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My mother has borderline personality disorder and narcissism. She refuses to go to a facility. My mother also hates home health coming in to help her. She wants me 24 hour a day. My only sibling lives in England by choice to get away from family, Now she has no remorse and thinks I am cruel by saying she should be more responsible. She says since I chose to live around family, then I should be the one to do this. I resent that so much. How do I get my mother to go to a facility? I feel I will die before she does. I take care of my dad's house in another town, he died in March of this year. My stepmother is in an Alzheimer's facility. My stepfather died 7 years ago. I have wrestled with all this for that long. I feel I have no life. And worse, my son stays at her house when I am at my dad's. I should not be expecting a 25 year old to have to stifle his life to help me. I am at my mother's 5 days a week, at my dad's for 2 (not enough time to try to sort his estate) and I work fulltime (3 nights a week, 12 hour nights). I don't even see my house, and I need to fix it up so that I can sell it. In fact, all three houses need major cleaning and repairs. I am not rich and cannot just hire people to do it all. I am so exhausted. How do I stop feeling this grudge against my sister, and how do I convince my mother to go to a facility?She has just begun dementia, and we have to hide her pills, and she leaves her George Foreman grill on alot. We don't let her drive. She goes to the neighbors, telling them no one stays at her house but one or two days a week, and doesn't "know who they are". In her case, I think she is "playing her cards" for sympathy. I know this sounds so similar to others, but we just have to get our own version out there, and hope someone listens to us. Thanks

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Wow - no doubt you're exhausted. Maybe you should 1st consider taking Family Medical Leave. Go to your doctors: sounds like you would qualify due to stress (for yourself) or Go to your mother's doctor and take FMLA to deal with her deterioration. Either way you're protected to get your job back and your insurance would be covered for the duration. The first day you're off - SLEEP get some rest. No one can think straight or formulate a plan when their tired. POA or guardianship should be looked into, as this is only going to get worse. Then take one issue at a time. The adult day care is also a great idea for starters that too will help buy you time.

As to your guilt about your son and your anger towards your sister: Some people are cut out for this sort of caring, others are not. IF your son is - terrific, he is being who he is. Talk to your son. Your guilt about what he is doing is optional. My son (24) also helps me take care of my mom. He likes doing it and is happy spending some time with her before she's gone. Your sister obviously is not that kind of person- terrific, SHE IS BEING WHO SHE IS. Yes, I know it makes it harder on you but you can't MAKE someone be a "care taker" - when you force people who don't have that skill to do that kind of work, that's when abuse happens. No one wants that! Your anger towards her is only hurting you - you can't afford to give your energy away like that.

Saying a prayer for you -
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ALL good advice!

When dealing with undiagnosed dementia and/or mental health issues, it becomes far harder to get Guardianship/POA. Especially if having to also deal with potentially dysfunctional relatives/siblings.

HOW does one do this with least amount of trouble, when the elder is resistant, and good at "show-timing" ?
IF there are siblings who may contest your getting these titles/responsibilities, then what?

Maybe, what many need, is some clear "recipe" for getting Guardianship/POA accomplished, when dealing with an elder in that condition?
What might that process look like?

Possibly, start with the free legal advice one can get thru the local Area Agency on Aging, and go from there? The volunteer elder law lawyers will either tell you what to do, or tell you where / how to find out.
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You sound exhausted. These are my thoughts. 1) get durable POA if you do not have it already. 2) Get your sister can help financially. (drop the grudge) 3) Your son is a resource. Don't feel you are stifling his life for him to give you help, obviously not 24/7. But he can do somethings, cleaning fixing up. 4) Put mother in adult day care to start, transitioning to a facility ( you can get some rest and a little distance) ) I hope this might help you from feeling so overwhelmed. Good luck, and take care of yourself.
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My mother also had dementia and a possible personality disorder (diagnoses were both compulsive personality disorder and hypomania). When it was clear that she could no longer live alone, I invited her to live with me and my family--but that only lasted 3 months before I realized that it was not the best situation for any of us. As I explain in my book "Inside the Dementia Epidemic: A Daughter's Memoir," I managed to convince my mother that she needed to live in an assisted living facility by writing her a long letter explaining the reasons, getting her doctor to talk to her, and asking 2 people she liked to go with her on tours of local assisted living facilities (so it was not just "my" idea). The letter helped her remember the reasons why it was a good idea, and helped her understand how taking care of her around the clock was affecting me and my family. Sometimes if you make it clear to a person with dementia how their behavior is affecting you, they may be willing to change the situation as much as they can. Mom read and reread that letter several times, then agreed that it was a good idea to visit the facilities. We let her choose which one she liked best. Through it all she was depressed and angry, but the move went OK and she had nearly 3 years in assisted living before she became incontinent and needed a higher level of care (a "memory care" assisted living facility, a kind of care I highly recommend). When she ran out of her modest savings she went on Medicaid and moved to a nursing home. But when I first tried to convince her to move to assisted living, I was ready to apply for guardianship if necessary. With early-stage dementia, Mom was incapable of making rational decisions. I wish you the very best with your Mom, and hope you find more support in person, such as a caregiver support group at your local Office for the Aging. Find your local OFA at this website: http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx
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Tell your sister to send monetary help since she isn't willing/able to be there physically. Then use that money to hire what you need done! Tell her, if she sends the money, you won't expect anything else and won't need to bother her with repeated requests for aid, etc! She might surprise you on this and actually cough up some dough, when she sees it as an "easy way out" for her -- and you'll have more help than you do now & help get rid of some of the negative feelings toward her.
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"live your life too" ^
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Dont take on the Stress of things.
U have life your life too.
Facility are there for people.
just check em out..and find a affordable one. okay. dont take on the Stress of things.
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dont blame a sister who wanted to care for her Mother.
You have to take care of her. she is your Mother. and needs someone to do so.if not
you then please admit her to a facility that does this...as umay not want the Stress of it all.
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My sister insisted on caring for my Mother, even over my protests. My sister wasn't well, and she died in Dec. Mother is alive and well. How I wish that my sister would have cuts ties with Mother. No one can take care of someone else, when they are sick themselves.

Mom finally fell and an ambulance was called and from there she went to the hospital, rehab, AL and then, NH.

Do not blame your sister. It is not your fault or responsibility, that your Mother did not plan for the future and make her own arrangements. I am not going to give advice, I am just going to tell you that your current schedule can affect your health.
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First, you have to get a POA, as you don't say you have one yet. Then move her to a secure location. You can sell a house "as is" and the buyer either accepts or doesn't. At 25 yrs. your son can help you out, just ask. Does he live rent free? As far as your sister living in England, go for a visit. It will do you a world of good, then you can tell her in person how angry you are at her, or you can act like an adult, forgive her, and move on with your own life. You don't have a life that is any harder than all of us on this site, and most of us just accept our responsibilities (or not) and get on with living. Your mother is not responsible for any of her actions, and you cannot take what she says personally as it is the disease talking. Just alert the neighbors she has a "condition" and unless they talk with you, do not believe everything she says. Take some time off work to finish your father's estate as well as getting some extra help. Most people (friends, son, church members, etc.) will volunteer to help, just ask. Good luck.
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The experience of being care giver is something I totally did not understand nor did I realize the intensity that it could escalate to. My situation is very similar, mom was spoiled by dad, she now wants everyone else to pick up that slack in her life and it just can't happen. When the doctors told her she could not go home, she is unable to live alone and a danger to herself if she does, she conceeded and is in a nursing home. Lots of drama in between the rehab and doctors final diagnosis and now. After getting mom settled in the nursing home and she was out of danger of her life ending because of her medical condition, I pulled away. I could not continue to sit by her side everyday just to appease her. She cried, but she eventually got over it. She is never in her room now, and has become the social butterfly I know she is at heart. The family drama is pretty intense as well, and I have chosen to flush it!!! I don't involve anyone any longer, I don't include the alternate as HCA, I just take care of everything myself. It has been over two months since my brother has even called her and it is all because he is "living his life" and it does not include visiting his mother. sad! I have shared this story before but will do it again because God has a sense of humor and when you leave it in His hands... he delivers!!! I was going to Florida to my only grandson's 8th grade graduation. I sent my brother a txt msg, giving him the dates I would be gone and would he please call her daily to check on her. Well, I got this as his response: "I can take care of Sat, thru Tues but Wed we are going to the Cape and I don't know what you are going to do." ... SERIOUSLY... my response: "well, I will be in Florida, you will be in MA only 30 to 45 min from her, pick up the damn phone and call her, there is not a whole lot I can do from Florida... end of discussion!" He never replied, and I know he was not happy... Well, God's humor kicked in on Wed. right after he got to the campground and set up, Mom called him... frantic... her washer had let go and her home was flooded... he had to come back, clean the mess and get her another washer. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Ya gotta love it. He did not get her a washer right away though and that set me off again. She was 82, is incontinent, needs to wash clothes about every other day and her neighbors pitched in to help her since my brother went back to his "vacation" on the cape. I called him and left him a not so nice voice mail... he got the washer and had it delivered.
This may sound sort of nasty on my part but, I don't get any relief from caring for her, I have been doing this for five years now and I went to be with my only daughter, her husband and son for a week; when that was too much for him... well, sorry, but he deserved everything he got.
I suggest you take charge of your life, don't let this control it or you, do everything you have to do to preserve your own health because believe me, it can deteriorate much quicker than their lives will and then what? Where does that leave you, your family... and them, with no one! the statistics are out there for caregivers... don't become part of the stats. Get well! and stay WELL, you will better serve the needs of everyone by setting your boundaries NOW!
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I am in agreement with mgcarter. When behavior is childlike there is an indication that you are dealing with well, a child. You would not allow a child to stay home alone just because he wanted to, or to have a temper tantrum because they want to wear a swimming suit in the winter. Or whatever. I cannot tell you how many elderly folks dig in their heels, say things like 'if you put me in there my death will be on your conscience', etc. And then they end up gaining weight, feeling better, living longer, because they are getting the proper care. Gotta do what you gotta do. You owe this to yourself and your own family - kids, spouse, friends, etc. You can't afford to be drained dry; you will have nothing else to give and it will age you fast.
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It sounds like you are the responsible child/sibling dealing with the fallout from a divorce/remarriage and elder care for your mother. In addition you have a job and a grown son to consider. I can understand fully your frustration.

I would try to get a POA and health care directive for your mother. If she isn't willing, some of the advice above on how to gain control of the situation listed above would probably assist you. I would enlist your son to help you run errands and get the paperwork done so this thing can be managed. At 25 yrs he should be helping (I had cared for my mother who passed away from cancer 1 month after my 21st birthday after being her caregiver for the yr prior to that--so 25 is an adult and in this situation you can't afford to turn away help being as your sibling isn't helping).
I would try to settle your father's estate with the least amount of work. I would do the minimum amount of repairs to all the homes involved. Sell what needs sold or rent them for money to care for either your mother or stepmother who are still alive.

Your mother's funds (such as they are) should be spent down for her care.
You need to be able to direct some of her care and not do it all yourself. If she gets eventually placed in a nursing home, they will spend down her funds before getting her on Medicaid. The savings were for a rainy day and you're in a downpour so use them.

I think you need to get a few weeks of restful sleep. If you have to have a home health aide there for some evenings so you get sleep--do it. Some of my best spent funds went to the nights I arranged for a home health aide to stay with my father so I could go to my bedroom and just sleep. It is amazing how a few full uninterrupted nights of sleep changes your ability to deal with stressful situations.

Good Luck. This will get better.
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Your sister is not there to help you period. Forget about reasoning with her, tell her if she has nothing positive to input you can do without her "help." Really helpful from afar bs advice is just that bs. So, as you know you teach others how to treat you. Time to stick up for yourself, take care of yourself. If you were not there, believe me your mother, her doctor, your sister, someone would take care of it. Stop trying to fix her and fix yourself.
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I would like to gently suggest that you examine whether or not you feel you need to control this situation to your own standards and only those standards constitute what is 'right' where the care of your mother, dad's house, etc. are concerned.
Think about what you said. That your mother wants things only the way she wants them. You comply. Your sister may not agree with the whole dysfunctional arrangement and perhaps the only way she can please you is to do what YOU want her to do. (I am suggesting there is an unconscious pattern here and that is not your fault. No one can change something they have no conscious knowledge is going on!).
You are NOT required to kill yourself to prove you are a good daughter. If your mother is NPD - mine is too - you have spent your life fruitlessly trying to meet the standards of a person who really is not capable of 'real' love and whose approval you will never get. What I learned is that I have to know inside of myself that I'm fine and am well intentioned and willing to do what needs to be done. Just not necessarily what my mother or father DEMAND/think needs to be done.
My parents are in their 80's and have acreage and a huge house. There are five of us siblings; one brother and I live out of town while the other three literally live in their neighborhood. My dad developed this subdivision and ran his own company. He was always 'large and in charge' and an only child. My mother married him at 17 and never worked. He has indulged her and kept her an eternal, self centered baby all of her life. There is ALWAYS drama. For example, in the fall when massive leaves fall and everyone needs to rake and blow and bag leaves, my dad expects everyone to show up and help in his yard. Even hiring someone to do it is not enough. He wants to get out there and do it and wants everyone there to do it with him. One of my sibs refuses to play the game. He lives nearby. He is in his 50's and has kids, his own big yard and they earn enough to pay to have someone help my dad. I have heard over and over (in the past, because I have cut contact with them) how 'bad' my brother was. My mother, especially, cannot stop bashing people and I know she calls one up to talk about another and then moves on, complaining about the one she just complained to! There is no gratitude, just criticism. There seems to be a need in many of us to 'curry favor'. One sister in particular wants to be the favorite and will go along with things that make absolutely no sense to get that pat on the head. Anyway, I could go on and on. My point is this: Regardless of how unpleaseable my parents are, I would and will always when needed do the right thing by them. Not to 'make them love me' but just because it IS the right thing. I will NEVER allow myself to get pulled into the daily drama (by phone, now, since I moved consciously to stay out of this fray). I am sure my one sister thinks I don't 'give' as much as she does. But to keep them warm, comfortable, safe and cared for I am willing to do whatever I have to do. I see my sister becoming my mother, right down to the relentless need for attention, drama, etc. I disagree with enabling my parents to stay in their home. Not that I think staying in one's home till death is necessarily a bad thing, but the home people stay in when they are very old just cannot be too big and too high maintenance for it not to be either a danger or a huge financial burden that is too much.
My husband and I kept this in mind eight years ago when we built our own 'dream' house. Small yard, one floor, no basement and control over junk accumulation. We do NOT want to be a burden on our kids or want all six of them to get into disagreements because we are intractable. I would urge you to examine yourself and then let yourself and your sister off the hook. Do what's best for your parents, not what they demand of you and get a life of your own with out GUILT for having it. Don't pass this mindset on to your 25 year old son.
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Madeaa, and Kashi60, my sister moved to England years ago, because she felt it was the right "fit" for her. She admits even today, that family is not that important to her life. But she likes to tell me what I am doing wrong, I think that is what is irritating. I am POA of everyone, my parents and step parents set it up, since I am the "local" child. You are right. I don't want to spend all this energy resenting her. I need to move on. I don't know if I need a therapist or meditation. My mother is very resistant to any facility, she says she wants me there all the time. But that isn't happening. And I have a doctor's appointment today, to discuss her dementia, with him. And maybe this can lead a way to a facility. My mother hides her confusion very well from her doctor. LOL about my son helping with cleaning. But I might need to hire people. Good idea there. Thanks to everyone.
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I really feel for you Janalyson..you really do have your hands full. Your sister really should help out even if she doesn't live close, she can certainly make arrangements for some of the things that need to be done to get done. Maybe your son could help out with some of the cleaning, etc. Also, I hire people and pay by the hour so it's cheaper that way.
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First things first, one huge load to drop is your anger and resentment with your sister, she is not there to help and it does not matter right now why, how come, it's not fair, whatever, it is what it is, come to terms with that one first and you will have more energy to cope with your mother's care. If you do not have the powers of attorney get them now. Look into a senior day center for mom now during the day and then look into assisted living facility. Narcissists love to be the center attention and she can spend time with others telling them how wonderful she is, this will tire her out by the time you see her. Get her set up and then look into what you got to do with the houses. Be thankful she is not living with you!
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my husband recently had a stroke and is also diabetic - the diets are tough and I work part time to help the budget. He is in his 80's and I am in my 70:'s - it is exhausting but trying to avoid a nursing home at this point. I understand anyone that is tired.
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After a certain stage, you will not be able to convence the elder of anything. They just don't get it. I was forced to apply for, and get guardianship. I looked for, and found an awesome Memory Care home and took her there. Mother wasn't given a choice. A person with dementia just doesn't realize what they are doing. You need to treat this situation as you would deal with a child. My mother is so much better off now as she gets interaction with other adults, she gets regular meals and receives her meds on time. AL is worth the money!
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