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My mother passed Christmas day in 2018 while in Hospice in a hospital. I witnessed her suffer tremendous, excruciating pain as the staff could not control her pain (despite their promise to "make her comfortable and control her pain"). I stayed with her for 13 long days and nights, right by her side until she took her last breath. I STILL have PTSD from that which I relive over and over again . She was married to my father for almost 60 years. My father was never the same after she died.


My father passed away last week from Sepsis while I held his hand at the same hospital my beloved mother passed away in. (The hospital they were at failed to properly diagnose him and it was too late by the time they did).


I am beyond devastated and just feel totally alone and empty. It literally took all I had to get out of bed this morning.


I know people are saying "well, they are together now and no more pain for either one of them" but that doesn't help, unfortunately. I hurt...the pain of them not being here is almost too much. "Time" did not help me at all after my mother passed. Not at all. Being isolated from friends and family during this Pandemic doesn't help either. I just want to be with my parents.


Any advice would be most appreciated.


Thank you.

I'm so sorry that you are grieving the loss of both your parents in such a short time frame. I lost my Mother in Feb. 2018. I had cared for her through the last season of her life after my Dad died in 2000. Like you, I felt I was suffering PTSD after I stayed with her by her deathbed for 14 days. After her death, I felt like a fish out of water.
I was very close to my Aunt(Mom's sister). Closer to her than to my Mom. My Aunt suffered a stoke 6 months after Mom died. A second stroke in Jan. 2020, took her from me.
As the first year of my Aunt's death approach's, I am no where near any emotional resolve. My heart is still full of sorrow & pain for both my Mom & Aunt. I dream of them. I want to be with them.
I wish I had beautiful, wise, comforting words to offer you, I'm sorry I don't. I have found that there is no time frame on grief. Everyone copes with their sorrow individually & that makes grief more isolating.
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Billiegoat Dec 29, 2020
I'm so sorry for your losses, too. There's nothing harder, is there then to deal with death of loved ones. I am grieving and feel like I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. Maybe time will take away some of the pain; who knows. I hope you get some relief. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
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I am so sorry. i was in this same situation. your parents raised you well. I am so proud to hear that you took the precious time to assist your parents. I'm really, really am proud of you. you will be blessed an highly favored by God. they say when married couples have been married for years and one passes away its not long before the other does also. i know your hurting and that's natural. i had an aunt and uncle whom were married and that happened to. My parents use to live in nyc and they were divorced but were from the same home town. my father moved back yrs. before my mom hers were fairly recent 7yrs. before moving to va. however, my father remarried and mom single living alone. she had some i hate to say mental issues. i have a family and was residing in nyc. i have 2 brothers whom were into themselves. that's a whole other story. anyway
i was trying to divide my time and trying to get there to help. i only could do the best i could. i had no vehicle, money. but what i had i sent and was on the phone daily. i tried to get my brothers to drive me down or they stay few wks as well as myself. i was trying to move there but my mother did not want me there she wanted a male figure. at the end my father had passed and two months later we went back to her funeral. it was oh so sad. my father even though he was married he had a mean wife and step daughter because he did not do right by us. u know that saying u reap what u saw. they said he died in his room alone. they did not cook, feed etc. my mom died alone they found her on the floor. I was really trying to assist my mom but she would not allow me. what i do is pray with out ceasing. pick up your Bible and call on the Lord. He will give you peace. I know for a fact. you will be fine. i was in your shoes. i know. i want you to know your not alone. i also, listen to my favorite pastor. Dr. Charles Stanley please please go online to intouch.org and listen to the sermons. it's all vital and definitely the Bible start reading Psalms and Proverbs ask God to open your mind, heart and soul. trust and believe in His Words you will be fine. please keep me posted. God Bless!
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Billiegoat Dec 29, 2020
Thank you so much for your incredibly kind, thoughtful words of advice. I am sorry for your losses, too. Thank you, Candyapple. You are a sweet soul.
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Billiegoat, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I found this information helpful on jw.org. https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&issue=2018-11&pub=g18&srcid=share
It explains the grieving process, why we die, the condition of the dead and God’s promise to reunite your parents with you. God knows your pain because he saw his son die a very painful death. He resurrected his son and he will do the same for your parents. He will comfort and soothe you. He will be close to you to help you with your broken heart (Psalms 94:19, Psalms 34:18, 2Corinthians 1:3-5)

I hope this helps.
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Candyapple Dec 3, 2020
this is on point. you definitely have to draw nearer to God. He's the only one that can see us though. Praise God!
'
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Billiegoat, I am sorry for your loss. My husband and I have lost 4 family members, including our moms, his sister, and a close friend in the last three years. The Covid makes it harder too. I try to tell myself that our loved ones are safe, nothing can get them now. I pray for strength and healing for you at this time.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
ty...I'm sorry for your loss, too.
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Dear Billiegoat,

At age 77 I have lost a lot of people that I loved. What helps me is saying prayers for the departed so their souls can grow closer to God. Here is one I have memorized:
O my God! O Thou forgiver of sins, bestower of gifts, dispeller of afflictions!
Verily, I beseech Thee to forgive the sins of such as have abandoned the physical garment and have ascended to the spiritual world.
O my Lord! Purify them their trespasses, dispel their sorrows, and change their darkness into light. Cause them to enter the garden of happiness, cleanse them with the most pure water, and grant them to behold Thy splendors on the loftiest mount. -- Àbdu´l-Bahá
I might be in the middle of some task when something makes me think of a loved one, so I stop and say this prayer for them. I also set aside time on Sunday morning to pray for my mom and dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers who were significant in teaching and guiding me, friends, etc and pray for them. I like thinking of them, thanking them in my thoughts and then being able to pray for them as a way of saying "Thank You!" It'a something I can do and I don't feel quite so separated. And I know I will see them again once it is my turn to leave this world. It takes away any fear of that event. And every now and then when something happens in my life that makes me think of them, it's like a tap on the shoulder or an "Ahem!" to get my attention. I remember them and thank them. Having something I can do for them helps reduce the sense of loss. I hope something like this helps you, too.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
tyvm...I'm sorry for your loss, too, Johnny.
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sorry for your loss of both parents and sorry that you had to watch them in pain.  That was a fault of the hospital/NH/hospice.  Now........it sounds like you are deeply depressed and you should find a good therapist/counselor to help you.  Even with this virus I am sure you can get in with someone by wearing a mask or by a zoom session.  I see on Dr. Phil that they have Dr on Demand.......not sure how that works, but you could do it from home, etc.  But yes, anyone that passes is no longer in pain, but those living afterwards still feel the pain of the loss.  Take each day as it comes.  My father passes in May and my mother has his picture on her stereo and talks to him each night.  I don't know if talking to them with a picture close by would help or not.  If that makes you too upset, then try something else.  Please find someone to speak with about your depression and take each day as it comes.  Not knowing your beliefs but speak to God also.  I wish you luck and peace.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
tyvm
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I'm so very sorry. There is no fast route through grief. Think of it this way, we grieve as much as we loved. Find support from those you trust, who will let you be sad or mad or however you are feeling, without judgment or trying to "fix" it. Most people are truly trying to be helpful, although they don't always get it right. Be good to yourself, acknowledge your pain, and know you are not alone. Tomorrow will be 14 years since my Mom died, in the care of hospice in her home and I too was with her until her last breath. PTSD is how I describe it as well. All our feelings are normal and OK! We never get over grief, we just eventually have days where it's not quite as difficult. I wish you well, I wish you peace and comfort, and I wish you to be surrounded by love as you have loved your parents.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
ty Bren.
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Billiegoat: I am so very sorry for the loss of both your parents in a 2 year period. Deep condolences and many prayers for comfort sent to you.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
Thank you, Llamalover47...you are kind.
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My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. I lost my mom on September 20 and it has been hard. I wake up crying and at times I feel like it is not real. She was 96 years old. I am thankful that I had for so many years. I am going to pray for you. I do feel an emptiness. I love my mother so much. What I have noticed that I do is talk in the present tense. I guess that gives me comfort. Please know that you are not alone. I know it seems like it. Please know that you have a supportive group here. God is watching over you. I know He is. At times I found myself that my faith weakens but that was when I pray even more. Please keep in mind that I will pray for you everyday. Talk to someone a professional in grief counseling. I have a friend who is a counselor and I shared my feelings with her and it was a help. May God watch over you and give you the strength and peace. It is okay to cry and there is no timeline. That’s what I was counseled. Every one is different in their time of grief.
with love and prayers to you.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
Thank you so much Msvegan. You are very understanding and kind. I'm sorry for your loss, too. It's unreal.
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Oh! And I am so very sorry for your losses and sorrow.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
ty Tryingmybest. Appreciate the advice.
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A friend of mine lost her elderly parents who she was devoted to. Her grief was profound but she found comfort in "talking" to them. She told me she would just talk outloud as if they were in the room when she missed them, she believed their spirits could hear her.

I thought that was a bit odd, my jury is out on an afterlife or spirits so I just smiled and said I was glad that gave her comfort.

My own Dad passed last Sept. my Mom is in hospice right now and guess what?I find myself talking to my Dad quite often and it helps me. I feel close to him when I do. I still don't know what I believe regarding the spirit world or afterlife but I do belive that love has power and is a mysterious force. My relationship with my Dad and Mom has been fraught my whole life but we love/loved each other as best we could.

I am sure this would not be a comfort for a lot of people but it is for me. I'm just going to keep talking and not question why it helps. Just wanted to share that.
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Sasha17 Nov 6, 2020
I could feel my mother's presence strongly after she died, especially when I was entering that fuzzy almost-asleep state. It gave me comfort to feel her close to me whether it was "real" or not.

My brother figured she was dancing among the stars so he would "talk" to her outside at night. That was his way to find comfort. Another brother is very religious. That was his way to find comfort.

With the exception of abusing alcohol or drugs to numb the pain, whatever gives the griever comfort in that terrible initial period of profound grief is right for the person, whether it's "real" or not.
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It takes time my dad in oct of 2017 and my mom pass injan of 2018.I don't regret anything I done for them. My dad was loved by all us and my mom too.Please take time for your self and talk to a Grief counselr
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
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In my case, my Dad was perfectly healthy one day and dead the next. He was my preferred parent and we had a good relationship. Grief is extraordinarily painful and it does not follow a straight line. It comes in waves but it always there. Early in the process I used to pray to God to get me through the next ten minutes. I don't do that so much anymore. Twenty years after my Dad died, I was brought to my knees in tears when I was at a public event that I knew he would have loved. Thirty years later I still cry remembering that day. But there have also been many good days when I remember something we did together or something he said. Covid AND grief is a huge struggle. Grief doesn't go away but your ability to handle it gets better with time. At some point, the good memories will outweigh the grief but you're always going to miss the people you love and who loved your. So very sorry for your loss.
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First off, I want to say I am going thru the same thing. My mother passed away 2 years ago. I know how your feeling, and I wish I had an answer or quick remedy.
Grieving is a process. And there are no set time limits on how long the process will take. There are online support groups. I belong to one on Facebook and it helps to have the support of people who are going thru it too. It also helps when new members join and you can give them support as well.
When my mother passed, there was so much unnecessary hurt caused by my stepfather. So on top of grieving my mother, I was fighting with my stepfather to honor her wishes. He would not allow us to have any part of her final arrangements, and he scattered her ashes out of state without our knowledge. We were thisclose to my mother and she would have been furious if she knew what he had/has done.
So, be thankful you were able to be with your parents at the end. I know it must have been so difficult for you. Your parents knew you were there, even if they were unable to let you know. I know this because I died for 3.5 minutes and saw everything that happened in the ambulance during that time.
I plan to plant a garden in my parents memory with a cement bench as soon as I relocate.
Lacy's response is like so many who have told me to get over it. Move on. She lived a full life and on and on.
Right now you are in shock. Your dads diagnosis was too late and it was the same with my mom. So, I am having a hard time with anger at all that could have found it earlier had they taken her more seriously. You may go thru that and it is normal.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing your parents can be the worst loss one faces.
Just take it one day at a time and it will get easier.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
I'm so sorry for your loss, too. It just is unreal. I feel for you, too and appreciate that you understand what I'm going through. There's nothing harder. The depression is almost overwhelming. I wish you a happy future. Thank you for your kind response.
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Billiegoat,
I am sorry for you having to go through the death of both parents in such a short time. I think your still grieving over your mom's death making it that much harder for you to deal with your dad's death. Please get some help to help you with the loss of both parent-the grieving process.

Lots of hugs going your way!!!
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
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Dear billie, there's always someone isn't there. The comments from lacyisland are certainly insensitive at best. I, too, am sorry for your double loss in such a short time. You're right, statements like “ "well, they are together now and no more pain for either one of them"  , or “they're in a better place” don't help much in recovering from the loss. Statements like these are made by friends and family that just don't know what to say or how to comfort you. They mean well so accept them in that light. Your parents may well be in heaven but you're not. You still have a life to live here on earth. Your stuck here with new found loneliness, possibly some guilt in thinking you didn't do enough, and, of course, grief. You haven't recovered from the loss of your mom and then this was put on you. And you said the passage of time didn't help you. It doesn't. Someone can sit on the couch for 10 years after a LOs death and still feel the grip of grief. To get thru it takes a choice on your part. The decision to take action. The decision to seek help in grief support groups, professional counseling, continuing to do the things you enjoy, maintaining or reestablishing friendships, talking to you pastor (many have connections to grief counselors), and reading books, there are many, on overcoming grief. “The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving” , “How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies” and “Getting to the Other Side of Grief” are three. You can eventually recover from these losses. It'll take time and you have to choose to do it. I wish you luck, Billie.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
ty sjplegacy. lacyisland's comments sure didn't help but maybe that was their point in writing such a nasty comment. I will pray for that person as they obviously need it. Thank you for your kindness and understanding.
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Condolences for your loss. Nothing can replace parents. You will never forget them and will carry them in your heart forever. Be kind to yourself and try to do things that give you pleasure and stimulate your mind. Keep busy. Get grief counseling from a professional. It's difficult in this time of pandemic, but try to be creative about finding things to do that you enjoy. I find that if I do things for other people it makes me feel better. Would volunteering for something be good for you? Your parents would want you to have a good life. Try to make it so.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
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I understand your lingering pain. My parent was murdered 43 years ago. Each detail of that stays with me 24/7. Time has not changed the emptiness nor has it made it any easier. Then this summer my youngest sibling became septic from a kidney (or some other infection that infected his kidneys). He was held up in a rural hospital-doctor that did not have a specialist nor the proper equipment to help him. It took 4 days of arguing with the dr to get him moved to a bigger, more equipped hospital. He was immediately seen by a nephrologist and put on 24 hr dialysis, however I will always believe things could have been turned around had he received the appropriate treatment upon arrival when the kidney function problem and sepsis identified. I already feel the every day dread, longing for him, and know this will go on for the long haul.

I'm sure this creates a form of depression, but I also cannot accept living on medications. What I have learned is that I never tell people it will get easier, time heals, or they are in a better place. Neither of them is in a better place for me and I just can't say those words to someone else. To deal with it from day to day, I have (over the years) been able to talk about my dad so I feel that is a good thing. I'm starting over on that process where my brother is concerned.

For you, it might help to talk to your minister or even a professional in the field of psychiatry. If you're open to try meds for depression, then try it. If it helps - great. If it doesn't you can always stop. I am sending big hugs your way and hoping that you find peace or given advice that will help you deal with the pain. I am so sorry for your pain.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
I am so sorry for your loss, my2cents. I understand the pain you are going through...day after day. I'm so very sorry.
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You may not have been serious when you said you had PTSD from your mom's death but it is very likely that you actually do. PLEASE find someone to help you. It can be treated. If you are a veteran, start with veteran services. If you are not, contact your primary care and ask for a referral. Don't suffer.

I'm sorry for your loss.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
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Hello Billiegoat, so sorry for recent loss of your father and the loss of your mother in 2018. You are going through a very difficult time in your life and I know it is extremely difficult. I would suggest getting into grief counciling. It helped my niece a lot, she lost both of her parents at a young age. You lost both your parents so close in time, I am so sorry for your great loss. Please get into therapy, join a support group, reach out to family or friends. Come here anytime and reach out to us. Sending thoughts and prayers and a big hug to you.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
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Im sorry you are suffering. Having both parents die is very traumatic. I feel your pain. You feel lost and hollow. You lost them close together, so you didn't get a chance to grieve 1 and had to start grieving another.
You should make an appointment with a psychiatrist. You are definitely suffering from depression. Dont go to your regular doctor. They can way under medicate, It won't do anything bc it is too low. I had that happen. So a psychiatrist is important. You can probably do it online too, and not even have to leave your house. There is no shame in needing help. After all you've been thru, it is quite understandable.
Life can get better. Be kind to yourself. It will get better. If you can, force yourself to do some kind of exercise. You are going to have to do that. Even if you can only do 5 minutes. That can really help too. It could be walking for 5 minutes out in the sun, or sitting outside and watching the birds. Put on your favorite uplifting music. Music can change a mood immediately. Try to reach out to friends. You have got to try to get out of your head. Or watching a good movie bc you cant get off the couch. Its something. Anything.
I got a puppy, bc they need you. They force you to get out of bed, and out of your head. I was 2 yrs out from my last parent dying tho. You can't be sad with a puppy. Altho thats not for everyone.
And if you have a bad day and can't get out of bed, or only to the couch, dont beat yourself up over it. You will have good days and bad days. See if you can find a support group. Maybe they have those online too. Be kind to yourself. It is going to take time.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
ty Jasmina
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Of course you are in shock and experiencing PTSD. Your father's death is another trauma while you were still trying to cope with your mother's death. Give yourself whatever time you need to adjust. There is no "should" in grief recovery.

If you can find a support group where others will listen or a willing individual listener, share your story about both your mother's and your father's deaths. The more often you express your feelings, the better you will be able to live with them.

If you cannot find anyone to talk to, start writing down how you are feeling. Put it on paper. Write about how you are really feeling. You do not need to keep it or show it to anyone, but it helps a lot to get the feelings out in tangible form.

Don't chastise yourself for how you feel. There is no "should" in grief recovery.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
tyvm. I so appreciate your advice.
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Did you read what you wrote? You just want to be with your parents. They are gone you knew they were not going to live forever.

As far as isolated during pandemic. there is social distancing. Go talk to your clergy, If you have children ask them for a little support.

You suffer from PTSD after a 13 day event? You want to be with your parents?
I urge to find a good therapist. Im not a therapist but if your parents were married 60 years that would have put them in their 80s when they died. That would put you at least in your 40s if not older. Your are a grown adult that has lived for a number of years and have seen lifes circle. You should not be feeling this way.

get some help
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Shikkaba Nov 6, 2020
You do NOT have the right to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't be feeling.

PTSD comes from experiencing a traumatic event. There is no limit on length of time of said event. If OP was extremely close to their mother and doesn't handle death well, there is absolutely no reason why sitting with their mother in extreme pain they could not fix and dying wouldn't be a traumatic event.

Feeling alone in a pandemic when we are encouraged to social distance is very much a valid feeling. Calling and seeing without physical contact is extremely lonely for many people. I feel the same thing they do.

It would be a good idea for them to get therapy of some sort. However, please do not talk to them as if what they are feeling is not valid because they are an adult. Being an adult is not the same for everyone, and experiences are not black and white.
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Your are grieving both parents. The first loss was excruciating and the second added to your pain. Please, please, please see a counsellor as well as joining a grief group like GriefShare. Isolation is not going to help you on this journey, but connecting with caring people can help.

Please also see a psychiatrist. You have all the symptoms of depression. Depression is the common cold of mental health since so many people experience this mental health issue. It can be treated with medication and therapy. PLEASE DO NOY DELAY.
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I'm so sorry for your losses. The price of love is grief, and you never "get over" the losses, but they become a part of who you are. You learn to accept their deaths as a part of life. I lost both of my parents, and losing mom was very hard since I never been apart from her since the day I was born. I cared for mom for 15 years, and her Alzheimer's became so severe she forgot how to eat, drink, and walk. But she was bedridden for 3 months and a feeding tube kept her comfortable, and she died of other natural causes not related to Alzheimer's.

Your parents are gone and they are never coming back. You have to give yourself time to mourn, go through the paperwork as death is a business, and do not use the pandemic as an excuse to isolate yourself.

You either have to cope, or you will crack up. Those are your choices. If you crack up you parents will still never come back, and you will have to deal with medical bills of a breakdown. If you are not retired, you need to get a job and make that a top priority. The bills keep on coming in. If you cannot cope you will need to seek medical help from a doctor or local mental-health center.

And if you are not retired you better get yourself a job fast. Life is expensive.
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So sorry for your loss.
First, you need more time for your loss. I had a very close sister thst I took care of tge ladt 3 months of her life with cancer who died in my bed that I gave up for her because she wasn't able to climb stairs and even tho it's been 6 yrs I think about her all the time but the pain and sadness will get less over time. Then you'll still think about them but you won't have to cry when you do.
I would suggest contacting and going to Grief Counciling.
Wear a mask and Social Distance and start getting out seeing an old friend or make a new friend.
Go outside and get some Sunshine and Fresh Air by taking a walk in nature.
If you don't have a dog, consider adopting one so you'll have someone to give your love to.
Nothing worse than being alone.
If adopting scares you, just try taking care of one while they look for a forever home snd that forever home may just end up being your home.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
ty bevthegreat. (My beloved mom's name was "Bev" so you are obviously a wonderful person.) :)
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I am so very sorry for your losses. Time will heal as years go on. I lost both parents in ten months due to terminal illnesses. I was also their caretaker. Birthdays are still this year, one this week. Soon going on five years; scenarios you mentioned are similar.

All I can say is always remember and it's not easy, especially with our world and how it has changed so much and still will change. No matter what you do, the scenario will not change. I am single, no children/spouse. Think about what they would have wanted for you and when you do this you will feel better. No counselor will bring them back. No magic pill will do this for you. Perhaps, continue to have faith in something higher whether that is a formal grouping (of course we have covid...so that may be limited)...or even your own time to reflect. I strongly believe in my religion but realize others have their own ways to cope.

As I get older, people change interests. You lose relatives and friends--and you retire---younger generations may not even care about you or just want what you can give and its sad. This may be a time to rely on yourself and friendships you made/make and in covid this can even be virtual. Take care of your health--physical and spiritual and stay safe. My best advise here is to reflect and remember good times and that you were loved. I hope this helps. It also helped me here.

As an aside, you know people will likely need to change direction with our new government, and many will find the need to move out of their states to a whole new life and it's scary especially if you are at retirement age. With the new healthcare proposed we may lose our doctors, hospitals, our neighborhoods may not be safe anymore and we need to move...far to avoid violence in cities...so change is apparently a part of life and I didn't realize it would come to us as we got older--never did I think this way. Do what is best for you and at minimum think about where you live and if you may need to move...perhaps and spend time sorting/clearing, etc. and getting things together. This will help you as well. Pick up a hobby, but don't ever forget the great times that you had with your family and how you helped them and how you were loved and no one can take those memories.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
ty Marja0214...I'm so sorry for your losses, too. I know how hard it is when birthdays come around. My sincerely condolences.
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I'm sorry for the passing of your parents. Loss of parents is so very hard, especially when so close together. I hope you can find a grief support group or some other group of folks to get together with regularly. Sometimes a listening ear can be the best thing.
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
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I am in your shoes. My dad died of pancreatic cancer may of 2019. I just lost my mom from believe it or not, undiagnosed sepsis that was cured before she got encephalopathy. She died on Tuesday. It is all so hard to process. They both died at 71. So young. No advice but knowing they are both out of pain and that this is then natural order of life is helping me. ❤️🙏🏼
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Billiegoat Nov 9, 2020
I'm so sorry for your losses...so very sorry.
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I’m very sorry you are going through this. There are professionals that specialize in ptsd. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. My insurance pays for Dr. on demand, and I can use them for various Dr. sessions over the phone which makes it a lot easier. Wishing you the best
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