How do you know when your elderly parent needs to be in a nursing home?
My 79 yo mother fell down the stairs 5 years ago several times, never went to the Dr, she basically gave up and for 4 1/2 years now she can’t walk and is in a bed in the living room. She lost her husband 3 years ago, I’ve been helping on and off for 3 years but last year my drug addicted brother did not want my help anymore (I was questioning his drug spending with her money) so I went back to my home, 3 hours away, got a job a new home etc. in December the hospital called me as my mom almost died due to her diabetes and not being properly cared for (my brother ended up in jail for 6 months) and her alcoholic and drug addicted caretaker was coming over one hour each day M-F only - never came over on weekends; she gave my mom a cooler next to the bed filled with chicken salad, puddings and waters, along with lots of little Debbie snacks. anyway I dropped everything and went to help for 6 weeks; I hired proper licensed home health aids, threw out all the candy cookies pop etc from the house and had a good system, routine etc in place While I waited for my brother to get out of jail so he could takeover her care once again. my car suitcases etc were packed ready to go when my brother got out of jail in February. 11 hours after my brother was out of jail we found him dead from a heroin overdose. I am the only one that my mom has but it is taking a toll on me- my health my sanity!! my mom is diabetic, she has a catheter, she gets diarrhea often, she does get constipated occasionally, she vomits often. there’s so many other challenging situations I won’t go into too much detail because we all know how mean people can be! That’s another question: as how do I address her “ugliness” calling me fat, stupid, ugly and no one likes me. She can be very cruel. Her parents were so loving and kind and responsible, it really blows me away how cruel she is!! I purposely isolate myself from her because she’s complaining ALL the time and I’m not a person who likes negativity, ugliness etc believe me I’ve tried to smile and reassure her etc and just when I think we may get along for more than 5 minutes BAM she starts all over again! Another important issue is her basement is leaking and has mold in it, also her kitchen refrigerator room ceiling is leaking. She doesn’t want to pay for repairs. I have buckets under the ceiling leaks. The water coming in the basement needs to be professionally repaired and I still need to look into how to get rid of black mold. my mom is a hoarder - I’ve been clearing out her house on and off for over 3 years - now that you can actually walk thru rooms I’m finding several items needing repairs! I am working a full time job here I'm exhausted!
of course my mom does not want to leave her house please tell me when do people actually have to go into a nursing home? Or can they live like this until they die?
one more thing to note: she doesn’t have a will, a poa in place and there’s no life insurance; in fact she refuses to discuss how she’d like to be laid to rest. she has money in the bank, owns her home and has a few IRAs. Yes she’s always been selfish and neglectful- Always!! saying we will talk about that later.
This past December my mom went to the hospital again - almost died due to her diabetes, the hospital called me and that’s why I’m here now ; APS was called during that visit and her so called caregiver was reported but the caregiver changed her phone number and nothing was done.
I will leave and I will to report to the State and APS and leave it to them.
I really don’t mind helping her, taking care of her, etc but the extremely bad choices she makes is maddening!! On top of not wanting to pay for getting bathed more than one hour a week, she’d rather spend money foolishly on HSN items she’ll never use, her priorities are so out of whack!! And the mental abuse I endure is disturbing and disheartening to say the least!! She tells me I’m fat, I’m stupid, I’m ugly and no one likes me. It’s very sad and makes me cry! We just don’t get along - I never really knew her, growing up she worked all day was a single parent and our grandparents prepared our meals, did the cleaning and laundry, my mom would sleep all weekend she was depressed a lot then when I was 18 I moved to Texas, so I never really knew my mother.
I just can’t feel guilty by leaving. I know she’ll end up in the hospital because when someone else is taking care of her they tend to feed her a lot of sugar, I currently have her on a good diet - she doesn’t have “sugar spells”.
I tried!! My kids miss me, my grandbabies miss me, my friends miss me and boy how I miss them!
I just wanted to do the right thing - I thought this was temporary just until my brother got out of jail - didn’t know he would OD just hours after being released! All that money my mom tried to make him happy - but drugs destroy they don’t make people happy!! My mom almost mourned herself to death after he died - she’s so sad without him!! I told her to get him help put the money towards rehab not to the drug dealers….
I honestly don’t think APS can help but I sure will try!! Thank you everyone so much for your advice and support I really appreciate it!!
Your first post was 4 years ago and looks like much has not changed. Did you call APS like suggested? What happened there if you did? Mom has to be declaired incompetent or that she needs 24/7 care and there is no one willing to do it. If you don't have POA, again get APS involved. If you do, still get APS involved. Mom may no longer have a choice.
If you feel your mother should have a "wellness check" by APS then I would call them and tell them all you told us, and put it into their hands.
I would not accept POA or responsibility for such a parent, and would resign it if I am designated as POA, or simply not assume the duty. It is impossible to act for someone who is uncooperative.