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I was a caregiver first for my dad, who died in Jan.13,2011 due to Pulmonary Fibrosis. I then cared for my mom who had multiple co-morbidities associated with a 20 year history of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Medications basically destroyed her body. She got sick with Flu like symptoms and died a week later, in March 11, 2012. She died emotionally the day my dad died and did not want to live.
I am an RN, and quit my job in the Emergency Room to care for my parents. (We had 3 sons in college at the time.)This way they could be at home with each other. Hospice helped with dad, but I was the caregiver, and managed both their lives while still encouraging their independence, and preserving their pride. I had siblings but they focused more on their inheritance than the responsibility that I had. I was the only daughter and the youngest. My parents moved 250 miles and relocated in the town we lived in, 6 months after we moved from them. They wanted me to care for them.
My biggest regret is that on Dec.31, 2010, my 50th birthday, I chose not to go over to see my dad that evening because I knew it would be my last birthday with him in my life.It was just too hard for me.He was in a state of transition from this world to another but he had a goal to live until his 80th birthday..Jan.11,2013. The next day, the nurse who spent that night with my dad, said he sang Happy Birthday to me. I cried then and still cry now.I should have gone over there.
Now, I am still defending myself from my brothers who have made false accusations about my intentions. They are on their third lawyer and third executor.
I was Executor but they didn't believe anyone so I resigned the position. In a way, I regret that I agreed to take on the responsibility, but my parents asked me to and my dad had everything set up for me, including contact names and numbers for events that would occur. I even helped him plan his funeral. I never expected my siblings to behave in this way. There were no thank yous, just criticism.
So, I too live with regrets, but I know to focus on the positives and everything I did for my parents. I loved them very much and we got along wonderfully til the very end.

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WOW what an eye opener this conversation has been for me! I had to read your post several times and look at your photo very closely because what is happening to you is what happened to me but I just never confided that information! After I hired TWO attornies, and my four siblings found that they were going to have to shell out all of my attorneys fees they backed out of it because I had so much documentation that I kept over the eleven years that I cared for my Mom without an ounce of help from them. Not to mention that the Physician, nurses, PT, OT ST and aide were also willing to make statements that would have been admissable in a court of law. Even though they all ganged up on me, if I had to do it all over again knowing what would happen in the end I would have because I loved my Mom and she recieved a great deal of love and care while she lived with me. And do you know what she gave me in return? The best smiles, and the biggest heart felt hugs that anyone could ever dream of recieving and she did that nearly everyday that she was well. That's what I focus on and remember, how much I loved her and how much she loved me. Nothing else matters.
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Placemarker. I too am in CO an in a very similar position. Together we could write a book!
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Blannie: You got it exactly. They are bullies and have ganged up on me. I have a fourth brother who my mom and dad had before they were married, gave up for adoption, and is now a best friend to me. My other brothers never excepted him, but having him come back in to my parents lives was a blessing from God and brought therm overwhelming peace. It was about my parents, not the brothers. I will take your advise regarding the Equitable Remedies because I don't want to start over with a new lawyer. I've already paid out too much. I live in a town of 10,000 people so everyone knows everyone. I am respected in town and people know how my husband, sons, and myself cared for my parents. I think that's why my lawyer isn't too concerned. But, it wears on me, and I don't want it to affect my health. Just to let you know what kind of personalities these bullies have: one was almost a General, one is a Deputy at Jefferson County Jail, and the other one was a Football Coach/AD in Texas(he lost his job also during all this).
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From the internet (so take it with a grain of salt). But it's about when your brothers might have to pay your legal bills:

Equitable Remedies
Judges can use an equitable remedy to require the losing side to pay attorneys' fees if they believe it would be unfair not to do so. (In law, equity generally means "fairness," and an equitable remedy is a fair solution that a judge develops because doing otherwise would lead to unfairness.) This type of equitable remedy -- granting attorneys' fees to the winning side -- is often used when the losing side brought a lawsuit that was frivolous, in bad faith, or to oppress the defendant, and the defendant wins.
In addition, once in a while a judge will grant attorneys' fees in cases of extreme attorney misconduct, to warn the offending attorney.
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I doubt that her brothers will listen to anyone, if they've gone through three lawyers already. If their suits are groundless can't you get them to have to pay your lawyer's bill, instead of you having to foot it? A lot of frivolous lawsuits are dismissed and the lawyer's fees for the defendant have to be paid by the plaintiffs.

You have to stop feeling guilty about not visiting your dad's on your birthday. You did the best you could. You have to look at all that you did and not the one time you didn't do what you thought you should do. Give yourself a break! You were obviously there for your mom and dad and they knew it, which is why they wanted to move near you. Your brothers sound like bullies who have ganged up on their sister because they didn't get what they wanted from their parents' estate. I'm sorry you have to go through this!
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Yeah, guilt, and a heaping helping of it, plus a side order of denial, wishful thinking, and dash of paranoia. They didn't want to believe mom was that sick and needed the nursing home so they want to fix blame for the death.

Maybe you need a second legal opinion or maybe a public prosecutor would help you. Maybe, maybe - there is a medical person who would go over the records with them and be able to explain that everything that should have been done was done. I was once able to do that for a sister of a patient who died with Leigh syndrome, who apparently honestly thought something must have been neglected. Hopefully you are not on the hook for the taxes, and if you are not, paying them anyways might or might not even stop this vindictiveness aimed at you! So sorry that ongoing strife has to compound your grief, and you are in my prayers.
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And, as far as countersuit for harassment, I have brought that up. My lawyer isn't real interested because there is no longer an estate. Everything was split 4 ways.(not a large estate either) The only thing not done was taxes, and there was a legal document for them to pay it, but they didn't. So, I have done everything I was suppose to and I'm just suppose to "roll with it" . I'm tired of rolling and paying out to defend myself. Maybe that is the siblings goal.
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vstefans...one brother who was head of Homeland Security in Colorado, lost his job after being in the military for 30 plus years, because he illegally accessed my personal information and my parents information via government computers. Why he did that, I have no idea. Not really worth losing a career over.
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vstefans...I think you got it right with the statement on guilt. We never had a disagreement until the day of my mom's funeral, and I noticed the three of them acting "strangely". Then I was told one of them made the statement that I killed my mom because I had her go to a NH for Skilled Care. They insisted on meeting with my parent's lawyer(my lawyer as well) the morning before the funeral. That shows their grief? Then they left me with the $500 bill for their meeting. I paid it not knowing this would go on and on.
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I don't know anything else you can do besides trust your own good lawyer...but if it is so totally unfounded to be in bad faith, could a countersuit for harassment or something like that be an option? You'd think a suit could be dismissed "with prejudice" so it can;t be refiled under these circumstances.

Do you think they are holding it against you that you did not go over that last night, or let them know, or some other thing they only found out after the fact? Could someone else who had something against you have successfully stirred up something between you, tellign them "I hate to tell you this but your sister...." ? Or, maybe THEY are just covering up the regrets and guilt they have that ught to be much, much deeper than yours!!
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I try to not get discouraged because I know I am not guilty of their accusations of stealing money, and they have been told that by 3 lawyers already. They continue to try and sue me even though there is documentation available. They don't like how my parents left things and they are angry. They wouldn't help pay for anything associated with post death yet expected me to continue to do it all and send them money when it was done, which I did. They wouldn't even pay taxes which are now post due. They stiffed the lawyers and didn't pay them but the lawyers don't want anything to do with them and the money is not enough to go down the path with any of them again. A few weeks ago, my lawyer told me that they are still trying to sue me and that I should have $5000-$6000 on hand to defend myself. Not to mention, taxes will need to be paid. I'm just a little stressed right now. Looking for some support and wise words.
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