I am the oldest, in my 70's and had the POA and health care POAs for both parents initially.

My youngest brother, with years of alcohol and drug abuse problems, finally got his life somewhat together, and was the hero of the final year my dad was alive. I think he felt that his parents stuck with him through all that so he owed them. I stayed with the parents during the day and youngest brother at night, until Dad became too sick to be at home; then they decided on AL with hospice coming in as well. Brother did a great job and has tons of patience. I was finally able to get him to take the HC POA for my mother, who's now in memory care. He sees her almost every day since the family business is in the same town as her memory care. She thinks he's "dad."

One of my sisters has serious health issues. So she could not help except to make phone calls, which she did. But that always led to "you could do this or that..." Easy to say when you don't have to follow through.

Other younger sister co-ran the family business with caretaker brother. She took over the POA and bill paying for the parents, along with running their business. Since according to their will, she and my brother will get all the business assets worth about $700K (which is the entire estate,) I figured she should do the financial legwork, not me.

My other brother lived too far away to be on duty, and he also had to work full time into his late 60's. So no help there.

I think everyone did what they could realistically but the heavy lifting was on me and my brother.
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Reply to BBS2019

when my dad was dying my mom asked me and my brother T to ask our youngest brother to repay a loan for a golf club membership to my dad-this was an old loan and my dad was too respectful to ask but my mom said -it’s not so much the loan -it’s that he goes on vacations w his family, has season NHL hockey tix etc and in 7 years has never asked your dad to play golf at the club that your dad paid for. She was upset and my bro is such a user -
he had my parents driving his kids to early and late practices because they lived close and thought nothing of asking them to babysit his four kids while they went to dinners at the club, hockey games etc
just a selfish person
but I said I didn’t feel right being the one to ask him to pay back the loan as I wasn’t even supposed to know about it-
long story short- my dad died and my bro never paid back the $
infact he became POA if my mom and had her Visa , debit and checkbook in his care, he fired her private nurse and lied and said she quit
it goes on and on
i have two other brothers who would never stand up to him and when I called him out for giving 4000 to his family at Christmas from grandma (he gave 1000 to each grandchild from her)
He said the lawyer told him to ( BS) I called the lawyer and asked him not to tell my bro I called-only to get a email from my bro saying if I have any questions go through him
so now feel so done w my family
there is so much more ,but just done
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Reply to LuluRoxy

My brothers had nothing to do with my Moms care. I think it was always a given in everyones mind that I would be the Caregiver. First because I live in the same town and second because I am the oldest and a girl. They never interfered with my decisions. I was lucky in that respect. My one brother does live in the South, a days trip. The other, somewhere in the wind. One is married so I keep in touch with her. I don't think either will go out of their way to come visit. Being the oldest by 7 and 11 years, don't think I will be making that 8hr trip to NC too often either. I am 70 and not eager to do long driving anymore.
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Reply to JoAnn29

The relationship I have with my only sibling has gotten way, way, way worse. I do not believe our parents needs with aging and illness created the issues though. I believe the issues were already present. Odd how that happens.
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Reply to GingerMay

My dad will be passing away soon on hospice. Honestly, dealing with a sibling has been much more difficult than dealing with a dying father. I’m having to intentionally focus my attention and energies on my dad and ignore a whole lot from sibling. I know I won’t change him, it’s fruitless to get mad over it, and takes away from caring for dad. I do wonder what the relationship will look like when this is over
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Reply to Daughterof1930

Mine have gone south as well. My sisters do nothing but want to make sure they get their fair share when my mom dies, she has dementia. Granted my mom was narcissistic growing up, my thoughts are to be the better person, while my sisters constantly complain I should never have gotten POA. Both of my sisters have not seen my mom in 25 years, but they treat me with so much disrespect, calling me weak, a brown noser, because I still kept in touch with her and I'm looking after her, (she now lives in a home not too far from me). I got tired of the name calling and accusing me of wrong doing with the cash, because we are using the sale of my mom's home to pay for private care, I still work full time, too young for SS. So I got smart, I let my mom have all her favorite pieces of costume jewerly so she can dress up in her home, (she either loses items or throws them in trash) then took all the real jewerly and put it in a safe deposit box. I downsized my mom from a 3 bedroom home, did the packing, all on unpaid leave from my job, moved her across state. If you think I'm going to let my siblings get the best of me, NO! I also sold the left over furniture and placed the funds in a separate account. My sisters get equal shares of the savings and house, or what is left after she passes but personal items I'm keeping. I will not be verbally abused by family members for trying to do the right thing.
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Reply to SusanU13

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