How does a mom let go of her kids, why can't they forgive her?

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At age 56 I continue to deal with severe depression. I have had 2 surgeries and 2 additional hospital procedures this year alone. My meds get changed and I don't react well; causing upset and anger in my family. How can I explain that some losses (a mom dying @ my age 3) repeated bad relationship choices, etc., plus more disappointment for my children when I voiced one thought of giving up and ending my life. I wished I had not said it as soon as it came out of my mouth, I have explained how meds changing have caused so many problems, but my children still want to sit down and clear the air about all the things I have done to them and how disappointed they are in me. My meds are still being adjusted and it may take more than a few months to do that. How can I explain that? I believe it has cost me more than their not wanting to visit me, but having contact with grandchildren seems to be vanishing. I believe my son will not ever visit me-he told me that over a year ago-yet hearing of his family visiting all of their family except myself and my husbands does hurt. Do I let go and just pray that someday it changes, or do I begin to let go painfully, my loved ones. I may have caused this severing, but is there a point where children refuse to accept apologies and just pick up and go on with the emptieness? When I first moved 2 1/2 hrs from their home I understood no visiting, yet my children will visit their aunt and father who also live between 2-3 1/2 hrs from their home.

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It's hard for people to understand the dramatic effects of some medications and the difficulties of finding the right one and the right dosage.

It sounds like you all have suffered much. Ideally, you'd get family counseling, but that doesn't sound like it will happen soon. It may be best for you to get individual counseling to help yourself let go in a loving way.

Many support groups offer help - have you thought of CODA for codependent people (most of us are in some ways)? Many of those groups are based on the AA Twelve Steps, as is Al-Anon, but CODA is more general. This group would support you (you may have to try more than one to get a "good fit"), but they would help you find your own life first, and eventually, that may lead to healing with your family.

Good luck. It is all very hard, but worth the journey,
Carol
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Actually I just 'graduated' from Dialectical Behavior Therapy Group and do focus on my skills to live each day in a 'wise mind' concept. I still see a therapist and she is helpful at seeing that I am quite adept in using my life skills. I am strong enough to say to my children that I am not quite ready for this 'talk' they wish to give me. I know how to deal with my needs as well as asking forgiveness for my errors. There is a fear in my heart though that I am going to be severely scourged for this one mistake. I am already paying for my problems as I do not see or talk to my grandchildren.
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