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My mom and I have a painful dark past! A truth so horrid, that I'm the last person who would want to care for her to keep her out of nursing home. Due to the dementia that she WILL NOT even begin to understand. Cause I am the reason she has it. That it's prob Alzheimer's and just wont tell her. I deeply love her so much, I just want her to see the blessing in disguise that God gave us. She has lately refuses to me be her caregiver. Says I'm too controlling and she will never accept me. My brother who is older, one day popped up at the door and now is living here. He is the favorite, which he thrives on. He pays nothing and now I have more work load, without a break ever. He works 3 days on and 4 days off. When works he told me, he wouldn't be able to help me with mom, cause he worked 12 straight hours and he is exhausted. I have worked 24/7 and 365 the last year. I never stop. I'm burned out and the demons from my past are almost consuming me. I just want her and I to make a mends and completely put the awful past to rest. However, she refuses any Physical therapy, cause she states it wouldn't help her walk it anything. She refuses to help herself and then, just like the last 30 plus years, places blame on me, cause she has become almost immobile and bed ridden. Anyway, you have the basics..what do I do? And, last thing which I have NEVER said outloud or to her. I had a good job, friends a nice savings, 401k and a great life! Not once did I have to give thought to stopping my life to care for her! Then tells me I try to hard to take care of her and she is sick of my being a perfectionist cause I keep things clean and make her change her clothes and wash bedding. That she can't believe God would give her such a piece of deep daughter. Now I'm done...sorry I rrambled

Don't let yourself be treated as a scapegoat! By her or your brother. If she refuses your suggestions and doesn't appreciate what you do, then take a deep breath, step back, and find your way back to your "good job, friends a nice savings, 401k and a great life!" Don't let yourself be dragged down this sinkhole!
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Soulofpain Feb 16, 2019
Thank you and you are so right! However, I have to get everything out of my name, house, utilities and relinquish as POA. I can't just walk away and my brother loses his job and my name go down the tubes. I can't let them change who I am. Is that wrong?
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Just read your profile, you moved her in with you. And brother pays nothing? You need to put ur foot down and tel, him he needs to pay towards rent/mortgage and bills. Your Mom gets SS she should be paying too. You should not lose everything you have worked for.

To be honest, I doubt if you will ever mend what went wrong with your relationship with Mom.
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We r here for venting too. She thinks your the reason she has ALZ or you think your the reason. ALZ is usually hereditary. No one can give or cause someone to get Dementia or ALZ.

I can understand why you took on this responsibility but Mom really doesn't have the ability to be apprecitive or say she is sorry.

If taking care of her and using your savings makes u happy then I guess its OK. I assume since brother had no problem moving in, the house is Moms? If he works, there is no reason he shouldn't be paying something towards the household.
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Riverdale Feb 15, 2019
If she moved her mother in with her than wouldn't the house be hers. Agree with all you said and especially the issue with her brother. I always wonder how so many people can be soulless. I understand that can't be expected of true sociopaths but the average offspring who does nothing while the sibling does it all is just disgusting.
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Do you need to stay in that living arrangement due to finances? If you could I think you should get out or possibly work towards that. Let your brother deal with her needs. You are being taken advantage of. Due to the dementia she probably could never heal old wounds. She also just sounds very emotionally abusive and is not deserving of your efforts. How does she think her needs could be met. I know it is your mother but she sounds like one in name only. I am sorry you are being treated this way.
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Soulofpain Feb 15, 2019
The only thing I'm wait on is to figure out some kind of home care for her.She makes too much for Medicare and I have a feeling that nursing home will be only option. I just know she will give up her will within 4 or 5 months after she arrives. I do know it shouldn't bother me, but it will gnawl at forever. Plus, the house, utilities are all in my name. I am also relinquishing being her POA for both health and finances. But, that's already ready to go. However, not gonna let my name go down and let my brother stay and not have to do nothing but go to work and do what he wants. Can I just walk away and then my brother will have to step up..? I am real inpatient right now. If something doesn't go right soon. I'm not sure I will fully come back from the last year and a half...
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