How does one tactfully tell family members that you don't want to hear about their trips, movies seen, and other such things?

my man is like that and he is in his 60's he just claims women talk to much and dont want to hear any of it. I.m younger than him

i dont know but thank you for being on this forum it is helping me. When u find out let me know. Personally, i think you should honestly tell them while having a good tone of voice. low not menacing ang good eye contact.

Perhaps the most constructive and effective way to respond would be ‘That sounds fantastic! I’d love to do that! Could you care for LO for a day so that I can try it myself?’ Expect a deathly hush. But it’s more to the point than ‘p*** off’.

I just tell my self centered siblings just that. That it pisses me off bc I can’t. They wonder why I can’t.

I'm frustrated on your behalf at the responses you're getting asking you why you would feel that way. The problem is that you DO feel that way, and I'm sure it doesn't make you feel any better to be judged for what you're experiencing. (This kind of judgment keeps me off this forum a lot of the time, but that's a separate issue.)

It doesn't surprise me if you're feeling resentful of or upset by others' freedom, if you're feeling restricted. It's a really common experience for people who are experiencing compassion fatigue as caregivers. I say this both as a caregiver myself and someone who teaches about this stuff. That resentment is a really important red flag for your own level of burnout, which it sounds like you're aware of and trying to protect yourself from.

I think the fact that you're thinking about how to do this tactfully shows that the problem is not that you don't care about others. It's that it's too painful or upsetting for you to keep being exposed to other people's good news. I might be wrong about that but that's what I'm inferring from your question.

I think it's totally reasonable to say, as others have suggested, that even though you recognize it's not fair or ideal that it's hard for you to hear about these adventures, and to ask for help so that you yourself can experience some of them.

Take good care.

You tell them gently and with the truth. For instance (you don't say so I can't know) if you reason is that you feel trapped in caregiving and cannot do these things yourself you say to them:
"You know, quite honestly it is painful for me to hear about your trips, movies, dinners out, and etc. I know it sounds selfish, but I can do none of these things, and when you go on about them it makes me feel more loss than already I feel on a daily basis. I know you mean well and want to share with me, but were you in my position you might understand it brings me no joy. What I WOULD love would be if you can just give me a break some day in some way so that I can get a few hours to myself to leave, to catch my breath, to think about making my own picture, even if it's just a tree. I am glad you are enjoying your life, but being human I admit to being pea green with jealousy and in pain".
I doubt they would do it again.
So, whatever your truth, say it gently. Then move on. We are all responsible for our own choices for our own lives. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes.
Best to you.

I know what you mean pammiewm. When I was my husbands caregiver, and that happened , I would have a fake smile. It's not their fault. There just living a normal life. I was happy for them but, It would make me feel deeply sad inside because I couldn't do what they can with their husbands, as a couple. I would'nt say anything to them because their just happy. I would like I said, smile, then slowly walk away like I had something I had to do, or to someone else, without being rude. My husband is in heaven now. I understand pammiewm. It will be ok.

You're putting a question entirely into a title, which gives no details and sounds rather odd, actually. Why would you not want to hear about your family members' lives? What should they talk to you about when they do talk to you? What would be a safe subject?

I ask you that b/c my mother continuously complains when people talk to her about ANYTHING that they are 'bragging' and she finds it to be insufferable. If her fellow resident tells her about her son or his family, we'll she's BRAGGING and she hates that. If someone tells her about their grandson graduating college, they too are BRAGGING and have 'some nerve' to do such a thing! No matter what someone says to her, it's The Wrong Thing. So I'll ask you what I ask her: What should they be talking to you about?

Small talk in general includes light and fluffy topics like travel, movies, tv shows and the weather. My mother doesn't like those subjects either and finds it necessary to argue with the person who's talking; that the hot weather isn't THAT hot or the movie they liked SHE hated, etc.

So in reality, there is no 'tactful' way to tell family members that you don't want to hear anything they have to say. Perhaps don't answer the phone or the door? Or expand on your question and give us a few more details so you can get some useful responses.

Oh, by the way. I was my mom's caregiver so I know how that goes.

Are your family rubbing it in? Bragging? Full of themselves when they talk about these things? Cause then I'd see why you'd feel as you do. But if they are just sharing a fun time with you why would you begrudge them that.

The reason I say this is me and my husband have traveled. I barely spoke about it. But when I did everyone in my family except my dear mom could barely hide their disdain, rolling of the eyes, etc. Why? I wasn't bragging. Just happy and wanting to share my stories.

If you can't be happy for another it's a pretty sad world.

For the love of all that is good, I get you! I had one friend, with whom I'm barely speaking now, who for several years was sending me pictures when she went somewhere on vacation--Italy, the shore, really anywhere. I was confused by it--are you sharing this because you want me to see the world still exists without me out there? Are you sharing this because you wish we could be having fun? Are you tormenting me with it because I haven't been to a beach, vacation, away for at least three or four years? What gives? I know it sounds petty and probably ridiculous but I DON'T CARE. What's more is we really don't talk very much anymore, and I really don't miss her at all.

pammiewm,

I totally get where you're coming from. Sometimes we all can get to a point when we just cannot tolerate hearing about everyone's wonderful times and how they are out there living their best lives and all that.
There's a name for people who brag about their fabulous trips and all the wonderful things they have to others who have very little and are in miserable situations. Those people were called show-offs. Their "let them eat cake" attitude when it comes to far less fortunate than themselves can cause great resentment. I understand how you feel and have often been there myself.
These family members of yours can go and talk about their wonderful trips and all the fun things they do to their friends.
If they had any class this is exactly what they'd do. They would not throw it in your face when you're struggling. This is also called kicking 'em when they're down. No need.
When times were good for me and I would go visit my cousin and her family who were struggling, I didn't talk about how I just dropped $300 on getting my hair done. Or how much I spent on the designer clothes I was wearing, or the wonderful spa day I just had. What I would do is insist that she let ME TAKE her and the kids out. Then I'd want to hear all about the kids and what they were doing in school and those kids could talk your ear off. My cousin too. When family comes to visit, it's supposed to be just that. A family visit. If they don't know well enough that they shouldn't brag, well then that's on them not you.

You don't "tactfully" tell them anything, it will be water off a duck's back. Here are some options:

(1) Be a downer. If they talk about the great film they saw you say "Isn't it well for some, I can't sit down and watch TV for 10 minutes without having to get up due to some disturbance here". If they talk about their trips say "Isn't it well for some, I consider myself lucky if I can get half an hour alone to go and do grocery shopping, pharmacy runs etc.".

(2) Go nuclear. Shout "Will you ever STFU about your trips, movies etc., I'm fed up and burned out from doing everything on my own and I haven't gone anywhere for the last X years because of that!" Throw something in their direction for good measure (a pair of socks or something you won't have to clean up after, you have enough to do as it is).

(3) If you want to be a bit "nicer" say "it's great to hear about your movie/trip etc. but that's something I haven't been able to do for a long time. I'd really appreciate it if you could spend a few hours or an evening filling in for me so I can go see a movie or take a trip to the hairdressers, beauty salon etc. for a little down time." If they look askance or don't volunteer next time they start going on about movies and trips do option (2).

Seriously you have to look after yourself. Nobody else will do it. Is it possible to get respite care? You can always ask family to contribute towards it, they have money to spend on movies and trips so they can give you a bit to help you out if they aren't willing to pitch in themselves.

Someone who comes here and says what she said is - burnt out - emotionally exhausted - being hurt by the trips and feeling left out and the other 1000 things that we feel when we are a sole caregiver.

I get it Pammie and those words or trip talks probably end up landing in one of your hardest days. It is hard in those moments when you feel like a ghost that nobody sees.
I have been there - doing Covid alone was hard and then the world opened and everyone wanted to be out and living again - and yet you were still just alone.

Im not sure of your circumstances - but I do know that all of ours are very different and so I always try to not judge someone else’s feelings or struggles. I often have to put mom on FaceTime with my sister and either go to the shower or outdoors where I cannot hear them talk.
My sister has her own business like me - we are the bosses and yet I’m the one who has done it all. I do not want to hear about her weekends - her trips to Aruba - how she went to church or went for a walk or even to tjmaxx.

I have done icu - acute care - rehab - took mom home - do full care - did every bill - banking - meal - bath - laundry - sold homes - packed homes - took it to storage - took it to my house - order every supply and met with every dr - done every wound care - learned everything stroke - I taught mom how to brush her teeth - eat - swallow - speak - do crosswords - blah blah blah blah.

I don’t want to hear a darn thing about how busy she is doing stuff but too busy when mom asks her when she can come see her and misses her.

So I validate you not wanting to hear it as I understand that if your feeling that way - you are hurting.

There is some good advice in regard to telling some of the family that you miss them and your missing being part of their lives giving them an opening to find ways to include you or come to you and just spend some time with you. I’m hoping you do this - don’t feel bad saying “hey I really miss doing those things and though I cannot do that specific thing do you think we could plan something at my house” or “gosh I really miss what normal life was can we find something I can escape for an hour and see you” etc Etc.
It is hard - I hear you and I see you and honestly I think if you got some time with these people who you feel hurt by then you wouldn’t mind hearing their journeys. So speak up and just tell them “I need some time with you or from you”. 🦋

What would you like them to talk about? I can't afford a river cruise in Europe but I was thrilled to hear about my cousin's trip. People talk about what they know. You are free to talk about what you are going through.

For those who posted that if they had time for a trip then they should have time to help out...really? So since my cousin can afford the river cruise maybe she should put some funds aside for me so I can go too? Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it.

When I was going through a terrible divorce it was all I could talk about. After a while, my friends got sick of hearing about it. You can't dump bad things on others and keep expecting them to come back for more. How many here have heard posters saying they lost friends when they became full-time caregivers. Of course they did, because they no longer had the time to put any effort into being a friend. If every meeting with a friend revolves around you telling them how hard you have it and then you don't want to hear about their lives...especially if you are going to begrudge them from having something good happen, then they will be there less and less.

Please understand I totally understand the life you are living. I would have in-depth conversations with my assistant regarding caregiving and how soul-sucking it was. I could do this with her because she was going through the same thing. I didn't have these conversations with my friends because they weren't going through this and wouldn't comprehend. With that said, it did not stop me from having normal conversations with friends and being happy for them when a good thing happened.

Think of it this way, would you rather they didn't come around at all?

I don't know if there's really a tactful way to say "I don't want to hear about this anymore". However, you can be direct without being rude about it, especially if hearing all of these stories is making you feel worse about the situation that you're in. When they start talking about it, you can very gently interrupt "Would it be possible for us to talk about something else? I'm so happy for you, that you were able to (whatever), but while I'm taking care of my husband, I don't really have much opportunity to do such a thing anymore, and today, I am really missing being able to do that. Maybe instead we could talk about (______)."
And have another topic or two in mind, something you have in common with whomever it is you're talking to. If people don't realize that them talking about this stuff makes you feel, at the least "left out" or "left behind", they're going to continue to tell you, and you're going to continue to feel badly.

Now, if they ignore that request, or balk at it, then I would limit the time I speak with those individuals. But if they agree to it, then make sure the conversations are two way, and not *just* you talking about your woes. Conversations should be a give and take, not dominated by one side or the other; otherwise that's just one person talking AT another, not WITH another.

Good luck and (((hugs)))

Assuming your family isn't using a bragging voice when they tell you of the places they've been or the movies they have seen, I think your irritations may be more about how you feel hearing about others still having the option of going out to those places while you are "stuck" at home with your ill loved one. I have felt that way even when I choose to be the caregiver.

I suggest you develop a plan or method to help you handle the stress of caregiving a bit better - self-care is _very_ important in long-term caregiving. Maybe it's time for you to reach out to the Area Agency on Aging in your community to determine what local resources are available (Adult Day Care helped Mom and me a LOT) or if facility placement might be in order. You need to determine what point a facility will become a possibility. Having a plan can help you feel in more control of your life. Having a friend or family member to discuss and brainstorm care options helps a lot too.

MAbe they are just trying to share, knowing you are stuck at home. I always comment on my friends' vacation pictures posted on Facebook because I can enjoy their trips vicariously. Yes, I'd love to go to Holland when the tulips are blooming; or go tour the house where Downton Abbey was filmed, but I can't. At least I can enjoy the photos and imagine!!

Maybe they mean well.. Are just trying to share a little of their own joy?

If the conversations go both ways - they describe their outings & you describe your days - then ok.

But if one-sided... We just went to the beach! Went skiing! To the movies! Like showing a photo album, I'd treat it as that. Quick flick though at the 'pics' "that's nice".

I imagine it could start to feel like a superficial relationship? Just skimming over the highlights without really connecting. If so, I'd suggest looking for relationships that DO really nourish you & spend more time with those people (face to face, phone or txt).

Also may be a good chance to check in with yourself? Are you feeling burned out? Resentful? Depressed? It's OK if you do - but maybe there is potential to make changes before things get worse?

How about ‘Gee your life is so exciting you should write a book about it! My own life is busy but so boring that all I have time to do is to share my problems with this really helpful Aged Care site. I can catch a few minutes at a time for that, thank heavens. I don’t think that most of the people there could bear to share so much excitement’.

Wow, I feel some replies are almost dissing you for feeling as you feel; I get that when one is 'grounded' it can seem thoughtless of others to go on and on about their adventures. They don't realize it can come off as bragging! I appreciate you're wanting Tactful ways to communicate to them; sometimes you just have to be blunt, but maybe try to do it with Humor: "Take me with you!' Of course you begin to feel envious of their apparent 'freedom'. They may think their stories are entertaining for you when you feel instead 'left out' of the fun; it's OK to just tell them that: "I'm glad you're able to get out and do fun stuff but it's hard for me to not feel my life is dull and overwhelming by comparison." See how they react and then ask for help; it could be a good 'wakeup call' for them. In a way, they need the tact to not go on and on about themselves, to be sensitive to your situation.

Hearing of others' experiences can be a source of joy for them, jealousy for you, and maybe even a bit tedious... Remember all those old videos of others' vacation movies in black and white? Your question seems to point that you may be experiencing some stress, burnout, depression or even jealousy. Consider what is the motivation or feeling behind your question. May I suggest that is what really needs to be dealt with. Please consider talking to a counsellor or trusted friend about your feelings and devising a plan to overcome the problematic ones.

Are these family members who never offer any help? Have you asked them for help and they say they don't have time? You may just need to be blunt. "Oh it would be so nice to get out but with John's health I can't even get out for lunch with friends." Or "it would be so nice to be able to pick up and go" Be a Debbie Downer and maybe they will get the hint. "Guess I won't talk about my vacations anymore because I have to listen to Debbie whine".

I always smile say "that's nice and if you have that much free time, why don't you stop by Aunt ----- house and fix her some dinner, or I need someone to sit with Uncle Bill on Saturday afternoon." it shuts them and they scurry back to their rat holes.

Well if you can't beat them, join them. You listen with enthusiasm to all their anecdotes and bulletins, and in return they listen attentively to the blow-by-blow details of your day. Fair enough?

You never know. If they've any sense or tact, this might spur two or more of them into offering to sit with your DH while you go to the movies - assuming that would help. Would it?

Yes it can sting abit when everyone else's live seems to be more everything than yours. Hang out with other people. As family members if they wanted to help you they would be there now. I would say benign comments like " How wonderful! " or " That's great! ". They're just living their lives. Sooner or later they'll be in your shoes.

Maybe use those conversations as a lead in to them coming to help caregive, so that you can get away for a short vacation, or go see that movie?
For a local friend say, that does sound like a good movie. I'd love to go see it too. Could you stay with Mom for a couple of hours next week sometime so I can go?

If it's a trusted family member, you can at least ask for a long weekend at maybe do a stay cation in a local nice hotel or nearby city, so you could still get back if needed in an hour or two, but still relax.
Im assuming that this is a caregiver issue, not money. But what do you want them to talk about, if not their life? But you can clue them in a little that you are having difficulties, if that's it, and maybe they would tone it down. But most people aren't rubbing your nose in it, they are just excited about their vacations etc.

If you or your loved one are involved with a church, often they have members who would come sit for free, while you shop or go for a meal, or a walk in the park.

Often people don't know how to help, and they say whatever I can do... and people don't take them up on it. Most friends/family ,even busy ones, would love to help. Be specific. Bring or order you a meal. Sit with mom, so I can do laundry. Can your teenager mow my lawn? Come visit with me, so I can have company while I take care of mom.

Why wouldn't you want to hear about these things from your family? Is it because you are perhaps overwhelmed in your caregiving for your husband and don't get to do many fun things anymore because of that, and are a bit jealous or envious?
I guess I'm not understanding why you wouldn't want to be happy for your family members who are fortunate to be able go and do as they please, just because you may not be able to yourself. You may need to elaborate a bit more.