How many of us are stuck waiting for a major crisis?
It's an unsettling way to live.
My mom is not considered incompetent event though she does have dementia, diagnosed last Spring.
She has made it crystal clear that she and she alone runs her life. (But be available when she needs help)
I could list 20 things but last eve during dinner twice I wanted to scream. First a nurse from her primary care doctor called to see how she was doing. Her PC doctor has tried to be more pro-active with my mom and her issues and enrolled her in a program that basically follows and monitors health issues. This is a very good thing. Well my mom could not have been more rude to the nurse. My mom stepped into the other room and got even meaner and told her to "NEVER call AGAIN". Then came out and proudly told me and my husband how she took care of that! No more calls to bother her! I wanted to vomit.
Then later she starts talking about her cottage and going there this Spring. I've already mentioned here that I don't feel she is safe to be there alone. Then my mom tells us she is going to keep the cottage and keep going so she can keep driving. (PA licenses need renewed every two years).
Again I could feel myself getting so angry, she should not be driving now! My husband briefly said something about there being problems with her having declared PA as her official residency (to get the license) and taxes and my mom just looked at him and said "I don't care".
I did not confront her, because it only gets worse. My mom can become enraged.
I'm always wondering how much bad behavior I will have to watch before she implodes and I am left to pick up the pieces.
Anyone else feel stuck like this?
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I feel your pain.
If you feel your Mom’s driving skills aren’t up to par, notify your DMV & see what they say.
Also her doctor told us, that because she has been diagnosed with mixed dementia and has been told not to drive, if she ignores and drives, and is involved in an accident even if it not her fault, that she can be held liable.
Im in Texas, and you can file a report unsafe driver anonymously
It is inevitable that hubs will mess up, and soon.
All the symptoms are there, and it makes me nervous.
How bad will it be next time?
And then, there are the big crises...earthquakes, fire, flood.
No places left to run!
Your mom takes the cake. I’m afraid she and I would go round and round and I’ve no doubt she would win.
I know she lives next door in a home you helped her purchase. Can you move? Only just sort of kidding.
You have done everything you could to stop her driving.
The woman who called is a nurse to a woman who has dementia. She, the nurse, can now document how out of control your mom was with her.
I think I would follow up with her to make sure she does document your mom’s behavior. Perhaps this will help build the case should you need to file for guardianship at some point. It also helps the doctor see what you are dealing with. No doubt she would have showtimed if in front of the doctor.
If you can emotionally remove yourself from your mom’s drama, become analytical and observant, a degree removed, it might help you. I know that’s a tall order. When she starts up, record her or get out your notebook and write down, time, date, what happened, it might help you distance yourself and watch for patterns to emerge. Since it was at dinner, it might have been sundowners. She will get worse as the disease progresses. So you might not get the major crisis but rather the more average progressive decline. I’m sorry.
I do plan to call her PC. I worked as a nurse for over 20 years so I know how important documentation is, and I also know squeaky wheels get the grease. (No experience at all with dementia patients though) My mom's PC is competent, but it wasn't until I had a long talk with him last Nov that her issues went on his radar and he began to address them with her. I think he sees through the showtiming now, and her showtiming isn't that good anymore anyway. But yes, I want to make sure all these things are being documented. Thank goodness she took the neuro-psych eval last Spring, because she would never agree to it now!
I don't think my mom gets sundowners. Is that common with Alz? My mom's dementia is mostly vascular but the doctor who did the evaluation did also add in mixed etiology.
Yeah I don't know what to expect, I just know it won't be anything good. Obviously I'd rather there not be a major crisis, but I'm constantly on edge because of her uncooperative and risky behavior.
Thanks for the advice and I am trying to be less emotional about it. Your suggestion about keeping track of things in writing to more objectively watch for patterns is a good one.
Sorry Exhausted you have to go thru with this. Even in the early stages there is no reasoning with a person suffering from a Dementia. What u say goes thru one ear and out the other.
If he's in pain, I sympathize. Give him some Tylenol. I have been documenting, pictures and audio.
I need to somehow get my father evaluated so the doctor can recommend AL.
Mom’s bad decisions to NOT take meds resulted in a trip to ER in Nov. She was diagnosed with mild neuro cognitive disorder in hospital, told not to drive until passing an eval & test. Because of other family situations, Husb and I knew to take Mom’s keys away before coming home. She’s called us names and threatened to call police because they are HER keys and HER car. In PA, docs are mandated reporters, so if there’s cognitive or other physical decline, they are mandated to report to PennDOT, her license was to be suspended (getting notification from state) and then she could take eval. Unfortunately, psych/neuro and attending physician in hospital didn’t speak to her about MCD. I’m trying to tell her this is the way it has happened and have shown her the psych report with diagnosis, but Mom doesn’t believe me.
Really hoped this event moved things forward with her accepting what is happening to her, but now our relationship is even FURTHER apart than before. I’m the only child. She hasn’t called in two weeks. I’ve left messages on her voice mail.
Thankful for her neighbor who confirmed she saw Mom the other day.
And for meds, I keep a poster board sign in front of his bed. He just had brain surgery to remove benign tumour that was smothering his pituitary gland. So now it's important for hormone pills to be taken to reproduce lost hormones, and he still forgets. other day I had to cancel, the follow up appointment, too overwhelmed because he's drama everyday❗
The big difference in our situations is that when I uttered those words it was at the beginning of my joy ride through caregivers hell.
It was the eve before my mother was planning on doing something incredibly stupid. Selfish and stupid. And - I knew what she was planning to do was going to negatively impact my father as well. In a very big way.
So, there I was on the phone with her - trying to get her to see reason and not proceed with her plan. She got angry. I got angry. And, each word that came out of her mouth got more selfish and self centered with each passing second.
I said “ So as usual, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do - no matter how badly it effects everyone else?” Mom snapped “That’s right” to which I said “and I’m gonna be the one left to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces”.
“You’re not going to have to do anything” she yelled and slammed down the phone. Well, guess what? Two days later and for the next six years I was picking up the pieces. It was a frickin’ nightmare that I’m still trying to recover from... three years after my mother passed and my role as Chief Piece Picker-upper ended.
I feel for you. I really do.
I'm glad it's over for you now. Six years is a long time to clean up someone's mess :(
I'm 58. My husband is 74. Hes a fall risk now, along with a few other health issues and chronic back pain. The last 3 nights he has fallen. He falls down at least once a day now. Usually later in the day - early evening. He refuses to use the walker. Yet, if he did, when he needed to , it would be easier and safer for both of us.
My mom , 89, a fall risk, and other health issues, and just like your mom. Same mom. She's across state lines. Not much I can do for her from a distance. And since last year, I'm afraid to come anywhere near her. So all I can do is tell the doctors, case managers and whoever . . .I don't think she should drive. I don't think she should live alone. Help me Help her. I don't seem to get anywhere. She's showtiming everyone. She passes the 'test' they give her . .yet they all agree something in her brain is mis-firing. Her rational thinking is twisted.
I feel like I'm getting older faster because of my LO's My grey hair is coming in fast now. I've losing myself. I'm no longer me. I am becoming more depressed everyday. I find a way to rally here and there - but I really am beginning to feel stuck just like you, and worse, I see my life going downhill fast.
I really like your comment " brain is misfiring now" . My dad no matter how slow and nice I am , cannot grasp logic. Now he's got earwax buildup & been to doctors twice to no final result, causing hearing loss and me yelling! Instead I just don't talk anymore.
It must be hard directing from afar, but you can only do so much. Take some time for you! And if you can get rispite care through husband's medical, that might help. Myself , I think physical therapy in home or at clinic up the street would benefit dads mobility, & not be another tragic 2 day stay on his floor because he couldn't help himself.
Good luck
My dad is belligerent to alot of people and then forgets how they were their for him . He lives in a studio apt . Next to main st.i'm there'4 days a week. He cruises in his mobility scooter, only the 5th one he's owned in 3 yrs. because I'm now a mechanic too.
We argue and I'm at wits end. I hear it only gets worse. He's not ready for home, & I know he'd die if put there. But alcohol is the 1# reason he won't go and get therapy to atleast be able to walk 2 steps without fear of falling. So, this answer probably could be put in all caterigories of forum.
Calgon take me away!
Just kidding, but have to admit sometimes I've wondered how some of our parents on this forum would get along if we had some big social for them? Okay, now all the narcissists, this is your gathering room over here, semi-normal over here, and completely out of it over here. Lol.
My mom's not ready for a care home yet either (she will need to be forced in) but let me tell you when the time comes, I won't think twice.
This is how we managed to get my dad to use a cane; by compromising with him. We refused to 'do' for him until he 'did' for us. You want to go out for dinner, dad? Sure. But first, we're taking you to the store to get you a cane.
Tit for tat.
Just a thought.
Hang tight
I'd also premptively report her to the police in the area where the cabin is located, and Adult Protective Services and the DMV. Forewarned is forearmed.
I have implemented some "rules" or rather boundaries. It's a daily challenge to enforce them. And on the driving... when she got the PA license I called everyone. The PA DMV, the FL DMV, then the PA police and FL police. The FL cop was very nice and I told him everything. He told me and I quote "Your mom beat the system". I was SHOCKED.
My mom is a real piece of work, let me tell you.
That said, what we THINK is coming might not. Right? We might stroke out instead. Or something. We just can't predict. And that is so tough.
Has someone shown her how much cold hard cash she is going to lose by declaring herself a PA resident ?
I'd show her the amount she is losing. Tell her bluntly that she can no longer afford to live in the condo.
I contacted several Elder Law attorneys two years ago but realized I couldn't pursue guardianship directly due to its expense (and thought mom would contest it in court) and the petition would boldly state my name (i.e., son vs mom). I'm my mothers primary caregiver. Adult Protective Services (APS) got involved. Worked with 5 APS social workers for 18+ months during crisis-after-crisis (hospitals, police, community reported multiple concerns). County Attorneys office petitioned the court. Swift process and appointed an Elder Law attorney as guardian who, with my assistance, placed my mom in assisted living (48 hours ago).
ExhaustedPiper,
Sounds like my experience is much different than yours, but the commonality is that I knew a major crisis would occur. Without my sharing a lot of details and not wanting to take the attention from your post, I've been living on the edge trying to protect my mom from herself and being vulnerable living on her own. I thought the major crisis would be that my mom would have a major accident (i.e., fall down the stairs) before I could get her the care she needed but resisted. Mom has advanced dementia and several untreated chronic conditions. But mom would often say to me: "I'm not stupid, dumb, or incompetent." That was her defense. Mom isn't dumb or stupid ... she is an intelligent woman; however, after a thorough APS investigation and court ruling, she was at-risk living on her own, vulnerable, and was deemed incompetent by the judge/court.
I care about my mom's health, safety and welfare and I'm thankful I received help, beyond what I could do myself, to ensure she received the assistance she needed (whether or not she realized or admitted she needed).
Day 1 in assisted living my mom said: "I'm having so much fun ... this is the best day of my life!" I hope she continues to feel this way. The journey continues and I wish you and others in your situation the best!
Have you notified the doc's office, in writing, return receipt requested, that your mother is still driving after the doc informed her that she needed a driving evaluation?
If I were in your situation and "mom" asked for help, I would tell her that I can no longer assist her in evading her diagnosis and the law.
If she became unruly, I would call 911 and have her transported to an ER for evaluation of her mental state.
That’s a great sentence. Taking a hard stance, using “tough love” is often necessary in dealing with elderly parents.
Set your boundaries. Make a plan of action. Your suffering is optional! best wishes.
The best course of action: expect to live in this limbo for a long time. Because you will.
You will eventually have to get her into care, as Gemma has described below. Getting your mom there won't be easy but lots of us can tell our stories when you get that far.
My mom is in care but I am trying to keep my 86-y.o. husband with dementia and all sorts of health problems at home. The limbo status never goes away. I do't want to bore you but it can even get harder. My husband has toothaches and swelling but doesn't want to go to the dentist. etc, etc,
I just wake up each morning, focus on what needs to be done that day, and do it. Stay in the day. Eventually the day will come when there are no options: they have to go into care or the ER or something. We will handle that when the day comes.
Your situation is tricky though because while your mom is driving and (I assume) managing her own money) she can be a danger to others and others can be a danger to her. Already "others' were beginning to prey on my mom. We caught it in time. She took the side of the garage out twice. So, this is all really risky and you need to keep an eye on things. More limbo. Just accept it up front.
Good luck and keep in touch!
I'm sorry to hear about your husband, caring for a spouse is different and I think your day to day approach is a good one. I hope you can get him to a dentist soon for pain control. I wonder if cold things like popsicles would help? Or freezing a teething ring. Good luck there. I hope you can keep him at home for a long time and that you have good moments. He is lucky to have you.
my Mom was reluctant at first, she thought she could do everything herself, though she was already failing to manage the most basic life tasks.
i was finally able to convince her that a POA was a good thing, just in case anything ever did happen to her and she wasn’t able to speak for herself or to write a check.
and a long road from there, but at least I had legal rights to assist her and begin to persuade her to go to Dr Appts.. even though she fights me on it!
to check our Teepa Snow utube videos on dementia, Alzheimer’s. They are so informative !! Helped me understand their thinking. And behaviors...
Upstream, I know your life got hijacked in a big way, and for a long time. Please tell me your mom is still in assisted living?
I do understand that she is aware that things are not the same. It's actually heartbreaking to me given how fiercely independent she always lived. But that awareness is also driving her defensive and reckless behavior. I'm hoping in time she surrenders for lack of a better word. If only she could drop the BS and trust me things could be so much better.
BTW I do make time for DH. We have a tradition of going to our favorite Irish Pub on Wednesdays for lunch and a craft beer they brew right there. The food is fantastic and we are friends with the staff. It's my favorite day of the week. From day one I made sure my mom knows Wednesdays are off limits except for an emergency.