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He cannot dial or answer phone so I'm struggling to leave at all. Desperately need surgery, but have no one else to b with him. Will have to get outside help soon as really do need surgery his family, is mad because he married me six and half yrs ago we pooled our money and what we have left is mine. Not too big amt. They think he's much better than is. He and first wife cashed in all insurance etc. Cannot imagine treating parent like this. He educated, gave all they had before we married. Actually all with any value. I had no idea that he wiped out savings and all to "put" daughter in business she partied big time and recently quit pretending to b a business and closed. Family does not call or care. He is incontinent as well as on oxygen and has bad dementia. I've decided if I outlive him will b no funeral

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Spouses struggle more than anyone in these situations, and if the person had children, second spouses can have an even harder time. I'm so sorry that you are in this terrible situation.

Please look at placing him in a nursing home. It doesn't sound as if you have a lot in assets, Medicaid has a program that will help you live decently with what you have left and you'd have your life again so that you can have surgery. Your husband would have care and you can visit as often as you are able.

You can find some resources by going to www.aging.gov and finding your state. This will give you a long lists of possible resources. Another option is your Area Agency on Aging. Someone needs to help you find a solution.
Take care of yourself. Your husband won't have anyone if you go down.
Carol
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You are not alone, There is respite care at almost all assisted living. They will take care of your loved one for days or weeks at a time which you get away . I looked up one in your area is Gardens - the administrator can help you start there. Write down your questions before you call. Also there is Home Instead Senior Care that will come in possibly for three hours at a time. Call a near by church and see if they know anyone in their church that would come in. If he is weak your doctor can order home health and they will come and see what is needed. Also contact an Elder Attorney to see if there is some help out there that you are eligible for.Most Elder Attorney's do not charge for a consult. Was he or you in the service when we were at war? If so then contact the VA. I am sorry to say but many families do not take care of their parents or those that raised them and provided for them. I hope in some ways this is a small help to you.
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You have much more going on than just the need to get away for a few hours. You must be very hurt. You are also in your own prison. I have found that in caretaking I have become codependant. I never wanted to be again. I thought I had moved far past that. You are NOT all that he has. He has children who could step up an dyou may have to insist on it. You cannot put off your own medical needs while caring for his. You need hospice. You need support and there are many support groups. I finally just had to start leaving the house. You might have to make that decision too. God bless you in your journey. Dont let fear control this.
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Tears came to my eyes when I read your post. Wives of husbands with families from a previous marriage are in a horrible position all the time. But the difficulty escalates when dementia strikes. You must take care of yourself first. You need regular respite care. In the mean time, you need to find out what services he qualifies for. Start with Medicaid. Be persistent. If you fall down, you must pick yourself up again. You must advocate for you and your spouse. Unfortunately, your only reward is likely to know that you did all you could in the best way. I live with someone much only and my heart goes out to you.
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Get him under hospice care; they will provide outlets for you.
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For short term, I hope you can get the respite mentioned above. Long term, he needs more help than you can provide. Does he qualify for Medicaid? The rules change from state to state, but I'd give them a call and ask someone to talk with you. Here in Iowa, as a community spouse, the house, one vehicle, and $15,000 in assets are protected for you. From what you say, he probably qualifies for nursing home care. It's time to take that first step. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I'm sure you are frustrated that you are not getting help from his children. Best wishes!
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All advice given is really good...The help is there and as exhausted as you are, please do reach out today...I feel certain he is qualified for Medicaid. Call Social Services in your county to get that ball rolling.

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Our healthcare system keeps people alive long and longer, but the Federal government is not able to cope. If you are on Medicaid it's easy to get him in a nursing home with respite care. If you are NOT on Medicaid you have to play the Medicare game...you must keep him hospitalized for four days then Medicare will pay for something like 100 or 110 days in a nursing home (I forgot the exact amount of days) but they must be in the hospital first. Sounds like he can get hospitalized for any number of reasons like "failure to thrive" or whatever the doctor chooses. Once in the hospital, you can have other options like hospice care which Medicare will pay for. Now if he's on Medicaid simply call your doctor and he will be put in a nursing home so you can take care of whatever you need. Medicaid also pays for adult daycare.
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To get away, you can either leave him alone, get a friend to sit with him, or hire someone to sit with him. If something happens to him if you leave him alone, know you will be held responsible since you are the non-dementia person and principle caregiver. All the other family stuff is a non-issue. Don't bother yourself about insignificant problems with them, and just love him for the time he has.
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My Heart goes out to you. This Web Site is a great source of information and just others to listen and respond to you. I hope by now you have taken some steps to get relief for yourself, if not please do so immediately! You will not last and once you have placed your spouse, you will be able to focus on yourself. I cared for my deceased Dad, & my Mom whom I finally had to place in Nursing home. I am now facing similar circumstances with my own spouse. I have felt many times there just is no light at the end of the tunnel. I too, have had no family to help. Everyone always has something else to do so I just don't bother anymore. Get Help NOW, before you aren't able to go yourself!!! I pray God will send you the answers you need, but you have many on this site. Take Heart, Take Care and I will be thinking of you, as many have said I Promise you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Many of us are out here. I am grateful for this site and all who listen and advise.
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