How many of us are stuck waiting for a major crisis?

It is always hard to watch adults make bad decisions. The fact is, adults do have the right to make bad decisions. We have the right to make choices on how we help and how we prepare and set boundaries. Looking into to what options you have when she does become incompetent, trying to find important papers, and looking around your community at what is available is in your control. Spend your time there instead of watching and waiting for the shoe.

Yes. I am in round two. After 12 years of caring for my mom, the last 2 she was bedridden with multiple health problems in my home, I had a one year break where I barely got my footing back before my MIL ,89, needed help when my husband's only sibling and sister died. I began slowly to realize I had hopes and dreams and made plans during this one year break. At times I feel like I was released from a prison only to be called back with no definite end to my sentence!!! Then I feel guilty for thinking this way. All plans on hold and may never happen. My MIL was not always nice to me, much of this brought on by the now deceased SIL. For the sake of my husband's health so his heart condition would not worsen, I have established a better relationship with my MIL. 12 rough years with my mom and now I feel stuck by the situation with MIL. I am often depressed but get through it like so many of you, by taking it one day at a time and hope I can see the day I can enjoy retirement as my mom wanted me to.

Waiting on the inevitable 'crash' for both Mother and MIL.

They are both 90, actually went to HS together, but didn't know each other.

Mother has maintained a pretty decent level of health, she is batty as can be, but she can pretty much carry on a conversation and take care of herself. MIL recently had a bout of bad health that really took her to the mat. She SHOULD be living in some kind of Assisted Living, but DH, who is her POA won't push for that, so we are just waiting for another fall, another UTI, another bout with pneumonia. She lives alone and lets an aide in once a week to help her bathe (and hates it profoundly, but it's all that's keeping her from a NH).

I think both these women are going to live for-freaking-ever. I fully expect my MIL will outlive both her sons, my DH being one. I feel terribly for my SIL who has maintained the CG duties for her mom. DH travels 3/4 weeks a month and his brother lives 250 miles away and makes it a point to NOT see his mom.

I worry about SIL hanging in there--but she's tough. Dh can't do anything, really. He and his mom fight all the time they are together.

Oddly--our fathers died 15 years ago--8 months apart. We had a rough year, but they were both so sick, it was a blessing.

I honestly don't know what's keeping my mom and my MIL alive. Neither is 'happy' but they still tick along.....my mom was far needier than my MIL, but time has altered that a little.

Just life, I guess.

I totally understand what you are going through. We are in a similar situation with my mom. She hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia, but tells us our dad has it...we all see it otherwise. She’s very functional, and independent minded. The biggest problems are when she drinks too much wine or sherry, then she loses it! My dad is the main one dealing with her, as we all live in other states, and they live outside of their local town. He’s getting burnt out and stressed. He’s 85! She finally said I can look for a place closer to us, which I pray she won’t balk when it happens. I wish you all the best, with our strong willed mothers as they slowly lose function. You might want to ask her provider about pulling her license?

It is so easy to get angry when you're dealing with a hard head (of any age). Your mom has probably always been independent and in her mine, she still is!

You might have a talk with her about being mean to the nurse and tell her something like - when you refuse to answer their questions or get nasty with them, they tell your doctor. They write down everything you say. The doctor might refuse to see you anymore or he might send a report to adult protective to have other people come directly to her home to see if she is ok.

Would she be able to get her car fixed on her own if it suddenly wouldn't work anymore??? That might slow her down on the driving. If you happen to take a part off of it to make it not work, be sure to put a note under the hood that she is no longer safe to drive and tell her a part will have to be ordered...it is a difficult part to find and might take a while...as well, put your phone number on the note. That way she can ask someone to check it out, but they will also see the note and understand the situation. Tape note to obvious place under the hood.

Not sure when her license comes up for renewal, but with doctor getting feed back on her behavior and her physical abilities, he is your best bet on notifying PA that she is no longer safe to drive and should not receive a renewal.

Wow. De ja vu reading your post. I've been going through this stuff since 2010. I am 71 and starting to feel myself slipping already and I have a 90 year old mother still kicking. But I will say that in the last year, she has settled down and doesn't drive, doesn't remember the past very well, and doesn't call me the hateful names she has since this all started. All I can tell you is this: it is what it is. Her stubbornness is what keeps her going, and her stubbornness will be her downfall ….. eventually. It is not a fun ride. All you can do at this point is give her all the room you can for her to destroy herself. I know that sounds very cruel, but I have spent the last 10 years on Xanax so I can deal with my mother. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Do you have any siblings that you can talk to for some help in dealing with your mother? I know I had to have my two brothers and my sister do an intervention with me to get my mother under a little bit of control. Since that has been done, my siblings are now free to enjoy as much of their lives as they can because "mommy" is now in Florida and not in PA so they don't call her, they don't attempt to visit her. She's all mine to deal with. Oh wait, I think we both have some anger issues. LOL. Hang in there. Maybe I gave you just a little smile for your day. I hope things get better for you soon.

Well, if you don't mind my saying...your reactions remind me of myself. Far less little things set me off. I cannot help myself as much as I want to...because in the end if we're not careful, the crisis is going to be OURS. Seriously, I worry about my own health and the toll it may be taking sight unseen.
Actually, don't hate me for this, but I think those health programs with the frequent follow ups are an intrusive pain in the ass. I'm smiling at your mom putting them in their place and telling them to leave her the hell alone (sorry)...but I know, in this case, it might have been somewhat a help.
My guess is that things will progress, on their own, to the point where you will ease in to making decisions and she will not be as combative and unpleasant. For example, at one point I yanked the knobs off the oven and the stove top (electric thank goodness). I still recall the day mom noticed and yelled about my putting those knobs back RIGHT NOW! Of course I didn't. And it was in a blink that it was no longer mentioned.
Safety is a big issue...so I understand the car...that's a separate topic that has been discussed here, and for your own well being and sanity, you need to take some very direct actions on that. She's already been documented to have dementia...because laws vary, I might get some legal guidance or ideas from the local police department...and then I'd snatch her keys or disconnect something under the hood.
You may have to stand by and wait for mom to have a crisis...It's such a miserable situation. Because you feel responsible and will feel guilty if anything happens to her or others...
Would you benefit at all from attending a support group via your local Alzheimer's Assn? We have one that is specifically for adult children.
I think we all deal with this stuff in one way or another. For me it is knowing the end of this story is not going to go well for me. My only sibling is out of state and can't even send an email to say hi how are you, or respond to one I send. I imagine she deletes them before she even reads them. It is beyond hurtful. So I know there are two endings: Dad passes first and I am left with mom with dementia who can't be left alone long so I will need to find a way to get inhome help while I work part-time securing what income I can for my own approaching retirement; or if mom goes first, Dad will be mine to further care for as independent as he likes to think he is; and I will be left to console him mourning a woman he is clueless as to how much I could never stand. I am ambivalent in that as I know some of what she is can't be helped...this is beyond the dementia years. But I am really tired of being wifey. I have been sicker/less resistant to bugs of late.
Hoping things work out for you...

Yes. Your mom has lived her life independently for years. Now she is slowly losing that capability. Imagine how she felt as you were growing up. Children slowly learning independent living skills. On many occasions, she had to guess if you were ready to do whatever (be alone at home, drive a car, cook on a stovetop unattended) you get the idea. Sometimes, a parent is correct in their assumption and sometimes they are not. And the consequences can be minor or dire. Now you are experiences that same thing. In some ways it harder because they are your parent. The dynamic is different. I think that the only way to get through this is with the utmost respect of their long time on this earth. Ultimately, they need to feel in control of their lives as long as possible and that she knows that you are there for her. I do believe that the driving issue is slightly different only in that if she is driving dangerously, there is a different factor to consider. Your worry is real, but like parenting a teenager, you need to pick your battles and seek ways to minimize her symptoms.

Having gone through incidents that many of you describe, my 87 year old mother called 911 and was taken to the ER by ambulance for a possible heart attack. She was in a psychotic state when I arrived. The Dr said she didn’t have a heart attack and that they would release her the next day. Because they didn’t know her, she seemed stable to them. I lied and told the Dr that she had been suicidal and that she had lots of meds at home and that if they released her she would most likely take them. In which case I would sue the hospital for releasing her in this state. The next day I received a call stating she was evaluated by a psychiatrist and would be transferred to a private facility for observation. This led to the proper meds and placement in AL where she comfortable resides and is very happy putting an end to years of anxiety for me.

You will have to watch until it ends. That is the sad truth. Your mother sounds like my dad when I first moved in with him. He kept telling me to go home, until I told him that I had promised mom that I would come and take care of him. The thing that will help you to not have your head explode is to accept the fact that your mom will continue to make bad decisions and think she can do everything. On many things you will be able to redirect her on others you won’t. Remember that your mother is afraid because right now she is probably aware that things aren’t the same with her. You take care of yourself and make sure that you make time away from your mom for yourself and your husband. Believe it or not at some point during this you will find humor in the situations created, humor will help save your sanity.

Me! Starting around 2012, I began to view my parents as a freight train coming at me. I've lived my life waiting for the next shoe to drop ever since. Lots of shoes have dropped, lots of stress, missed opportunities, etc. Dad died last November but mom is still a hot mess and I foresee another 10 years of life this way. Things don't get better, they only get worse. We just ping from one crisis to the next. My mom has become this huge drama queen, which I find interesting because the years I was growing up she would not tolerate any drama from me. She would pretty much just tell me to suck it up, wait until I was an adult and had grown up problems. Now, most of my grown-up problems are from dealing with my parents for the last decade :(

If your mom is still with it she has rights. If you feel she is a danger to herself or others you can call 911 and have her Baker Acted for psychiatric and competency examination.

It doesn’t get any easier—- compounded with family members constantly finding fault with whatever you do or don’t do...or making threats...but not wanting to do anything to help and mom has a “mind of her own” right now. Remember she isn’t herself anymore.... and it’s HARD...... really hard....I agree we are in this limbo state for the course. I continue to pray to God for the answers...... stay in the day and do what you need to do for yourself....I have a strong faith that continues to keep me going..... we don’t know what tomorrow will bring—- stay in faith that God knows what He is doing....

You can begin to make decisions for her when you have a durable POA.
my Mom was reluctant at first, she thought she could do everything herself, though she was already failing to manage the most basic life tasks.
i was finally able to convince her that a POA was a good thing, just in case anything ever did happen to her and she wasn’t able to speak for herself or to write a check.
and a long road from there, but at least I had legal rights to assist her and begin to persuade her to go to Dr Appts.. even though she fights me on it!

That was my life. My mom lived in a house with my brother after my dad passed away. He couldn’t take care of himself never mind take care of her. She wouldn’t leave him because “what would he do”. I was almost hoping for a fall to get her out. Well anyway he drank himself to oblivion thats how I got her out. Then he passed away. So I would say it’s a horrible waiting game.

OH, you get a big hug.

The best course of action: expect to live in this limbo for a long time. Because you will.

You will eventually have to get her into care, as Gemma has described below. Getting your mom there won't be easy but lots of us can tell our stories when you get that far.

My mom is in care but I am trying to keep my 86-y.o. husband with dementia and all sorts of health problems at home. The limbo status never goes away. I do't want to bore you but it can even get harder. My husband has toothaches and swelling but doesn't want to go to the dentist. etc, etc,

I just wake up each morning, focus on what needs to be done that day, and do it. Stay in the day. Eventually the day will come when there are no options: they have to go into care or the ER or something. We will handle that when the day comes.

Your situation is tricky though because while your mom is driving and (I assume) managing her own money) she can be a danger to others and others can be a danger to her. Already "others' were beginning to prey on my mom. We caught it in time. She took the side of the garage out twice. So, this is all really risky and you need to keep an eye on things. More limbo. Just accept it up front.

Good luck and keep in touch!

My brother & I were, we waited 10 years and dealt with all the inconveniences. Finally my mother had a stroke, we jumped. She is now in AL near us, and after all this aggravation, she love where she is. Go Figure!

We felt stuck but not anymore. Moving mom (she doesn't know) into ALMC in a week! But, it was a difficult road getting there. Your mom sounds a lot like my mother a few months ago. I decided I was not living like that and I took the steps I needed to to get her moved. I did take my mom to a geriatric psych a few months ago and anxiety and anti psychotic meds have helped the rage. Now she's just depressed, and, I think, getting tired of raging. Time will tell.
Set your boundaries. Make a plan of action. Your suffering is optional! best wishes.

Piper; Did you call the doc's office today to seek advice about your mom's continuing to drive?

Have you notified the doc's office, in writing, return receipt requested, that your mother is still driving after the doc informed her that she needed a driving evaluation?

If I were in your situation and "mom" asked for help, I would tell her that I can no longer assist her in evading her diagnosis and the law.

If she became unruly, I would call 911 and have her transported to an ER for evaluation of her mental state.

Someone tries to help her and that is how she treats them? Sounds like mental illness or narcissism.  Got the impression she lives with you?  If she leaves, how about telling her that since she is running her own life, she better make other plans, she cannot come back to your home.  And you will be available how and when YOU feel like it.  Again, she is in charge of her life and you are in charge of yours.  I doubt this will "fix" her, but it may relieve some of the pain of being bullied.

I don't think you always have to wait for a crisis to occur to intervene. I'd consult with an Elder Law attorney about your options. A court may be able to assist by appointing a Guardian. States vary on what is required, but, I'd inquire about what evidence is needed in your jurisdiction. The courts wish to protect people unable to protect themselves before they are injured. Based on what I read here and see in real life, it rarely come a time when the senior who has mental decline says, I'm not competent, I need help, please make the decisions on my behalf.

Piper, does your DH do Mom's taxes?

Has someone shown her how much cold hard cash she is going to lose by declaring herself a PA resident ?

I'd show her the amount she is losing. Tell her bluntly that she can no longer afford to live in the condo.

ALL of us are waiting for the shoes to drop. That's what I call it. We know it is coming and it is terrifying to think about. I try with all my might, and in calm times, to stay in the moment. We can't predict what will happen and when and the uncertainty is one of the worst things for me.
That said, what we THINK is coming might not. Right? We might stroke out instead. Or something. We just can't predict. And that is so tough.

How about letting go of trying to change her behavior? You will be basically waiting her out until she has a serious accident or illness that lands her in the hospital. You can also make sure that she is moved out of your house. If she returns, she will have new rules in place, and a contract so you can kick her out which you will use as leverage to get her evaluated.

I'd also premptively report her to the police in the area where the cabin is located, and Adult Protective Services and the DMV. Forewarned is forearmed.

Hubby and I are also waiting for a major crisis upon which FIL **will** be downsized to a one-bedroom at indy living (at best) or moved to the memory care building (at worst, hopefully) regardless of his protests.

"She & she alone runs her life..............but be available when she needs help." The 'be available when she needs help' is the part of the sentence that renders the first part senseless. As long as you're there to pick up the pieces for all of her fails, she'll continue to think she's independent and 100% in charge of her own life. Maybe if you stop being there for her 24/7 she'll understand that at this stage of her life, it's a COMPROMISE. It's not all 'take', mother, there is some 'give' involved as well. The next time she's in need of something, what is she planning to give YOU in return?

This is how we managed to get my dad to use a cane; by compromising with him. We refused to 'do' for him until he 'did' for us. You want to go out for dinner, dad? Sure. But first, we're taking you to the store to get you a cane.

Tit for tat.

Just a thought.

Hang tight

Heck yeh! Atleast you can stay calm, although eating away at you. She sounds as stubborn as my dad who lives in a fantasy world that I have to get him down to ground zero reality, which is stressing me out to Max, especially because I'm his only caregiver, and he expects, because I'm paid through state ( 13$ hour,I can't live on)he can be a pig , also a terrible person on alcohol, & the most racist (makes Archie Bunker look like a saint) person I've ever known. His doctor even warned him of " old man behaving badly" just doesn't fly.
My dad is belligerent to alot of people and then forgets how they were their for him . He lives in a studio apt . Next to main st.i'm there'4 days a week. He cruises in his mobility scooter, only the 5th one he's owned in 3 yrs. because I'm now a mechanic too.
We argue and I'm at wits end. I hear it only gets worse. He's not ready for home, & I know he'd die if put there. But alcohol is the 1# reason he won't go and get therapy to atleast be able to walk 2 steps without fear of falling. So, this answer probably could be put in all caterigories of forum.
Calgon take me away!

So stuck . .between a rock and hard place. My husband and my mom.

I'm 58. My husband is 74. Hes a fall risk now, along with a few other health issues and chronic back pain. The last 3 nights he has fallen. He falls down at least once a day now. Usually later in the day - early evening. He refuses to use the walker. Yet, if he did, when he needed to , it would be easier and safer for both of us.

My mom , 89, a fall risk, and other health issues, and just like your mom. Same mom. She's across state lines. Not much I can do for her from a distance. And since last year, I'm afraid to come anywhere near her. So all I can do is tell the doctors, case managers and whoever . . .I don't think she should drive. I don't think she should live alone. Help me Help her. I don't seem to get anywhere. She's showtiming everyone. She passes the 'test' they give her . .yet they all agree something in her brain is mis-firing. Her rational thinking is twisted.

I feel like I'm getting older faster because of my LO's My grey hair is coming in fast now. I've losing myself. I'm no longer me. I am becoming more depressed everyday. I find a way to rally here and there - but I really am beginning to feel stuck just like you, and worse, I see my life going downhill fast.

Your wording “,,, and I am left to pick up the pieces” really struck a nerve with me, as - a life time ago I said nearly those exact works to my mother.

The big difference in our situations is that when I uttered those words it was at the beginning of my joy ride through caregivers hell.

It was the eve before my mother was planning on doing something incredibly stupid. Selfish and stupid. And - I knew what she was planning to do was going to negatively impact my father as well. In a very big way.

So, there I was on the phone with her - trying to get her to see reason and not proceed with her plan. She got angry. I got angry. And, each word that came out of her mouth got more selfish and self centered with each passing second.

I said “ So as usual, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do - no matter how badly it effects everyone else?” Mom snapped “That’s right” to which I said “and I’m gonna be the one left to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces”.

“You’re not going to have to do anything” she yelled and slammed down the phone. Well, guess what? Two days later and for the next six years I was picking up the pieces. It was a frickin’ nightmare that I’m still trying to recover from... three years after my mother passed and my role as Chief Piece Picker-upper ended.

I feel for you. I really do.

Exhausted, I’m sorry we (and others) are in the same boat.

Mom’s bad decisions to NOT take meds resulted in a trip to ER in Nov. She was diagnosed with mild neuro cognitive disorder in hospital, told not to drive until passing an eval & test. Because of other family situations, Husb and I knew to take Mom’s keys away before coming home. She’s called us names and threatened to call police because they are HER keys and HER car. In PA, docs are mandated reporters, so if there’s cognitive or other physical decline, they are mandated to report to PennDOT, her license was to be suspended (getting notification from state) and then she could take eval. Unfortunately, psych/neuro and attending physician in hospital didn’t speak to her about MCD. I’m trying to tell her this is the way it has happened and have shown her the psych report with diagnosis, but Mom doesn’t believe me.

Really hoped this event moved things forward with her accepting what is happening to her, but now our relationship is even FURTHER apart than before. I’m the only child. She hasn’t called in two weeks. I’ve left messages on her voice mail.

Thankful for her neighbor who confirmed she saw Mom the other day.