Follow
Share

Hi everyone — I'm caring for my dad in his 70s and trying to balance his life and mine at the same time. Emotionally, it's been a lot. But what’s overwhelmed me most are the logistics: doctor visits, insurance, bills, coordinating care, and figuring out the future.Is anyone using tools or strategies that help them stay on top of it all? Or are you just winging it like I’ve been?I'd really appreciate hearing how others are managing. Thanks in advance 💛

Find Care & Housing
Adding the other thing I do is not get sucked into "do it now" if it can wait. Today mom wanted to see if she is on a budget plan for electricity and dad wanted me to help him put up a new shower curtain (good for him for knowing it's not good for him to attempt this on his own!).

Past me would jump right on it. Today's me already had tasks scheduled for today, so I told them it would go on my task list for tomorrow....
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to casole
Report

I hear you, Avenueway, it is a lot to jump in and take over the admin of someone else's life! I'm dealing with this as well, although in my case, I live 600 miles away from my mother, which presents a whole different set of challenges. I second the suggestion to automate as much as possible. I've put all my mom's bills on autopay and paperless billing, because the amount of paper was absolutely overwhelming. Setting up logins for each bill takes a bit of time, but once that's done, it's so easy to manage. The patient portal is also my best friend. I can read the doctor's notes after every visit (especially helpful when I'm not able to attend myself), and I regularly send questions or concerns to mom's docs using the portal. Make sure that you have the right HIPAA forms signed so that the docs can talk to you. Get your name on the bank accounts as a co-owner or signer. I am also having my mom add me as a cardholder on her credit card, so that I can buy anything she needs without spending my own money.

I've been thinking recently that it would be helpful for me to designate specific hours each day or week to deal with mom admin, rather than reacting to each thing as it comes up. I feel like that will help me compartmentalize.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to debreditor
Report

It is a LOT! I use my phone reminders and my phone has both mine and parents appointments etc. We have a big calendar in the kitchen with all the appointments. I'm fortunate in that I don't have children added to the mix.

I try to block periods of time for calls. There's a lot of calls. And follow up calls. I also try to use the brief moments of calm to future plan. Which reminds me I have to follow up scheduling tours of facilities for the "just in case" scenario so I have a "short list" of preferred rehabs and snfs rather than deal with a list handed to me by a social worker like last time!! I sent email requests but no responses...

I prioritize my counseling and my own Dr appointments. I try not to internalize the mood of the day when I get here to my parents easier said than done. My father is OCD and will try to make all his obsessions mine and I won't buy into it. I review the week with them on Sundays and I review each following day with them the day before. So we all know what's going for tomorrow.

I have my phone number as primary for all doctors so I can manage the calendar and not deal with confusing messages and having to return calls. I don't put more than one appointment a day for them if possible. Wherever possible I have myself listed as an authorized party even tho I also have POA and HCPOA. I'm on their bank accounts. I have a debit card if I need to grab scripts or supplies.

For bills I monitor mom's email, that's where most of her bills go. We also do paper she likes it and if she likes it I'm happy too.

Hope that helps it's not a true system especially when I have to add things like contractor appointments (in process of getting quotes for ramps before we need one). But it's the best I can do. It's truly time consuming to be proactive but I'm really hoping it pays off in the long run.

For me calendar management is key along with listing the daily tasks on my phone and review the night before. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to casole
Report

Accomplish everything possible on the computer. Doctor scheduling, telemed visits when possible so you don't have to take him to their office. Insurance claims filed online, all bills on autopay, coordinate care by texting rather than calling when possible (gives you a record of the exchange and doesn't take as much time as a conversation). Keep records on the computer. Have file boxes for those that you want to keep in hard copy as well as on the computer; i.e. a box dedicated to insurance claims, VA claims, hospital records, and so on. You will fill that one up pretty fast! Get his POA. Make sure he has advance directives and that you are the one he's appointed. Never be the caregiver without these two important legal tasks being assigned to you. If someone else is his designee, they have the power and you're doing the grunt work. Never never allow this.

You are not only caring for dad. You are now managing a small business as a result of caring for dad. I've done it for parents, their business, a relative and now my husband. It's hard at first but if you stay organized, give up part of your own life (usually the fun part), and know how to use a computer, you'll do fine.

As for the future, start looking around for the kind of care dad will need next. Check out continuum of care facilities, skilled nursing facilities, memory care, visiting home health care aides, transportation (such as Uber when he can no longer drive), senior day care centers, sitters/companions. Keep files for future reference because you may have to pivot quickly as his condition deteriorates, and then you'll already have done the research, which makes it easier for you when you're struggling with the emotional aspects.

Do not think of bringing him to live with you. Do not go to live with him. Either way, you have no privacy and the work load gets exponentially harder. When it does, you can't escape easily. And you will want to escape, no matter how much you love dad. Getter older and sicker changes a person's personality. You will not like that, but always allow for it as you move along the caregiving pathway.

Please read a lot of posts on here for direction and advice. I wish you luck with this undertaking!
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

Get all billing changed over to electronic.

Ask all doctors if remote doctor appointments are an option. Mom's PCP allowed us to do remote doctor appointments through the cell phone for the last several years. Eliminate non essential appointments.

Coordinating care--not sure what your questions are here. If your Dad can afford 3-4 hours of care get him caregivers for 3-4 hours in the mornings.
They can get his ADL's done. Change the sheets once a week. Do his laundry and make him a good meal. Most agencies have a 3 or 4 hour minimum.

"Don't be too picky." This is what Mom's estate lawyer told me when I was overwhelmed.

Ask people in your circle for guidance. I got really good dental advice from Mom's hygienist.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to brandee
Report

Going to bump you up. Having problems with questions that have 0 responses. You will now get more respones.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter