I will be issuing a threat to my siblings about contacting APS if they do not act - how long should I wait before I have to do it?

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My mom is midway+ through vascular dementia. Same symptoms as Alzheimers, just a different timeline.

Mom lives by herself and she should not be. I was going for several hours 5 days - every week, but my son developed some serious health issues - my focus must be for him. I now go 2 days a week and we have outside help 3 days for 4 hours a day. Brother pops in the evening and sister for a minute on the weekend. Mom does not eat unless I make her and someone sits with her. I am the only one who sits with her. She won't drink unless she is made to.

We have had 2 family conferences with Mom's doctor about the need for placement in a home or having substantially more outside help, but my POA brother will not do it. My sister didn't come to either meeting.

He told me he has seen all of the incidences I have told him about. It makes no difference. He says she is fine for now. NO SHE IS NOT! I have worked for a year to get more help and/ or placement. On mother's day of this year, my brother finally agreed to start the process - however, he was leaving it to me. I told him I cannot start the process - he is POA - he has to do it. Immediately it was a big fat no way. He doesn't want to be the bad guy - but he was willing to let me. Okay. It needs to be done. Her doctor was ready to write the order before the first conference, but couldn't since I am not POA.

The only thing I can do is step back completely and let them take care of everything. I will call Adult Protective Services if they do not act. I will still visit with Mom and check on her, but I will not wait to get into legal trouble because of elder neglect. And that's what will happen if anything happens and Mom ends up in the hospital with injury from a fall, or whatever. It is a matter of time before another fall happens. I don't know if this about preserving what little money she has, or the emotional aspect, or just plain stubbornness. Mom's situation is not good and I am afraid for her safety. Her wellbeing must come before what she or we want.

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I would not bother with a threat. I would just call APS and tell them that your mother lives alone and is no longer safe to do so. And that you don't have POA and thus have no say in the matter. That's all.
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My blood pressure goes up every time I read about helpless elderly being neglected like this. Like Babalou said, just do it.

Your sibs will be mad at you for a while, but they'll get over it. Or not. If they are like camels, the grudge will last forever. But at least you'll have the peace of mind of knowing you did the right thing.
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Something else, if brother has POA, he really only has the ability to sign checks, not to determine where mom lives. Anyone can "start the process" if by that you mean research the best facilities available that your mom can afford and that will accept folks with her level of infirmity. The soctor is the "bad guy"; he's the one saying that she can no longer live alone. Someone has to get mom to agree to this, unless one of you gets guardianship.
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Has anybody talked to mom about what she wants?

You can challenge his POA in court, but it's going to cost.

Sometimes we actually do have to let Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall to be able to make changes. A lot of adult children simply can't handle the idea that mom/dad is old enough to need more help, or isn't safe at home. Decision making is clouded by what they want to be true versus reality.

There is nothing you can do to change your brother's perception of this & the world. He will have to experience the "load of bricks" the universe will drop on his head.
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On this board we hear "I don't want to be the bad guy" as an excuse for anything & everything. That one really aggravates me because it's cowardly.

Well darling brother, you already are the bad guy by being so weak, ignorant, selfish, and uncooperative over this.

The GOOD PEOPLE step up, take responsibility, do the work, make the plans, and execute. They get off their rear end, educate themselves on the disease and options, and get it done instead of hiding from it like a scared little child. Be an adult already.
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I would call APS (and remember, it might not trigger anything more than a brief visit, a decision of "she's fine" and nothing more happens), JUST to assure yourself that you've done, and are doing the right thing. And covering yourself in case someone says "why didn't her daughter..."

And just as a bit of sympathy for your brother, remember that he can't make her move. She hasn't been declared incompetent and while the doctor thinks she should be in care, that doesn't compel her to go. Unless one of you has guardianship over her person, you can't compel her to do anything. So understand that that's a bind your brother is in.

When I realized that my mom should no longer live alone, I told " mom, I can't do this anymore (the endless trips an hour each way because she was upset about something) and told her that my brother (favorite child) was going to have a heart attack from racing to her home to rescue her from imaginary emergencies. My point is, ultimately, your mom is going to have to be convinced to move to AL. Unless of course she falls, ends up in rehab and then a nursing home. "Mom, if you go now, you have a choice about where you go. If you wait, maybe not so much".
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OMG! Of course, I had to email the social worker investigating m mom's case. She said she saw Mom almost a month ago and did not see any neglect. Of course she didn't see any physical neglect. She took Mom's word for everything. Mom was having a good afternoon, apparently. She said the case is still open. I explained everything to her hoping maybe she misunderstood why she was seeing her, but no response as of yet. So, I guess it will come down to Mom falling and hurting herself again before she will be placed.

I went to see her this afternoon and she was mean. LOL! She still won't see me, and is still angry. I don't blame her. She will never understand why I have stepped back. She still insists that she does not have dementia and her kidneys are fine. She told me this today! She had the nerve to tell me that the doctor doesn't think she has dementia! Haha! All she thinks is that I want her in a home. Oh well. It is what it is. The three of them can deal with her decline because I will not be a part of it any longer if my siblings won't do what's right by her.
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1. I hope you're saving all these text messages; they could be evidence if charges are brought for neglect.

2. I think your brother is showing the "I know how to do it better than you" attitude, which sometimes comes with people who are convinced they know more than you. And it's not just men; I know women who take this approach too....bossy know-it-alls.
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Well, The person I spoke with at APS said that Mom's situation does sound like it meets elder neglect criteria. It would, of course, have to be investigated and evaluated. So, I guess I have to proceed. Before it's too late. Thanks for all of your help and support everyone. I'll let ya know what happens.
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Well. I gave my siblings the week to change things. They did not, so I filed my complaint this morning. A social worker got back with me this afternoon! She said she will be visiting my mother soon. Good luck with that. The person also sent me the guardianship petition form and one for disability. I guess they do that for everyone, but I really didn't expect to hear back so soon! In government speak soon could very well mean 6 months!! I called Mom this morning to see if I could come see her tomorrow - she said no. She did hesitate, tho. I worry about her health, but oh well.......
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