So tired, need to get away a few hours but how?

Spouses struggle more than anyone in these situations, and if the person had children, second spouses can have an even harder time. I'm so sorry that you are in this terrible situation.

Please look at placing him in a nursing home. It doesn't sound as if you have a lot in assets, Medicaid has a program that will help you live decently with what you have left and you'd have your life again so that you can have surgery. Your husband would have care and you can visit as often as you are able.

You can find some resources by going to www.aging.gov and finding your state. This will give you a long lists of possible resources. Another option is your Area Agency on Aging. Someone needs to help you find a solution.
Take care of yourself. Your husband won't have anyone if you go down.
Carol

Our healthcare system keeps people alive long and longer, but the Federal government is not able to cope. If you are on Medicaid it's easy to get him in a nursing home with respite care. If you are NOT on Medicaid you have to play the Medicare game...you must keep him hospitalized for four days then Medicare will pay for something like 100 or 110 days in a nursing home (I forgot the exact amount of days) but they must be in the hospital first. Sounds like he can get hospitalized for any number of reasons like "failure to thrive" or whatever the doctor chooses. Once in the hospital, you can have other options like hospice care which Medicare will pay for. Now if he's on Medicaid simply call your doctor and he will be put in a nursing home so you can take care of whatever you need. Medicaid also pays for adult daycare.

Tears came to my eyes when I read your post. Wives of husbands with families from a previous marriage are in a horrible position all the time. But the difficulty escalates when dementia strikes. You must take care of yourself first. You need regular respite care. In the mean time, you need to find out what services he qualifies for. Start with Medicaid. Be persistent. If you fall down, you must pick yourself up again. You must advocate for you and your spouse. Unfortunately, your only reward is likely to know that you did all you could in the best way. I live with someone much only and my heart goes out to you.

There are many avenues suggested above. All are worthy of consideration. You can help him more by getting him placed in a skilled nursing facility. If he were to be admitted to a hospital, refuse to take him back due to the high level of care required which you cannot afford. The hospital would then be required to properly place him in a skilled nursing facility.

All advice given is really good...The help is there and as exhausted as you are, please do reach out today...I feel certain he is qualified for Medicaid. Call Social Services in your county to get that ball rolling.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

For short term, I hope you can get the respite mentioned above. Long term, he needs more help than you can provide. Does he qualify for Medicaid? The rules change from state to state, but I'd give them a call and ask someone to talk with you. Here in Iowa, as a community spouse, the house, one vehicle, and $15,000 in assets are protected for you. From what you say, he probably qualifies for nursing home care. It's time to take that first step. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I'm sure you are frustrated that you are not getting help from his children. Best wishes!

You have much more going on than just the need to get away for a few hours. You must be very hurt. You are also in your own prison. I have found that in caretaking I have become codependant. I never wanted to be again. I thought I had moved far past that. You are NOT all that he has. He has children who could step up an dyou may have to insist on it. You cannot put off your own medical needs while caring for his. You need hospice. You need support and there are many support groups. I finally just had to start leaving the house. You might have to make that decision too. God bless you in your journey. Dont let fear control this.

My heart goes out to you! Hospice can be a great help but depends; you need to do lots of inquiring. Hospice in my area sends out one volunteer for one hour a week. It isn't 24/7 care. That happens when you find a hospice facility.
You could at least catch a break hiring hourly home help but it doesn't come cheap. Many listened, bonded companies can come in for as long as you will pay.
Families can get quite ugly about dementia in a family member and also end-of-life circumstances.
Take a deep breath. You need rest so get creative and find a way. Sounds like he cannot be left alone, so get some help.

You are not alone, There is respite care at almost all assisted living. They will take care of your loved one for days or weeks at a time which you get away . I looked up one in your area is Gardens - the administrator can help you start there. Write down your questions before you call. Also there is Home Instead Senior Care that will come in possibly for three hours at a time. Call a near by church and see if they know anyone in their church that would come in. If he is weak your doctor can order home health and they will come and see what is needed. Also contact an Elder Attorney to see if there is some help out there that you are eligible for.Most Elder Attorney's do not charge for a consult. Was he or you in the service when we were at war? If so then contact the VA. I am sorry to say but many families do not take care of their parents or those that raised them and provided for them. I hope in some ways this is a small help to you.

Get him under hospice care; they will provide outlets for you.