How do you not feel guilty about putting your mother in a nursing home?

If your mother is safer, has access to round the clock care, and is having her medical needs addressed, it would have been unfair on your part to keep her from receiving what she needed.

NONE of the decisions are “good”, but sometimes they are the best we can arrange for.

The decline you see may be resulting from her being able to let someone else do for her what you were trying to do at home. The psychiatrist who assessed my LO when she entered her memory care unit told me that my LO was attempting to use every bit of her energy to keep her family from knowing how confused and forgetful she actually was.

In her MC, she was able to relax and not worry about whether we knew how confused she actually was.

Final thought - whether you decide to feel guilty or decide not to, your job is to do whatever you can to get her the best care possible, and your guilt can’t change you goal to do that.

Your mother has both lung cancer and pneumonia. That is why she is declining fast. You may both be fortunate if the end will be quick, and drugs can make it painless. You are not guilty, you should be grateful for both of you.

I believe you have done the right thing. She would decline at home, as she does at the nursing home. Please, give yourself a break and do not feel guilty. There's only so much a girl can do!

lori - the way I look at it logically is...

If you get sick, you go see a doctor, get some Rx, go home, rest and get better.

If you get really sick, you go to a hospital to get treatment, get well, go home.

If you STAY really sick chronically, you STAY in a hospital for the chronically sick called nursing home, there you stay because you don't get better enough to go home.

If you have enough money to pay for hospital staff to come to your/her home and take care of her around the clock, then you can take her home. Most people can't afford that. So if you take her home without having the medical care support, then you're doing her a disservice.

It's hard not to feel bad that she's not at home, but when that guilty feeling comes up, try to look at things logically.

Nobody with love in their heart wants to put their mother in a nursing home. You did not want her to have lung cancer. You did not want her to decline. And yet because of the love in your heart, you made the decision to do what is best for her given her poor health. Your mother's needs will only increase. She will get more care - two shifts worth of care - than you yourself can give at home. Caring for an elder at home who is healthy is a lot of work under the best of circumstances.

During these hard times, many families have chosen to send meals to nursing homes for the staff who are caring for their family members. Extending your love and kindness to the staff who are caring for your mother may help you feel better about your decision.

Also, remember that you still can advocate for your mother. Discuss with the nursing home director about focusing on your mom's quality of life.