How do you get over watching your Mom die?

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My mom had seizures in her brain in July of 2015. She was in a coma or vegative state and in the hospital 3weeks. I stayed with her and slept very very little and ate very little. I loved my mom more than she would ever know. Then we took her home thru hospice. It 5ook her three days to pass away. I slept for 6 hrs the whole 3 days. I passed out by her bed for that. I didn't want 5o be asleep when she left. Even though I told her she could go I didn't want her to. We lost my older brother several years ago to an accident and we had never been the same. Mom and dad had grieved so much. In that 3 weeks she hadn't spoke other than involuntary vocalizations, and hadn't moved her hands. She had opened her eyes as an involuntary nerve movement but didn't respond at all. In the last hour of so of her life I got up to go get a drink and have a quick smoke, but when I tried to let go of her hand she clasped mine. I thought it was my imagination but she did, she pulled me as if to say don't go. In the last minute of her life she muttered something . Over and over with her eyes open and set in a gaze toward the ceiling. Finally she said her last words. She said God, God, and she died. I am a 39 year old man with a wife and 3 kids. I had a job that I had for 11 years now it's gone. I can't remember anything anyone tells me or anything I watch on tv. I don't sleep much, and don't get hungry. My dad is a Vietnam vet and in early stages of dementia. We had to move him in with us. Now Christmas and Thanksgiving. I can't do it any more. I hide in my room and I can't be happy. I can't sit still and I can't relax. I'm ready to give up. To make the whole thing worse a good friend and Co worker named Derrick had his mom die a week before mine. We had been consoling each other. Then a few days after we buried mom he came into work and died. I was ask to pall bear at his funeral and I did. It hurt. I wanted to die too. Still do at times. I'm at the end of my rope. What do I do? How do I get over this? Mom died Sept 16. I'm still hurting as much as then. Thank you for listening. It helps to vent. And thanks for any advice.

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I never dreamed there would be such a good feeling here. I have been struggling to keep my faith and belief that God loves me. But somehow I feel he led me here. I feel loved and cared for. I feel like I am not alone. You all have given me good advice and I never turn a deaf ear to good advice. I made it through Thanksgiving but it was very hard to keep focused, I cried alot. My wife is getting irritated with me and my enotions. Her family is not close like mine. She said she wasn't gonna put up with it much longer. That didn't make the day any easier. Seems like a kick while I'm diwn. But I try to understand that she just doesn't get it. Her family cremate their people. Nothing wrong with that but then they have a party with an open bar. Loud music and food. Of course I've only seen one die since we met. Her grandfather. She dont understand why anybody would put them in a funeral home and look at them for 2 days.She actually said that. I'm country, a United Baptist and that's how we do it. Always have. She's from the city and raised without church. I love her and don't want my family to fall apart too. I've lost too much already. The prayer that was sent to me via private message was the most beautiful prayer I have heard. It made me cry. Thank you for that. Thank you for every comment and all the words of encouragement. This is a good thing and has helped me tremendously. I'd love to be able to talk on the phone with some of you. Your words are very uplifting and I can't get on here too much. But I'll keep checking in. I'll be here. And soon as I think I can help someone else I will. Sending a big ol bear hug to all of you. Keep living and praying for each other.
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If you can walk ,get out and walk 2 miles a day. it will help so much. Your brain is low on seritonin and this will increase it . Capture your negative thoughts and practice being grateful for all you have. If you are still struggling after a few weeks go to a free clinic and get on a low dose of an anti depressant . The generics are $10.00 a month. It will help and you can take them for a few months to kick start you. This is serious business.
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MM- you have suffered so much loss, your mom would be proud of you for reaching out and getting help. Prayers for you, her and your wife and kids.
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When a parent dies and especially the one you are closest too, they take a big part of your heart. My dad died of cancer in 2005 my mom of dementia in 2014. Even tho I knew they were no long suffering it tore me up to no end. Main thing is dont keep the pain bottled up, talk about it either with family or your preacher. Remember you mom would not want you to hurt this bad, love her and yourself enough to get help so you may enjoy life and your family. Praying helps. God be with you and give you comfort and the peace that you need.
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I was very, very close to my father and I'm still not over his death that happened eight years ago. I'm better, overall, but I still struggle with this loss. The Holidays are difficult. No doubt. Also, whenever I see a commercial on television of father walking a daughter down the aisle at her wedding, I still get teary-eyed because I'll never have this. All fathers want to see their daughters get married to a wonderful partner. I 100% agree with Cathberry. In my case, time doesn't heal all wounds - it just changes its dressings so I can handle the wound better. The wound doesn't burn as much as it previously did but the wound will always be there. If you have the opportunity to seek grief counseling, then you should and there is no shame in admitting you need some help to deal with a very painful loss. Like I said, I'm better, overall, but there was time that I couldn't function. I wasn't on any medications. I just didn't know how to deal with the loss of someone who was such a big influence on my life - but I didn't realize how much of impact he made on me until after he was gone and this was a part of my pain, part of my regret. Maybe you're not ready to seek help - and this is okay - you just go when it's right for you. I think you need to "feel" everything that you're feeling in order to process the loss; if you're feeling sad, then don't fight this and let yourself feel that wave of sadness over and over - and over; if you're feeling angry, then just let yourself feel that anger. Some of my pain is regret - in that I wished I would've said some things to my father before he expired. So, as I go about my day, if I have a moment of regret, then I actually talk it out, quietly to myself, as a way to heal this pain; for example, I never had the chance to tell him how much I loved him and how thankful I am for the sacrifice he made for our family. So, when I "feel" this regret, I quietly say "I love you Dad...Thank you for everything you did for us..." and by acknowledging this feeling I oddly feel somewhat connected to my father though I know he's no longer here with me, then I get teary-eyed for a little bit, then I feel a release and I can go about my day with no hang-ups.
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Cathberry, that was helpful, I am sure to so many.
My heart goes out this Thanksgiving to those who have lost a loved one and are spending their first holiday without that person.
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I was widowed when I was 34 years old. My late husband died from chronic alcoholism. It took me seven years to come to terms with his death. I learned a few things along the way.

Grief if called grief work because that is exactly what it IS--work--and work makes us tired. That means that we have to take and make time to rest.

Never let anyone tell you or suggest to you that you "should get over it". We never get over it. Time does NOT make it better but it DOES make it different.

I know that it is hard to believe now but one morning you will waken up and the person/people who have died will not be your first thought.

I worked as a Palliative Care Nurse and an Oncology nurse for many years. My advice to my patients and/or their families was what I found to be helpful for me.

"Talk about your loss/es until you bore your friends. Then talk about your loss/es until you bore yourself. THEN hopefully you can begin to heal." There is no timetable for grief. Each of us works at our own pace and in our own way. This is how we honour our loved ones and how we honour ourselves.

Stay in touch. Many of us really care about each other--and that means you too.
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MM - you are still young. Focus on yourself so your kids don't lose you. Consider quitting smoking because cigarettes make depression worse. I know that while you're smoking it feels good but you'll feel much better if you quit. Getting through those first three days without a cigarette is the hardest but then your mood will improve and your taste buds will awaken. When you feel the urge to smoke, drink a glass of water slowly and within a few minutes the urge to smoke will pass. Take all of this one day at a time. Christmas is still a long ways away but the first holidays without a loved one are the hardest. Simplify. Start a new tradition with your family. I wish you peace.
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Thank you all once again. I really am overwelmed at the response. Makes me all teary eyed to read some of your messages. For the most part yall are right. Maggie you have alot of good ideas and I'll be trying some of them. I am really trying. I got to get better. It just keeps hurting. And Maggie I know just where your at. I'm in Bowling Green, Warren County Ky. Midkid don't worry about that big strong man because you don't see him cry. Mine ain't seen it but maybe at the funeral. He prob does it in his car, or the bathroom, or wherever no one will know. I know that's how I handle it. Us big guys can get emotional. My Uncle is pastor at my church and my pappaw was a well known preacher. I was raised in church. Although I haven't been a as much since mom died. I'll get there. Long story. Singingway, wow I don't know if I've ever been that good to myself. Lol and I don't do lotion much. But hey maybe I'll give it a shot. It sounds fun. Sorry to be cracking jokes people just seemed funny seeing me lotioning up after a shower. Like I said I'm open minded. Maybe I need to take care of myself. I dont. I don't do Dr's, I just deal with it til it goes away. I put myself at the bottom of the list. Everyone comes before me. That's ok with me too. That's the way it should be. When your a man you have certain responsibility to take care of your loved ones. That's why it's driving me crazy with all this, I'm supposed to be strong and unwavering. I mean a year ago I would have never got on the Internet and put my life out there like this. But I got down so low I had to make a move before it consumed me. I really appreciate all the advice you all gave me. Such angels.
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Mmeredith, You are invited to visit the thread: "Love Notes From Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone".
Just enter it into the search bar above. It is for you.
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