How long does it usually take for people to adjust to assisted living?

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Here is the progression of my moms deterioration and my caregiving:
2010 - at age 79 she had hip replacement and didn't recover well. She was living in a large house in California (I am in Dallas). My brother and I moved her to Texas to be closer to me because I was flying out to help her so much and she had no other family in California. The plan was to have her live in a senior independent living. When she got to Texas she announced that she wouldn't move into the independent living but wanted to live with us. We already had my mother in law and father in law living with us at the time. Reluctantly we agreed but in order for her to have a place to live we had to add on to the house. We turned our three car garage into an apartment and she moved in. She paid for it - $80,000.
2014 - She is incontinent of urine and stool, she has fallen 7 times in the last six months and the fire department has had to come pick her up off the floor. (We weren't there when it happened). She can't manage her toileting and I had to get her a diaper pail to help with the odor. Her room is right next to the kitchen and the smell from her room has started coming in the house. (I insisted she hire a cleaning service to help her with her bathroom and she had them for a couple of months and then fired them because she is very frugal and didn't want to spend the money). She requires help with transfers, needs to be assisted to get into bed, can't get up to prepare meals or do much of anything. She sits in her recliner all day and can hardly walk. In addition she is difficult. She orders me around, doesn't say please or thank you, is critical of my three children (ages 12, 13 and 16). She has a long list of things she needs me to do for her each day. I have the three children and my husband and I own a busy company...

NOW - it took me four hours to get her into the car and to and from a doctors appointment a month ago (transferring, the appt, and back home). The doctor recommended inpatient physical therapy because she has had home care therapy since March and doesn't seem to be improving. She went to the inpatient facility for two weeks. She didn't really have improvement because according to the therapy staff she didn't try and refused to do things.

When planning her discharge I told her that she couldn't come back home with me. I can't handle her anymore. She is barely walking and required much more help than I can give. She was angry and said that she paid for the addition and she wanted to go back to it. I showed her on paper that had she been living in the independent senior living this past four and a half years she would have spent $57,000 more than the $80,000 so we actually saved her money by allowing her to be at our house. In addition, the added on room has probably hurt the value of her house more than helped because we lost our nice three car garage.

She has been in the assisted living for almost two weeks. I worked very hard to move her things and make it beautiful for her. It is a very nice place. Now she won't even try to walk so I got her a power wheelchair (scooter type). She calls me 5+ times per day, I visit her almost every day. Every time I visit I leave with a long list of things she needs me to bring back the next time. My husband is frustrated with how often I am visiting and how much she calls me. I feel that she needs a lot of help with the transition and then hopefully things will settle down.

My question is - how long does it usually take people to adjust to assisted living (I know it varies greatly but wondered if there was any common pattern) and should i visit less to help her adjust (am I just making it worse by being so attentive?)

Thanks for letting me vent. I also offered to pay her back for the cost of the addition but I actually don't think that that is fair to me and my husband because we didn't want to add on to the house - it was just for her.

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This is a hard one and I certainly effed up. I had major surgery last March. The game plan was that mom would stay there for about six weeks while I recouped. Thought it would be better than having to train various live ins. Was hoping that she would be happy with being around others and eating the gourmet type meals in the dining room, activities. Was hoping she would see that this would be better permanently for her. She lasted three weeks after my surgery. She called (because I was stupid and got her a jitter bug phone) crying, carrying on. How could I recoup properly with mom in crisis mode half the time she was there building me because she felt I was kicking he r out of her house. So I called agency for live ins and went and got her. Big mistake in I've been paying for since. She didn't like the live ins and her dementia made her think they were here for me. So to the person who posted this DO NOT do anything I did and listen to the wise people on this forum. Do not give into the "crisis" calls and don't visit too much. (I made that mistake too even though I had surgery). My mom should still be where she was, not here.
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ba8alou- I just read to of your answers. You really hit the nail on the head for me. When I arrived at my mom's new place after driving in traffic and realizing that she only had a tiny salad the whole day and thought I was totally going to lose it wasn't about that, it's that I miss my mom. I miss her sooo much. Who is this lady I am visiting? Where did my mom go? I have so many things I need to talk to her about. I want her love and advice. Most of the time she forgets to put her hearing aids in, 'I hate those darn things, they've never worked'. Oh I wish for one good conversation with her.
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Hi dtrin. Well, here it is 4:00 in the morning. My mom just moved into AL two weeks ago. I visit every day after work and every day the first half hour is spent battling over her not getting out of her place to eat and meet people in the dining room. If it was up to her, she would be served in bed 3 times a day! Unless someone from the family is there, she'll just get something small out of the fridge. I'm going to talk to the AL director tomorrow. So it's been 2 rough weeks, my mom keeps saying to give her time. I'm really having a hard time being a good employee and I feel like the worst wife ever. Good luck and keep us posted. I hope it gets better for all of us! It's not for a lack of trying!
And for those that say stay away, what if mom doesn't eat? Thanks for your help. Exhausted.
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She will never adjust if you keep going every day. We had to pull back to once a week in order to get mom to focus on her new friends. We also left as soon as the anger surfaced, even if it popped up in half an hour. When my sister moves to a new place, we stay away for two weeks so she can settle in. I ignore excess phone calls, just don't answer. It sounds mean, but it is what is best for both of you. If she calls and says she is in agony, have the staff check on her, do not take the call. Let go.
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Your mom is running you ragged and you're letting her do it because of your own guilt (that she's put in your head). You've tried your best for your mom, but your mom isn't doing her share of compromising and according to both you and the staff at two facilities, your mom isn't trying. So it's time to back off and let your mom find her own way. You've tried to help and she's expecting you to make her whole and happy again. You don't have that power.

Visit her once or twice a week for 30-45 minutes. Talk to her once a day or every other day. Limit your availability to her and she'll have to find other ways to cope and get what she wants. Hang in there and come here to vent when you need to. You're a wonderful daughter who has tried mightily to help your mom, but there's just no satisfying her - so quit trying!
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In my opinion, it would take an elderly person longer than 2 weeks to really settle in but not too much longer. You can help her get acclimated by not being so available to her. Yes, I think should visit less and allow her to adjust.
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I went through almost the same thing three years ago. First thing, if you can, have her phone disconnected. Second, cut back on your visiting. Those two things are preventing your mother from blending in and making friends.

If you cannot get the phone disconnected, answer the first phone call and then do not pick up any other phone calls. If there is an emergency, AL staff will call you.

I only visit my mother two days a week, and do not spend too much time there. Usually, it is just to drop off things or to check on what she needs. I sit and visit, but mother no longer can carry on a conversation. I make sure to visit during the daytime and on the weekends. That way I can check with different staff members to make sure my mother is doing OK.

It will take about three months for you to feel at ease and to let go of your self-imposed guilt. Once you cut back your mother will adjust quickly.
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I would sprain my ankle and be ordered to bed for at least two weeks by the doctor. I would talk to the sw at AL and explain that she is having difficulty settling in. That you are available for a true emergency but that she needs to let the staff do their jobs, not you.
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