It's an unsettling way to live.
My mom is not considered incompetent event though she does have dementia, diagnosed last Spring.
She has made it crystal clear that she and she alone runs her life. (But be available when she needs help)
I could list 20 things but last eve during dinner twice I wanted to scream. First a nurse from her primary care doctor called to see how she was doing. Her PC doctor has tried to be more pro-active with my mom and her issues and enrolled her in a program that basically follows and monitors health issues. This is a very good thing. Well my mom could not have been more rude to the nurse. My mom stepped into the other room and got even meaner and told her to "NEVER call AGAIN". Then came out and proudly told me and my husband how she took care of that! No more calls to bother her! I wanted to vomit.
Then later she starts talking about her cottage and going there this Spring. I've already mentioned here that I don't feel she is safe to be there alone. Then my mom tells us she is going to keep the cottage and keep going so she can keep driving. (PA licenses need renewed every two years).
Again I could feel myself getting so angry, she should not be driving now! My husband briefly said something about there being problems with her having declared PA as her official residency (to get the license) and taxes and my mom just looked at him and said "I don't care".
I did not confront her, because it only gets worse. My mom can become enraged.
I'm always wondering how much bad behavior I will have to watch before she implodes and I am left to pick up the pieces.
Anyone else feel stuck like this?
I don't know your crises... but changing what you do can change the bigger picture.
--Find out if she has long term care insurance. Are payments current? Call them, pretend to be mom, and ask them to contact "my daughter" (you) if she misses a payment or cancels the policy. Then give your contact info. SUPER IMPORTANT! DON'T LET HER CANCEL THE LTC INSURANCE! Most companies allow the policy to be reinstated after cancellation, if it's done within a couple months. But you have to know it was cancelled in order to ask them to reinstate.
--Create online log-ins to all of her banks, household bills, car payment, credit card.
--Create online log-ins for doctor portals--allows easier communication with doctors.
--Look for all her health coverage info. Look in her house first. If necessary, call their customer service lines, pretend to be mom, and ask for print booklet mailed to mom's house.
--But DO NOT do anything with her Social Security, OPM, Veterans, Medicare, or other federal benefits. Federal agencies don't even automatically allow POA agent to control federal benefits--they have their own applications for becoming a payee.
--Check the home insurance. Has mom recently reduced her insurance because she thought the bill was too high.
--Research local rehabs, decide on one or two. When she ends up in hospital emergency room, you'll be ready.
You get the idea. Do this by any means necessary. Have a friend or relative take her out for ice cream while you stay at the house. Take pix of paperwork with your phone while she's asleep. Do what you have to do. Don't ask, don't tell.
Every single aspect of her entire life is going to fall into your lap in an emergency, and you must be prepared. It could happen next year or tomorrow. Could be a sprained ankle or a devastating stroke. Could turn out she's been doctor shopping for years and taking multiple prescriptions of addictive, mind-damaging medications from multiple practitioners. Could be she slips on a throw rug, hits her head on furniture on the way down, and lies unconscious on the floor for days before anyone finds her--this happened to my mom.
She doesn't have LTC insurance, unfortunately. She is also protective of her financial info. Not in a "bad" way it's just that she has always handled that stuff herself, even when my dad was alive my mom did all the financial stuff. With her fighting this slide into dependency with everything in her she is not ready to give that up at all.
I realize I'm going to need to talk to her about giving me this info, because I don't even know where to look. I doubt she'll cooperate. She'll say "I'll know when I need to give you that info". "I'll know" is her new favorite phrase.
Your last paragraph filled me with dread. I'm NOT prepared. I still have a lot of work to do. I appreciate your post though so thank you. I need to know what I have to do.
Along with "I'll manage" & My Mum's fav "it'll be ok" classic *diamond stage dementia* statement imo.
Quoted (shortened) from Teepa Snow: Diamonds are “clear and sharp”. Cutting & rigid. More posessive. Good cover skills. Like to feel competent & in control.
Let her know you are on her side & she can choose to accept your help (or not). Unfortunately she may have a few bad decisions ahead...
A work colleague's Mother kept driving against medical opinion. Many small dints started appearing on the car. Then a larger accident. The son helped get the car repaired, insurance etc. But the next accident he left the car damaged & I think even drained the petrol while she was in hospital. The skills to arrange repair etc were gone & so without his help the car stayed broken. Of course he coped many angry calls but kept repeating if she wanted it fixed, she could arrange it herself.
I hope you are not in for similar.