Can I just vent? How long do I have to go on like this?

Follow
Share

Hi. I know there are no answers and I'm probably wrong to even vent; but, geez, I'm exhausted taking care of someone who leeches off of everyone around him. My dad is 76 and basically threw himself, e.g. finances, mortgage, problems, everything on his children, okay, since I was 11 (I'm now 43) but gave up on life since he was 56. He had no money coming in, lived off of credit cards, filed bankruptcy and basically threw himself on all his children. In total, we gave him $2200/mo to which we have no idea where the money has gone. All of the children are no longer speaking with each other because we all hate the way the other deals with dad. He's a leech and has paid zip for his life. We've paid for his apt. I paid for his car/insurance. He takes in $900 from pensions and social security and still occasionally asks for more. I've laid down the limits. Now, he's losing his apt because the owner says they want to sell it. I offered to have him move back with me temporarily. He lived with me for 5 years in the past. I'm very hesitant to go this route again, but he's very limited in options. He doesn't have any credit, still owes people money, ditches paying anyone. Basically hides his whole life on being responsible for anything. He has 7 kids. Was thinking about turning my garage into a living space so he can stay there, but man! My conscience says no. His response was: "que sera sera". Aggravated me. There will be nothing that comes out of this. I helped upkeep a my parents old house (I was the property manager but took out my own money to pay to clean, change the appliances, even return security deposit when my brother who took the security deposit didn't have it and contributed $200/mo to help support the existing mortgage on the house - my dad took out several mortgages on it). Then, my brother who sold it got more than what he asked, probably netted $38-40k, took the money and ran. Pretty much a slam dunk, in your face move that said, hey the $38-40k covers my pain for having to shoulder the house and pay taxes on it at the end of the year. So, you see, there is nothing in this for me to keep up this caregiving of my dad. He doesn't deserve it, but my conscience keeps telling me to help and I know it's the right thing to do; but, for how long?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
8

Answers

Show:
HE'S going to be hard to change?? Not at all! He'll change when his seven children do. Really, that statement is very amusing.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Get him on a low income senior living waiting list TODAY. Most have lengthy waiting lists , so do it as soon as possible. Then its on him. he qualifies for food stamps etc so let him figure it out ( with maybe a little HELP from you ). If you don't, you could be in store for some long hard years ahead.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This is my advice to you - contact the Renton Housing Authority or the King County Housing Authority. With him bringing in less than 12K per year, he should qualify for a section 8 housing voucher or some sort of subsidized senior apt. Yes, you may have to do the legwork and deposit yourself, But you can do tough love, get him settled where he can afford it and let him adapt.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Kelly00000 - this is not your problem to solve, your father is an adult, he has not been declared competent - it is his life. You do NOT have to give him money, provide a place for him to stay, find him another place to stay, anything. Protect yourself. Would you do this to your children? Say "no", "I cannot do that" and do not enable him. He will probably surprise you with how well he can figure it out.

I hope your siblings will also say "NO". One of my co-workers has a brother (in and out of addictions, jail, etc) who will mooch money because he has kids to take care of. My co-worker finally said "NO" to any and all requests for money but the other 3 siblings can't say "NO" because they get suckered in for the kids and are mad at my co-worker for saying no. They feel this means they have to pay more. Good luck - stories like yours really bug me (on your behalf). A father should not be scamming his own kids for his lazy life. Rant over :)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sorry, I re-read my post. Yes, I enable too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think your father needs to find his own way to sleep in the bed he has made for himself. I can tell that he has used up all his children's good will and respect. He shouldn't expect his children to have to climb into the bed with him. You can help him locate a place that he can afford and maybe apply for subsidized housing. The rest will be up to him. It is sad that some people use their children like this.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you, Angel! I think I've enabled him in the past and I think my siblings enable him today. I am leaning more towards finding alternatives, not my garage, at the moment. At 76, he's going to be hard to change. He's been this way all his life. Depending on your religion (and no I don't mean Hell), one just has to believe that he is going to have to answer to his deeds in life when he passes, which, to be honest, has been longer than we all anticipated. I feel so guilty writing this, but it hasn't been great
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This may sound harsh but you are enabling him. Re read your post as if your best friend had written it about her father. What would your advice to her be?

No is a complete sentence, you have no obligation to care for him. As a matter of fact I think you and your siblings were already INCREDIBLY generous with him and his thankless attitude and lack of desire to help himself would have pushed me to stop this a while ago.

You and your siblings need to think about your future and save for your retirement. You have already done enough (but I suspect you already know that). You really need to find the courage to just say no...

Angel
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions