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A year ago I was running over to my mothers house constantly and taking her out to dinner. My husband was supportive up to a point. We were both working full time and I would run to my mothers. Not anymore. I found this site. My mother is competent and can do things for herself. My husband retired this past November so now we see each other all the time and I have backed off seeing my mother. No, my mother does not come first. My husband does. I married my husband not my mother!! I work the overnight shift and have 4 more years till retirement. My husband is happy. Happy that he is retired and happy that I am seeing my mother less. Now I am working on my own happiness. Nobody can make us happy Except Ourselves!
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I was married 40 years and helping to take care of my mother who had Alz. the night she died I went home and told my husband.....he kicked me out of the house and started divorce proceedings. I think it happens to many people. I think I'm better off without him.
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disgustedtoo Jan 2020
What a piece of work... yes, you are better off without him. Sad that you spent 40 years together only to find out what a jerk he is/was.
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I'm in a somewhat similar circumstance. My DH has been retired for years from a disability. When I retired the first time (after 35 years), I would go see his 92-yr mother when she called us for a medical issue. Eventually he had to take more action as I returned to working full time 5 years later (needing health insurance). His mom is in a memory care facility now after breaking a hip. The emotional stress is taking a toll on both of us. Neither of us has voiced the D word, but I'm sure it has crossed both are mines. His mom's not going to live forever, this rough patch will pass.
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Lizbeth, I noticed that you are taking BluebirdKY’s advice. It is wonderful advice and I admire her greatly and you too for taking the high road and having the patience and temperament to do so. It really is the smart thing to do and her methods are step by step. This will end soon because we all know about age and dementia. My hat’s off to you. Good luck.
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LizBeth213 Mar 2020
elaineSC, things are much better. Yes I took BlubirdKYs advice. We seem to be in a better place in our relationship. We are actually going out of town for a mini-vacation. Life is good.
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No LizBeth you are not being selfish at all, your feelings are very normal and understandable, but notice how attentive your Husband is to His Father and the love and Care of His Mother until death then when old age creeps up on your Husband & You this is the way your Husband will Care for you. Love and support your Husband for the fine Caring Gentleman that He is. A Man like that is as rare as hens teeth. You & Husband will have years of happy times together but right now it is so important to take Care of your Parents.
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Sorry to say that I think this husband has to a great degree already left the marriage. I would talk to an attorney to see how to protect yourself financially to the highest degree you can. Maybe, as others have suggested, you need to make a surprise visit to FIL's home when you husband is supposed to be there, and check out those caregivers. Even if the issue is not another woman (either a caregiver or a woman at another location), your husband for some reason is not there for you. Even if you can't find out why, you need to make sure you are protected in case he decides he wants a divorce. Do not leave your marital home. Sorry to be so pessimistic.
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disgustedtoo Mar 2020
In case you missed it:

LizBeth213
Mar 2, 2020
elaineSC, things are much better. Yes I took BlubirdKYs advice. We seem to be in a better place in our relationship. We are actually going out of town for a mini-vacation. Life is good.
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