How has caregiving changed your views of life and aging?

I think we all need a clone of ourselves. Lol. I've posted this before , but this has made me realize and my husband that we will never live with our daughter , when we are older. It's hard not to get depressed or bitter or scared. Of course, the sense of obligation defines my life. The transition from daughter to care giver. Always trying to be respectful. Doing what ever I can to not lose it , when asked the same question 5 times in an hour. It took us 10 years and many procedures to have my daughter. Those were scarey times too. But I had more hope then. Maybe because I was younger. 10 years of infertility is nothing compare to this. Hope we all have a good night

For me, it is the huge cost of becoming older. Good grief, the price of a Independent Care, Assisted Living/Memory Care, and the cost of a nursing home... I was a deer in headlights. No one prepared me for this. Thank goodness my parents were very fugal their whole lives, being the children of the Great Depression. They saved for those rainy days, and it was pouring now.

My Mom's skilled nursing home in my area was $12k per month, and Dad had around the clock caregivers from an Agency and that was $20k per month as he was fall risk. After a couple of months and when my Mom [98] had passed, Dad [95] decided to move to Independent Living, where the cost was $6k per month, which seemed like a bargain. And thus the savings wasn't draining out big time.

It scared me. I was looking at my portfolio and was wondering how long would my money last. I have no children or siblings, so I need to be prepared to do this on my own. Chances are I won't reach the age of my parents, because helping them over the past 7 years put a lot of age decline on me, and my health.

My sig other is terrible at caregiving, so I would need to hire caregivers for myself, or move to where my Dad had lived. The place was really nice, so that gives me hope that I could be comfortable in my twilight years.

I threw away my bucket list, as I have zero desire to travel now. I need to hold onto my savings !!  My Dad passed last Sept and I am still in that rut. I have no energy at all in the afternoons and evenings. And I don't like being more than a hour away from my doctors.... now I understand what my late mother-in-law meant when she said that.

And I resent the fact that my parents had 25+ years of a fun filled exciting retirement. They never had to take care of their parents, so they had zero idea the mega stress I was going through :(

This may seem totally random. I never got along with my mother in law or father in law. Too much detail to entirely explain. Basically they didn't like me because I came from a different religion and would not convert to theirs. Their son and I have been very happily married for over 30 years. Ok so they at some point , realize it's going to last. I thought they were cult like. He was a minister. She a teacher. In their church school. So he died a few years ago. She has Been a role model to me now. She lives in a community of older people of her faith. She has no desire to move near us or her daughter , because she's happy where she is. Involved in daily activities. Involved in her church. She s 85. She still tutors math to kids in the school . What this has taught me , is I need to find a hobby , activity , something other than tv to occupy myself when I am older. I want my life to like my Mil 's. Not my mothers. Who sits her watching tv 14 hours a day.

Alifay,
You summed it up pretty well. I cannot imagine if Mom lived to be 102. I think I would definately be certifiably insane since I have only been doing this for about 5 years. I also became a caregiver, gave up my profession so I could care for Mom as a professional without her spending 30 an hour (that's what my agency bills me out at) not that I see anything close to that in my paycheck! This has truly changed my outlook on growing old. I pray to God to take me before I have to depend on anyone to care for me. I decided against children, probably had something to do with my totally dysfunctional childhood and not wanting to roll those dice. I still don't speak to my brothers. Not to sound morbid but I am not afraid to die, I see it as a release from the never ending list of responsibilities and battles that seems to be my life. We both share lack of patience, another never ending battle with myself on that score. My husband and I never got a honeymoon, no vacations for us, we also were going to move out of state because California is ridiculous from a cost of living standpoint among other issues, but then, Mom's mental and physical health started going. She wanted me to care for her. Not surprising since my brothers are worthless. Life on hold. For how long? Who knows. I am glad I can help make the end of her life as pleasant as possible but the price has been my freedom, my outlook on growing old, my sanity at times, my career, my marriage in limbo, social security won't be squat, sooooo, afraid to die? Not me. Please don't let me end up like her or others I have had experience caring for. Mom never had to care for her Mom since she was in another state so she has no idea what it's like watching your own parent become completely dependent on you. Glad I decided against children, I would never want to put this on any child of mine. I go through emotional ups and downs, try to keep a good sense of humor even though I see the world going down the toilet and my own health problems starting to rear their ugly heads. As Freqflyer put so well, it takes a huge toll on your own health and energy to want to do anything, I can get wiped out just going to the grocery store or doing daily chores. I keep hoping it's part of going through "the change of life" and I will bounce back a bit after it's finally done. My heart is filled with empathy for all of you going through this difficult time and all the emotional, physical and financial toll it takes just trying to step up and do the right thing. It would be so much nicer if we had siblings that would share in the responsibilties but the more I read peoples stories, it is definitely uncommon. Then, there they are with hands extended wanting their "fair share" of the parents money, possessions, etc. This just adds to the stress and nightmare of the sacrifice we chose to make for the well being of our parent/s, accusing us of ulterior motives. Who and the heck would willingly want this to be their life? Sorry for the long rant, guess I am in a mood tonight.

So, looking at the recent comments...how do we (primarily ladies) see our retirement years, as opposed to how our parents and grandparents spent them? This involves finances and the economy (and our ability to save for our own retirement), the ability to take care of our own selves and our health, the health care system itself, etc. My opinion is that retirement of the future will not be what it has been for the past several decades, at least not for the middle class/working class.

Upstream,
You are right about that! The cost of living, the cost of real estate, heck, just a trip to the grocery store is easily 100 bucks when you didn't seem to get a whole lot of food! It's gotten way out of hand.

Hi upstream. By pure chance , my x next store neighbor used to work for a major insurance company. We purchased long term policies when I was 41 and my husband 46. I thought it was crazy at the time , but I'm sure glad we have it now. It's not as good as my mothers. My husband and I will have to split 8 years. I think that's one way to prepare for retirement and future care.

I've enjoyed reading all the posts, and it gives me great comfort to know others like myself are facing the same sort of dilemmas caring for a family member, and I'm not alone. Not that I'm HAPPY that you're going through such difficult times, just that there are others who completely understand the emotional effects this kind of work has on a person. I think it takes a special breed of person to be a caregiver, and I thank you all for sharing your thoughts!!

Alifay55. Well said. Exactly how I feel

Unfortunately no one can predict the future. My husband is 81,with Parkinson's and dementia. I roll him around in a wheelchair and wipe his bum. My mother died last month at the age of 93. She lived alone, practiced yoga, drove, grocery shopped and cooked a pot of stew two days before she dropped dead. They say she was dead before she hit the ground. I don't see myself with that great an old age because caregiving is taking it out of me, but one can hope.

No Jazzy2, no one can predict the future. I posted here about 6 months ago and my old boyfriend called me and we are back together again (for now anyway). He drives 2 hours to see me and he really likes my Mom which is important to me.

I had rescued my Mom from my older brother who abused her, put her house up for sale which sold and moved her to the state where I live. Brother had to move out and then he died. Karma? I don't know.

What I do know is that I do not want to get old. I never had children (my choice) for personal reasons so there is no one to take care of me and I don't think I would want anyone taking care of me if I couldn't take care of myself. That is not living. My Mom just passes the time waiting, waiting, waiting... And the scary part is I understand...

Dear Jazzy,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your mother. I'm sorry to hear about the toll caregiving is taking on you. Have you considered respite care? Or assisted living? I know its easy.

Dear Jenna,

Me, too. I don't have any kids to take care of me when I am old. I hope my niece or nephew will take pity on me and show me some compassion but who knows. Since my dad passed, I am more afraid of growing too old. Having health problems and becoming dependant on anyone to care for me. I know I cannot control the future, but I do worry about it.

My sentiments exactly.

I agree it's been a real eye opener! 

Caregiving has made me much sterner than I ever was. I recognize the futility of repeating myself or explaining the same things over and over. I am more patient in some ways and less patient in others. I look at the big picture and do not sweat the small stuff. I "see" manipulation coming a mile away and shut that down immediately. I manage expectations clearly and communicate proactively. If feelings are hurt or feathers ruffled, too bad. I live in the present and accept reality regardless of how harsh it may be. Sometimes I feel like a shrew.

NYDaughter,
Amazing to me what you wrote. I can relate to pretty much all of it, things we never imagined for ourselves, people we would become under circumstances put upon us. Watching the ugliness re surface from a life long dysfunctional family. I never thought I would end up sacrificing my world because my other siblings would not do the right thing.

I care for my wounderful 84yr mother we share a house together and mostly it works there are days that she forgets I live there to and moves the furniture and does other things, we have to learn to be understanding and remember they did not ask us to care for them , and my parents looked after me when I have been very ill in hospital after many operations, they never complained and I feel that we I should try to do it in return. No one asked me, my belief says God never gives you more than you can handle, and I no that's true as I am disabled and mum never asked me to help.

I cared for our mother for nine years. Until momma passed March of 2016. This was not hard to do. Mom had sleepless nights. But I cared for momma with tender loving care. Yes I did get tires. But that was our mother. What else was I expected to do.

NYDaughter I am getting to where your are. Its hard.
Rainy! Ugly resurface?? Its over and over you'd think I'd get used to it.
Jersey, lol I walk around in circles sometimes looking for something I should have know not to leave around until I realize to leave it alone, I may see it again or maybe not. Its not funny but it is funny!*&%#
Babycakes, Your name caught my attention. I named a little kid that about 10 years ago. he was the sweetest little boy and I kinda got attached to him. Your sentinment is the bottom line of my existence and relationship with my mother. I love her, she can pee on me, I wont like it but I will take it (raise my pressure).

You know its sad to say, we have a tumultuous relationship. I try not to remember the nasty. I feel guilty about my feelings sometimes, and the reality hurts. I still live it. I still get it. Its sad to say Its a lot better when she is less lucid because the more lucid she is the more spite, ugly or traces of her game and manipulation shows. Its amazing that her least discomfort is my fault is one way or another.
I love her, she is my mother and I will continue to honor her. I have to just accept she will never appreciate me as a daughter. MY sister spends $10 and its biggest thing ever. I mop, clean her messes, spills, burst sodas in freezer, gook in fridge, surprises surprises, fix shed, fix locks, pest control you name it and her motto is I "aint "never did anything for her. Anyway I will honor her. I just stay in prayer because its hits me hard sometimes and sometimes its like she's my baby.

DD,
Just reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes woman. I do understand your feelings as we are the ones who stepped up, we deal with all the day to day bs, our sibs who are uninvolved bring them some cheap trinket and they fall all over themselves like it was sooooo thoughtful and then they resume going back to their lives. We do all the gruntwork, make their lives as pleasant as we can, try to push down the old wounds and feelings that tend to resurface when things come up, it's hard sometimes. But......they are our Mother's, for better or worse, we clean up bodily fluids, do laundry, shop for em, taxi them, take to doctors, handle their finances, on and on. You have become the parent to your parent and it feels like they are the rebellious teenagers who don't want you telling them what they should or should not be doing. It feels like resentment instead of gratitude. Why do we constantly seek out our Mother's love and appreciation? Mom does tell me how grateful she is when I finish doing stuff for her but it goes in one ear and out another with me. I just smile and say "your welcome" but the ugliness that resurfaces with my badbro, could have all been avoided if she just stuck up for me and herself instead of keeping her mouth shut and allowing it all to happen. That is the hardest pill of all to swallow. Too late for that now.

My Mom lives with me, has for 6 years now. Her dementia is getting worse gradually and now I am at a point where it just makes me sad. I mean really sad. I do work full time so 2 of my brothers and my daughter come to my house everyday to spend time with her and make sure she takes her meds and eats, but the everyday stuff is all me. I used to get irritated and angry when I had to repeat answers over and over again and then my Grandaughter reminded me that she cannot help it. It was like a slap up side the head. Now I just get sad that she is not the lively fun loving Mom that I remember from earlier years. Most of her memories now are from her childhood and she speaks of missing her parents quite often. Now I just spend time with her and leave the arguing and frustration behind. We all only have one MOM so just Love her and do what you can. Hang in there !

How has caregiving changed your views on life & aging? I do not want to grow old.

Cargiving for my Mother has been a beautiful way for me to say thank you for being there for me and my makes the importance of being a nurturing caring loving parent myself greater. An understanding the nature of illnesses can be challenging to keep a positive mind when there family and giving back is the importance making there life easier. Feels like there my emature children and it makes me feel good.

Caregiving shows it daily that old age hits hard. My mother was a completely different person 10 even 5 years ago. Going to make the most of what I have.

This is an excellent topic. Caregiving definitely changes our lives. It used to be that families were closer and many times an aging relative would be kept in a house where a couple of generations were still living and there were many people to help. Not so today. It is definitely one of the hardest things many of us will ever do. It took a toll on my own health but I wouldn't change anything. I was able to have a good relationship with my father, which had been difficult earlier. It makes me think about my life and choices in it. It makes me question some things - even relationships. It makes me not want to burden anyone with my care. It makes me want to be healthier, but it is a difficult thing right now because of some depression associated with caregiving. It makes me want to simplify my life so no one will have to deal with my "stuff" later. It makes me think about giving away money before I die. It makes me aware of my own age and what the next few years may hold. Makes me appreciate what I do have and think about how I want those years to be. Makes me realize what is coming. I'm 70 - 10 years maybe? I think ok, figure out what is most important and don't take life for granted. If there is anything you want to do, you had better do it now.

Just now thinking - maybe a robot and self driving car would be nice - ha. Not in the budget.

Well said Patooski. It makes us realize life is short and if not now, when? Live life to the fullest while we can so we can look back and at least say we had one h*ll of a ride.

YES.
I am no longer afraid to die.
But I am afraid of dying badly.
I know now that I will not suffer, that I'll age in place and die at home. If I get to the point that I'm a daily burden to my spouse and kids, I have a Plan B.
I won't make my family suffer just so I can live to be 100. My plan is to live until 85 at most, then check out quietly 'in my sleep.' Unless I'm very ill at a younger age, that is.
Living long enough to be a burden is not living at all.
That's how caregiving has changed me. 🙂

Accepting the role of caregiver must be ones own personal choice as one does not owe their life to another no matter what. We both resent having my husbands father interrupting our lives for 10 years. That is 10 years of our lives forfeited to another person who lived his own life to the fullest and his daughter who feigned excuses for her share of caring until it came to estate then she demanded equal shares.
As you can see resent reigns so make your terms known do not just let guilt and "responsibility" rob you of your life. We both arranged to prevent ever having to place such a burden on our own children visit us yes but do not give up your lives and the lives of your children for ours

You are not alone! I agree, modern medicine is a curse if it prolongs the lives of sick, debilitated old people who I see everyday now that my mom has had to go to a nursing home because she is totally bedridden. Everyone who thinks they are going to live into their 80’s in perfect health because they eat organic and don’t drink and don’t smoke and excercise need to hang out everyday for a few hours an entire week and see if they want to live to endure what I see daily! Just because you live “right” doesn’t mean you won’t get dementia, RA and genetic malfunctions! I feel like you do most of the last 6 years.

I, too, have suffered the plight of being an elderly caregiver to an extremely elderly parent. I do not profess to have any of the answers to this difficult situation. Rather, I can only state my observation: This is the consequence of the extended lifespan some people experience as a result of the advances in health care and pharma care. Mankind was not meant to live this long! The mind wears out; the senses wear out; the body wears out--and yet some people just keep ticking. It's no picnic for them, nor is it pleasant for their children. I am soon to turn 70 years of age and live with multiple heath problems. I expect to follow along more like my father. He died at 72. I, do not expect to live to be anywhere near my mother's age (98 and counting). I am tired! My mother has put me through the wringer with her abusive and combative behavior. I know, I know, "This is not your mother; it's the dementia!". Do I not deserve to enjoy what remains of my life? Yes, I do. Does Mother deserve to have someone look after her? Yes, she does. What to do?? .......what to do!