My stepmother (78) and I (63) just moved my 92-year-old father into an upscale memory care facility. He has very lucid moments but as a person with dementia obviously gets confused and forgets things. My narcissistic stepmother has always been critical and verbally abusive towards him. It breaks my heart now that he’s so defenseless to hear her berate him for such insignificant things such as putting his pants in the wrong drawer or putting his fancy bath mat she insisted he have in the shower with him. She is POA so I am assuming the staff cannot legally discuss his care with me although they do have my information as a backup for emergencies. My questions are 1) Do facilities ever address behavior like this with the abusive spouse? 2) Do I have a right to ask the staff about this?
She gets him so riled up when she is there. I am an only child and very close with my father. I have always maintained a cordial relationship with my stepmother but her behavior hurts me.
You Dad is in care. He's in a safe place. You are welcome certainly, as his child to make an appointment with the administration, or to discuss this with someone from APS, but I suspect you have little power here as regards a naggy, nasty wife. She is likely no different that she ever was.
My mother was an abusive bully and exactly like this with my father. She died last year. They were both residents in a nursing home, sat at the same table every day. Sad to say she berated my father in front of everyone at the facility. It all was relayed to me from other family members.
It was how they rolled. My father just accepted this behavior for 71 years, why I really don't know but he did. And it was not my place to fix it, it was their marriage. The nursing home never contacted me about it, just heard all these sorry stories from other people. She's gone now so my father finally can enjoy some peace and quiet.
A way for them to do it - Wife: "Husband, I TOLD you to put your underwear in the TOP drawer!" Aide: "Mr. Husband, would you like some cookies? Mrs. Wife, let's go into the dining room with Husband, it's snack time."
Contact:
Talk to an attorney (that handles elder abuse issues)
Discuss with the administrator of the facility
Contact APS (Adult Protective Services) or hire an attorney.
Some of your questions are 'so broad' that it depends on the specific facility and how they handle situations - ASK THE ADMINISTRATOR.
You have 'the right' to ask anything you need clarification on - they can say no "due to legal requirements.' Then you take your next step(s).
StepM behavior is nothing new - it is a pattern of their relationship and getting worse as the dementia increases. As your dad's dementia increases, so will your StepM's behavior (get more abusive / strained) she may have / likely has mental issues of her own. You need to protect your dad as much as you can.
Track EVERY incident / situation (What, when (date and time), who present) of you witnessing 'verbally abusive' behaviors. A journal like this could be used in legal proceedings, if changes need to be made.
It is a gut wrenching situation for you to witness and I feel very sad that he is going through this and you, too. Hoping that you will follow up ASAP. Don't fear her. She likely will try to intimidate you. Don't respond to her threats. Just let her talk and you walk away. She'll want (TO TRY) to de-rail you emotionally, mentally and psychologically. Don't discuss with her. As things may proceed, you could say "speak to my attorney."
Gena / Touch Matters