How can I make my mom go into skilled care?

Try to understand what 'a home' was to your mom when she was growing up - it was where unloved people were warehoused to die - gov't regulations prevent that type of treatment but many of our parents generation still see it that way

When my mom was first driven to the nursing home she was to live in she raised a fuss - within 15 minutes she was saying how nice it was - she still asks to move to 'her own place' - she denies needing help ... legally low vision/blind, diabetic, in wheelchair [acquired brain injury], incontinent etc ... but she thinks she doesn't need help ...dahhhh

When she was there for a few months, she said she loved having 'things to do' & was never bored - now she can't remember when she goes to activities - they keep track of what she participates in & I find she is at more than 1 activity a day - like bingo [number & spacial recognition], music, cookie baking etc

When your mom needs the help, she will not say 'I want to go to a nursing home' as her cognificate abilities will be gone - mom will soon be 91 - with all her problems, she swears she doesn't need help & can live on her own - if I allowed that I could be charged with elder abuse due to abandonment!

I have resolved not to feel guilty when mom asks for something she can't reasonably have - someone said that a person with dementia is a 3 years old that has much experience - I bring a treat to start our visit well - she now associates me with a positive experience rather than negative which is good

We [caretakers] have to stop being the 'child' but assume the parental role but in as gently way as possible - their experience will sometimes resurface but that is to be expected - try to be gentle as possible, but be kind while doing gentle nudging them where they must head to

Your mom might eventually need to go into a nursing home, so prepare yourself - if possible have her go for 'respite' while you are away a few times so that she gets used to situation - I heard of 1 [initially reluctant] person who at end of second time said 'must I go home .. it's so much more fun here'

Change is hard at their age, so reluctance is to be expected & money can be an issue depending where you live - however if you ever think you need to take a short nursing course to cope with the higher nursing skills she needs, then you have reached your limit of personal care & maybe professionally trained people are needed - don't buy into familial guilt that it's 'your duty' - I firmly believe mom has lived longer & better than if I was her only [untrained] caregiver ... think about it long & hard as all who are on this site have done for our loved ones - good luck but remember you are not alone there are hoards of us who have 'been in the trenches' too

Sorry. I was initially having trouble posting.

From my experience, I suggest she have some weekends or weeks at a facility while you take some time for yourself. My disabled husband enjoyed living with the NH schedule, the food, and the company. He even became a caregiver of handicapped companions there. It was a good experience all the way around!

drpoundsign: Okay.

Everything about long term care stinks! Don't let anyone fool you. When you have no choice, just hope your loved one doesn't have their mental faculties anymore, otherwise, you will go through hell if you care enough to go there several times a week, if not everyday. The care is substandard, the food is worse looking and tasting then prison food, and the "residents" are 98% dead. Don't let all the sweet talk deceive you from anyone who comments here. There is 98% suffering from a human perspective in long term care facilities. If everyone could go and hang out and watch for about 4 weeks and watch what goes on and how it smells and how you wonder why people in this state are allowed to live, you would not want a dog there. Believe me I'm living through it. Anyone who challenges this has a rich parent who is paying $10,000 a month for care. the regular bed in a dump cost $237 per day in our state, that's about $7100.00 per month average. Wake up people. If you really care about being a good son or daughter, spouse, family member, you sacrifice your life for this person. Oh and let me give you a straight up observation, pray your loved one has dementia, Alzheimer's if they have to go to long term care because most of those patients don't have a clue how bad it is, but I see it, so don't just see them once a week, cause what goes around, comes around.

Yes, it is much better when they can sit in front of the TV all day and evening in their pajamas while the life of the caregiving child ticks on by year after year. The life of the elder person matters, but so does the life of the caregiving child. It would be different if there was a team of family and friends helping, but it's not the way it is. Each situation is different. Because I stay with my mother doesn't mean I expect anyone else to be able to do the same. And I know there will come a time when I will no longer be enough. I won't feel any guilt if she has to go into long-term care.

I've sometimes considered that family caregivers could actually be doing a disservice to their parent. If a parent was in AL, then they would have incentive to get up and dressed. There would be people their own age about. They wouldn't be sitting in their pajamas in front of a TV all day long, waiting for God.

I do wish these places were more affordable. It is a question that I wish someone would ask the presidential candidates. They talk about war and healthcare, but no one asks about the problems of aging.

Amen tothat Jessie!

Amen is right! In 5-10 years the need for affordable, decent long term care options will have grown tremendously with the aging of the baby boomers. Right now I know very few people whose parents are in LTC facilities that I can meet with for support or help with navigating through the financial maze of affording the care. I predict there will be many families in crisis deciding who is going to bring a parent into their home and give up their job, life and income. I hope these families have more than one living child because the immense burden of being the only one is crushing. Our federal, state and local leaders need to begin work on this now before it blows up in everyone's faces.

Sadly, the country does not care about older people. They seem to be seen by government and business as an inconvenience. That kind of leaves it up to the family to make sure they are being cared for.

Ilovemom: "What difference does it make?" A lot! Because then the LO's family is left in a quandry!

I know, this whole thing stinks!!! I wish there was a support group in my community that I could join to discuss all of the things we go through. This is a much needed service. How do you start one, anyone know?

One of the nursing homes in my area has a monthly support group meeting. I went a couple of times and met a couple of nice people, but other than relating our own stories (sort of like what I imagine an AA meeting would be like) of caregiving, there weren't any real answers or solutions. And I was told there were more people who had joined earlier, but they found it difficult to get away and drive miles to a support group meeting.

RE: mylifematters: Wake up people. If you really care about being a good son or daughter, spouse, family member, you sacrifice your life for this person.

I respectfully disagree. I am just about at this point with my mom. The sole caregiver. No one else except paid helpers in her home. I know if/when I get to this point, I will have NO guilt about an outside placement. I believe God has a life plan for each of us. Personally, I don't believe that for me it is "to sacrifice my life" for my 90-year-old mom, for whom I already have sacrificed many years of my life - basically she wouldn't probably still be here if it wasn't for my sacrifice. As has been said many times, every situation is unique and the solution is rarely clearcut, black and white. I would never advocate sacrificing your life for another unless it is throwing yourself in front of a car to save the life of a child about to be run over or some such thing. Just my opinion.

I agree with your opinion, my comment about sacrificing was how bad it is to go through and experience a parent in long term care , especially when they have their intellectual faculties. I would love to only see her 3 days per week, but her constant calls and complaining and requesting things is overwhelming. I see the brain dead ones and they are not capable of asking for anything. I wish that was where my mother was, sad as that is. Her roommates son only comes once a week. She is brain dead. He is lucky.

Thanks, mylifematters. I know it's hard, but I do think you need to just grit your teeth, plug your ears, and do what is right for you. It sounds like you too have sacrificed much, but at some point you just have to put a stop to it and back off some for your own sanity. At least that's what I am finding out. Of course, easier said than done! But I'm not giving up! :)