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My dad’s been in a care home since Sept 2018. He has no mobility from chronic myopathy. When I asked my siblings to help find a place as he needed 24hr care everyone left it up to me. I found a clean place he can afford with only 6 clients so he gets the care and attention. My dad is being taken care of and he’s happy. To me, that’s what matters. My SIL claims she would have taken him in and cared for him. My dad doesn’t care for her so that would not work. She’s always trying to stir things up in our family and I’m getting sick of it. My brother never says anything.

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I feel your pain. I got "stuck" with dealing with FIL's estate clean out--and renovating his condo so it could sell for top dollar. My BIL was on my back all the time, making sure I wasn't spending too much money and insisting on a penny-by-penny accounting of the distribution of dad's estate. (DH was the executor) BIL did NOTHING to help, but made my life miserable. He took his commission on the sale of the rentals he sold and the condo, but I was NOT allowed to take a reasonable amount for my time flipping the condo. Crazy town. Also wouldn't "allow" DH to take compensation for all the hours he spent on the execution of the estate--which legally he was entitled to do.

As this was not blood relative, and he did nothing to help, it was terrible. I never said a WORD to him, and DH simply rolled over and let BIL and SIL have whatever they wanted.

I do not regret taking the path of silent acquiescence. I know what to expect when DH's mom dies. The same.

Fighting with someone---esp family---not worth it.
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Reply to Midkid58
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sadeyes22 Nov 28, 2018
Thank you for your response. My husband and I put my dad’s house in a trust with us as half owners mainly because I foresaw the problems my SIL would cause trying to get her hands on the house. It funny how money changes people. It’s very sad.
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How about you tell SIL that your father didn't want to be with her. 'Unfortunately he doesn't seem to like you. Please don't try to follow this up, it will only cause problems'. That's pretty blunt, but not your fault.
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sadeyes22 Nov 28, 2018
Trust me I wanted to say all kinds of things, but the best response is silence. 😁
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I would ask why she didn't say anything when you brought up the subject of needing 24/7 care for Dad. And if she continues to make derogatory statements tell her Dad is happy and being cared for thats all that matters. If u don't care if you alienate her, tell her u don't need her input. If brother has a problem he should talk to you directly.

I had a SIL that pretty much ignored my family. When I was setting up a 50th Wedding Anniversary for Mom and Dad I called brothers house and SIL picked up. I asked to talk to my brother than proceeded to ask him if he would go in on the cost. SIL called me later and asked why I didn't talk to her. I told her because they were my brothers parents.
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sadeyes22 Nov 28, 2018
Thank you for your response. The last part of your input is exactly her problem. My sister and I try and have meetings about my dad just with our brothers and she doesn’t understand why she can’t be included. My other SIL understands. A family gathering without her is day of joy!
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I feel for you. This is incredibly difficult to take.

I also have to declare up front that I am no longer in touch with my SIL. It's safer that way. For her.

But my SIL was actively undermining my mother's care, and actively interfering, and (unintentionally, I acknowledge) did positive damage to her (this is all over now, it's not an ongoing issue, just one for which I will never forgive her or my brother).

Your SIL - unless there's something else? - is merely shooting her mouth off and talking b.s. and being a pain. Your brother presumably finds it easiest not to rise to the bait.

You can

call her bluff, and ask her when she'll be making the necessary arrangements
tell her she's full of it
ask her to stop making you and the rest of the family miserable
tape her mouth up
or
can you avoid her, so that you don't have to listen to this?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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sadeyes22 Nov 28, 2018
Thanks for your feedback. I just asked my dad yesterday if he wanted to live with my brother telling him his wife offered to take care of him. He gave me this look like yeah right. End of subject. People can be so ignorant and judgmental. I would be happy to never see her again. She’s taken sides with my half sister that was disowned by my parents years ago. Her jealousy over me and my kids ruined her relationship with everyone, but my SIL. That should give you the whole picture. I’m glad you no longer have to deal with it. Life’s too short for all the drama.
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