My husband and I have been together for 10 year now, we have an 18 year age difference. After we got married 5 years ago his mother needed him full time. His brother and sister want nothing to do with taking care of their mom, other than just visiting and leaving her with bad thoughts about the people that are taking care of her. To add more anxiety we now have a toddler together and it has been the toughest time I have ever experienced. I believe that I have been as supportive as I can be. I take days off work to take them to her Dr. Appointments, and running errands for both. I work and take care of my son full time. I contribute with rent and pay all the utilities. I don't know if its the age difference that makes me feel anxious and taken for granted. Am I being selfish? I sometimes feel like I should be doing so much more anyone else in any similar situations, and how do you stay connected to your husband when it feels that the only reason he chose you, is so you can help him run his errands. What recommendations would you give someone feeling this way?

"Full Time"; does that mean he stays at her house overnights, too? You are at work or alone most of the time? Is he around to be a father to your child?
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Reply to mally1

"The State pay to care for her but is not that much, so I cover the rest." What happened to her money? Did she not save money for her retirement or later years? How old is she? How many more years are you looking at supporting both your husband and his mother? What will happen to your child when he or she needs expensive items or school-related costs? Are you saving for your own future? Many things need to be considered because you have chosen to bring a child into the world.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw

I am 32 my Husband is 50 and our toddler is 2. When I first met his mom she was still waking and independent. Then she started falling Ill and his sister would driver her to dr. appointments. My husband had been having a hard time finding work and so he saw that his mom was needing help with walking and going up the stairs so she asked him to take care of her full time. She got Hip Surgery on one side then she got a knee replacement then she got the other hip surgery and then the other knee replacement. After the second knee surgery that's when she started doing really bad at walking. One day the first knee got infected and she ended in the hospital with a major surgery trying to save her leg but ended up having to get the replacement out and now her knee can not bend. The Drs just said she is bed bound from now on. She then had a stroke and lost movement of one hand. She currently can barely move her only hand so my husband has to take care of all her needs. She is very hard of hearing and her speech is deteriorating fast. It's hard for me to understand her, but fortunately my husband does know what she is saying. The State pay to care for her but is not that much, so I cover the rest.
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Reply to sammy85

Eighteen years is a big age difference. I do not know what cultural background you and your husband are from - and that may have nothing to do with it - but that said, it sounds to me like you are onto something when you wrote: "when it feels that the only reason he chose you, is so you can help him run his errands". Women who do not listen to their gut feelings such as is in that very powerful statement you wrote often find themselves stuck in the same role but worse off years later.

You are definitely NOT selfish.

Your husband has chosen his mother over his wife and child. He did not have to do that; it was his choice. Your husband may be incapable of establishing healthy boundaries with his mother. You can try to help him establish healthy boundaries by establishing them for yourself first. You have a child to consider.

Those are my thoughts given the little I read about your situation. I hope you come back and fill in your story.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to NYDaughterInLaw

Hi, Sammy! Welcome to Aging Care! ((((((Hugs)))))).

How old are you? How old is DH (dear husband?) How old is your toddler?

Are you a Stay at Home Mom? (SAHM)?

What are is mom's impairments?

What do you mean "his mom needed him full time"?

Was he working before that?

More information will get you better answers.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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