How do you let go of unresolved anger?

I think I am in a related situation. We are in the process of placing my father in skilled care. My mother, who is emotionally all over the place with this process, is using me as her personal marriage therapist for every issue they had over the past 50+ years. I need her to focus on the tasks at hand. I am hoping to get her some professional counseling to work these issues out. While I know it is a hard step, I recognize that I cannot fulfill that role, and I want her to be able to move beyond the past and enjoy the present. Maybe you also can find someone who will listen to your mom, and try to refocus her on the present?

The anger and resentment will eat you alive and affect your health. Write your mother the nastiest letter you can and let out all of your anger and frustration. Read it over and over. Then take it to the back yard, a cemetery, or a place you hate or love and bury it….. or sit by your fire pit and toss it in the fire and watch it burn. Then…….. let it go. You can’t change the past but you have control of the path you want to take in the future. Good luck💜

Kaye has posted several times with no response to questions asked. I have asked at this thread that she please respond to some of the questions we have asked and fill out a more complete profile.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-feel-so-drained-but-its-my-turn-for-days-to-watch-my-parents-how-do-i-get-motivated-to-go-tomorrow-469706.htm

BurntCaregiver--

Probably 'brutal' was an overreach on my part.

My OS is simply who she is and does wonderful things in her life. She just has very clear cut lines of what she will and won't do. She also knows not to waste emotional energy on lost causes.

Over the years, she will throw money at ANY problem, and often, money IS the solution (such as as paying personally for the difference between a crappy NH and nice one)---but as far as hands on care-nope, don't call her.

And in fairness, you've followed my stories long enough to know that YB is a real stickler about whom he will and will not let 'help', and OS just doesn't argue with him.

I think the rest of us sibs simply 'forget' to call her when there's a need.

I snap at my father sometimes which inevitably triggers a big Dramarama. Hell, sometimes even off-the-cuff comments that I forget about 2 minutes after I say them trigger the Dramarama.

He called me the other day, "he was sick". I thought, "oh, bleep, he's got it, somehow, despite being vaccinated, how do I test him without being exposed, the drama that's coming...." Nope, something I said, that I forgot about, sent him into a day long anxiety attack.

It's so mentally exhausting that as I was driving home from my last bout of Dramarama, I let it out in the car, started cussing, yelling, full primal scream therapy, in fact. Fortunately, it was on a back road.

It's been 4 years of this crap, since my mother passed. I can't imagine how bad it would be if he had dementia, or any serious health problems.

There have been 2 periods where it stopped. One, was when I got him to go to a VA program for the blind. He liked being around the guys, even stopped calling me every night. Six blessed weeks of peace for me. Then he comes back, starts bad mouthing the program, doesn't do anything from it, and the Dramarama starts up again.

The other time, I got him on Zoloft for a month. Thank god I did it because we were trying to sell a property that he and my mother co-owned (divorced) and he never would have sold it otherwise. He was driving me and the realtor nuts, because his anxiety was so bad. Zoloft sold the property for me.

Four blessed weeks of peace, but, you know, can't have that, so he stopped taking the meds.

I come through here every few months, my therapy, and I always realize how easy I have it. He has money, I won't have to live with him and sacrifice a major part of my life, he's healthy, no dementia, just anxiety and incredible stubbornness.

And it's still frustrating, tiring and sometimes exhausting because it never, really, ever stops, and he fights any help you try to give him. Oh, and the excuses, just excuse after excuse after excuse for why he's the way he is, why he can't do certain things, THE BLEEPING EXCUSES........I am sick of them.

Anyways, my therapy session, thank you for reading, just know you aren't any better or worse than the rest of us and we all go through it.

Thank you for sharing this story and your situation. I am very grateful to see answers here and an open discussion. I, too, have a similar issue with my mother being extremely negative, and it takes a toll on my emotional health.
I think you must be proud of yourself :) First, taking care of your mother and being a great daughter only speaks about which kind of person you are. And maybe try to take a break for a bit, and do something for yourself.
Affirm that you are doing more than enough and you are an amazing person. Then take a break and work on the muscle of "lovingly not caring."
Sending love and hugs

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-feel-so-drained-but-its-my-turn-for-days-to-watch-my-parents-how-do-i-get-motivated-to-go-tomorrow-469706.htm

It seems like you share care with someone else. So look at it this way, you get a break. A lot of caregivers don't.

I see where ur coming from. I had a friend who was so negative all her life, that her sons stayed away as much as possible. It was draining being around her. Not every woman is nurturing. It could be her Mom was like that so Mom never learned how to be. If you knew why she was the way she is, maybe you can forgive. Maybe she has a personality disorder. I truly think ur born this way. But if its not addressed, it can't be fixed.

You are going to either tone her out or tell her as nice as possible "Mom, I am sorry, I can't listen to that anymore. There is nothing I can do about it." When she asks why you have patience with Dad and not her tell her its because she is so negative. Try "grey rock metod" with her.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

Please come and vent anytime u want.

So many of us are in this same situation.

We were not 'loved' sufficiently as children and find it so hard to return love when none was given when we were small and fragile.

LOTS of therapy has helped me--during COVID I couldn't go and televisits were not really private, so I haven't been for 18 months. I am noticing that I am slipping back into negative thinking and I need a booster of talk therapy.

Asking my OS why she never did anything for mom, and why she felt zero 'guilt' about that and she replied "she was a crap mother, a crap grandmother and I'm not faking a relationship where there isn't one". It was kind of brutal and I can't be that way--but I am slowly learning to 'not care' in a caring way.

big hugs!!!!
it’s hard.

i really wish us all better situations!!!

hug!! courage to all of us!!

You're not alone. Many of us here are in similar situations as you. We're expected to have a saintly level of patience and be tender loving caregivers to our parent because they are now elderly and needy.
How were they when we were kids and we needed? I know my mother like yours was not there for me emotionally. She also had zero patience for me and was a bully. There is a wise old verse in the bible.

You reap what you sow.

That means that parents who had no patience for their kids, always put themselves first, were cold and indifferent, or maybe even abusive have no right to expect their adult kids to be any different to them because they've grown elderly and needy. No one should expect to get more than they were willing to give in this life.
The fact that you haven't put your mother in a care facility but are caring for her in yourself, is proof that you're a better person with more patience then your mother ever had for you. And that's good enough.
You don't treat her the same way as your father because you have a different relationship with him and that's to be expected.
Ask yourself what was your relationship with your mother like before she became elderly and needy. There's your answer. Don't beat yourself up with guilt because you feel anger and resentment towards your mother and have little patience for her. Let these feelings come. Don't ignore them. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to have them. We all have them because we're all human beings and none of us is perfect.
You're doing your best and no one can ask more than that. If caring for your mother becomes too much for you, put her in a care facility.

I'm not sure we can always successfully let go of all that unresolved anger, honestly. I know I've tried to myself for the past decade but can't seem to do so entirely. Some anger needs to BE felt, I think. We read the self help books which tell us we must forgive and forget, blah blah, that anger is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person. Well I say hogwash to all that! Anger is a normal human emotion brought on by events and behaviors that caused the anger to be there in the first place! If my mother wasn't such a wretched human being in word and deed, then I wouldn't be harboring all this dislike for her that I'm trying to pretend doesn't exist, right? But it does exist. And it isn't going anywhere, either, unfortunately. I'm better off acknowledging it and finding coping mechanisms to deal with it than feeling guilty or condemning MYSELF over It! So I try to escape the situation as I'm able, take vacations from my mother, turn my phone off, keep the interactions short, and shield myself from the toxicity as much as possible.

Where my father was concerned, he was nice and easy going and seldom complained or threw others under the bus. Dealing with him caused me no friction, no heartburn, no problems at all, God bless him. But after he died, mother's punching bag disappeared and yours truly was assigned the role. Joy to the world.

I think it's okay to validate your feelings, whatever they may be, and then find a way to deal with them to the best of your ability. Wishing you the best of luck and strength moving forward, and sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.