"Answered Jun 18, 2021 I am in a similar position. Look after yourself. We have been brought up to believe it's our responsibility to take anything off them. There will lies whatever we do. I am at breaking point. I have been told to walk away and let carers more detached to take over. Good luck"
You have been programmed to think that EVERYTHING is your fault. It is not. Demonstrably. Step away from whatever unholy mess your dad is creating and let others care for him.
You move out. Hire caregivers to come in and look after dad; or place him in managed care if necessary. The same advice given to you in June still applies now, in December, and will continue to apply for as long as you stay in this situation.
Blame, accuse, attack and make up things to anyone who will listen. They know how to "front" to appear vulnerable, helpless and needy while putting a knife in your back. Treacherous behavior when they endear themselves to others while abusing you.
When you have a narcissistic parent, they blame other people for everything that goes wrong. It’s really amazing. I observe my mother doing it all the time. Of course it’s me most of the time because I’m there and she’s lost most everyone else.
Move out. If your parent needs daily help they can hire help. Or you can be paid to occasionally help if you so wish to help. As soon as your parent starts to slip into behavior that you do not want to tolerate you leave. You set boundaries and you stick to them. As long as your parent is cognizant they should “get it” and respect the boundaries you wish to establish.
Congrats, you have taken the first step. Now, you set Boundries and stick by them. What you are willing and not willing to do. You don't need to answer every call. I have my cell set to "do not disturb" only those on my contact list come thru, all others go to VM. Look up "grey rock method" and see if would work for you. Townsend and Cloud have a book called "Boundries" my daughter says is good. She likes the part where when you say "NO" you are not responsible for the other persons reaction.
I loved my Dad but he was not easy to live with. He knew how to push my buttons. I told my brothers that if Mom went first, I would not be caring for a man, He would need to go into a NH. Which he probably would have enjoyed because he loved to tell his stories to people. But he went first and I cared for my Mom until I placed her into an AL.
My Dad blames my Mom and the cat for everything. From shredding documents to changing extension cords. Things my Mom has never "been in charge of" as He does everything and she's never contributed, according to him. Unless something goes wrong. Then Mom did it. And the cat changes the cable box. Its hard to watch and I dont even know these people who are my parents. Weird. They just relocated in August this year.. to be near me. Its almost home health care time. I cant do this either.
Congrats on moving out, such a vital step. I’d encourage you now to decide you won’t accept any blame for things that aren’t your fault. You’re an adult, and despite any family pressures, you’re free to decide what you will and won’t allow into your life. Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend has been a big help to many here, me included. I wish you peace
In addition to moving out (well done and congratulations), if you are genuinely concerned that such blame will or could become a legal issue for you (not just a personal attack), you document EVERYTHING, and you hire yourself your own elder law attorney.
It will cost some $$$ unfortunately, but if you are genuinely concerned that something the parent could do or say could become a legal problem for you, it really is a big help for both CYA and peace of mind.
I had to hire elder law attorneys on behalf of my parent to help with his situation. That was paid for with my father's money, for my father's benefit.
But because of his and my family's problematic behavior, I finally decided to also hire my OWN elder law attorney, with my own money, that works for me alone as the client. It's cost ~$2000 in total over approx. six months, and I hate that we've had to spend that money in addition to all the other money my family has cost us. But it has been a huge help and relief having someone on MY side (not my father or my family's) that I can call for a second opinion, as well as to simply assure me that a. yes, I'm doing X right, and b. no, I'm not legally obligated to do Y.
On a personal level, there's not much more to be done than to grow a thick skin and anticipate you'll always be blamed for everything (so whatever). But on a legal level, hiring professional help makes a world of difference. Just let whatever firm know up front that you're not looking to do estate planning or any big projects, but that you need the occasional professional consultation on matters relating to caring for your elderly parent.
You wrote this earlier this year:
"Answered Jun 18, 2021
I am in a similar position. Look after yourself. We have been brought up to believe it's our responsibility to take anything off them. There will lies whatever we do. I am at breaking point. I have been told to walk away and let carers more detached to take over. Good luck"
You have been programmed to think that EVERYTHING is your fault. It is not. Demonstrably. Step away from whatever unholy mess your dad is creating and let others care for him.
Please keep in touch here; support is abundant.
Good luck looking after yourself now.
If your parent needs daily help they can hire help. Or you can be paid to occasionally help if you so wish to help.
As soon as your parent starts to slip into behavior that you do not want to tolerate you leave. You set boundaries and you stick to them. As long as your parent is cognizant they should “get it” and respect the boundaries you wish to establish.
I loved my Dad but he was not easy to live with. He knew how to push my buttons. I told my brothers that if Mom went first, I would not be caring for a man, He would need to go into a NH. Which he probably would have enjoyed because he loved to tell his stories to people. But he went first and I cared for my Mom until I placed her into an AL.
It will cost some $$$ unfortunately, but if you are genuinely concerned that something the parent could do or say could become a legal problem for you, it really is a big help for both CYA and peace of mind.
I had to hire elder law attorneys on behalf of my parent to help with his situation. That was paid for with my father's money, for my father's benefit.
But because of his and my family's problematic behavior, I finally decided to also hire my OWN elder law attorney, with my own money, that works for me alone as the client. It's cost ~$2000 in total over approx. six months, and I hate that we've had to spend that money in addition to all the other money my family has cost us. But it has been a huge help and relief having someone on MY side (not my father or my family's) that I can call for a second opinion, as well as to simply assure me that a. yes, I'm doing X right, and b. no, I'm not legally obligated to do Y.
On a personal level, there's not much more to be done than to grow a thick skin and anticipate you'll always be blamed for everything (so whatever). But on a legal level, hiring professional help makes a world of difference. Just let whatever firm know up front that you're not looking to do estate planning or any big projects, but that you need the occasional professional consultation on matters relating to caring for your elderly parent.
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