How do you not get annoyed with the loved one you’re taking care of?

Great answers so far, lori. 1) I agree that at 71, something’s not right so I’d ask to go to her doctor with her, 2) you are on a precipice of potentially taking over her business and it is rightfully freaking you out a bit - are you willing to do all that, or as someone said, will you look to place her? Let her know she can live somewhere that will remove all the bills and shopping and maintenance?

You arr Resentful tha tyou Feel the Ordeal is a Raw Deal tha tyou got Stuck in. And you are Taking it out on Mum, Who cannot help it. She replys on You, Is trying hard to Be Not this Burden, Such as you Tried not to be When she was Raising you. Try kindess and patience, She won't live forever. My sister is Taking care of Sad Dad and gets infuritated with him but love shim so much tha twhen he Dies, More she Cries, She will lose it along with Dad....

I now declare you "normal". Absolutely normal.

Lori,

Short answer is that you are perfectly normal! Completely normal reaction to become annoyed.

I hope things get better for you in the future. Take care.

How on earth could anyone not get furious and annoyed and overwhelmed with taking care of these people? I would go insane and I could not and would not tolerate it. Yes, I feel sorry for them but I am human and I have a life to live and I cannot do this or put up with this nonsense. Not all people can - some can and others can't. If it is getting to the point of harming you and pulling you down, I think deep down you know what you have to do. You have to put the person into a facility to save your own life and sanity. Anyone who is sweet and nice to them is far and few between - or they are putting on an act. It is normal to be furious and angry even if they can't help it. It doesn't matter, it is harming you so you must be strong and do what must be done - now.

It's called passive aggressive behavior. My mother got like this about her checking account -but we had already heard her say that her stomach got upset dealing with balancing it - I just took over and did it. It IS like dealing with a young child. If they can't deal with something ( or it has gotten to where they don't see the importance of dealing with it) Understanding it doesn't mean that it doesn't drive you crazy and I have blown up a lot of times. Recently blew up when my mother wouldn't listen to us telling her to stay put. Now she has messed up her hip and on hospice care, so I'm sorry that I blew up, but on the other hand, it IS stressful and when you're tired, you will react. At her young age, it might be good to get your mother tested for depression.

I think you have received alot of good answers regarding advice to possibly take as well as how to handle the emotions. I have to say that when I found this site over a year ago I felt hopeless regarding my mother. I then read alot of posts. I learned alot from so many who know a great deal from their years of experiences. The other aspect that has helped was to really listen as I read. I have great empathy for so many. It can seem overwhelming and I feel greatly for them although there is nothing I can do. What that has done for me is provided me with a different perspective. I am fortunate to not deal with what many have to. There have been decades of exasperation I have had in being my mother's only child. However there are always those coping with more and doing better. When I get the creeping feeling of feeling burnt out I try my best to remind myself about that. This has helped me with the perception I experience at times and I have found that the frequency of negative emotions have lessened. I hope you find some solutions and relief.

I totally understand...with dh, he is 98% blind so he can’t see me or anything special that I do for him and he doesn’t hear well so our conversations are mostly one-sided with a constant reply of huh? from him. I get so frustrated repeating myself or having a conversation about something and his only input is “I don’t know”. I’m not sure if he is displaying signs of dementia because I am so used to seeing for him, listening for him, speaking for him, and deciding for him that I don’t know if there’s really any real substance left in him. I have all our bills on autopay and have total control of all our finances, he really doesn’t have a clue, but trusts that I am doing what is best for us so we can still enjoy life. I would love to have a man to really notice me, and take me out, and converse with me... I truly do not have the soul or empathy of a caregiver. I am muddling through this journey and just trying to keep a positive attitude. I have outside activities I do without him, so I get my free time...he still adores me and tells me how beautiful I am and how he loves me...Actually, thats about the extent of his conversations with me. I think its normal for us caregivers to feel sad and partake a little pity party from time to time...its very frustrating to give all to someone who gives very little input in return...I know it hurts my feelings and I get testy with him...when I start to feel like that, I put on his life alert bracelet, let the kids know he’s home alone, fill up his coffee cup and turn on Forensic files and leave for awhile. I go play pool in a league, I buy flowers or project stuff at home depot, I see if one
of the kids wants to go see a movie, or I just drive down the backroads and pull over for a good cry. Prayers for you...even the best relationships are hard to keep together, forever.

Maybe it's just me, but I think we're not really annoyed with our mothers, ...but we're generally upset with the situation: of not having a connection anymore. (Some of us never had those connections). But looking at them in this condition, seeing them slip away before our eyes, & knowing this could go on for years....uugghh. (She's there, but not there). It's wretched.

I'd like to offer a different perspective on the response "I don't know"...

I have a family member who will default to this whenever she feels pressured or backed into a corner; it can be a way to buy time or a way to disagree without actually coming out and saying so, a way to deflect confrontation.

If you think your mother isn't dealing with her bills competently then rather than trying to force her to do so you can either shrug your shoulders - que sera - or you can step in and take over. "Mom, is it OK if I contact the power company about this bill? I'll need you to sign this form giving me permission if it is" (as you hand her the pen....).

Another technique I have used to get a person to pay attention is to have a third party present. The 3 of you sitting at a table. Two of you start the discussion, talking, but not to Mom. Mention her name in a sentence, as if you are talking about her, as she sits there. Does she perk up, get interested, offer solutions?

Lori,
Do you turn off the t.v. first, get Mom's attention?
Bring her a glass of water, a cup of coffee, or juice?
Is there a time of day she is more alert?
She is a young age to be having these symptoms.

Will physical therapy help for her shoulder?
Is she in a lot of pain?

My dH and I had the same conversation just last night.
He tried to cooperate, but he could not. I saw he was trying, sitting down facing me. I was frustrated. The information we needed was to help him. After 1/2 hour, I had to make the decision alone, without the information. It was after so much misinformation, and going down a rabbit hole of false directions.

1) Change your expectations.
Of your mother, and of yourself.

2) If you have to be someone's caregiver, expecting to do it in a professional way without getting upset at times is just not possible because you are human, and you are family. Venting your frustrations here and finding others who are going through the same will help you over time.

After our conversation last night, we both were in the kitchen, nibbling on some parsley. Do not eat too much (due to vitamin K issues), but it helps with blood pressure. Imo.

I’m the same with my mother. She recently entered independent living and does quite well without me but when I am around I feel like I am her “brain.”
It’s like she automatically gets lazy as soon as I show up and she expects me to do everything but when I am not around, she can handle things with ease. It can be very frustrating.

I amassuming that Mom has some sort of dementia. Therefore nothing is wrong with you. It is simply that you are in the learning phase of the disease. It taakes time to learn. As to what is wrong with Mom. No one really knows. Nearly all of us have gone through the same or similar events and learning. Mom doesn't realize how important the things you mentioned really are. to her they are of no concern.
Her brain just has lost its ability to understand the impact of what she is or is not doing. And it will probably get worse for her and you.
If you can, I woud suggest that you take charge of of reding and planning on how to pay her bills. Develope a plan and try writing the checks and have her sign them.
You may eventually have to do the same thing with her shopping, dressing and bathing.
My experience with the TV and sitting was that she is engrossed with the animation of the TV. Everything else is sitting still except the TV.
If she is still capable of signing a POA for fianancial and medical, get it now. After she reaches a certain point you may have to take over everything for her.
And when concidering the POA be sure to visit her bank and find out just what they may require. some will not accept a POA unless it is on their forms and conditions.
Start looking into social security about being designated payee or whatever they call it.
Just remember that there is help and information available here whenever you may need it. Even if it just to blow off steam.
I would suggest that you begin now to plan for the future. Just about anything you can think of may happen.
This will include planning time for yourself. so start looking into companion care for her so you can take a break for yourself.

Finally we could tailor our responses if you could provide more information about what has been diagnosed with? What are her needs and how do you handle them?
Have you inquired about how to help her without injuring yourself?
There is just so much to learn and here is the best starting point.

Good luck and keep us up to date.

Honestly, nothing at all is wrong with you! Taking care of older folks, many of whom are having memory issues and other declines is stressful, it depletes your patience. The really funny part for me is, if I were with YOUR mom I'm sure I could be so understanding, kind, helpful and patient. But with MY MIL, I'm just frustrated and annoyed by so many little things, just like you :)

My best advice (but also the hardest) is to try to detach a little and treat her as you would treat a stranger, if that makes sense. I also found a little meme online about memory/Alzheimer's and I keep it on my phone as the lock screen so I can look at it quickly (and often) when I am with her -- reminding myself of better ways to interact with her (Divert, never reason; Repeat, never say "I told you", Distract, never shame; etc.) But, honestly, many days, it is still hard.

Is she in a place where you can just take over those bills (do you have POA to do that?), then you can just pay them, sort of behind her back? She may be having some mental decline so that paying the bills and worrying about them just isn't something she is capable of, so you taking over might be a relief. If and when she notices or asks about a bill, you just let her know that it got paid (maybe show her the receipt)? Maybe she will be relieved to not have that burden anymore, and that's one less thing for the two of you to fuss over??

Because it is frustrating when you feel like you care more about them than they do.

Is she mentally cognizant? If yes, maybe she needs to handle her bills. My dad does the same thing with stuff he doesn't want to talk about. Uurrrgghh!

71 is not old, so take a close look at what she can and should be doing and let her do it.