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OK, I didn't want to horn in on someone elses post. There were similar questions. Just recently I asked for help, and had suggestions from here. Moms Doctor called a home health aid company, and they sent out a nurse to check her out. Well Mom threw a screaming fit. She said she didn't need any help, and if we tried she would kick and hit them. Needless to say, the company said that in that situation, they would not subject one of their workers, to Moms abuse. So NADA! How the heck can I convince Mom that she DOES need help? She insists she can can and does clean herself, and needs no help. If I even bring it up, she screams and yells that she will take her walker and get up and leave! I'm totally frustrated, and totally burned out! She's 96 and I'm 68 and not getting any younger. I haven't had a break in nine years.

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Ken, you have your hands full as so many of us have been in your shoes when trying to get outside help for our parent(s). It was my own Mom who didn't want any strangers in the house, yet my Dad knew that they needed help but Mom ruled the household. The Agency sent their best caregivers who were good at managing difficult clients... Mom shooed even them out... [sigh].

No matter what we do or say, our parent will insist that they can manage by themselves, they need no help at all. I think it is the fear of losing yet more independence. And if you are living under your Mom's roof, that makes it even harder to break away, because everything has been status-quo and Mom thinks it will go on forever. In our parent(s) eyes, we are still the "kid" and not a senior citizen ourselves with our own age decline, aches and pains.

One writer on this forum, Windyridge, came up with a good idea that worked when dealing with his parents.... he pretended the outside help were old high school buddies or friends. Windy's Dad [who has dementia] accepted that reasoning.

Therefore, if you are under the same roof with Mom, you can saying the outside help is for "you" and not for your Mom. Maybe that might be more acceptable... or maybe not.
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I agree with the others. When a senior takes a very exaggerated position, especially in response to a valid concern, then it would send up red flags about her mental status. Has she had decline in that area? Is she afraid that a stranger coming into the home might pick up on that and it frightens her?

I think I would question if your mom was thinking clearly, wouldn't she want for you to have this happen, as it benefits you both? When the ability to reason that way goes away, I would be inclined to explore why. Then, you might be in a better position to figure out how to work through. If there is mental decline, your approach might be quite different than otherwise.
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Unfortunately Mom has dementia. Asking her to do something because I need it, won't work. I've asked more than once, If I could go on a trip here or there, and she threw a fit that I didn't care enough to take care of her.
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Let your mom know that in the 9 years you've been caring for her you've tried to make things as easy for her as possible, that it's been your pleasure to assist her in anything she might need but after these 9 years you feel that you need some assistance yourself now. The home health nurse isn't there so much for your mom as she's there to ensure that your mom continues to receive good care. Ask your mom to accept the help for your sake.

Anytime I needed my dad to accept outside help (outside of my caring for him) I asked my dad to do it for me. My dad knew I did a lot for him and took care of everything for him so when I would ask him to do something for me he'd agree, for my sake.

But like Babalou brought up, if your mom has dementia that's a whole other ballgame where logic and reason won't do any good.
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Ask your mom who is going to take care of her when YOU die.

Does she have dementia? It makes a big difference.
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