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I post here whenever I have hit rock bottom.


My MIL has been in stage 5, moderate for a very long time. She has been living with the disease for at least 8 years now. She spends 5 months each with us and my husband’s other sibling. The only thing she does is curse me 24/7 either for the food I cook or that I am stealing her clothes. Even if I have cooked the best tasting food, it's horrendous for her, she says SHE makes it way better. If it's freshly cooked, she says it tastes like it's three month old. If I make the right consistency, she says its not cooked but if I cook it longer for her, then it's overcooked. It is so ANNOYING. I am losing my mind. she hates most of the meal options. We cook everyday dreading what yelling we will encounter. Being at the dinner table is a nightmare. Actually being in my house is a nightmare. I feel like running away. Even while I am working from home, she constantly bangs the cupboards, doors and yells loudly (about clothes stealing). It disturbs my work having to hearing this even when I am locked in my room. It affects me mentally, even though I try to shrug it off as the “disease”. She is physically very healthy and active for a 82 yr old inspite of the uncontrolled diabetes she has had for 40 yrs (no heart disease, pressure or any diabetes complications). She never moves her butt to help me and I am the one who does the cleaning, cooking, laundry and upkeep of the two washrooms she uses (which are so filthy). My husband sometimes helps with cooking and he takes care of the medications, but he is honestly scared of her. All she does is curse (not swearing but real curses that evil things happen to me or that I should get a disease and die, let someone shoot you, something fall on your head, let your kids illtreat you, etc). Even in her sleep I can see her cursing me, that means even in her subconscious mind, it's me.  She has now started cursing my 10 yr old son. She does not curse her own children, it's only the in-laws and some grandchildren. Even in the daily evening prayers, I can see her praying to God to punish me and to make me suffer. She takes insulin several times a day yet loves carbs and if we don’t give her what she wants, it's constant tantrums that are sometimes scary. Since we hid the sweet stuff, the only thing she does throughout the day is rummage through the house, every nook and corner. It is so annoying. She also hits the washroom like 50 times a day (it has always been like that, not any UTI). Her routine is drink water, washroom, drink water, washroom and the washroom, no matter how much I clean, gets dirty in 2 days. My problem, is that I am burned out, depressed and it's getting to my nerves. Sometimes I break down and yell but then its 10X times the yelling in return so I just stop because there is no point. I cannot win against her. Especially with an unsupporting spouse who remains quiet during her yelling. We are from South Asian culture, so a nursing home is not an option. I will have to put up with this until the end. And I sometimes feel I might go before her because of the constant curses. I also feel that my personal life and career are not working out as a result. Wondering if it is the curses. She has been in this stage for nearly 5 years. How many years do people stay in this combative stage?

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Get divorced, and remove your son from such a toxic and horrible environment. If your husband was half a man, he'd have removed you and his son from this deplorable home long ago, rather than allowing you to be abused like this and CONDONING it. I dont care what your culture allows or forbids, your humanity demands you to protect yourself and your son from further abuse and indentured servitude.

God is not punishing you for anything. In fact, He's wondering why you're squandering the precious life He gave you, and the life He's allowed you to give your son.
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funkygrandma59 May 2022
And to that I will say Amen and Amen!!!
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I read the first three sentences.

Why are you putting up with this?
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This is not fair to your children. She is husbands responsibility. Sounds to me it maybe ALZ since she has lived this long. Do you take her to a Neurologist? If not u should and get her medicated.

Sorry, this woman needs to be in LTC. This is beyond your ability to care for her.
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Annat123 May 2022
She has ALZ stage 5. Shes on memantine and sleep medication and has several other medications for diabetes. But the sleep med is not working that much, because she has less sleep in the night. She has hallucinations like she is up early in the morning saying we asked her to get dressed to go out. It is pretty scary. She sleeps in the mornings while we are at work simply because she is bored.
What medications could the neurologist give for this?
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Surely verbal abuse of children isn’t OK in your culture? And verbal abuse of you during evening prayers? How might seeing all this discourage your child’s involvement in your religion and culture when he is an adult?
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Annat123 May 2022
We are christians and as some of you know, everything is about forgiveness and suffering. So we including the kids are supposed to forgive and IGNORE since its the "disease". Thats what I hear whenever I air my concerns. But I am concerned because the more I am suppressing my frustration, and not saying anything, it is just increasing my anger within.
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She needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. She may need an anti-psychotic if she's having delusions and/or hallucinations.
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You are saying nursing home is not an option because of your cultural belief, totally understand and respect that.
It is up to your husband whatever her stage to talk to her and absolutely forbid her to talk to you like that!
You are not a slave or servant. Stop cooking, order food or let them eat whatever. Can you maybe go work outside of your home and get your husband to help or hire caregiver?
And get your husband, not you, take her to doctor for some meds, antidepressants etc.
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What a shame that your culture won't allow your MIL to be placed in a facility, or that your husband doesn't step up and assist with his own mother. If it were me, I would just leave and never come back, and then he would have no choice but to step up.
Unfortunately stage five can drag on for many years. One of the gentlemen in my local caregivers support groups wife has had Alzheimer's(had early onset)for going on 19 years now. She's been in what is considered to be the final stage(stage 5)for many years now, and she just keeps on going and going, kind of like the Energizer bunny, except there's nothing cute about Alzheimer's.
So are you really prepared to continue to care for your MIL for many years to come? I predict that if you do that you will either suffer from major health issues or even die from the stress, as statistically 40% of Alzheimer's caregivers will die from stress related disorders before the one they're caring for. If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will.
Something has to change. Perhaps it's time for you to take a much needed vacation(like 2 weeks)by yourself and let your MIL's care fall all on your husband, and see if things won't change dramatically when you get back. It may be worth considering. You MUST take care of yourself as no one else is going to do that for you, so please start today!
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Annat123 May 2022
It even more depressing to see the responses that the Alzheimers stage 5 could drag on for years and the possible stress related issues caregivers could face. I think husband and siblings will research the nursing home option only when MIL is in an immobile stage . Even then, they would rather prefer a paid caregiver to take care of her at our homes rather than a nursing home. I tried the 2 week vacation thing but husband was smart enough to put her at other siblings house for two weeks saying he could not take care of her alone. He would never take care of her alone. Its as if some 18th century rule of obedience and his duties crap...Thank you for your advice.
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Oh, I read posts like this and I always think "There but for the grace of God, go I".

My DH always ASSUMED that I would be super-duper excited to have his mother live with us, someday. I have no idea WHY, as she has never been remotely kind or loving towards me. It has been me bending over to kowtow to her, entirely. "Becasue you are the outsider" was my DH's reasoning. I was to adapt to HER.

A few years ago, he mentioned that she was 'getting worse' and it was probably time to think about moving her in with us. WTH???

I remained calm, but seething underneath. I said "You want to have your mother live with you so you can 'take care' of her? Go right ahead. I'll pack your stuff. I'm NOT going to care for a woman who screams at me (no dementia, just mean) and puts me down--I'm simply won't. YOU can live with her.

He called me selfish and bratty, etc., but of course, in the end, nothing happened b/c I just can be pushed so far and no farther.

Besides, she wants to live with her daughter and my BIL is 100% opposed to that.

I understand the cultural thing. Sometimes it's beautiful and sweet and is a boon to all involved. Usually, not so much.

The fact YOU are feeling the blowback from this is reason enough to not even consider having her live with you for one more day than is absolutely necessary.

If you don't take of YOU first, who will?
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Rock bottom means time for changes. Yes?
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I’m Asian myself. The whole family is more old school and none of them has tried living with their elder for about 40 years. They are very “Asian.” Your family might be different in terms of what they do, but there’s a whole lot of Asians who do different.
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