Here is the progression of my moms deterioration and my caregiving:
2010 - at age 79 she had hip replacement and didn't recover well. She was living in a large house in California (I am in Dallas). My brother and I moved her to Texas to be closer to me because I was flying out to help her so much and she had no other family in California. The plan was to have her live in a senior independent living. When she got to Texas she announced that she wouldn't move into the independent living but wanted to live with us. We already had my mother in law and father in law living with us at the time. Reluctantly we agreed but in order for her to have a place to live we had to add on to the house. We turned our three car garage into an apartment and she moved in. She paid for it - $80,000.
2014 - She is incontinent of urine and stool, she has fallen 7 times in the last six months and the fire department has had to come pick her up off the floor. (We weren't there when it happened). She can't manage her toileting and I had to get her a diaper pail to help with the odor. Her room is right next to the kitchen and the smell from her room has started coming in the house. (I insisted she hire a cleaning service to help her with her bathroom and she had them for a couple of months and then fired them because she is very frugal and didn't want to spend the money). She requires help with transfers, needs to be assisted to get into bed, can't get up to prepare meals or do much of anything. She sits in her recliner all day and can hardly walk. In addition she is difficult. She orders me around, doesn't say please or thank you, is critical of my three children (ages 12, 13 and 16). She has a long list of things she needs me to do for her each day. I have the three children and my husband and I own a busy company...
NOW - it took me four hours to get her into the car and to and from a doctors appointment a month ago (transferring, the appt, and back home). The doctor recommended inpatient physical therapy because she has had home care therapy since March and doesn't seem to be improving. She went to the inpatient facility for two weeks. She didn't really have improvement because according to the therapy staff she didn't try and refused to do things.
When planning her discharge I told her that she couldn't come back home with me. I can't handle her anymore. She is barely walking and required much more help than I can give. She was angry and said that she paid for the addition and she wanted to go back to it. I showed her on paper that had she been living in the independent senior living this past four and a half years she would have spent $57,000 more than the $80,000 so we actually saved her money by allowing her to be at our house. In addition, the added on room has probably hurt the value of her house more than helped because we lost our nice three car garage.
She has been in the assisted living for almost two weeks. I worked very hard to move her things and make it beautiful for her. It is a very nice place. Now she won't even try to walk so I got her a power wheelchair (scooter type). She calls me 5+ times per day, I visit her almost every day. Every time I visit I leave with a long list of things she needs me to bring back the next time. My husband is frustrated with how often I am visiting and how much she calls me. I feel that she needs a lot of help with the transition and then hopefully things will settle down.
My question is - how long does it usually take people to adjust to assisted living (I know it varies greatly but wondered if there was any common pattern) and should i visit less to help her adjust (am I just making it worse by being so attentive?)
Thanks for letting me vent. I also offered to pay her back for the cost of the addition but I actually don't think that that is fair to me and my husband because we didn't want to add on to the house - it was just for her.