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I have two brothers. My mother consistently lies in any situation where she feels it best to protect my younger brother. My older brother has had nothing to do for her for the last forty years. My father is in too poor of health to confront her, even though in the past he never allowed her lying.


At this point, I have had enough as she is denying a pledge of a financial nature (verbal only as I felt it not necessary to get it in writing because at the end of the day four years ago, she was still my mother. At this point, I feel she is no longer that person.) She is now calling me a lying son of a gun! I have suggested we both take lie detector tests to help resolve the difference of opinion, but to no avail.


Any suggestions?

Now that you have clarified that you want to stay attached to your dad, my suggestion is to separate them. Another of my friends did this with her mom & dad who were oil and water. Mom was always bullying her dad and he was miserable but would not admit it. He'd just hang his head.

If your dad is competent, you can talk to him about giving you his POA so that he can go live in your area at an assisted living where he can have his own life. He would be out of the line of fire, and you can visit more frequently. This would involve a trip to an atty - possibly the one that your parents use, but only if he mainains confidentiality for your dad's planning. He may need to pull his half of liquid assets to another account. He will need to be in agreement, so maybe you need to take him "to the barber" for a special outing when you can actually talk to him without mom around. My advice is still to ditch mom.

You will not be in any danger of being charged with neglect of your mother by anyone if your brother lives next door. She can call him just as well as she can call you.
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I'm sure it's hurtful that she is favoring your brother. Life isn't fair, no doubt about it.

So, you need to come up with a plan for how to make sure your dad is being properly taken care of, without letting your mom get to you. I guess you can practice letting what she says go in one ear and out the other. Deep breathing, etc. etc.

Will your brother help at ALL? Maybe you can make another plan for how to calmly see if he can do anything useful? Does your dad have any outside caregivers or assistance of any sort? If not, is that a possibility, to help reduce exposure to your mom?
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My mother lies about anything and everything! Like you would get so upset about it especially when it came to finances. I would try to trick her up to catch her, than I realize, "what was the point?" Did I want her to say, "Yes, I did it!"? Did I want her to learn to stop lying to me for good? I always knew she was lying, so I asked myself, what was I more mad about that she lied about what she did or didn't do, or the fact that I felt that she was insulting my intelligence? I don't like her lying moreover, I couldn't stand the fact of her thinking I was so dumb that I would believe her!

Here is my point: I was wasting my time and energy on something that wasn't going to change!
Prehaps by trying to get your mom to take a lie detector might be a waste of your time and energy. Her lying could be a symptom of a much bigger problem. I found that I was focus on the wrong thing! My mother was dx with vascular dementia the real problem. Now, she lies I just say, "ok," and move on with whatever I have to do. This is my new normal!

Get your mom tested for dementia.

Good Luck!
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If she's denying a financial pledge, that sounds like she said she'd do something like pay for your daughter's college - actually what has happened with one of my best buddies here locally. There's nothing you can do or say to get her to follow through. She was likely manipulating you at the time she made the pledge.

You see how your older brother has flown the coop - he's probably been treated this way himself. If she favors the younger one so much, why not let him have the full force of her dementia and abuse? Money is probably not worth the emotional toil. Been there, done that.
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Reddhorse Jan 8, 2019
Appreciate your words of wisdom. If I weren't concerned about my 87 year old Father who is living with her, I'd grant her wish and let my younger brother help. Unfortunately he lives next door to them (300 feet away in a small town) and is too busy for them.

My biggest issue......I need to be there for Dad, who has legitimate heart issues and constant medical treatment.
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Well, if it's a way of life, then, it is what it is. I guess you just have to accept it and expect it. And do what you can to protect yourself from it. At her age, I would expect that the problem is at least somewhat increased due to some level of cognitive decline.

So, what are you hoping to accomplish? Getting her to admit she's lying? I kind of doubt that will happen. You KNOW she's lying, whether she's going to fess up or not. I think it would be less stressful to not expect the truth, especially at this late date. Just, nod and smile and don't let it get to you too much.
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Reddhorse Jan 8, 2019
I really appreciate your response, which is where I need to go. Lying has always been a way of life for her, and we have all knew it. What really hurts this time as she is making it clear that she is acting in favor of my younger brother, and I'm finding that hard to accept.

Your advice is where I need to go......which is think it becoming better rather than bitter.
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JoAnn29

Your comments are spot on relative to my mother. Thank you!

However, she has volunteered on her own that she will never be evaluated for Dementia.

Any suggestions on how to get her evaluated? I don't think she will do it unless she thinks she can game the system for financial gain.
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lealonnie1 Jan 8, 2019
I got my mother evaluated for dementia the last time she was hospitalized. She didn't even realize what was happening. It's just a series of questions she will be asked, and to draw a picture of a clock.
I can sympathize with you about the lying. It's awful. My 92 year old mother has been a compulsive liar her whole life. My dad used to stick up for her when he was alive, saying "oh she's not really lying, just fibbing." Um, what's the difference???? My husband was just saying earlier today that she's SUCH a liar she doesn't even know WHAT the truth is anymore. It can't be fixed, just recognized and dealt with as best as possible. Sending you a hug.
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She is 85. At times she is forgetful, but almost always it is when she doing so works to whatever position she is advocating.
She is one of nine children raised during the Depression, and amongst her four sisters, lying was a way of life to get by. All of her brothers were straight forward and honest. Her father was an alcoholic, but well liked by all who knew him. Her mother was a good human being who passed away due to being worn out in her early sixties.
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Has Mom been this way all her life? If so, its a mental thing. My MIl was like this all her life. She got away with it with new people but family knew it. She also lied to get out of situations she had gotten herself into or didn't want to do.

If this is new, she needs to be evaluated for Dementia.
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How old is your mother? Does she have dementia? If she is of sound mind, then the suggestions will be much different.
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