I have been the full time care giver for my Mother for 20 years. The last year she has been bedridden. The last 5 months hospice has come in every day to help with her daily care. Other then that I am alone. I see her losing her hair, not eating, not drinking sleeping 23 hours a day. Talking so softy I can understand does not seem to be able to see good any longer. Every night I go to bed and cry because I don't know if she will be there in the morning. In the morning I cry because it just gets harder to watch her health failing. I am sick to my stomach every day and cry most days. There is no getting out and at this point I honestly have no energy to pretend to be good company. How do other people deal with a love one slowly slipping away. So hard, so sad.
I am sorry for what you are going through.
It can be as simple as going for a walk each day or just sitting outside on your porch or patio, or going to lunch or supper with friends, or going to church. You get the picture and the point; you need to step away from it when you can.
The biggest mistake long time caregivers make is not taking time for themselves and doing things that they enjoy. And yes even in the face of death you can still do and find things that bring you joy. It's so important that you do.
And I speak from experience. I cared for my late husband for over 24 years and the last 22 months of his life he was completely bedridden in our living room and under hospice care.
I was told multiple times over those months and even prior, that my husband would be dead soon, but it took him 22 long months before he finally did. And yes it was hard to watch him deteriorate before my eyes, but I had learned(the hard way)earlier on the importance of self-care during my caregiving journey, so I made sure that I was getting out regularly with friends, going to church, the grocery store and just sitting outside, as I knew I needed that to rejuvenate my soul so I could see this journey through to the end. And I did.
I also had the advantage of being a part of a local caregiver support group, and that was invaluable.
Please talk to the hospice chaplain and social worker as they are there for YOU, more so than for your mom.
If hospice is coming every day it must mean that they believe that your mom doesn't have much more time left here on earth, so in a weird way there is light at the end of your very long tunnel.
If you're like me, when my husband finally did die, there was a combination of relief and grief, and I can only imagine it will be the same for you. And it's ok to be relieved, so please don't beat yourself up when you feel that way.
Oh and one more thing if hospice feels your mom will be dying soon you can request that she be brought to their hospice facility where they will keep her comfortable until she dies. Those homes are very beautiful and peaceful, and if she dies within the week Medicare will cover the cost 100%. After that if you want her to remain there, there will be a daily charge which is paid out of pocket.
Hang in there, and please take care of yourself.
God bless you.
What you are experiencing is what happens when we elect to have a LO die at home. It’s the reason that many of us choose for them to be in a facility for the last days of their lives.
Do you have the choice for her to go to a hospice facility? You could be there whenever you like. Mom would have a team of kind professionals to care for her, and you wouldn’t be subject to the daily misery of waiting alone for the inevitable.
Find a counselor, a support group, reach out to get some support from friends (if they've all gone by the wayside, as often happens when chronic illness is in the picture, then look for a hobby where you can get out of the house and out of your head and be with other people--craft class, join a local hiking group, wine & painting, karaoke...).
My mother tells the story of telling her own father that she's ok, and that it is time for him to rest and go see her mother now, he passed that night. Maybe your mom needs to be given permission.
One more thing, sending many hugs your way.
I don't know how you do this. I don't think it's a good thing to set all day, waiting for someone to die.
What is your mother's diagnosis,? What is her prognosis? Has her doctor or Hospice given you any sense of how imminent her death is?
Can you get out, go to the library or got a walk when the hospice folks come each day?
Do you have someone to talk to, like the Hospice Chaplain or Social Worker? Have you looked into respite care?