How long does stage 7 last?

My sister has LBD-very near if not already in stage 7. Which is very very challenging. For a hot minute, I thought about bringing her to live with me as her last community was awful-loosing weight, injuries, and a long list of other issues as her abilities declined. I knew I would not be able to sustain her care for the long term-desparate to get her out of the bad place. Took almost 6 months to find a good place that would accept my sister and all her behavior issues. I do wonder a tiny bit about her time left but not at the top of the list. Can not be in the room with her, hold her hand give her a hug-which i know she is missing me terribly and tries to communicate this. Window visit better than nothing but not enough for her or me. Trying to make the best of a horrible situation-knowing it will cause the end of her life if covid doesnt. I try to take one day at at time-i do not to focus on how many days or years we have together. She incontinent, and cries all the time-loud-moaning for hours. I would be afraid to have her here-she could be frightened and confused by my immediate family or think that she could stay here permanently. I can not do the work of 10 people period. The community does not let residents "go out" unless and emergency and would be quarantined when they return.

My parents are 95, living in their own home with caregivers who are a mixed bag. Parents refuse to go to facility where i believe they would get more consistent care-cheaper than home care. My mother refuses to consider the health of my father and what can be done to help him. My mom does not consider how much time i spend with them and doing stuff for them. I have been keeping track- ranges from 5 to 15 hours a week. Now more time needed as dad is in the hospital-mom does not drive-i take her to see dad. One other family member does not do anything unless is convenient for him to do so-will not even answer his phone when he can see it is mom calling. Mom is has her fantasy that dad is great strong healthy. not true has many issues and been in the hospital 4 times since october.

I am always exhausted I had a short time out due to covid-in the beginning.
I felt like my normal self able to do for my family etc.

Mom says horrible things to me -like i know you (me) wish they were dead because it is so much work all the time and worse-while also laying a guilt trip on me about i am supposed to take care of them. I am positive she does not say this to the other lazy sibling with no job and nothing else to do all day except whine a out his life. If you can possibly find some kind of balance-do it and do it now-boundaries are hard to maintain the line seems to be a moving target every single day.

Infant grandchild taken by Grandfather with dementia who wandered. Found by Police in a local supermarket - no harm done. Can you imagine the panic & distress of the Grandmother & parents finding the child missing? The arrangements were started immediately for nursing home admission. True story.

An elder who needs 'everything done for her' as stated will have to take 2nd place to a baby. She may accept this??? but also may become demanding/jealous/act out. Nap when baby naps - how will that happen? Overnight feeding? Crying baby disturbing MIL or MIL disturbing the baby?

I suppose it worked in the last century so I suppose it could work... but I would look for another option. Your MIL needs care. That does not mean you have to provide it 24/7 & forgo your future.

I hear that one dimension of your stress is the time limit for starting a family. But adoption has no time limit. My niece is adopted from Vietnam, and is a greatly loved part of the family. I hope you will consider it.

I can tell you this, my Mom who has had dementia for approximately three years has thanked me repeatedly for "not putting her in a home"...when, in fact, she's in the memory care unit of an assisted living facility. Let go of the guilt that comes with that option. The only way to get some sanity (and probably save your marriage and enable you to move forward with your family) is to consider care options. The burnout is real. I can tell you from experience that caring for someone round the clock with dementia is more difficult than raising children -- you'll be well equipped and prepared, but you'll need the time and sanity (and sleep) required for that.

Thank you for this advice.  I also am in the same boat, and am ready to put my MIL in a home.  She has been with my husband and I for almost 18 months and getting worse by the day almost.  The only problem that I have is with the quarnatines right now.  They would put her in quarantine for 2-3 weeks and with her being able to get out each day with her care givers and myself, I just cannot do that.  Some days are totally exhausting.  I cannot imagine trying to start a family with the rest of it.  My career and dealing with her and her issues is almost too much.

Yes, this illness is definitely awful. I think most people wonder at some point when the end will come for their LO. Admitting the feelings is helpful. So is talking with other people in the same situation, as in a support group.

I'll be frank: Yes, your MIL has all the Alzheimer's/dementia signs that all caregivers struggle with and have to make decisions about. But your biggest issue is your husband. He has put caring for your mother before your life together and it's negatively impacting any long-term plans you have/had. In fact, his need to care for his mother is pushing your plans off the page. Does your husband even want to have a child right now or is this your dream? I would suggest some counseling for the two of you to sort this out to be able to determine what lies ahead for your life together and if a child is part of that future.

Your MIL needs 24/7 care. She could greatly benefit from being in a community that provides her with this. The stimulation of others around her may actually be beneficial. If not a MC, then night-time caregivers at home so that you, your husband, family are not up all night with her. Has she been evaluated for a UTI that may be causing increased problems with urination?

There are no easy answers here except to start digging past what's happening with your MIL to prevent the bitterness you're afraid will creep into your life.

If you can afford it, find a facility to take her to. If you had a loved one with a serious physical condition and needed an operation would you decide to preform it yourself? Dementia is no different. You aren’t qualified to give her the care she needs. Her toilet habits are setting her up for UTIs that can literally kill her at this stage. Both my mother and stepfather died due to their dementia spiraling down due to a UTI. Please do her and yourselves a favor and either get 24/7 professional help in home or find a memory care facility for her.
If you look at it logically rather than emotionally the fact you are having a hard times means the situation is beyond your ability. That’s not a crime, that’s a normal limitation. We all have them.

You are not alone in feeling the way you feel. I think in years past there was a lot of stigma and fear around placing elderly loved ones in a home, but there have been a lot of changes over the years. More regulations and oversight have been put in place than in years before, family is allowed more visitation and involvement in care, and greater technology (eg. security cams, timed computer logins,etc) make for more detourants for would be abusers and make care management more organized. Maybe touring some facilities to see for yourself would help put you more at ease. She is likely safer in the facility than in your house where there is access to stove tops, knives etc. In the facility she won't have access to things that could harm herself or you all.

If its a money situation that makes the option feel impossible, there are a ton of programs out there that can help. Look into your local Area Agency On Aging and ask about resources for funding her placement care or just look into your state assistance web pages and I am sure you will find more options.

We all will grow old one day. I know I would never want my need for care to rob my daughter of her chance for a family of her own. Would you want to do that to your future child when it's your time? I believe, like all the others here, placement is the right move for everyone. Just need to get more educated about it so it doesn't feel so unsettling.

I really feel for you, my FIL passed away a week ago, he had vascular dementia - he became immobile, incontinent and all the other behaviours you mentioned about 1 year ago - it’s a terrible disease and I really feel for you.my SIL cares for my FIL in his home with her family - it’s rewarding however her marriage and children have sacrificed a lot. We helped as much as we could but she carried a lions share and it wasn’t easy. Every patient is different, and I wish you all the very best in this difficult journey xx

First, I wish you both God's choicest blessings for the wonderful care you and your husband are providing mom.

Aside from the splendid care you both help provide, I agree with others that she MUST go into a home. If the long pole in the tent, aside from your emotions, is how to fund putting her in a home, then whatever her assets are, including selling her home, should be exhausted, and then she should be placed on Medicaid. You will need a qualified eldercare attorney to help you with this. (I say qualified, because in my family's case, I spoke with three so-called elder care attorney before finding one who knew precisely how to handle this work. The first three just didn't know enough to be of any help.)

Emotions are sometimes nearly impossible to handle. We must learn to separate how we feel from what we do.

I wish you both god speed in making the situation bearable.

Grace + Peace,
Bob in North Carolina

In the very most loving and fair way for ALL of you, “putting her in a home” needs to “become an option”, and if it doesn’t become an option, you will need to put you well deserved thoughts and reams on hold, and be prepared to sacrifice them altogether.

SO- deal with “guilt” which, when you think of it, is a totally useless and damaging reaction to circumstances that will continue every day to become more unmanageable, as Mom’s needs increase.

As I’m sure you will have previously been told, there are many factors to infertility, and adding stress is never a good idea. And you WILL feel bitterness if you don’t address the reality that the time is approaching when her care needs to be undertaken in a safe place where they will be met by trained specialists.

Sometimes the IDEA of not placing a LO can exceed the reality of what home care inevitably becomes. You may already have reached that point.

The questions you are asking have no reasonable solutions within the structure of the life you are looking for, and are entitled to.

Ask yourself and then ASK YOUR HUSBAND- if she were aware that a grandchild would not be born because of your current responsibilities would she want you to continue as you are?

Last point, when caring for a significantly disabled LO, you sometimes co e to a point at which there are NO PLEASANT DECISIONS AVAILABLE. What you then must do with love and respect, is to choose the least bad decisions of the bad ones.

I had 2 cherished children after the age of 38, after a long terribly difficult infertility history. Please consider my comments carefully.

No you are no a bad person for thinking that.. you’re human. I am currently taking care of my MIL & I think that on a daily basis. I can answer one of your questions about her taking off her diaper at night: put a one piece pajamas on her backwards. The zipper or buttons in the back. I had to do that w/ my mom when I cared for her. When the time comes that my MIL starts to do that, then that’s what I’ll do. Good luck with your present & future family. Linda

Holy hell girl put her in a home. Bringing a baby into the world amid that lifestyle sounds incredibly cruel. If a home is not an option, move a few hours (minimum) away so you dont have to deal with her so much.

My grandmother lived 10 years at the end stage. She too was healthy other than the dementia, which caused her to not be able to care for her own needs in any way, shape or form.

They get to a point that they really do need a village to care for them. I would not decide that a facility is completely off the table.

Putting her in a home is the ONLY option. She needs the professional care and you and hubby want a child. Yes, stress is often a major factor with infertility. Place MIL before you have a child. This too will pass.

Erica, Long story short, if putting her into placement is not an option at all, I have no answer EXCEPT to say, your asking how long this can last is normal, and there isn't a soul on earth who wouldn't ask that, out loud or within.
As I said, without placement I cannot see an answer. You gave us a stage and I guess someone out there in google-land will have some charts and grafts that will guess at the amount of time that is left, but the truth is no one can really tell you. If you want a guess the people who work with her medically would be the ones to give the best guess-tamite. And I doubt they would be too shocked at the question: "In your professional opinion what sort of timeline are we looking at".
I cannot imagine bringing a baby into this. There are things you cannot know until you have been there about sleep deprivation, hormonal stuff that can sometimes cause severe depression; it isn't all joy, and the frustration may bring you to acceptance to know that you are not without limitation.
I am so sorry you are facing this down. I DO know my limitations. I would not have lasted a month caring for a (even much loved) elder on my own, and I spent my career as a nurse who LOVED my profession. So sorry for all you are facing.

Stress alone, can cause infertility. Think about whether you would really want to bring a baby into the stressful life you are living. Babies are exhausting too, but add to that an elder with dementia, very difficult. What if mom sees the baby as competition for your attention? Does mom have bouts of agitation?

You say it is not possible to move mom to a facility. Why not? You and hubs have done plenty and have too much responsibility for her. Time to shop for a facility for mom. You and especially the baby deserve the comfort of a home that is as free of stress as possible.

I see on another point st of yours that it is our responsibility to provide the best care possible to our elderly. Is that what mom is receiving? She is being taken care of by two people that are exhausted from the day to day caring and the other responsibilities of stressful jobs and life. That is very likely provided in a facility where the day to day is for the trained professionals and advocacy is for family.