So tired, need to get away a few hours but how?

Council on Aging has been wonderful!!
Our local chapter provides economical in-home care (but only a couple hours per week).
I've enrolled my mom in their daycare!! It's 5 hours a day on weekdays. Also economical compared to $20.00 an hour for private pay in-home respite care.
Please, you MUST take care of YOU!! Look at this task as if your life depends on it; because it does!
Hoping you tackle this like a researcher and fine several options. You MUST get respite care. Bless you!!

Ask for hospice care. They are there for you! God bless. Was there, and grieve for friends, and you going thru it. Did it for mom and dad, five years of going from office supervisor with great job, to caregiver. Prayers and love to you and yours.

Hospice care has been a great gift from God for me and my husband. He's had several strokes, severe dementia, an undiagnosed mentally- ill 56-yr-old daughter, I'm second wife.

You need respite, else you will experience caregiving burnout. Check with the elder's church.

AAonA has 2 programs, the State One that just got hub's aunt and uncle on and the Medicaid Waiver program with income limit of 3x poverty level

Alabama Agency on Aging senior assistance programs.

Sounds like a very, very tough situation and you need to look into funding situations for relief care from Medicaid or Medicare and get into some long term care solution. A Geriatric Care Manager or Elder Law Attorney could help.

In the meantime, here are some articles I wrote that may be helpful and provide useful links:

1. Hiring a Geriatric Care Manager:
2. Writing an Eldercare Plan:
3. What is Long Term Care?
4. Caring for the Caregiver:
5. How to Hire A Home Health Aide:

The best of luck to you!

Alabama Connect Web site:
http:www.211connectsalabama.org/search.aspx
Hope this helps you, you can go direct to the site with this address. God Bless, praying you find answers there. You are not forgotten!!

I don't find Alabama Connect and I'm here

Have had you on my mind, can you give us an update on your situation? Hoping you have taken steps to help yourself and your husband. Keep on Keeping on, God Bless You

Stress is a killer! You will become ill if you don't find relief. Respite Care or another form.

Alabama Connect assists older adults, individuals with disabilities and their family members to locate services they might need as well as other information that might be of interest.
Family Care Navigator, hosted by the Family Caregiver Alliance, is a comprehensive state-by-state searchable data base that provides a list of government and private services and supports for family caregivers and care recipients. .

National Resource Center for Participant Directed Services: If the person with the disability or chronic condition is eligible for Medicaid, they may qualify for financial assistance that can be used to purchase necessary home and community-based services and supports, including payment to the family caregiver or to pay for respite. Such programs are sometimes known as cash & counseling, consumer or participant-directed programs, or other names selected by the state . Check out the Center's program map for a list of programs and contact information.

Easter Seals: Many local affiliates of Easter Seals provide respite, adult day services, and other supports for individuals of all ages and disabilities. To connect to an Easter Seals affiliate in your area, .

Eldercare Locator: A public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging connecting you to services for older adults and their families. You can be reach them at 1-800-677-1116 .

Benefits.gov: The official benefits website of the U.S. government that informs citizens of benefits they may be eligible for and provides information on how to apply for assistance.

Aging and Disability Resource Centers: If you are looking for information or assistance with long term services and supports for yourself or for a friend or family member,

Call you local Council On Aging they can direct you to caregivers and respite care, I did that but also used private care, Comfort Keepers places like that. It was a little expensive but was not bad for 4 hours of free time a couple days a month.

Getting married later in life...this is something to consider, keep money separate. Women and men need to protect themselves from stepfamilies. Me personnally would not remarry if something happened to my husband.

I agree, try respite just to give u time to look into other alternatives.

she doesn't tell us what their relative sizes are; what if she couldn't just "put him in the car" if she gets desperate

Schedule your surgery right now. That will give a point to work towards. Then, call your husband's doctor. Explain that you can no longer provide the care he needs. Don't assume his doctor is well acquainted with his condition. She or he may be completely oblivious as to how care is currently being provided and how much of it is needed. His doctor must get him admitted to a skilled nursing facility. Once that's done, you can address with the staff of the SNF how to start the ball rolling for Medicaid. It's worth a few hundred dollars to meet with an elder law attorney, just to make sure you don't make any mis-steps in this process. Make sure it's an attorney who will advise you whether or not you agree to pay them to go through the Medicaid application process with you.

You MUST remain firm through all of this that your husband needs more care than you can safely provide. He cannot be discharged from a SNF until there's a plan for care. Don't waste your time on what his children SHOULD be doing or not doing. I'm sure they have their own side to the story (and lots of emotional baggage to go with it), frankly, it just doesn't matter. He needs skilled nursing or assisted living care and you need to help him get it.

If you become desperate, put him in the car and take him to the ER.

please answer if he is a veteran because I have just found out some very disturbing information

I agree with everything said above. My wife and I married 21 years ago and she was 15 years older than me. Her kids were grown and starting their own families. The age difference never really was never an issue ever......until dementia struck. I am lucky enough to have the money to pay for her and her kids are a tremendous help in caring for her and me at times. Just as my wife was really starting to show the effects of dementia, my dad was in the end stages of Alzheimer's. So, I have been dealing with dementia care for almost 10 years now.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you need to have a "very frank" discussion with his family ASAP. Pehaps in the office of and Eldercare Attorney. If his condition is as bad as it sounds and a minor emergency occurs I would have him admitted by ambulance to a hospital. While he is there arrange my own surgery and recovery and let the doctors handle it from there. If there is no one to care for him at home the family will have to step up or arrange for care in a nursing home. I know this sounds cold....and it is I guess, but it is time to force the issue and care for yourself.

The one thing I have found to be true is that caregivers almost always neglect themselves a little and sometimes a lot because that is the path of least resistance. It is time for you to change that path and care for yourself.

Second123

I am sure you need a break to recharge your batteries. Have you looked into Respite Care? Cost through community agencies can be little or nothing. Although a break for a few hours might be good, it appears that you could use more like a week.

Have you been diagnosed with depression? This diagnosis is very commonplace with family caregivers. Make an appointment with your doctor to seek information regarding depression.

Now let's talk about how you must take regular breaks from caregiving. The amount of caregivers suffering death or life altering illness is very high. Take a good long look at the loving care you are giving. Now add to this your being suddenly ill. Where does the next caregiver come from?

How can you get a few hours away to get some rest and a break? The answer (at least to me) is, how can you not take a break? Think of this situation - who will be able to give the quality of care expected if I suddenly drop out of the picture. There are astronomical numbers of caregivers requiring help themselves. Or worse yet great numbers of caregivers dying within three years of the person they are caring for. Ask yourself 'is this what my family member I care for want?

I know this sounds like you are only thinking of yourself however just the opposite is true. Take care of yourself to be able to care for her. There is quite possibly friends or professionals in your community that would love to help. They are not aware of what kind of help you need. Asking for help is a positive step in your situation. While asking for help be sure you are ready for the help as it arrives.

I agree about discussing hospice care with his doctor. After 13 years of caring for my husband (both remarried), hospice paid for 5 days of respite, and our county's aging dept paid for 4 days, making it possible for me to travel to Italy to visit my granddaughter. Also, hospice gives me bereavement counseling. She advises me to completely detach from all the drama of his kids. They have to make their own peace, and job is to look after my own grieving process. Best wishes!

Call visiting angels

Have nothing else to contribute. Just wanted to say thanks on behalf of Second123 for the great answers and support - to which I add mine.

I"m so sorry you are experiencing this. There is some great advice offered in the other posts.
I just want to add: Are you sure it wouldn't work to send a very neutral and diplomatic request to his children (maybe in a letter or email so you could address all of them) suggesting/requesting that they rotate taking a weekend day to care for him and spend time with him? Or one evening a week? It could be as simple as one shift a month (if he has 4 children). Perhaps an introduction from his doctor or a social worker describing his needs/condition. It might mean that even if only one of his children agrees, they would have a better understanding of the reality and the challenges of his condition. Ignorance is bliss, and their resentment of his relationship with you might just be an excuse to not really face what is going on with their father. Is there any other 'neutral' friend or family that might help introduce this idea?
All of the above advice is great. I'm just suggesting there might still be a way to bring his children into this picture. I'm also not suggesting that once a week is enough, but it might help you feel you aren't alone in this.

Here in NY, the well spouse is allowed to keep $133,000 in assets while the sick spouse gets Medicaid. Note, Medicaid will also pay for respite care in a nursing home, which is medically more appropriate for him than an assisted living. It is 3-30 days and a good opportunity to "try out" the nursing home. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My Heart goes out to you. This Web Site is a great source of information and just others to listen and respond to you. I hope by now you have taken some steps to get relief for yourself, if not please do so immediately! You will not last and once you have placed your spouse, you will be able to focus on yourself. I cared for my deceased Dad, & my Mom whom I finally had to place in Nursing home. I am now facing similar circumstances with my own spouse. I have felt many times there just is no light at the end of the tunnel. I too, have had no family to help. Everyone always has something else to do so I just don't bother anymore. Get Help NOW, before you aren't able to go yourself!!! I pray God will send you the answers you need, but you have many on this site. Take Heart, Take Care and I will be thinking of you, as many have said I Promise you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Many of us are out here. I am grateful for this site and all who listen and advise.

To get away, you can either leave him alone, get a friend to sit with him, or hire someone to sit with him. If something happens to him if you leave him alone, know you will be held responsible since you are the non-dementia person and principle caregiver. All the other family stuff is a non-issue. Don't bother yourself about insignificant problems with them, and just love him for the time he has.

I don't know what state you are in , but there is help.
I lost my Mom 1 year ago today. At that time, if you didn't have money to pay for help there wasn't much. However, since then I have found out there is more assistance for dimintia and Alzheimer's patients.
Contact your area Council on Aging. Google ADRC for your state. I just started the process for my MIL who lives with me and has dimintia. She can't be left alone anymore, so I was soooo happy to find out there is help for her and me. God Bless you!

My heart goes out to you. Everything you write, plus more, is occurring here as I care for my husband. The last thing I need to hear is more of a load - if something happens to me, who will care for my husband? Because of dementia, I imagine his friends have stopped coming by or calling. I wouldn't worry about the phone - hopefully you have an answering machine, and can put both phone on silent ringer, and answering machine on low so it is quiet, and let it serve its purpose. If there is a friend of his you could ask to come and stay for an hour, it becomes a start. Be sure to be back 5 mins. earlier than you promised. That's just for starters. I agree with all above that state aging services will be helpful. You do not need to go physically to them. They have volunteers who know all sorts of ways to go forward, and they will come and visit with you at home. Forget the stepkids and their lack of involvement. That will be their problem with their later lives, and with God. When I wake up, it's easy now to tell if it's going to be a 'frontal lobe' day. Some days that aren't give a little more peace, but not enough to get over being tired. And being tired is deep in the spirit, not only sleep deprived. It can be more manageable as you reach out to the state. Good for you for reaching out here. Please keep us informed about both the good and the bad days. Know you are not alone - there are those of us in the same boat out on those caretaker waters, and I for one solute you.

Oh you have to be poor to get on Medicaid. No more than $2,000 in the bank. If you are poor, it will not be hard to get him on Medicaid -- you can apply online for Medicaid. Believe me the government knows what is in your bank account and how it is spent. Apply for Medicaid if you don't have much in the bank. You can do that yourself. If he gets on it just call your doctor and respite care is possible, or even adult daycare. If you are on Medicaid get food stamps. Every bit helps!