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So many of you already know the crazy drama filled life I led due to the exes crazy mother. I stopped by the house to pick up more things and its a mess. As much as I do not like the woman, I feel bad. She has not has her medications in 4 days and her children cant figure out how to get them refilled since they forgot to ask during her doctor appointment and never put themselves on HIPPA forms. She also has another uti but they never called to get test results. I told her she needed to call the doctor to get antobiotics. She called and the medical assistant said the doctor hadnt looked at results and was out of office but she needed to call back Monday to get directions about if she was going to need oral or iv antibiotics. So I talked to my ex about taking responsibility of situations. He told me his brother was taking charge and to let him screw up. I told him he was an idiot since he lived in same house, he was responsible. He disagreed because some doctor actually declared her competent and he said it was on her and the brother. Ive been struggling with this since yesterday. I know the family needs to step up to plate and I dont want to get into the family politics but my conscience is telling me to fix it because I would feel guilt if something happened to her that I could have prevented. APS is not an option due to the fact the agent looking in on her is close friends with DIL. Any siggestions on what I should do?

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Tacy, you did the right thing, it's now in the families hands, and your conscious is clear! Keep moving forward and away from this family! Good job girl!
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Thanks for the update, Tacy. I'm glad they are starting to see the light.
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Just an update, last night I received a call from the not so nice son. I told him I could not give him the doctors personal cell number because any professional courtesy I received was due to my mom's working relationship with the doctor and his mother's special treatment was concluded when I left the situation. He then said I am the third person this week to tell him his mom is not special. He apologized for past behavior and said he didnt realize how difficult she was. Due to the sepsis, I told him to take her to ER. Whether he did or not is not my concern, but my conscience is now clear.
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This is bad enough that Tacy's calling the doc won't necessarily stop it from getting worse. So she could make the call if it will make her and her mom feel better. OTOH, her brother who lives there has specifically asked that responsibility be left with the POA and the (supposedly) competent elder for a reason, and Tacy's mom has no actual standing in the case. Said elder did at least make a call to the office, but I take it the concern is she will not remember to call again tomorrow?

Tacy, these folks are "exes" and your only tie to responsibility for them is that you as a private citizen know there is a relatively vulnerable elder in a relatively poor care situation. It is not a strong APS case (yet), and it is not a strong tie. A call to the doc and maybe even to the POA to let them know what the current need and state of affairs is, and that after this you are respectfully bowing out would be going the extra mile, for people you still care about though they have rejected you.
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Your mom is a nice person, Tacy, just like you. If your boyfriend won't call the doctor for his mom, then someone is gonna get mad at you for doing it. I know this must feel awful...one phone call to the doctor, what could it hurrt?

Maybe call the doctor, simply to let her/him know that you are no longer "in charge" (has the doc been notified of that, that the dysfunctional family is in charge)?
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So sad but true. You could step in now but it would only be a quick fix band-aid and the same thing would happen again and this time the family members will be counting on you being the one to fix it again. You made the decision to get out - now it's time to just keep looking forward not back. It's a pathetic situation and you're a kind hearted wanna fix it kinda gal but you can't. Not now not ever - not your fault, not your problem.
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I guess I just needed my decision not to help reinforced. My mom did a guilt trip on me over it...saying I have the doctor's cell number, he trusts me and would call in a prescription if I called him which is true but I know it has to get worse.
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Tacy, I remember when I first found this site. I remember reading over and over how the adult children felt so helpless knowing their adult Competent parents needed help but couldn't. They can't force their competent parents. They even tried APS who did a visit and said that as long as they are not a harm to themselves and others, there's nothing they can do. Several of these stories, they had to wait for the parents to deteriorate so badly, they had to go to the ER.

I knew this when I knew dad had pneumonia, his coughed up phlegm was greenish and struggling to breathe. I couldn't just stand there and watch. I begged the 911 to send an ambulance and have the EMT talk to dad. He refused to go. I then called APS and was told that no one can force my dad to go to the ER. It is his decision. She gave me the elder law attorney's number. They told me the same thing. I went to the insurance to ask for them to make an exception to the policy, and have dad's doctor do a home visit. I was very firmly denied. The lady gave me a number to call.... It was the APS. I finally gave up when several people here on this site told me that I need to step back and let it run its course. That dad will change his mind when the pain gets really bad. I had to wait another few weeks when he finally caved in.

It's really really hard to step back and let the chips fall. The situation needs to get so bad before anyone will take action. Unfortunately, she's deemed competent and nothing you or hubby can do will change the situation.
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Tacey, you seem to be one of those terminally responsible types (I have that gene too, but have worked hard to overcome it).

This is NOT your problem. She is her family's problem. From what you've written, her family operates as a closed unit, expelling anyone who tries to get them to do anything differently than the way they've been doing things, probably for generations. I'm sorry, my dear, but you can't fix stupid.
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I understand, you feel bad and you know that it isn't right, but your hands are tied. It sounds like there really is nothing you can do or say to fix this, so yeah, close your eyes, take a deep breath and keep on walking.
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Not your circus, not your monkeys. Keep moving on.
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Keep walking out the door and don't let it hit you on the *ss on the way out!
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