Dad has lived with me for almost 10 years. Never good with money. Two bankruptcies, one while I was a teenager and then one before he moved in with me. It was a two-person deal, I get it. He has always lived beyond his means and tried to keep up with the Jones.
Once he moved in I set him up with a checking account and me as a signer. I can see his spending. In the beginning, he spent where I had to give him money. Now that he is a little less mobile he still spends. His lady friend picks him up just about every other day and they go out to lunch or dinner or breakfast, mostly $60 to $70, more lately $120 for a (light dinner).
He got his tax refund. How do you get a refund on SSI? Now it's online spending. In the past month, he has given $1,000 to the church for the offerings.
He gets $100 and spends $200.
I get it, he has to get out, but the man is out to lunch or dinner 5 times a week, I don't go out that much! He gets around with a walker now.
His lady friend loves to get him out to meals that he pays for (her MO from the past of her man friends). It's a small town, and I've known her for years before.
My concern is he spends his money down to almost zero a few days before his SSI comes in. Never saves a dime. After 9 years and of me b*tching about the increase in oil, electric, housing costs and fuel for transportation, he finally gives me $300 a month.
I have talked to him about the per-diem. I advised him of for his spending when I took over the finances after mom died, but falls on deaf ears.
He doesn't worry because he has a roof and food and transportation over his head.
Why is it the child has to be the adult?
When SHTF there will be nothing and he has no plan.
He will talk about his friend grand kids right in front of his granddaughter and brand new great-grandchild and say nothing about them.
It's as if he lives alone and spends like that. No plan typical of him.
The old fashion way = use cash only. When there is no longer paper money and coins in his pocket, then he will realize he cannot purchase anything else.
I remember way back when before credit cards even existed. It was either cash or check. And rarely did one hear about money problems within the family or friends.
My parents had always planned, made wills, life insurance, etc when I was a kid. I don't know what happened. They retired in their 50's, had pension, SSI, and my dad's veteran's pay each month. But when my dad died last year suddenly and my mom fell into an abyss with dementia now complicated by depression. She didn't care about anything anymore, stopped paying her bills but sure spent money like it was water. There were only a couple small life insurance policies which spent on unknown. She was taking $500 from the ATM at least twice a week, Sometimes taking $1,500 or more from checking or savings. When Dad died, there was about $65,000 between checking and savings. Now there's about $30 in savings and negative $1,000 in checking. Honest to God I don't know where it has gone. I haven't gotten a dime since Dad died. In fact she doesn't buy a xmas or birthday gift or card for me. I have confiscated her keys so she can't drive anymore. She also owed back taxes of nearly $6,000 that I know Dad knew nothing of. Mom didn't know...or had forgotten about it. I, too, lecture about cost of electricity, groceries, fast food. I now have POA over everything. Got the back taxes taken care of. She still has a mortgage and a equity loan. Her income covers that, but she doesn't understand that there is a cost for EVERYTHING. I have my own mortgage and life expenses, but my credit score dropped by 200 points since Dad died due to taking care of her first. But the needs never end. I told her she is sabatoging everything I attempt to do for her. I'll end up having to sell everything to pay for everything after she is gone. Pay estate taxes on a home I won't be able to afford. I'm the only child, and I had hoped they would have planned for this. But they didn't and my life is in a place that I never in a million years would have thought it would be. I should be enjoying life like they did at my age. My life sucks. And after a mini-breakdown a few months ago, I have to limit my time over there, and create boundaries. But I resent all of this. Yet I feel guilty for feeling that way.
That's the plan.
Has been financially immature for a long time. Would that be fair to say?
"He doesn't worry because he has a roof and food and transportation over his head".
Correct.
What's your aim?
Teaching this old dog new tricks? Him becoming financially mature? Moving out & paying his own way?
Or living with you but paying his bills on time?
What he spends his own spending money on AFTER paying his bills will stay his business. That's reasonable.
I'm thinking a good honest chat about money is in order. With some new FIRM house rules.
1. Rent, bills, expenses must be paid ON TIME.
You having to nag, remind or beg is NOT reasonable. He is not 15yrs old. Point this out.
2. Make a payment plan that suits when his funds arrive. Eg He pays you the same day he receives his pension.
(This gives people prone to impulsive spending the best chance of success at paying their necessities).
3. Consequences for late payment. Add a late fee.
4. Review timeframe. Review in one month. Has there been improvement? Encourage him & thank him.
5. Spell out non-compliance consequences. A non-paying adult must move out. A timeframe can be set.
How much insight does Dad have about his spending? Some people know very well that finances are tricky for them, have impulsiveness or even showoff tendencies (impressing the lady friend). If so, he may even be willing to have you manage more of his funds? Set him up with say 60% taken out for bills leaving him 40% to spend/splurge each fortnight?
The amount left for spending he can blow as he wishes. But consequences again. Blow it all on pension day. NO lending from you.
How does that sound?
If Dad is competent then it is time now to get him to an elder law attorney and to come up with a contract for living expenses. In fact it is past time. If he is not competent it is time for you (hopefully as POA) to take over the finances leaving him an allowance; my own brother ASKED me to do that for him when he was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia.
When our parents lose their faculties we DO have to be the parent to their child, as you say. HowEVER, you also say that your Dad was always this way. So now it is time for you to have covered those things that must be covered, and that means Elder Law Attorney and care contract. He will advise about not taking this as "rental" which would be taxed, but taking it as shared living expenses. And in fact if you pay for more than one half of his living expenses he is a dependent.
I sure wish you good luck. Time for a sitdown with the entire family to discuss what's right here, and fair to all. So sorry you are going through this.
Does he have any signs of dementia or memory impairment?
Does he have a FPoA? If so, is that you?
I would be very careful about being joint on anything with him (bank account, credit cards, loans). If you are his active FPoA you can set up online banking for him and make sure his rent is auto-paid as first as soon as his SS check comes in.
You can give him a pre-loaded Visa card every month with the same amount of money in it (what he has left after he pays his bills & obligations). And when it is ou out of funds, do not rescue him. Don't enable him.
Unfortunately, banks are more than happy for people to overdraft their account so that they can charge outrageous NSF fees. My MIL had $900+ worth of overdraft fees when we realized she had cognitive impairment. We were able to negotiate it down to $300.
How is he getting to his lunches? If he's driving himself, maybe the car gets limited. If she's picking him up, maybe tell her she can't? Since you Dad doesn't respect boundaries IDK what other immediate consequences there are except for him to get a part-time job enforced by you. I'm hoping others on this site will have better ideas.
My SFIL was a douche who mooched of people and owed everyone money with a smile on his face. He didn't work even though he was able-bodied. He blew through 2 inheritances, and took out a second mortgage (so he could live off those funds) during the real estate crisis in 2008 which ballooned so that the house was foreclosed on. He owed 3 years of back property taxes, and tens of thousands to cc companies. He left his enabler wife destitute. So, my sympathies to you and I wish you success in holding him accountable but IMO your enabling is part of the problem.