily she is still taking care of herself at 94, has other helpers, and I have assigned myself to manageable roles without getting sucked into her often negative energy. Many times we have what could be fun.

I pray that both of them go out of this life in some kind of relatively painless fashion. But that's up to the Divine Director.
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The good thing about visiting Dad with Mom was since she took over I was off the hook for trying to communicate with him. But yeah, next time I go alone.
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You have a 'win' for your side, if that is the way you see things. MOM is happy now. You have accomplished your goal. Both Mom and Dad are satisfied with the visit. I know you weren't, but they are the ones that matter as they have no filters to let them know when they have 'fouled up'. God Bless You for your very hard work in this caregiving struggle!!
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Thanks you guys. My mother called me today to thank me for the "beautiful time she had!" Chuckle, chuckle. Yes, she had a great time. She did not notice how her behavior effected me or Dad. Well, that's mental illness. If she wasn't like that she'd had been a totally different mother, wife, etc. It's pathetic and some of me, now that I am home, can feel compassion for her own guilt trips that she is trying to fix by this tripy behavior.

Ah well, I wish I were one of those women who can be kind and unruffled by others. I am trying...
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To some extent, you would have to ignore your mother's UNACCEPTABLE behaviour!
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So sorry your visit with your Dad went the way it did. I realize mom was no help!!
A full day may be a bit long, but you would know that better than anyone! Seeing Dad on your own is a good idea, but be careful of talking "about" Mom in the time you have with him. There are lots of other things to visit about. Come here to vent, that is good. The only way your own anger will NOT eat you up is if you give this anger up. Nothing you can do to change Mom's behavior! Nothing you can do to change whatever hassles she is fighting with. She is fighting with herself.... Don't you do the same with yourself!! LET IT GO!! That way you can spend what time you have with Dad in Peace.
Yes, this is much harder than I make it sound. Anger is a powerful emotion and It can easily eat you up. Your taking your Mom to see Dad must have been an a monumental project!! I applaud you for giving it your best!! Now take care of you. Feel free to message me anytime!
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Took my Narcisstic BPD mother to visit my father in his new AL. We spent most of the day with him: took him out to lunch, walked around the grounds with him, rested in his room with him, and ate dinner with him. My brother joined us for the evening.

Dad seemed to be doing better than I thought and he has days when he panics for a few minutes and then resumes his new life. His memory is not good at all, but we think his hearing is his worst enemy. My brother, God bess him, has tried different hearing aids, different doctors, different devices to help him communicate. My brother, in his new role as DPA, and now conservator, is a great problem solver and has built up trust while trying to wean Dad off of his (life long) dependent behaviors.

Bro uses an iPad to type in questions to Dad in big letters (Dad's sight is terrible too) and Dad can read that and respond. But Dad can't learn how to use the iPad and Henry is not there 24-7.

Dad told us a few jokes and smiled on several occasions, which was a real bonus!

What troubled me was my Narc mother's behaviors which I found repulsive, annoying, and offensive, although I am positive that SHE thought she was God's gift to Dad! Actually she pretty much told me that: "I know that God has helped me live just so I can help Dad be happy now." My word, how much delusion and BS can a daughter endure? By the time I got away from her I felt I had just showered in BS.

I hope that Dad found her more pleasing! He looked bewildered, but then he always has that look on his face these days. What Mom looked like and the way she acted, no playwright could have dreamed up! Picture Talulah Bankhead or Lady Gaga on Steroids at 94 visiting her x husband in the AL!

The same woman who had beat her kids, made my father cry, cheated on him throughout the marriage, and NEVER had a conversation with him of any substance or meaning during their 30 year marriage was now draping herself over him like a long lost pal, hanging on to the frail man (probably to keep herself from falling over), and cutting out any possible communication between me and my Dad by interrupting, putting me down, waving her hands and scowling at me whenever I tried to say anything!

Yeah I was blazing mad by the time I drove home by myself late last night and could barely sleep sorting all this junk out.

Trying to set a boundary to avoid this scene again soon I told her in the car on the way home that that all day visit and drive to and fro was too much for me and I planned on going down by myself the next visit. I'd take her every other time.

She got out her F.O.G horns with, "well you might change your attitude knowing we won't be here forever." I said, "No. That doesn't a thing for me."

Enough is enough. Now I will be curious to hear what Dad thought of that visit. If he really liked seeing her, I'll have to endure, but darn it, I'm going to see him on my own and not bring her often.

Several times, I the now senior babysitter had to order my mother to let go of my father because in her Narc way she was grasping his hand leading him without noting that he almost fell over from her forceful and oblivious lead!

I also didn't like that she was clearly demonstrating to everyone at the AL what a good "wife" she was. My father already is full of guilt and pain visiting his real wife in the nursing home dying of Alzheimer's).

Well, had to vent. Anyone relate to this stuff? How do I navigate this without having my own anger eat me up? I felt like my veins were going to burst yesterday watching her.
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juddubuddhaboo! Hope the honey helps. I take a mixture of cinnamon and honey each morning for arthritis in my joints And it works! The cinnamon is supposed to be good, too!
Bless You!~
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Glad it all worked out. When I worked for our local Visiting Nurses, I received calls all the time from upset family members that didn't know what they were going to do with parent once discharged. I would explain that a Social Worker would talk to them before discharge. Options would be discussed about their continuing care. Rehab maybe even suggesting longterm care. Therapy at home. You are under no obligation to follow suggestions. But, if there has been a question concerning longterm nursing for a family member and its suggested, this is the time to do it. Medicaid is more likely to except a patient going directly from a hospital/rehab to longterm than if u take the patient home and find u can't do it.
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Thank you so much everyone!!! It's been a week since Dad went in to AL. I found out that there is a staff member whose sole job is tending to new AL residents for 6 weeks! She helps Dad get to activities, learn to find where things are and how to use the facilities. She introduces him to people and yes, they have a staff there of nurses and helpers of all kinds. My brother visits Dad twice a week, at least, takes him to doctors, and calls him daily and poor bro has a demanding wife and demanding full time job.

My mother and I will visit Dad next week. So far he sounds like he is doing better and better.

Bro said Dad has a foot wound that is not healing: I think from Diabetes 2. Just learned that honey really heals such wounds! Found doctors success with it online in many good sources. Hope Dad's doctor goes with that route.

Will let you know what happens. I know it won't get much better: at 96 with so many obstacles and memory decline. But even if he has another few months of a pleasant life it will be worth the move before the NH phase sets in.

Bless you all.
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