I agree. after living thru all the other posts of what happened when LO was taken out of the facility. I now go to her. I finally understand it was my last hold of life that was, not life that is. Losing a loved one to memory loss and personality loss is a slow walk down a lonely path.
I can see that cxmoody's response is correct, but it really hurts my heart to not take my mom for the rides she used to enjoy so much when she was in assisted living. I took her for a ride a few months ago, as they still refer to her at memory care as "high functioning" and they suggested it might be good for her to get out. The outing confused her more than inspiring her to look at the landscape and the farm animals, and not even the people were of interest when we got back to the city. She is a people and animal watcher, but what goes on inside the facility seems enough for her to handle now. Luckily, there are therapy dogs there and a very nice yard with a view of the mountains, so the yard is our outing space now. They are even bringing in a dentist to the facility now that covid restrictions are lightening up. However, I think it really depends on your wife's abilities. If it makes her happy to leave and see things going on outside the facility, then take her, but keep it very short at first to see how it goes.
My mom is not in memory care, but she sure qualifies.
During COVID, I TRIED to get her out a couple of times, but she was just so anxious and kind of terrified of everything. It was an epic fail and I don't try to do anything with her now.
We had a family wedding last week and YB took her to the all-day festivities. She was OK, but wanted to leave as soon as she got there. YB had told her she was either all in or all out--he's not her personal butler.
Now, other than 1 hr at Bingo once a week, she never leaves her apartment. Her memory is shot and she repeats her stories over and over again.
I'm sure some people could handle a day trip, or even a night's stay away, but I would be VERY careful how and where I took mom.
Are you thinking of doing this out of 'guilt' or does she really want a little adventure? Kind of a big difference. Don't let guilt push you into doing something that you can't handle.
Mom was absolutely exhausted by the two trips to wedding activities. She looked awful by 7 pm when the reception started---and she had only been away from home a total of 3 hrs.
Exactly my experience with my mom who's in memory care now. Any change or exposure to more than a couple people at once makes her very anxious. For the past several holidays, we had mom for dinner or took her to the family gathering. She did not want to eat much and wanted to go back as soon as she got there. We will not be taking her out again, it just doesn't benefit her and stresses me out as well.
When my mom was first in a nursing home (not MC, but she had dementia nonetheless), I took her out to lunch every week for about a month. It was clear she wasn't doing well with that, so I started bringing lunch to her and we'd eat at her place.
Eventually I moved her to a MC close to my house, and I intended to just bring her over to hang out with me during the day sometimes. It didn't happen once. She just got too anxious being outside of the familiar four walls of her place, even though she was very familiar with my house. It was the getting her there that was impossible to accomplish.
I learned that the best thing to do is to visit her in her surroundings, so that's what I've stuck with for two years now.
We tried to take my husband’s grandmother (dementia, in memory care) to lunch several times and it backfired. Grandmother would think we had all gone out of town. She got agitated, thinking we “won’t get home in time” and that she’d have no place to sleep tonight. Or she thought we were moving away and she’d be upset. She was in a single room but would be so disoriented that she couldn’t find her bathroom.
Please heed the others here. It may make you feel less guilty, but it is detrimental to her.
Same thing for me when I once took my dad out for a scenic drive. He used to love driving around. "Where are you taking me? You're just going to drop me off on a street corner..." On and on it went. He didn't look at anything, just hollered at me. I couldn't get him back to his facility fast enough. He didn't even recognize it when we approached it or even when I parked in the parking lot next to the entry door. He was so full of anxiety and saying terrible things that I was full of anxiety. However, once he walked through the doors and was INSIDE the memory care unit, it was as if nothing had happened and he was transformed to his old self! It was amazing to witness, and in the simple act of walking through the doorway, he had no recollection of just being in the car. (Somewhere sometime I read something about doorways and dementia sufferers, that walking through a doorway is like a portal for them. If you think about it, it really is a portal into a different environment, but dementia sufferers are only aware of the "now" and not that they just walked from one room to another.) After that traumatizing experience for me, I did not take him anywhere ever again. Now I have my mom, who is suffering from different dementia, and she is fierce about not leaving her room, so I let her be.
It depends. My mom did not do well on short excursions. I had to stop them early on, when she was going to a day care center. When she went to memory care, it was obviously out of the question. After returning from outings, she was so terribly disoriented and agitated, it took hours to calm her down.
When I saw how difficult it was for mom, then thoughts turn to staff that had to find a way to help mom when they had other residents to take care of. Taking her out was not fair to anyone, especially mom!
You have a couple of other questions that have been posted. All have to do with taking her out of a living situation. All answers on each of those questions address how hard this will be for your wife. I am sorry you are "aloneagain" it is hard for you to experience this change in your wife. It has happened to many.
When my mom went to memory care, her husband went to assisted living in the same facility. Initially, he would take her to visit his apartment and out to lunch in the assisted living dining room. Very quickly he realized that even those short visits were harmful and disorienting, causing agitation, for mom. He had to stop. Instead he would dine with her in the memory care dining room. He got to see her and spend time with her. He even had to stop afternoon visits because of mom's sundowner syndrome.
Are you able to visit her in the facility? Visit with her there? Bring in a nice lunch?
Thank you. You're very kind. Yes, I'm just an eight minute drive away. I visit every morning and stay as long as the current Covid restrictions allow. All of the answers here have helped more than I have words. I realize now that I will have to make the best of each visit and bring the occasional lunch as you suggest. I suppose I will have to live in her world instead of trying to bring her into mine.
I remember thinking my LO might enjoy “lunch out” after going to an out of facility medical appointment when she’d been in her MC for 6 months.
Much to my surprise when I asked her if she’d like to get a sandwich atone of her previously favorite lunch spots, she quickly answered-
“No, not right now. Let’s just GO HOME”.
Although I was distressed at her lack of interest, I soon realized that it was a huge positive FOR HER to accept her very pleasant residential placement as HOME.
Although we can never really understand the thinking of a patient with dementia, we have to be careful when assuming we’re doing something to benefit our LOs.
Sometimes out of love and memories, we have to step back and realize that we are planning because we love and miss them, but that carrying out those plans may not benefit them as much as we hope.
My Mom lasted about an hour and that was in the early stages of her Dementia. Church, forget that. People coming up to her and hugging her and just the crowd overwhelmed her.
I would say 3 hrs would be too much. Overnight, not at all. Its too confusing for them. They like familiarity. Like said, routine. They get frightened.
Depends where she is, and if they knew she was going. If she has wandered off then three hours is too long, if she is having a weekend with family who can cope then that is fine - there is no simple right or wrong answer to your question.
I am unable to transport my dad anywhere anymore due to his mobility issues but he does go to wound treatment or therapy several times a month via wheelchair van. The memory care says that even those outings cause him delirium and he thinks he has been to the airport in another state. He keeps wanting to know when he can go back to church (they do video church where he is). I keep telling him it's covid.
I agree, any change to her routine could cause her to be agitated and cause her distress. I think it would be better not to take her out. I know this is a sad answer.
Grandma was in NH back in 80s (before easy access to IL, AS, MC). Dad brought her (his MIL) over for Sunday dinner, but she was was agitated and very fearful. This was a home she had been to thousands of times. There was no calming her, she just sat there with eyes big with fear and wringing her hands. Dad packed GM back in to the car and drove her back to her home in the NH. We never took her off the facility grounds for the rest of her life. It broke our hearts to she her in such distress.
A change in any routine can be devastating, or it could have no effect at all. I had the opposite concern. I had my Husband at home and I placed him in a Memory Care facility for Respite. I was going on a much needed vacation and I would be gone about 3 weeks. I was frightened that he would be unable to come back home. I had no worries at all when I picked him up and he got into the house he went to his recliner and sat down just like it was a normal day. I am sure it took him a while to settle in at the facility but it was also the same one I used for Day Care so they knew him, he "knew" them.
I think it depends on your wife. It may depend on why you are taking her out. For lunch and back, probably not a problem. Particularly if the facility takes them on outings on a routine basis. Are you taking her to a function where there will be a lot of people? That might be a problem. Not so much the time factor but the many people, noise, confusion. Are you taking her back "home"? That might upset her. Are you going to a hotel? That might confuse her. Strange room, strange noises and no real way to make sure she is secure and does not leave the room. (yes I know there are chains or bars but they are easy to undo)
If you do take her out be prepared to bring her back if she gets anxious. If it is overnight to a function make sure that there is someone there that can care for her in a quiet area. Another room that is away from noise and confusion. I suggest hiring a caregiver or if possible one of the caregivers at the facility where she is so that your wife knows the person caring for her. Yes this means you will have to pay not just for the hours that the caregiver is with you but also travel expenses for another person. (and make sure you bring all her medications and a bit extra. make sure you bring extra supplies briefs, gloves, ointments, and more clothes than you think you will need. Going for 3 days? pack for 4 or 5)
In most cases bringing your wife is for you and for whom ever the function is for NOT for your wife. She, in all likely hood will not participate, enjoy or recall the event. And she may not even recall who the event is for. (I am guessing a wedding or graduation) I suggest you go. Have a good time. Bringing your wife you will not enjoy the event as fully as you should. Bring pictures back to show your wife.
I couldn’t disagree more with this strange idea that if he takes his wife with him it would be for him or for the people there but not for her. This is a really good example ( unfortunately)of the notion some people seem to catch almost like a bad virus that seniors are nothing more than small children and should be treated as such. Having cognitive decline does not and should not mean they are treated as less than a person. The irony in all of this is that one of the best protective factors mentally for those w dementia is remaining in the meaningful familiar environment of their own home ( therefore no need to place quotation marks around the word home) especially if they’ve lived there many years and have a lot of life events and memories there
Each person is different, taking her to a meal out maybe refreshing, but, consequences could have a devastating impact on her overall health, or it could be the well needed treatment she needs. My dad in the beginning did well with outings at a restaurant, but, only a few months later this changed. I would not try any over night trips and would never consider bringing her back home or to some place where she could relax at a family or friends house. If you go to a restaurant she enjoys hopefully a memory will trigger that will give her a realistic outlook that she won't be staying. It however, depends on how bad her memory is. Sometimes it is best to leave well enough alone and enjoy your time with her in the care facility. Speak with the staff at the care facility, they see and deal with her on a daily basis and are trained in matters like this.
One of the "promises " we made to Mom, 91 at the time, when we needed to relocate her from Southern Oregon independent living to AL near me in Washington, was we could all get together for holidays ( siblings live in Hawaii). She moved on to memory care within months of coming. The first time I brought her to my home ( 5 minutes away), she came in, sat down and said " do we need to tell them where I am?" Within an hour she was very anxious to go home. We never had the family holiday get togethers, too stressful for her. 4 years later she is still in memory care, and has no idea who I am, where she is or anything else. It breaks my heart everyday to not be able keep that promise.
If she has been in memory care a long time and does not recognize anyone, you cannot change things. It is what it is. Leave her where she knows the place, where she is cared for and do not add stress by confusing her. It will play havoc and not be pleasant for anyone. Leave her in peace. Go visit or do what you feel works best and just accept it. Some promises, like this one, cannot be held fast too. We often get hit with deals that just make it impossible and we are not doing anything wrong and should bear no guilt.
If you aren't sure, then test the waters. It could be you take her to lunch and see she is tired or demeanor changes after an hour or so. Could be she perks up, as some do, and is very engaged for 4-6 hours. I wouldn't try an overnight trip to anywhere out of town until you see how a short run works out.
It really depends on your wife's needs. Does she suffer from Sundowner's Syndrome in the late afternoon/evening? Does she need nap(s) sometime during the day? Is she easily confused or agitated if her routine or environment changes? Knowing what her usual routine is and when she is more likely to have problems is key to answering your question. That being said, many people could probably enjoy time outdoors or "away" with loved ones. Start with a 3 hour trip "away" and try longer "trips" over a series of weeks/months. She will probably need the stability of her memory care unit for most days of the week.
An afternoon is all we ever let Mom have, no overnight stuff--- or she would be so confused-- and it would like square one for the ALF staff-- and those kinda of things usually are passed on eventually financially. So think about the long run.. and understand there will be future declines from the plateau that she presently occupies. Best course of action-- go see her there and make sure she has a private room where you can close the door and not be disturbed by wandering neighbors. IF she is in the county home-- look for a better place. With better food-- so you can go eat lunch with her.
Everyone is different. I would suggest a brief visit for the first time and go from there. We brought my wife home for 6 hours. She did well but we were all exhausted. Sorry there is no easy answer.
I have had experiences all over the spectrum with various loved ones and taking them out. It really depends on the individual and the circumstances. And this isn’t just if they are living in MC or their own home or your home. It’s regardless of where they live and with what is familiar to them and where they are mentally. Some elders, with or without dementia, reach a stage where it is too stressful to go out or be around people, even if it’s there own people. Some caregivers even without dementia, find it too stressful to take them out.
We used to give my mom a big birthday party. Each year I would say never again, it caused her so much stress. There were only one or two people she really wanted to see although her grands and great grands would sometimes make a long trip to attend. I would be upset with her. The last party, I asked her if she wanted half of an anxiety tablet. She said she needed the whole tablet. Once she settled in, she had a great time. And she was just going to her own backyard. This party was indeed for her grown children as much as it was for her. I don’t apologize for that. She was upset for 30 min and had a great time for several hours. I was upset that same 30 min. and worked for hours before and after to pull it off. None of us live in a world where we can avoid upset. Even if we have to manufacture it for ourselves.
DH aunt, with dementia, had to evacuate due to a hurricane. She did great. It was amazing. I think they are perceptive to our moods and either they trust us or they don’t. Sometimes the ability to trust is gone. With her. the idea of evacuation is ingrained. She’s lived with it all her life. We took her several hours away. We stayed in a hotel for three nights. When we returned she had lost power. We had to clear out her freezers and frig. We stayed without power a couple of days and then returned to the hotel. Again, through it all, she was fine.
I’ve had other experiences (pre evacuation) where she had to go out for a local appointment and she would insist she needed to go home immediately. She wouldn’t recognize her home when we returned. Now, she lives in her bedroom with her hospital bed, lift chair, Christmas tree (always a must) and her tv. The only time she agrees to go out of her bedroom is to walk through her house with her therapist. She grumbles about that but she goes. She will be 95 in October and I was planning a party for her. It’s a long time until October when you are 94, on hospice, and have a smoldering COVID summer with hurricanes waiting to develop. She is content with her aides and visitors. I’m not as inclined to entertain, so it might pass.
We all just have to take it one day and one event at a time. If you are taking your wife out for a short drive for soft serve ice cream and she doesn’t get anxious (and you don’t get anxious) You might take her for a little longer drive the next time. No harm, no foul. You are just doing the best you can. Each person is different and even they aren’t the same every day.
By the way. Both mom and aunt looked at the photos from their gatherings and enjoyed them over and over on less eventful days. So there is that.
Good examples pointing out how it IS individual. It isn't about where they live or what the "outing" is for, it is how THEY react to the idea of going out or having a lot of people around, many of whom at this point might be unfamiliar to them.
We need to be attuned to their routine, and their overall demeanor if some outing is suggested. If it induces stress and anxiety, it likely won't go well!
Well, I will tell you this as someone with first hand experience having a 94 y/o mother with moderately advanced dementia who lives in Memory Care Assisted Living for the past 2 years. If I take her home to my house, she is ready to leave almost immediately; she is anxiety ridden beyond belief thinking she needs to get 'back home' and begins making preparations to leave right away. She worries about if she'll need to use my bathroom and how to manage it (she is wheelchair bound); she cannot eat properly b/c she has lost her fine motor skills so she drops the fork on the floor about a dozen times and then has a meltdown over it each time. She feels like she is being put on the spot and has to 'act' a certain way. It's a terrible ordeal for HER. She gets so horribly confused that it takes her 2 or 3 days to simmer down from an outing to my house. We do NOT take her here anymore at all; it's way too much for HER to bear, in reality. We go visit her at the MC; then there are no meltdowns, no anxiety, no nothing. We take food over there and have a 'family dinner' in the library if we want to; we bring Christmas Day to HER.
When my mother was suffering from mild to moderate dementia, we were able to bring her out to dinner and to our home, etc. We noticed she started getting quite anxiety ridden as time went by, however. As the dementia progressed to the advanced stages, that is when taking her out of her familiar surroundings became undoable.
Dementia wreaks havoc on a person's mind which is why they're in Memory Care to begin with. They're used to a routine and familiar faces and their room which is set up in a certain way, etc. When they're taken out of that environment, chaos can and does prevail oftentimes. Grandma1954 is SPOT ON with what she says, that any outing you take your wife on is more for YOU than it is for HER. We try so hard to create 'normalcy' for a person where normalcy has flown right out the window! "Normalcy" is for US. We are applying OUR rules to a disease that knows NO normalcy whatsoever. That is the best way to explain dementia. We have people say "Oh under NO circumstances should you break one of the 10 Commandments and LIE to your demented parent!" Which is pure nonsense. We have to say and do whatever is required to keep THEM happy and anxiety-free. THAT is the goal, nothing else. THEIR best interest must be kept in mind at all times, not ours.
If you are going to take advice from people on this forum, please do not take it from people who have NO EXPERIENCE dealing with demented elders and only want to judge you for placing your wife in Memory Care to BEGIN WITH! Those types of comments are useless and serve no good purpose at all. I thank God for my mother's MC and the staff who look after her every need (and there are MANY) on a daily basis. I could never do for her what an entire team of people working 24/7 do, that's for sure.
If you want to take your wife out of her MC, try it for a short period of time; take her out for an ice cream cone and see what happens.
Sarah3, I tried several times to take my husband to a function where there would be a lot of people. He was genuinely frightened of the noise, the people, the chaos of it all. At one he started crying. So not only did he not enjoy the event, I could not enjoy it myself and the host was concerned for both of us rather than focusing on the party. Needless to say we left early. I never treated him like a child, I did focus on him and what would keep him engaged, I did have friends come visit, we had dinners BUT I did that in an environment where he felt safe, comfortable. I also made the decision not to take him out when it became unsafe for me to try to get him in the car. If he became upset or confused it was more difficult to reason with so he would safely enter the car. I truly missed taking him out, traveling with him but it was not safe when he would try to leave a hotel room, open a car door when it was moving, or wander off while I was getting a drink for him.
Exactly. It isn't treating someone like a child if we decide to not take them to outings and functions if it is only going to upset them and cause distress. I wouldn't force a child to do something that would distress them, so why would I want to distress an adult? To gratify myself? The host? Others who may want to see the person, but who don't understand their condition? WHAT is the point? This has nothing to do with treating them like children. NOTHING.
It isn't clear whether Sarah has experience with dementia, as many posts from her follow this same mind set - we are treating our LOs like children! It couldn't be any further from the truth! Her profile only says: "I am caring for my mother, living at home with age-related decline."
So sure, Sarah, if our LOs were only dealing with age-related decline, by all means take them IF they want to go and IF it doesn't distress them. Earlier stages of dementia, as can clearly be seen in the other comments, we might be able to safely take our LOs out to restaurants, family gatherings or parties, but as it progresses many prefer not to go and make it CLEAR they don't want to go OR make it clear once at the restaurant or other outing they want to go home. They show very clear signs of distress, which is why Grandma1954 said we aren't doing it for them, but rather ourselves or those at the outing/function. It doesn't do anyone any good to have a LO in distress just to gratify ourselves.
How long is too long? It depends wholly on your wife and how she handles being "away." It is different for each person with dementia and it changes over time. During the early stages, outings to restaurants or small family gatherings might be okay. You really need to read her body language and/or her responses to queries about going out. If she seems distressed by the idea, then it's probably best not to try. If she seems willing to venture out, you should try shorter outings and see how it goes.
A drive to a favorite park, ice cream place, etc. where there are no distinct plans would be best to start with. Any signs of anxiety or distress would be your signal to bring her back to the facility. If she does well, you could try a restaurant, esp if you can go during non-peak hours, so there are less people, noise and general hub-bub that might bring on anxiety. Another option would be to go to a small family gathering locally, but again with plans for exit if she seems upset or distressed in any way.
I wouldn't recommend taking her to the last home she lived in - that might be confusing or upsetting for her and she may refuse to leave. It all depends on where she is in her "journey" as to whether visiting her own previous home would be good or bad. Overnight is likely not a good idea. Once they are acclimated to the facility routine, they may be seeking their room, care-givers, bathroom, etc as that is what is familiar to them.
Worst case is to stick with what you posted:
"I suppose I will have to live in her world instead of trying to bring her into mine."
Again, it depends on her, where she is in this dreadful journey, how she reacts to the idea of going "out", etc. One recommendation staff would give to family of new residents is pretty much what you said - be in the moment, live in THEIR reality. They have their own and trying to fit them into our reality really doesn't work well.
Before understanding much about dementia, I made mistakes. One was trying to correct my mother. She insisted her cousin, to her surprise, not only came to a baby shower we attended, but that cousin picked her up and brought her there. That "cousin" was my daughter, her granddaughter and when I said that, she clammed up! My words and the images/thoughts in her head didn't mesh. I have no idea when the last time my mother ever saw that cousin, but I'd only heard the name multiple times in the past - I've never met her, so that was some really old memory and there must be some resemblance between them! I learned my lessons since then.
As I noted in other comments here, my mother was already self-isolating when still in her own condo. No one could get her to go to Sr Center events (friends, nice people in the center, me all tried - nope.) She used to go with bells on, esp when there was a free meal! Before and after moving to MC, we could take her out to small gatherings, usually a restaurant or the baby shower. Most doctor/dentist trips were local - only exception was eye treatments, but she did okay (she would comment on how long it was for the eye doc.) Even those became difficult - I would show up to take her and she tried every excuse in the book to refuse to go!
So, you have to trust your judgement about short day outings. Start with minimal and see how it goes. But, understand that even if you can get her to longer outings, that will likely change over time. When mom wasn't going out, I would visit her there. Sometimes I would join them for meals, sometimes I brought meals or birthday "parties" in, sometimes it was just spending some time together.
If you give it a try and it doesn't work out, at least you tried. Then you'd know for sure that it doesn't do her any good to take her out. The important part is that you spend your time with her and be there for her, as long as you can. It will help reinforce her memories of you longer, the more you visit. Take what you can and go with the "flow."
My last answer was lost somehow. My mom's facility won't retain her room if she is gone for over 23 hours for any reason. Check with the facility if there are any rules. Good luck.
I am a caregiver with an agency, and also care for my Mom, 89. Dad passed away last summer at 92 of Alzheimers disease. Most of my clients have some sort of dementia, and I have been with them and followed their progression. One thing I have learned at this: Slow Down! Don't change subjects quickly, don't ask too many questions and patiently wait while the person processes. I've heard loving spouses ask "Are you hungry? How about a grilled cheese? I can make some soup? It's a chilly day, soup my be good, what do you think....". Someone with any dementia can't cope with that rapid fire questioning. They also can't cope with a disruption in routine very well. Going out for lunch, or even ice cream, entails a lot. Just choosing something from the menu, or a flavor of ice cream can be overwhelming! Especially since many people with dementia can no longer read. One thing I have great success with is going for a ride. No need to get out of the car, just drive around. In spring there are beautiful flowering trees and shrubs. In fall there are brilliant autumn colors. At Christmas time people have their holiday decorations up. A favorite spot for one client was a park along the river. We'd park in the shade and watch all the boats go up and down, and wonder where they were going. Sometimes I'd make up stories about the people on the boat, and she'd embellish the tale for me. I guess the point is an hour in the car looking around is probably much less stressful than lunch in a restaurant or even a friend's house. And if they visit the bathroom before you go it's about the right timing for that too. I always find this kind of outing very refreshing for both of us!
Last few times we took my mother out were awful. She would become completely confused. At the doctor (usually for a vaccine or blood test) she'd ask over and over why she was there - before and after the jab! Trip to a cafe or shop, she'd want to come home within 15 minutes. Yet she was always moaning she 'never goes anywhere' - one time she insisted on coming to my dental appointment with me, a 20 minute drive. She moaned about how long the drive was, and spent the whole time thinking that the appointment was for her, not for me. Now she's been in a care home for 2.5 months and always thinks I've come to take her home. It's heartbreaking. I would dread trying to take her anywhere as she'd get so distressed and muddled. That's been my experience so far, anyway. Good luck to you all xxx
I would say any longer than twenty-four hours is too long. It's best to check with the facility about the rules of the maximum time she can be kept out of the facility.
The routine there is important to a brain that is not working properly. The issues that qualify a person for MC do not improve.
Unless this is a doctor’s appointment, I would advise strongly against it.
During COVID, I TRIED to get her out a couple of times, but she was just so anxious and kind of terrified of everything. It was an epic fail and I don't try to do anything with her now.
We had a family wedding last week and YB took her to the all-day festivities. She was OK, but wanted to leave as soon as she got there. YB had told her she was either all in or all out--he's not her personal butler.
Now, other than 1 hr at Bingo once a week, she never leaves her apartment. Her memory is shot and she repeats her stories over and over again.
I'm sure some people could handle a day trip, or even a night's stay away, but I would be VERY careful how and where I took mom.
Are you thinking of doing this out of 'guilt' or does she really want a little adventure? Kind of a big difference. Don't let guilt push you into doing something that you can't handle.
Mom was absolutely exhausted by the two trips to wedding activities. She looked awful by 7 pm when the reception started---and she had only been away from home a total of 3 hrs.
Eventually I moved her to a MC close to my house, and I intended to just bring her over to hang out with me during the day sometimes. It didn't happen once. She just got too anxious being outside of the familiar four walls of her place, even though she was very familiar with my house. It was the getting her there that was impossible to accomplish.
I learned that the best thing to do is to visit her in her surroundings, so that's what I've stuck with for two years now.
We tried to take my husband’s grandmother (dementia, in memory care) to lunch several times and it backfired. Grandmother would think we had all gone out of town. She got agitated, thinking we “won’t get home in time” and that she’d have no place to sleep tonight. Or she thought we were moving away and she’d be upset. She was in a single room but would be so disoriented that she couldn’t find her bathroom.
Please heed the others here. It may make you feel less guilty, but it is detrimental to her.
When I saw how difficult it was for mom, then thoughts turn to staff that had to find a way to help mom when they had other residents to take care of. Taking her out was not fair to anyone, especially mom!
You have a couple of other questions that have been posted. All have to do with taking her out of a living situation. All answers on each of those questions address how hard this will be for your wife. I am sorry you are "aloneagain" it is hard for you to experience this change in your wife. It has happened to many.
When my mom went to memory care, her husband went to assisted living in the same facility. Initially, he would take her to visit his apartment and out to lunch in the assisted living dining room. Very quickly he realized that even those short visits were harmful and disorienting, causing agitation, for mom. He had to stop. Instead he would dine with her in the memory care dining room. He got to see her and spend time with her. He even had to stop afternoon visits because of mom's sundowner syndrome.
Are you able to visit her in the facility? Visit with her there? Bring in a nice lunch?
Much to my surprise when I asked her if she’d like to get a sandwich atone of her previously favorite lunch spots, she quickly answered-
“No, not right now. Let’s just GO HOME”.
Although I was distressed at her lack of interest, I soon realized that it was a huge positive FOR HER to accept her very pleasant residential placement as HOME.
Although we can never really understand the thinking of a patient with dementia, we have to be careful when assuming we’re doing something to benefit
our LOs.
Sometimes out of love and memories, we have to step back and realize that we are planning because we love and miss them, but that carrying out those plans may not benefit them as much as we hope.
I would say 3 hrs would be too much. Overnight, not at all. Its too confusing for them. They like familiarity. Like said, routine. They get frightened.
Grandma was in NH back in 80s (before easy access to IL, AS, MC). Dad brought her (his MIL) over for Sunday dinner, but she was was agitated and very fearful. This was a home she had been to thousands of times. There was no calming her, she just sat there with eyes big with fear and wringing her hands. Dad packed GM back in to the car and drove her back to her home in the NH. We never took her off the facility grounds for the rest of her life. It broke our hearts to she her in such distress.
Play it by ear and if she seems happy then let her stay away as you want her to be with you and as long as you're able to watch her.
I had the opposite concern. I had my Husband at home and I placed him in a Memory Care facility for Respite. I was going on a much needed vacation and I would be gone about 3 weeks. I was frightened that he would be unable to come back home. I had no worries at all when I picked him up and he got into the house he went to his recliner and sat down just like it was a normal day. I am sure it took him a while to settle in at the facility but it was also the same one I used for Day Care so they knew him, he "knew" them.
I think it depends on your wife.
It may depend on why you are taking her out.
For lunch and back, probably not a problem. Particularly if the facility takes them on outings on a routine basis.
Are you taking her to a function where there will be a lot of people? That might be a problem. Not so much the time factor but the many people, noise, confusion.
Are you taking her back "home"? That might upset her. Are you going to a hotel? That might confuse her. Strange room, strange noises and no real way to make sure she is secure and does not leave the room. (yes I know there are chains or bars but they are easy to undo)
If you do take her out be prepared to bring her back if she gets anxious.
If it is overnight to a function make sure that there is someone there that can care for her in a quiet area. Another room that is away from noise and confusion. I suggest hiring a caregiver or if possible one of the caregivers at the facility where she is so that your wife knows the person caring for her. Yes this means you will have to pay not just for the hours that the caregiver is with you but also travel expenses for another person.
(and make sure you bring all her medications and a bit extra. make sure you bring extra supplies briefs, gloves, ointments, and more clothes than you think you will need. Going for 3 days? pack for 4 or 5)
In most cases bringing your wife is for you and for whom ever the function is for NOT for your wife. She, in all likely hood will not participate, enjoy or recall the event. And she may not even recall who the event is for. (I am guessing a wedding or graduation)
I suggest you go. Have a good time. Bringing your wife you will not enjoy the event as fully as you should.
Bring pictures back to show your wife.
My dad in the beginning did well with outings at a restaurant, but, only a few months later this changed. I would not try any over night trips and would never consider bringing her back home or to some place where she could relax at a family or friends house. If you go to a restaurant she enjoys hopefully a memory will trigger that will give her a realistic outlook that she won't be staying. It however, depends on how bad her memory is. Sometimes it is best to leave well enough alone and enjoy your time with her in the care facility. Speak with the staff at the care facility, they see and deal with her on a daily basis and are trained in matters like this.
IF she is in the county home-- look for a better place. With better food-- so you can go eat lunch with her.
Some elders, with or without dementia, reach a stage where it is too stressful to go out or be around people, even if it’s there own people. Some caregivers even without dementia, find it too stressful to take them out.
We used to give my mom a big birthday party. Each year I would say never again, it caused her so much stress. There were only one or two people she really wanted to see although her grands and great grands would sometimes make a long trip to attend. I would be upset with her. The last party, I asked her if she wanted half of an anxiety tablet. She said she needed the whole tablet. Once she settled in, she had a great time. And she was just going to her own backyard. This party was indeed for her grown children as much as it was for her. I don’t apologize for that. She was upset for 30 min and had a great time for several hours. I was upset that same 30 min. and worked for hours before and after to pull it off. None of us live in a world where we can avoid upset. Even if we have to manufacture it for ourselves.
DH aunt, with dementia, had to evacuate due to a hurricane. She did great. It was amazing. I think they are perceptive to our moods and either they trust us or they don’t. Sometimes the ability to trust is gone. With her. the idea of evacuation is ingrained. She’s lived with it all her life. We took her several hours away. We stayed in a hotel for three nights. When we returned she had lost power. We had to clear out her freezers and frig. We stayed without power a couple of days and then returned to the hotel. Again, through it all, she was fine.
I’ve had other experiences (pre evacuation) where she had to go out for a local appointment and she would insist she needed to go home immediately. She wouldn’t recognize her home when we returned.
Now, she lives in her bedroom with her hospital bed, lift chair, Christmas tree (always a must) and her tv. The only time she agrees to go out of her bedroom is to walk through her house with her therapist. She grumbles about that but she goes. She will be 95 in October and I was planning a party for her. It’s a long time until October when you are 94, on hospice, and have a smoldering COVID summer with hurricanes waiting to develop. She is content with her aides and visitors. I’m not as inclined to entertain, so it might pass.
We all just have to take it one day and one event at a time. If you are taking your wife out for a short drive for soft serve ice cream and she doesn’t get anxious (and you don’t get anxious) You might take her for a little longer drive the next time. No harm, no foul. You are just doing the best you can. Each person is different and even they aren’t the same every day.
By the way. Both mom and aunt looked at the photos from their gatherings and enjoyed them over and over on less eventful days. So there is that.
We need to be attuned to their routine, and their overall demeanor if some outing is suggested. If it induces stress and anxiety, it likely won't go well!
When my mother was suffering from mild to moderate dementia, we were able to bring her out to dinner and to our home, etc. We noticed she started getting quite anxiety ridden as time went by, however. As the dementia progressed to the advanced stages, that is when taking her out of her familiar surroundings became undoable.
Dementia wreaks havoc on a person's mind which is why they're in Memory Care to begin with. They're used to a routine and familiar faces and their room which is set up in a certain way, etc. When they're taken out of that environment, chaos can and does prevail oftentimes. Grandma1954 is SPOT ON with what she says, that any outing you take your wife on is more for YOU than it is for HER. We try so hard to create 'normalcy' for a person where normalcy has flown right out the window! "Normalcy" is for US. We are applying OUR rules to a disease that knows NO normalcy whatsoever. That is the best way to explain dementia. We have people say "Oh under NO circumstances should you break one of the 10 Commandments and LIE to your demented parent!" Which is pure nonsense. We have to say and do whatever is required to keep THEM happy and anxiety-free. THAT is the goal, nothing else. THEIR best interest must be kept in mind at all times, not ours.
If you are going to take advice from people on this forum, please do not take it from people who have NO EXPERIENCE dealing with demented elders and only want to judge you for placing your wife in Memory Care to BEGIN WITH! Those types of comments are useless and serve no good purpose at all. I thank God for my mother's MC and the staff who look after her every need (and there are MANY) on a daily basis. I could never do for her what an entire team of people working 24/7 do, that's for sure.
If you want to take your wife out of her MC, try it for a short period of time; take her out for an ice cream cone and see what happens.
Wishing you the best of luck.
I never treated him like a child, I did focus on him and what would keep him engaged, I did have friends come visit, we had dinners BUT I did that in an environment where he felt safe, comfortable.
I also made the decision not to take him out when it became unsafe for me to try to get him in the car. If he became upset or confused it was more difficult to reason with so he would safely enter the car.
I truly missed taking him out, traveling with him but it was not safe when he would try to leave a hotel room, open a car door when it was moving, or wander off while I was getting a drink for him.
It isn't clear whether Sarah has experience with dementia, as many posts from her follow this same mind set - we are treating our LOs like children! It couldn't be any further from the truth! Her profile only says:
"I am caring for my mother, living at home with age-related decline."
So sure, Sarah, if our LOs were only dealing with age-related decline, by all means take them IF they want to go and IF it doesn't distress them. Earlier stages of dementia, as can clearly be seen in the other comments, we might be able to safely take our LOs out to restaurants, family gatherings or parties, but as it progresses many prefer not to go and make it CLEAR they don't want to go OR make it clear once at the restaurant or other outing they want to go home. They show very clear signs of distress, which is why Grandma1954 said we aren't doing it for them, but rather ourselves or those at the outing/function. It doesn't do anyone any good to have a LO in distress just to gratify ourselves.
A drive to a favorite park, ice cream place, etc. where there are no distinct plans would be best to start with. Any signs of anxiety or distress would be your signal to bring her back to the facility. If she does well, you could try a restaurant, esp if you can go during non-peak hours, so there are less people, noise and general hub-bub that might bring on anxiety. Another option would be to go to a small family gathering locally, but again with plans for exit if she seems upset or distressed in any way.
I wouldn't recommend taking her to the last home she lived in - that might be confusing or upsetting for her and she may refuse to leave. It all depends on where she is in her "journey" as to whether visiting her own previous home would be good or bad. Overnight is likely not a good idea. Once they are acclimated to the facility routine, they may be seeking their room, care-givers, bathroom, etc as that is what is familiar to them.
Worst case is to stick with what you posted:
"I suppose I will have to live in her world instead of trying to bring her into mine."
Again, it depends on her, where she is in this dreadful journey, how she reacts to the idea of going "out", etc. One recommendation staff would give to family of new residents is pretty much what you said - be in the moment, live in THEIR reality. They have their own and trying to fit them into our reality really doesn't work well.
Before understanding much about dementia, I made mistakes. One was trying to correct my mother. She insisted her cousin, to her surprise, not only came to a baby shower we attended, but that cousin picked her up and brought her there. That "cousin" was my daughter, her granddaughter and when I said that, she clammed up! My words and the images/thoughts in her head didn't mesh. I have no idea when the last time my mother ever saw that cousin, but I'd only heard the name multiple times in the past - I've never met her, so that was some really old memory and there must be some resemblance between them! I learned my lessons since then.
As I noted in other comments here, my mother was already self-isolating when still in her own condo. No one could get her to go to Sr Center events (friends, nice people in the center, me all tried - nope.) She used to go with bells on, esp when there was a free meal! Before and after moving to MC, we could take her out to small gatherings, usually a restaurant or the baby shower. Most doctor/dentist trips were local - only exception was eye treatments, but she did okay (she would comment on how long it was for the eye doc.) Even those became difficult - I would show up to take her and she tried every excuse in the book to refuse to go!
So, you have to trust your judgement about short day outings. Start with minimal and see how it goes. But, understand that even if you can get her to longer outings, that will likely change over time. When mom wasn't going out, I would visit her there. Sometimes I would join them for meals, sometimes I brought meals or birthday "parties" in, sometimes it was just spending some time together.
If you give it a try and it doesn't work out, at least you tried. Then you'd know for sure that it doesn't do her any good to take her out. The important part is that you spend your time with her and be there for her, as long as you can. It will help reinforce her memories of you longer, the more you visit. Take what you can and go with the "flow."
They also can't cope with a disruption in routine very well. Going out for lunch, or even ice cream, entails a lot. Just choosing something from the menu, or a flavor of ice cream can be overwhelming! Especially since many people with dementia can no longer read.
One thing I have great success with is going for a ride. No need to get out of the car, just drive around. In spring there are beautiful flowering trees and shrubs. In fall there are brilliant autumn colors. At Christmas time people have their holiday decorations up. A favorite spot for one client was a park along the river. We'd park in the shade and watch all the boats go up and down, and wonder where they were going. Sometimes I'd make up stories about the people on the boat, and she'd embellish the tale for me.
I guess the point is an hour in the car looking around is probably much less stressful than lunch in a restaurant or even a friend's house. And if they visit the bathroom before you go it's about the right timing for that too.
I always find this kind of outing very refreshing for both of us!