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Perhaps I have a nasty suspicious mind, but are you quite sure that your husband is actually with FIL all this time? There certainly are more interesting things to do, with a good excuse, than sitting with a very old man.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
gemswinner12 Jan 4, 2020
I think you may be on to something here. Perhaps this overly attentive son may have an interest in one of Dad’s caregivers? Why does he need to be over there so often if he’s got help 24/7 ? There must be something pretty interesting going on over there; it’s got to be something more exciting than watching TV with pops, IMO.
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I hear you. You’re hurt and for good reason. He isn’t being fair with you. He is stressed out too. You’re paying a price for it.

Try therapy without him. He will most likely be asked to join in at some point by the therapist. Then it’s up to him to decide if he will. I hope that he does.

I have found speaking to an objective individual such as a therapist does help. You won’t know unless you give it a go.

Marriages absolutely take a hit with caregiving. It’s stressful.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

It is time for marriage counseling. A neutral party with experience and wisdom will help you two work out what the problems and solutions are. It's probably not just about the caregiving issues. If he refuses to go to counseling, no matter what the reason, then I think it is time to demonstrate what single life for him will look like with a trial separation. I don't say this lightly. But if he's not willing to make an important investment into his marriage to rescue it, it's probably over. You can offer to defer to his choice of counselor (so that he can't complain about this at any point) but do put a time deadline on him finding one (in a non-contentious way). If he complains about the price, dig through your files and find out how much you as a couple have spent fixing your car, appliances, plumbing, etc. Your relationship is far more precious than any of those things. I wish you peace and hope as you journey down this path!
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Reply to Geaton777

Lizbeth, separate out the eldercare from the other marriage issues.

It sounds as though your husband is irritable and unhappy.

How are you feeling about your marriage, overall?

If you are unhappy, seek therapy. For yourself. Don't make it about the eldercare issue. Make it about the marriage overall. Figure out what YOU need and what you want to do.

You may need to detach a bit while your husband works this through on his own.

The only actions you can control are your own.
Helpful Answer (23)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

I agree with DollyMe...........spouse & children should come first in a marriage. That is often not the case, however, and so, marriages suffer.

What makes DH want to spend hours at his dad's house? For me, spending an hour at my mother's place in Memory Care is about all I can handle, truthfully. It just strikes me odd that he'd be SO interested in spending THAT much time with a demented elder. I work in a Memory Care community as a front desk receptionist; the average time a family member spends with a parent is about 1/2 an hour, sometimes less. Rarely more, but sometimes they are taken out for lunch. We do have a couple of gentlemen who come to visit their wives daily; one man comes TWICE a day, but that's his wife. Spending time with a dementia sufferer is stressful; there is very little to talk about and lots they'd like to argue about, etc.

Secondly, your parents are going to require attention soon, as you stated in your post. Then what? NOW is the time to start planning YOUR future and how you intend to live YOUR senior years. With or without your husband, who wants no part in strengthening your marriage through counseling. And what to do/how to handle your folks when their care crises crop up, which they will. Do they have the funds for Assisted Living?

In any event, I wish you the best of luck taking care of YOU.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to lealonnie1
gemswinner12 Jan 6, 2020
She might consider moving her parents in to establish their residency in her house,
Alternatively, just divorce him. Counseling at this point would be a waste of time, energy, and money.
Well, I have strong feelings about this, me, I believe that a spouse and minor children should come first.

I feel that he is taking advantage of you and has misplaced priorities, and I agree he will not change.

I cannot tell you what to do, however, if you are miserable it may be time to make a change, you can always move out and not divorce, or just divorce and go about the business of recovering your life...for you.

Sending support your way!
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to anonymous912123

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