How long can this go on?

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Dad's memory is horrible. He takes his medicine 1/2 the time (thyroid & a acid reducer) and isn't eating well. I make him sandwiches and a roast with veggies and buy snack food for him. He eats the sandwiches, forgets the roast is there and snacks on mostly meats (Costco chicken, hot dogs, salami, etc). Of course, he has his 12 pk of light beer every day. He'd rather fill up on beer than eat. He is sleeping more during the day but that could be because he takes a sleeping pill at night. He shuffles his feet when walking and talks about dying all day long. My husband and I are exhausted dealing with him and his properties. We have been repairing a mobile home on his property (rental) every weekend for the past 4 months. He cannot remember how to do repairs; he used to build houses doing it all himself (plumbing, electrical, construction, etc). How long can he last this way? I feel guilty that I want this over. He is very stubborn and doesn't want any help except from us. No hired help (no lawn guys, no cleaning lady). I'm so tired.

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Hi Jenny, if you aren't careful, your dad's problems will progress too far without supervision without your knowledge. I thought mom was doing fine, but she was refinancing her home because of getting into trouble with credit cards. The doctor had prescribed her several strong medications, and I don't think she was keeping tract of when she was taking it. When I noticed how sleepy she was, even on the weekends when she visiting us and how disoriented she seemed when she woke up (not knowing If it were morning or evening), I knew something was wrong. Her fall at our house and breaking her hip told me I should have done something sooner than I did. So, the doctor shared some of the anger she directed at me about not driving, having to sell her car and house, etc. While she was recuperating, I asked where her monthly bills were. She did have them together and easy to follow. I realized then that I should have been giving her some help with her finances, too. Our house was too small for her, so we found an AL place about 5 minutes from us.

I fixed her meds in a tray every week. There was nothing wrong with her mentally. She was just sick, tired, and ready to go "Home." They called me to the AL once saying they thought she had had a stroke and was acting "out of it." I got there as quickly as I could. She was slurring her words and telling her friends that she was not going to the ER! I hugged her and asked her what was wrong. She said she didn't know, but she would be OK. I looked into her eyes, and her pupils were little pin points. I asked her if she remembered taking her medicine and if she were sure she took the right ones. She said she wasn't sure, but she thought she did. I told all of them that she had taken her morning or night medicine, but I was going to take her to the ER just to be sure. She was going to refuse to go with me, so I got out my phone and said it's with me or the ambulance. She was so angry with me, but she went with me. I told the ER doctor to take a urine an blood test, and he would see what the problem was. After hours of her lying there and our teleconferencing with a neurologist, the ER doctor said it looked as if Dr. Daughter were right. They kept her overnight anyway, for observation. That was when I started ordering her meds from the pharmacy that delivered to the AL. The meds were in sealed packages and marked AM, Noon, and PM. Eventually, she had to have assistance with bathing and getting dressed. As I said, my mom didn't have any mental loss; she was just obstinate and physically declining.. Your dad already is declining mentally and is only going to get worse.

Your dad reminds me of my stubborn husband about getting someone to mow the yard and doing things we can't do any more. He's 88, and I am pushing 70. We just can get out in the heat and do things like we used to do. So, I just went to the neighbor and told her to tell the young man who cuts her yard to not even ask, but to go ahead and mow our yard also. I would pay him personally, and not to listen to the man of the house! It gets to the point that you have to do some things like that or your yard would never get mowed and house would never get cleaned. (I am working on decluttering so that I can have some professional help in the house now!) So, remember he is not going to make a reasonable decision, and you go ahead and make the best one for him. If he gets angry, smile and say you were tired of seeing the tall grass.

You really have a lot on your plate and a lot to learn. I think I speak for everyone here in saying that you have found a world of support and suggestions to help you. So, keep on leaning on us. You will find that others have been down that road before, and you will make it, too. All my best to you.
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Sorry, I see you are frustrated, that's why you posted after all. ((hugs))
Lose the car keys, disable the car, if you want to get really tough love report him to the police. What he really needs is to be admitted to detox, I'm afraid just cutting him off could cause DT's. And as Baba said, contact the doctor.
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Not like me but to me...........sigh!
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Janny it sounds like me that you are rewarding bad behavior. This is not a criticism but just an observation. Maybe you need to slowly cut back on the help you are giving him. I know it will be hard cause you worry but sometimes tough love is the only way. As others have said eventually he will hurt himself or someone else, especially if he drinks as much as you say he does.
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Janny, do you go with him to doctor? Write the doctor a letter outlining what you've told us. Send it certified mail. Take a copy to the next appointment.

Ask the doctor what the best way for dad to get help, as you and husband will be moving away in a week.
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No I never said he has Alz. Yes, I'm waiting for him to run over a little kid. That's my goal.
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I have to agree, his main problem is the beer. A 12 pack a day, every day? Seriously? "Lite" beer is still alcohol, I don't doubt he has enough permanently in his system that he is impaired when he drives to the store, and you say he has alzheimer's too. Are you waiting for him to run over a little kid before you get him off the road?
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Babalou, your summary is spot on! I would carry a video-sound-recording device with me when you, Janny, have those "conversations-agreements" with dad, and play it back for him, showing he did agree to ??? and ))) and that is what is going to be!

Don´t allow yourself to be thrown under the bus by your own dad.

That is what he is doing. No fair for hubby. No fair for you to allow it.

It is not UP TO YOU to fix his problems. He has managed to create them, specifically speaking: overdrinking.

What is going to happen when he goes to the NH and he has alcoholic withdrawals???? He is going to go insane. Not your fault.

Buying the beer makes you an enabler. Letting him drive to go buy it? Same thing.

If APS gets involved, investigates, and gets to find out you are part of this destructive equation..........I am not sure into how much trouble you could get.

Tough Love is needed. Quick!

M 8 8
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12 pack of beer a day. No memory and drives himself to the store. You go EVERY WEEKEND to repair his property?

What advice would you give someone elso who reported those facts to you?

I'd call APS and report him as a vulnerable adult.
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Hi everyone. Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate your comments. It is just so stressful dealing with someone who has no memory. One day he will agree on something and I think. "Great..he's going to go along with ....what ever ". Then later, be it a minute, hour or day he doesnt remember and I have to go thru it all again. It's so depressing because he drinks and just talks about who died. He doesnt even get that right. He drives in the morning to get his beer. If we are there and going to the store we buy it. It keeps him home. I've struggled with whether to buy it or not but since he'll just go himself I do. We will continue to help one day at a time till something changes.
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