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He lives with us. He is 84 widowed for 4 years, met her at church, 3x divorced. Has spent over 500K on this woman in the last year. Home, trips, credit card, etc. He and my husband have had several arguments haven't spoken in a month. He knows it's not appropriate, doesn't care. Doesn't care he is burning through his life savings. His expectation is we will pickup the pieces if he doesn't have any money. Our retirement plan did not included supporting 84 year old fool and his girl friend.

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Your husband may want to run a credit check on FIL to make sure he didn't open any credit cards with her or cosign any loans, which leaves him on the hook when (not if) she defaults. A credit freeze would probably be a good idea too, especially if she has gotten his ss#. Wonder whose name the utilities are in at the house? Hers or his. Many questions that need answering and clearing up. Does she have a Facebook account you can view? May have some good info for you there too. Do you have any relatives or close friends in law enforcement that can run a check on her? Next option is a private detective. Much information on the internet is at your fingertips, just need to learn to dig for free.
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Reply to Takincare
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VictoriaD. This happens so often. There is nothing you and your husband can do to stop him from blowing all his money on this bimbo. But you can distance yourself from the chaos by not enabling him. That means, HE MUST LEAVE YOUR HOME. If he and your husband are not talking to each other b/c of this situation, he has already severed the ties for a father/son relationship. If grandpa wants to feel young again, he needs to be out on his own. Right now he's got the best of both worlds. Why change?

Actually, having him move in with you in the first place sounds like a huge mistake. The man has no respect for your feelings or circumstances. Better to nip it in the bud now than later when he's disabled and you two are full time caregivers to him. You were very caring and generous to offer your home. He is the abusive party in this picture.
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I thought of this post today, after I heard a very younger man flirting with an elderly woman. Having lunch my first assumption was son/mom. That soon became clear it wasn’t the case. It was my nosiness that alerted bc he was discussing travel plans on her phone that she wasn’t wanting to pay for. He insisted and before long he took her phone from her and finalized flights. Please be careful there are wolves out there. His excitement was obvious when her told her we are traveling every month but August “my love”. Ik ik MMOB
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disgustedtoo Aug 2, 2019
HAH! A head of department for a second part-time job I held years ago told me she knew what my problem was - that I needed a man!!! I turned to look at her (I was divorced, raising two kids pretty much alone) and said Yeah and I need another hole in my head too.

There are some real gems in the world, but there are too many faux ones who can on some level "pass" as the real thing, until after they wrangle their way into your life and take over, then their falseness shines through when it is too late!!!!
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Is this house in his name or hers? If hers, he really screwed the pooch.

Either way I would tell him to move into that house. He bought it, who cares what anyone thinks about "living" with her. I bet if the house is in her name she won't want him there - perhaps that might be the light needed...

Does he go there to "visit" her? When he does, box up his belongings and deposit them outside the house and change your locks. Not so subtle hint...

Getting a background check on this "chick" might be a good idea. IF she has a record or is a known elder abuser, you might be able to have charges brought - of course he could be the monkey wrench, saying he WANTS to do these things for her. It is a dicey situation.

As for the rest of the issues, unless he is declared incompetent, he is free to spend whatever he has on whatever he wants, good bad or otherwise. Hubby (with you as backup?) needs to make it clear that you do NOT approve of his behavior, this woman or with him living in your home and demand that he make other arrangements as this is not what you all agreed to. He wants to be "free", then GO be free somewhere else. You are afraid of how living with her looks? Get an apartment. We signed on to help you and care for you, not you and some bimbo.

Although you are in a filial law state, for the most part not too many enforce the laws (yet), and they usually take into account whether someone can afford to pay. If you are retired and on fixed income, they are not likely to impoverish you to pay for his care. I WOULD consult with an EC attorney, to protect yourselves and your own assets (set up trust for any liquid assets, put house into living trust), then you have nothing they (state, Medi-Cal, bimbo or FIL)can bleed from you.

Medicaid (or in your case Medi-Cal) can do the lookback - according to online, they are looking for people who give their assets away to their family, so as to avoid having to pay for care AND being able to leave family with early inheritance. In this case, she isn't family and family is not benefiting, so he may or may not qualify - during your consult with EC attorney, you could inquire about how this would be handled. Perhaps this attorney might be able to knock some sense into his head (whichever one he is currently thinking with!)

I would also ask him if it is inappropriate to live with this woman, how appropriate is it for someone to spend their life savings on someone they barely know, however "young" she makes him feel and how INAPPROPRIATE it is to blow all this on someone who is not family, but then expect family to pick up the pieces when you've spent it all and she takes off!!
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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VictoriaD, just curious how did your Dad-in-law pay for the $400k house. Did he write a check, or did he obtain a mortgage?
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Reply to freqflyer
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"Dad, While you are Residing under our Roof, You shall have to Abide by what we say or Find another Roof." That ill end this Spend....
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2, 2019
Great answer! Dad won’t think so, but hey...they have a right to voice this opinion to their dad. I like this suggestion a lot!
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This lady is a "sweetheart scammer." Best to hire an elder estate lawyer.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Tell him that he will be going to a nursing home if he gets sick because you’re not taking care of him. That money could have paid for a nice assistant living home for 8 years or in home help. Someone his age is going to need care soon.
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I agree with the other posters here who've suggested you do a background check on her. Also make sure to throw out any credit card applications that come in the mail and if he carries a lot of credit cards you should cut some up. Better to ask for forgiveness later than permission in first. No doubt the woman will have been through his wallet and she already may have gotten credit cards issued in her name. The next thing you can do is to let his bank know that you think he's at risk of being defrauded. It's important for them to know this even if you aren't able to make any changes to his accounts. This situation is no different from men and women who are getting bilked online by fake boyfriends and girlfriends (most based in Europe and West Africa) who earn the trust of lonely people and then bleed them dry. Finally here is a link to a story from the New York Times about romance scams being perpetrated by strangers who friend older people on Facebook. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/01/technology/facebook-military-romance-scam.html?action=click&module=Well&pgtype=Homepage§ion=Technology
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Reply to Violet521
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All $$$ he gives/spends on crook gf will be considered gift & will penalize him if he needs Medicaid NH ...his son should really have him declared mentally incompetent & take over $$$ with POA ...have son go to elder law attorney. Also he should file police report & have woman arrested.
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She has been divorced 3 times? That's a big red flag right there!
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freqflyer Aug 2, 2019
Not in today's world. Look at the late Elizabeth Taylor, Zsa Zsa Gábor, Lana Turner, Mickey Rooney, Larry King, they all had 8 marriages. Others with multi marriages, Tony Curtis, Rue McClanahan [from Golden Girls], Clark Gable, dancer Ginger Rogers, singer Kenny Rogers, Cary Grant, Rita Hayworth, Doris Day, Frank Sinatra, and the list goes on and on.
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First, unless he is found incompetent, there is nothing anyone can do. What you can tell him, but it won't do any good, is that when his money is gone, and it will be, he is on his own. HE CANNOT LIVE WITH THE FAMILY AND THE FAMILY WILL NOT SUPPORT HIM OR CARE FOR HIM - HE IS ON HIS OWN, PROBABLY THE STREET. And be strong enough when the time comes, don't do it. Walk away. What you sow is what you reap - tell him. Also ask an attorney and the professionals who are involved with aging people and ask for advice. In the meantime, you and your husband and family do what you all can do to remain close. Cases like this you cannot win with this stupid old people - but you can keep YOUR family together and protected. This idiot must be told, and also in writing, he is on his own - and make sure that happens. He'll end up in some facility without your help. Good luck.
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AT1234 Aug 1, 2019
I thought he lived with them now?
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As a widow who has paid for a (similar age) man to accompany me on cruises when none of my children or grandchildren wanted to do so, I know how devastating living alone for the first time in your life can be. This father knows what he is doing, and if his new companion makes him happy, just let him alone. Unless you are prepared to spend as much time and effort with your father as she does.
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AT1234 Aug 1, 2019
Do you live with your children? He does.
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I'm a Late Middle-Age physician who has been too Cynical to settle down. 500K?!? I would give him a good supply of Viagra (if not contraindicated-and if he even needs it) and send him to the Mustang Ranch in Nevada! I doubt that even President Trump spends that much on casual "friends."
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 1, 2019
Doc,

Too funny 😂!!! I love your wicked sense of humor.
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I don't think the issue is whether or not he has found a new woman in his life. It is more a matter of him blowing through all his money and then expecting someone (children) to be there to pick up the pieces when the money is gone. My ex divorced me after 38 years of marriage. He blew through a million dollar inheritance from his uncle taking his "soul mate" ( 23 years younger than him, married with 2 boys) and her children on trips, going to theater, buying her and her family expensive gifts. He now has no money and wonders aloud what will happen to him when he is older (he is 78 now!). My son and granddaughter have made it clear that I will always have a home with them but they never say that about their (Grand)dad.
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Reply to dazednconfused
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Start charging him yo Dollar for living in your home, or tell him to move in with his girlfriend that he's supporting and see how long that last
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AT1234 Aug 1, 2019
Retroactive rent.
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There is nothing you can do if your Dad is “competent.” My Dad married a foreign national from Kenya at age 81, she was 48. She had been in the US since 14 YO and had a masters at tax payer expense. By the time we convinced him to divorce her, she and her family took him for a couple hundred thousand. Divorce cost another $35k, $40k in maintenance, and $22k in dividends from his retirement because there was no pre-nump. Infatuation at that age can be very costly to the whole family. It was a nightmare!
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Reply to Kathymoore55
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It is his money to do as he pleases. However, when the time comes ... and he needs care, well, that's what nursing homes are for. You are NOT responsible for his girlfriend !!
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Get your local Adult Protective Services on her. They might be able to scare her off with threats of prosecution for elder financial abuse. Has your dad had his cognitive skills tested?
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She will most likely leave when the money is gone. It will be too late then. This is very sad all around. Maybe you could start preparing to put him on medicaid. If he is a vet, look for a a veteran home where he could stay when the time comes. I wouldn't let him stay with me, no way.
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Reply to Isabelsdaughter
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I would definitely do a background check on the woman he’s involved with to see if she’s done this before. People can be into this kind of con game.
You never answered the question of why he’s living with you in the first place. But I guess that’s none of our business. Show these answers to your husband. The two of you need to be on the same page about moving dad out into his own place.
You aren’t responsible for him and before you get yourself in even deeper you need to evict him. Come back and tell us how you’ve handled this.
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My situation is with a 85 year old woman that appears to believe she is in love with a 39 year old married man. I recently found out she's given him over $60,000 plus items he's
sold or pawned. In addition, she changed her will to leave him her house when she died.

Unfortunately I illegally have no options because she gives him permission to do these things and is questionabley of sound mind. What money she has left is not in my control. This is called exploitation, but because she begs to do what she wants too, I can't stop it. Help
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Lymie61 Aug 1, 2019
If she is "questionably of sound mind" you might quickly move on that. Contact her doctor and tell them your concerns, if you aren't listed on HIPPA it will just be you informing them but if no family members have a legal in or standing the doctor is the only one who might right now. Also see an attorney who specializes in Elder Law and or state officials who can help you navigate this, maybe. It isn't an unusual story but a warning, if your concern seems to be more about you or inheritance it will weaken your position with the people who might help and if she is of "sound mind" she has every right to be stupid with her money. You also have every right and reason to be clear about how much slack are able to pick up in the future if the money runs out. Her begging can't be the deciding factor for you, hard as that might be, it's establishing a bad precedent.
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Check with the police if you can file on her for scamming him or maybe get a restraining order. She might have done this before. Check her background. No way is that woman with him for anything but his money and I do believe she could get in trouble for scamming him.
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The Clergy also expect a certain accountability by their church members.
Recall how Jackie Kennedy had to get permission to remarry in the Catholic church? Every church is different.
Does the church lady tithe on the $6,000 per month income?
If FIL is thinking it "inappropriate" to move in with his church lady friend, and they are members....bringing this buying her a house to the pastor's attention may bring some type of accountability that FIL will acknowledge, or, what is the terminology used? Be excommunicated?

Disclaimer:
No matter what any of us believe, accountability exists, and it still exists in the church. I know I have said too much, please don't shoot the messenger.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 31, 2019
True.
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I was just thinking...

Pastors must hear all kinds of things. I’m sure they have heard it all, huh? Surely, they offer prayer and support and in some cases, practical advice or solutions to help. Not always, though.

Let’s hope her pastor has experience, education, training for dealing with life situations and compassion for her.

I know a friend of mine who went to her pastor about a particular family matter, her husband committed suicide in their home (over money issues) and their eight year old daughter found him. It was awful. The pastor at her church told her that he was not qualified to help her, nor did he have the time to counsel her. He told her to seek professional help with a psychiatrist, so she and her child went to a family therapist.

I guess it depends on the pastor. Some churches have pastors that don’t even have a theology degree, let alone any other degrees or training.
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Get your husband to apply for financial POA and if necessary guardianship - clearly FIL is not in his right mind so go the incompetent route - hard but if tey don't agree then they are going to be agreeing state will provide care because you really must not.
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VictoriaD, I've just been staring at the screen at your reply that FIL has not moved in to the $400K house he bought for g/f because "it wouldn't be appropriate."

😶

But. Does he mean because "it would be too public"? Does he imagine that he and she are not already a topic of considerable interest in his community? I think I agree with SendHelp, that asking his church's pastor for guidance might be productive.
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She has a ‘sugar daddy’! My FIL was sugar daddy to a woman for 25 years! For some reason it makes them feel important but in reality they are being used.

The first time we heard my FIL call her by the pet name he called my sweet MIL, we wanted to throw up.

My FIL was down right cheap before being with her. Didn’t spend a penny more than he had to. She came along and he emptied his pockets.

MIL didn’t even have a housekeeper when she was dying from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He was too cheap! I cleaned for her. But he hired a housekeeper for her. Sickening!

Oh wait, he was very frugal with grocery shopping. She comes along and buying organic everything. That is, produce for salad, she made it clear that she wasn’t going to cook. They ate out all the time.

It’s so interesting to see a true character change in some men when this happens after being with women like this.

Thank God he saved money for assisted living because he sure as hell isn’t going to be staying with us.

We have my mom living here now. One parent is enough. Plus mom has always been in our lives. She is deserving.

He checked out of our lives to be with her. Glad he found a place to live. If money runs out at the ALF, oh well...My husband already said that he would not be willing to take him in even if my mom wasn’t here.
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lealonnie1 Jul 30, 2019
My parents were married for 68 years. A couple of days after dad died, a man in the ALF rolled up to my mother and asked her if she'd like to go on a cruise with him. She was a blushing young girl again at the age of 88, all giggly and batting her eyes, telling everyone who'd listen that she was Invited On a Cruise. It was like she'd forgotten all about what just transpired in the hospital bed in her apartment, watching her husband take his last breaths. It was all I could do not to strangle her right then and there. She was showing not one ounce of respect for my father or his memory and boy howdy, that pissed me off BIG time. She had some nerve!! Then I realized something......it was THEIR marriage and THEIR business, not mine. My father's memory would be respected and kept alive in MY heart and mind forever. How my mother chose to comport, or not comport, herself was HER issue.....much as your father in law's behavior belonged and belongs to HIM. You dwelling on this situation isn't going to change anything...whats done is done and its all on HIM. Your mother in law will always be alive in your heart forever, as it should be, and that's all that counts.
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Happens all the time with widows and widowers. So sorry. Same thing happened in our family. My FIL connected with someone immediately after my sweet MIL’s death. She wasn’t even a ‘younger’ woman. She was near his age.

FIL wanted to marry her. She refused because she didn’t want him to have access to ANY of her money from her deceased husband. She left everything to her kids.

Louisiana is a community property state so she wouldn’t marry him. She could have done a prenup for her house.

Anyway, fast forward, there were problems all along in the relationship. She was a piece of work!

We didn’t care if he moved on in an appropriate relationship at an appropriate time. He was vulnerable. This relationship was far from healthy. I think he may have felt trapped.

My husband and his dad were close before she stepped in. MY husband and FIL eventually became estranged.

This woman ended up isolating him from all friends and family by threatening to leave him if he didn’t do everything she wanted, go out dancing, dinners at expensive restaurants, extensive traveling, a new house in a different state that wasn’t a community property state, jewelry, a new car, designer clothing and accessories, etc.

Money was important to her. She asked him to pay for everything, which he gladly did. It was his business but it cost him his family and friends. I hope he was happy with her and it was worth it for him.

Money doesn’t buy happiness. Some of my happiest times in life was when I was first starting out and struggling. I had goals. I met them. Part of the journey of life that makes it meaningful. People and relationships are more important than money.

God knows we tried to resolve and heal issues but FIL was like your FIL refusing to listen to reason.

They moved to another state (not a community property state) threw us out like yesterday’s garbage. She never did marry him, even after they moved to a non community property state. The woman died 25 years later and now he wants to make peace with my husband. Not sure what hubby will do. He did call his dad because I told him that he may not want to have regrets later. He has not seen his dad and I told him that I will support whatever he decides to do.

It’s a little too late to be a father and grandpa now. My kids are grown and don’t know him. They support their dad. Perhaps they can have a civil relationship in some way. We forgave him ages ago. None of us hate him. No grudges. Not worth the time and energy to hold grudges. We don’t want bitterness in our hearts. We were forced to move on. I personally sought therapy to help work through it.

Life can get so complicated. FIL missed seeing his grandkids grow up. They would cry and ask why did grandpa forget about them. Tragic for innocent children.

He’s basically a stranger now but has returned to Louisiana and is living in an assisted living facility. He is 96 years old now! I am glad that he at least saved enough money for a facility.

I surely hope hope it works out for your family. It’s tough! Everyone has a unique situation. I hope there is hope with your FIL.
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Take it to the pastor of the church, right away.
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TaylorUK Jul 31, 2019
Why? are church pastors experts in financial dealings for the elderly. He clearly didn't need religious guidance before so why is he likely to want it now. I would have thought a meeting with an Elder Lawyer, FIL and son might achieve rather more for his future earth bound security.
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