I'm so exhausted. How can I get my mother into a facility?

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My mother has borderline personality disorder and narcissism. She refuses to go to a facility. My mother also hates home health coming in to help her. She wants me 24 hour a day. My only sibling lives in England by choice to get away from family, Now she has no remorse and thinks I am cruel by saying she should be more responsible. She says since I chose to live around family, then I should be the one to do this. I resent that so much. How do I get my mother to go to a facility? I feel I will die before she does. I take care of my dad's house in another town, he died in March of this year. My stepmother is in an Alzheimer's facility. My stepfather died 7 years ago. I have wrestled with all this for that long. I feel I have no life. And worse, my son stays at her house when I am at my dad's. I should not be expecting a 25 year old to have to stifle his life to help me. I am at my mother's 5 days a week, at my dad's for 2 (not enough time to try to sort his estate) and I work fulltime (3 nights a week, 12 hour nights). I don't even see my house, and I need to fix it up so that I can sell it. In fact, all three houses need major cleaning and repairs. I am not rich and cannot just hire people to do it all. I am so exhausted. How do I stop feeling this grudge against my sister, and how do I convince my mother to go to a facility?She has just begun dementia, and we have to hide her pills, and she leaves her George Foreman grill on alot. We don't let her drive. She goes to the neighbors, telling them no one stays at her house but one or two days a week, and doesn't "know who they are". In her case, I think she is "playing her cards" for sympathy. I know this sounds so similar to others, but we just have to get our own version out there, and hope someone listens to us. Thanks

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Wow - no doubt you're exhausted. Maybe you should 1st consider taking Family Medical Leave. Go to your doctors: sounds like you would qualify due to stress (for yourself) or Go to your mother's doctor and take FMLA to deal with her deterioration. Either way you're protected to get your job back and your insurance would be covered for the duration. The first day you're off - SLEEP get some rest. No one can think straight or formulate a plan when their tired. POA or guardianship should be looked into, as this is only going to get worse. Then take one issue at a time. The adult day care is also a great idea for starters that too will help buy you time.

As to your guilt about your son and your anger towards your sister: Some people are cut out for this sort of caring, others are not. IF your son is - terrific, he is being who he is. Talk to your son. Your guilt about what he is doing is optional. My son (24) also helps me take care of my mom. He likes doing it and is happy spending some time with her before she's gone. Your sister obviously is not that kind of person- terrific, SHE IS BEING WHO SHE IS. Yes, I know it makes it harder on you but you can't MAKE someone be a "care taker" - when you force people who don't have that skill to do that kind of work, that's when abuse happens. No one wants that! Your anger towards her is only hurting you - you can't afford to give your energy away like that.

Saying a prayer for you -
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ALL good advice!

When dealing with undiagnosed dementia and/or mental health issues, it becomes far harder to get Guardianship/POA. Especially if having to also deal with potentially dysfunctional relatives/siblings.

HOW does one do this with least amount of trouble, when the elder is resistant, and good at "show-timing" ?
IF there are siblings who may contest your getting these titles/responsibilities, then what?

Maybe, what many need, is some clear "recipe" for getting Guardianship/POA accomplished, when dealing with an elder in that condition?
What might that process look like?

Possibly, start with the free legal advice one can get thru the local Area Agency on Aging, and go from there? The volunteer elder law lawyers will either tell you what to do, or tell you where / how to find out.
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You sound exhausted. These are my thoughts. 1) get durable POA if you do not have it already. 2) Get your sister can help financially. (drop the grudge) 3) Your son is a resource. Don't feel you are stifling his life for him to give you help, obviously not 24/7. But he can do somethings, cleaning fixing up. 4) Put mother in adult day care to start, transitioning to a facility ( you can get some rest and a little distance) ) I hope this might help you from feeling so overwhelmed. Good luck, and take care of yourself.
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My mother also had dementia and a possible personality disorder (diagnoses were both compulsive personality disorder and hypomania). When it was clear that she could no longer live alone, I invited her to live with me and my family--but that only lasted 3 months before I realized that it was not the best situation for any of us. As I explain in my book "Inside the Dementia Epidemic: A Daughter's Memoir," I managed to convince my mother that she needed to live in an assisted living facility by writing her a long letter explaining the reasons, getting her doctor to talk to her, and asking 2 people she liked to go with her on tours of local assisted living facilities (so it was not just "my" idea). The letter helped her remember the reasons why it was a good idea, and helped her understand how taking care of her around the clock was affecting me and my family. Sometimes if you make it clear to a person with dementia how their behavior is affecting you, they may be willing to change the situation as much as they can. Mom read and reread that letter several times, then agreed that it was a good idea to visit the facilities. We let her choose which one she liked best. Through it all she was depressed and angry, but the move went OK and she had nearly 3 years in assisted living before she became incontinent and needed a higher level of care (a "memory care" assisted living facility, a kind of care I highly recommend). When she ran out of her modest savings she went on Medicaid and moved to a nursing home. But when I first tried to convince her to move to assisted living, I was ready to apply for guardianship if necessary. With early-stage dementia, Mom was incapable of making rational decisions. I wish you the very best with your Mom, and hope you find more support in person, such as a caregiver support group at your local Office for the Aging. Find your local OFA at this website: http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx
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Tell your sister to send monetary help since she isn't willing/able to be there physically. Then use that money to hire what you need done! Tell her, if she sends the money, you won't expect anything else and won't need to bother her with repeated requests for aid, etc! She might surprise you on this and actually cough up some dough, when she sees it as an "easy way out" for her -- and you'll have more help than you do now & help get rid of some of the negative feelings toward her.
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"live your life too" ^
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Dont take on the Stress of things.
U have life your life too.
Facility are there for people.
just check em out..and find a affordable one. okay. dont take on the Stress of things.
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dont blame a sister who wanted to care for her Mother.
You have to take care of her. she is your Mother. and needs someone to do so.if not
you then please admit her to a facility that does this...as umay not want the Stress of it all.
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My sister insisted on caring for my Mother, even over my protests. My sister wasn't well, and she died in Dec. Mother is alive and well. How I wish that my sister would have cuts ties with Mother. No one can take care of someone else, when they are sick themselves.

Mom finally fell and an ambulance was called and from there she went to the hospital, rehab, AL and then, NH.

Do not blame your sister. It is not your fault or responsibility, that your Mother did not plan for the future and make her own arrangements. I am not going to give advice, I am just going to tell you that your current schedule can affect your health.
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First, you have to get a POA, as you don't say you have one yet. Then move her to a secure location. You can sell a house "as is" and the buyer either accepts or doesn't. At 25 yrs. your son can help you out, just ask. Does he live rent free? As far as your sister living in England, go for a visit. It will do you a world of good, then you can tell her in person how angry you are at her, or you can act like an adult, forgive her, and move on with your own life. You don't have a life that is any harder than all of us on this site, and most of us just accept our responsibilities (or not) and get on with living. Your mother is not responsible for any of her actions, and you cannot take what she says personally as it is the disease talking. Just alert the neighbors she has a "condition" and unless they talk with you, do not believe everything she says. Take some time off work to finish your father's estate as well as getting some extra help. Most people (friends, son, church members, etc.) will volunteer to help, just ask. Good luck.
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