How do you tell them they need at home care. Where do you start the discussion so the answer is not "no" before you even get started? Help.

You may need someone other than you to tell them.

Have you gotten a needs assessment from their local Area Agency on Aging? News that they need help at home probably comes better from a professional social worker or from their doctor than from their "kids".

https://www.lifelonglinks.org/

The other option is to stop doing what you are doing, because that is probably the reason why they don't need more care. It's tough, but so is what is happening now!

I wish I could find that post where a member was asked by her parents to care for them. Her answer went something like this...

"Would you want someone with no experience to...and then she listed all the things they expected out of someone caring for them. To all her questions was the answer NO. Her answer..."then you don't want me."

I firmly believe in not "asking" because the answer will be No. My daughter says you approach them like they are making the decision. Like "Mom wouldn't it be nice to have someone come and help Dad bathe, shave and get dressed. Something you don't have to worry about. And if you like, they could do the same for you. Help with a bath and get dressed."

Or like said, have an assessment done and allow the caseworker to make suggestions. Coming from someone else makes a big difference.

Mom swore there was a baby in her AL. She would walk around the building looking for it. I told her no babies here because its all seniors. She looked at the aide and said "if you tell me there are no babies, I will believe you" The aide told her there were no babies, Mom said OK and walked away.

As you aren't getting too many suggestions, I'll add another one. Cen you find another story (perhaps from this site - they can be your 'friends' for this) - and tell your mother and ask what she thinks should happen. You can repeat this until you get the answer that care would be better. Then that might give you an option for you to investigate local facilities with them so that you can give advice to 'your friend'. It might help to get a conversation started, at least.

Oo.

Has the answer already been "no" before you even asked the question? Your post has a ring of bitter experience to it :(

What sort of care are you hoping to introduce?

One time I gave my parents a well presented large brochure of a 55+ community that I found to be picture perfect. Available were apartments with the same square footage as their own house. The complex was like being in a self contained village with everything one would need. Plus, the complex was building an Assisted Living building for later down the road.

Well, couple days later Dad said the brochure looked like a very nice place, maybe in a few years. FEW YEARS ??? My gosh, they were already in their late to mid 90's.... [rolling eyes].

When it did come time that my folks needed caregivers to help out, Dad was ready to hire, but Mom refused big time. Sadly that caused major battles between my parents. I felt bad for Dad, as he knew the house was just too much for the both of them, especially now being fall risks. Mom held her ground and won.

Like many of us had to do, wait for a serious illness/injury to get the ball rolling to senior facilities. Mom's refusal of help was literally her down fall. Major complication from the fall, Mom spent her final months in long term care. Dad hired caregivers for himself until it was time to sell the house and move to senior living.

Parents tend to be in denial of their age and health. And we are just the kids, and what do we know :P