How do you know when you cannot take care of someone any longer?

Dave, take a deep breath. Talk with your/her doctors. Consider a temporary placement in a respite facility. You need her to be less of a pressure right now. And she may need a peaceful place to be for a short while. TALK with the doctors. During the time she is living elsewhere, you can check available facilities for her needs, and make a calmer more permanent, decision. Visit these places, check out the rooms in which people live, check out the food service, the available community events, the nitty-gritty of what will be her life there. Meet the staff that you can, consider what kind of people they are. After a long time dealing with these things, I am most comfortable when the staff are efficient, but compassionate and give my husband attention, listen to him with respect (even when he is in fantasy territory). And try, really try, to understand what your wife is feeling. She is aware something is wrong, she has no way to understand what it is or to communicate her concerns. She reacts with anger and sometimes rage. There is help out there for both of you. I truly hope you find it soon. Within the next two weeks I move my beloved husband into his 'forever home'. He can no longer be kept safe in a home environment. I am devastated, I feel guilty that I could not keep him at home. But I can't. I wish you -- AND your wife -- well, and that you can get through this with no loss of love and the warmth you have shared all these years.

Her doctor can write a script to receive a home care worker to help with your wife asap paid for by your state with no charge to you. Start there... that will give you some time to think and open conversations for more assistance.

The crux of the problem is their tests aren't showing any UTI. This has happened before. Apparently she's sensitive to the bacteria at a level too low for the tests to show for 12-24 hours, during which time she is manic and fantasizing she can walk but the docs refuse to believe she's not that way all the time. The head nurse says they can't admit her without a diagnosis. I told her exactly what I know about the diagnosis from years of experience. And I told her the Alz Assoc and my caregiver support group are on my side! ✊🏻✊🏻Yay, us! 🕊🕊🕊💕💕💕

The hospital has reported me to adult protective services. Hopefully they can help us come up with a solution

Wonderful news! I am so happy for you and your wife.

Great news :)

Dave, I'm SO very happy for you!

dave - that IS awesome news!!! You now have a good direction to go. Wonderful!!!! I am happy for you and your whole family.

I got some awesome news today! Talked to an attorney who said there is a new Medicaid program called MAGI. Modified Adjusted Gross Income Medicaid. She can get medicaid without an issue of my income, business etc. all because she is under 65. He said it won't even affect our house, though he did suggest moving that out of her name. But hallelujah, what awesome news!!!!!

Frances........will start the Medicaid process...........thanks........

Do you folks remember the Terri Schiavo case, the young woman who was divorcing her husband but had not finalized so he still had the spousal authority to direct her health care? After her big accident, her parents wanted to continue life support but the husband wanted to discontinue, and there was a big court case?

Divorcing a spouse who does not have a healthcare POA ends the able-bodied spouse's ability to direct the disabled former spouse's healthcare.

I'm sorry that some people thought I was "dictating" behavior earlier in this thread when I quoted a famous book to support the OP. Even a U of IL law professor said, "that as marriage becomes less sacred in our society, the utility of divorce as a Medicaid planning strategy will outweigh its moral repugnance." I suppose we are there. Nevertheless, in the absence of a POA, there will be no legal documentation to support Dave directing the care of his former spouse.

It is very important that you make an appointment and get started on the paperwork for Medicaid as soon as possible to get in the system. Even if your wife is not yet eligible you can get the process started.
You can download the forms online, go in person (to Jobs and Family Services in Ohio) to pick them up, or call and request they be mailed to you. Fill out everything, provide documentation on expenses and assets, don’t hide anything.
For me this meant getting to their office at 7am to get in line and wait to meet with a social worker. I had all the papers ready, even a spread sheet showing the expenses I had incurred on Dad's behalf. The social worker appreciated my efforts, anything to make her job easier. Be patient, it's a government process and very slow. It took them 3 weeks to respond to an email informing them of my father's death!
If possible find a resource to help you. Check at your Doctor's office or other medical facility you use. I had a lot of help from Catholic Family Services and we are not Catholic! Maybe even AARP.
paying for seniorcare.com has some good information about assets and "spending down."

Frances & Sue
I SO hear you both! Were you able to spend down for Medicaid? I am on the verge of NH placement as I am "in your boat" now after 3 yrs of caring for Mom w/COPD & ALZ. Really 5 yrs if you count taking over cleaning, appts, car,lawn etc

Did you have the facility fill out the Medicaid application or an Attorney? Have heard horror stories about this final step to get your LO placed. I know I must sound like it's all about the money........it's not.
I told Mom not to save me any $$$ & to enjoy the fruits of her labor......she did alot of traveling & spent thousands of dollars on hearing aides but there is still some in accounts & annuities.
I know she should pay her way but it doesn't seem fair to those who worked so hard their whole lives & sacrificed daily while the neighbor who choose not to work and yet walks by the house everyday to buy a 12 pack. How do I let this go????

Frances,
I'm 61 and I feel the same way. Mom, (95 stage 6-7 Alzheimer's), had to be put into memory care. They are doing a good job.
I'm a nurse, so I know how to take care of people but I could NOT physically and mentally handle my mom. I WON'T feel guilty if I CAN'T take care of her.

Same for you Dave. Don't feel guilty for not being ABLE to be SuperMan. We all have our limits and we're only human. When your body or mind are "screaming" that you've had enough, then listen to it.
If you don't , then your mental and physical health suffers and you are no use to anyone.

I am so glad you have taken steps in Ohio. I am now dealing with my widowed mother, age 91, living alone in a large family home. I am 63 and ready to retire and determined that the next phase f my life is not focused on her. I have been working since I was 15 and am determined to have a few years to enjoy and indulge myself! As long as Mom is safe and well cared for I will not feel guilty.

Fisherman
Did you do a Medicaid "spend down?" If so what items were allowable?
The potential NH for Mom will apply for Medicaid for us but I am just not "trusting" them. Would they be more likely to ding me for anything they can as opposed to my Attorney doing the application? Like invalid spending? I have receipts & all monies were spent on Mom's care but I've heard they are not necessarily on your side. Is this off base & unfounded?

Moms house is in a trust for yrs so no problem there. Any inside info would be much appreciated. Sounds like you made all the right moves!

Check with hospice even if your wife is expected to live more than the six months specified by hospice. When repeated hospitalizations could not help my husband, my husband's primary care doctor made arrangements for a hospice evaluation. My husband received home health care through hospice. Later, the hospice team helped/forced me to place him in a nursing home, where he lived and died under hospice care.

Divorce?

3rd night in a row I can't sleep. My head's still spinning with all this going on. I expect call backs this week coming that will get this to the next step. I am guessing I'm still looking at another 6 months if I don't drag my heels anymore. The process of a divorce, getting her signed up on medicaid, getting a decision to move her to a place and it happening. Gotta be 6 months at least...

The mountains to climb yet are having another talk with her and getting it to this point. Gonna be lots of crying and I'm sure anger at me. She's been calling me at work a good bit crying, can't wait till I get home.

Lucy, hang in there. People don't realize how tough this all is on us. TG we have a forum here we can lean on each other's shoulder and vent etc. Hopefully you can reach out as well and we all can get some needed help. This is all incredibly emotionally draining.

Dave - so glad you're getting help. You are not abandoning your wife. She is drowning you with her disease and disability. You have to save yourself. Your wedding vow didn't say you have to personally clean up after her. It says to take care of her and you are doing just that by having her in a care facility where she will be cared for. 

Once your wife is moved to a facility and you get your life back, please update us so we can share your good news with you.

iam dave - I have read but not responded till now. I don't see the situation as black or white. If you place your wife in a facility where she gets good care you are not abandoning her, but making a decision for the best of all concerned. Everybody's needs have to be considered - not just the sick or disabled person's. You have made a great start by sharing here and with family. Keep up the good work.

I would re-emphasize the need to investigate Medicaid options very closely. I have just been down that road and it worked out fine for me. Several comments here about what Medicaid will and wont do are inaccurate. Now admittedly, Medicaid varies from state but the basic principles are similar.

For example, not making a house you own your principle residence may be a mistake in that your house may be construed "investment" property and not shielded from Medicare. Its involved but well worth digging into it. I also found the care unit you are considering may well help you get Medicaid financial support ...... they did for me.

Good luck .. we're all in the same boat with you on this.

My wife told me she needed to go "back" to see her parents (dead for 20-30 years) ..she told me she had been told that their caskets were empty when they were buried. How she came up with that one, who knows.

Lucy,

I understand your anger. I feel it too. I take care of my 81 y.o. Alz mother at my house. I have young kids and a husband. I feel robbed of a normal life with them, robbed of my freedom.
This new year, I vow to try to give attention to my children and husband and ME first. Then my mom. It is not fair or right to ruin my life and my marriage, my family for a old sick person who has had a full life and will never get better, only worse.

It probably sounds selfish, but it's not, it's self-preservation.

PS
I really should check on my now vacant house after the snow storm....I get twice as much snow on my hill..love my house............its a Winter Wonderland on my mountain.....more shoveling......
OMG! Just remembered...today is dump day!............closes @ 2..........I've missed it...........we have REALLY smelly garbage these days!

Just cant do it all today now after the poop incident robbed me of so much time......add ANGER to the list............it's always on the list now......can't seem to shake it off.......ever........

Today is the 1st day that Mom was laying in her own excrement without even realizing it.

Came in the house after an hour of shoveling snow & immediately smelled THAT smell. This is after earlier this am getting her up, making her eggs & toast , the meds , cleaning litter box & commode,dishes & other stuff I was way too tired to take care of last nite. All seems OK & in order with Mom (oh great day...am upbeat & positive...sun trying to peak out) even tho I have yet to even brush my teeth or comb my hair or even eat yet. I wear(cute!) sweats to bed so I am ready for anything........not dressed either.

Texted Moms plow guy as I can't get out until he comes...says he'll be here @ noon. Awesome! I can get out for an hr or 2 of cross country skiing........

Plow guy here.........when I get myself together I am FREE............oh joyous day....sun is out.....counting my blessings!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the smell....still thinking OK...she forgot to flush or its waiting for me in the commode. I can deal w/ that.....nope...instead a nitemare is awaiting me............refer to 1st sentence so I can spare you the details.......she really needs a shower......but I choose to do the laundry instead as the smell will only intensify the longer I put that off. Another hour before my escape......sigh.....deep breaths......

This is my day off from a 32 hr work week..........it's 1 in the afternoon...am holding back tears as I now feel paralyzed anxious fearful & sad.......will force myself to go skiing as I desperately need the Endorphin's fresh air & the beauty of Mother Nature to heal my Soul........am crying now.......can't stop.....got to check the laundry.......

Forgot the vinegar to eliminate the poop odor...... am not washing it again if I am to get out of here today....just threw it all in the dryer.....

Mom blissfully snoring away..

Did I mention I have a dinner date tonite........1st in a very long time......he knows about Mom & took care of his Mom for 3 mo post surgery....don't even feel up to it now...........am afraid of completely breaking down in the restaurant...........am not very good company at all...........am exhausted.............mentally & physically drained......

Am mad @ myself for getting mad @ Mom...add feeling GUILTY to the list........

Dave.......back @ you with the very same question.......

Dave, I'm glad that you are taking action! You both deserve a better life!

Well, wheels are in motion. Per suggestions, I have since had a meeting with my children and laid it all out. I just got off the phone with my sister and mother getting their input and letting them know how bad things have been. I have hidden a lot of the depth of this from most of my family but it's been time to lay all the cards on the table.

I have spoke to the free aid ohio has been they referred to a local edler care. I spoke to one attorney who referred me to another guy and I have a message in there as well as with some elder care place in Ohio. I'll talk to them all next week.

Looking into an assisted living place rather than a nursing home. Left a message at one I found locally.

The mountain I still have to climb is talking to her. I've laid some groundwork with her explaining that I'm exhausted and that I don't if I can do this much longer. I questioned if she's safe at home etc. also. The mountain being the amount of crying, the possible rage I will encounter when taking the next steps.

My assumption is that even if I'm staying on course not dragging my feet as I have I'm looking at 6 months easily yet.

But I do feel a little relief in that I'm doing something. I just know that even when she was in a nursing home life was a chaos for me seeing her, taking care of the house and working. But I need some help and I know I need it soon.

I appreciate all your input and just want to thank you for helping me realize it and begin researching it.

Dave,
Your desires are normal-to live a full life, be able to communicate, not have to be a business owner AND caregiver. Don't feel guilty for wanting a normal life. You're a young man who should be enjoying the fruits of your labors. But you are also stuck basically providing everything for your wife. I'd be resentful to be in that role for the unknown future.
When my husband was near death, then convalescing, it was like each day was 3 days long.

She can't speak so that pretty much cuts off communication. Without communication, how do you continue a relationship?

In my opinion, you have "crashed" and are "burning" at the moment. Your posts are filled with anxiety, sadness, frustration, supressed anger, confusion, hopelessness and situational instability. I suggest you see a therapist. You didn't say that you've tried that option. This is a great forum but there's nothing like face to face help. Try it. If you don't find its helping after a few sessions, then quit. I've benefited greatly from therapy visits.

I would also suggest a "break", not necessarily a forever thing, but a little time out for both of you by having her go to a facility or stay with other family for a short time.
I know you want to honor your marriage but are you in that spot right now? A little rest can put the situation in a better light.

What a good husband you are for considering your wife. How hard it must be to be in her shoes too. It's overwhelmingly sad that this happened to your relationship. Even sadder that she may have contributed to her own demise.

I would also suggest that you open up your feelings to your family. Maybe everyone is thinking, "Dave/Dad is really handling this situation with wife/mom well." It's OK to admit the situation is getting to be too much for you.

Please see a business attorney regarding your son and how care for his mother will effect your business. Also an attorney that can advise you regarding your wife's handicapped status. I believe she would qualify for state disability.

We prayed for you and your wife this evening and will continue to keep ya'll in our prayers.

Hang in there and keep us up to date on the happenings in your household. Blessings.

Dave, if she won't take the meds that will help her condition, you owe it to her to get her to a place where professionals can give her the medical care she DESERVES.

You're not doing your wife any favors by trying to care for her yourself. You're being very selfish denying her the care she needs.

Yes, that is on my list of to do's. Couldn't sleep last night and made a list.

I'm just struggling with this:

I'm 53. Assuming I live a typical 75 years I have 5-10 decently fit years. The next 10 the health will continue to slow etc.

We never did much in our 33 years and man would it be nice to live a little. I'm not talking about hitting bars and chasing girls. I'd just like to actually go on a vacation, do some hobbies I couldn't do before etc.

But then the other voice says to me that ... she's your wife. So she's got this situation and now you're going to stick her in a home and go enjoy life on your own?

But we watched her mother go through this. Think they're superwoman and don't take their blood pressure pills and gain a bunch of weight and ... surprise, your health tanks.

I begged her to not let this happen. I watched her dad push her around i a hcair and take care of her.

She didn't listen. So now, I'm in those shoes, but much earlier than they were and already much longer. The dr says she can still live a full life. ??? So... I could have 10-20 years of this? OMG! Shoot me.

This isn't how I wanted to go out. I'm sure this isn't her plan either, but I literally begged her to take better care of herself. Nope.

I miss seeing my kids, my grandkids, getting away, talking to people who can talk back, ... living basically.

So I'm torn with "suck it up and do your job" and take care of her" or you've done 2 years, you gotta turn her over to people who can take care of her and live.

I need to be sure of this move. I have to face her family and our children knowing I didn't jump ship.

One day I'm going to stand before the Lord and I don't want to be asked why I bailed on her. That's what kept me faithful for 33 years and caring for her the last 2. Part of me wants to talk to my mother and children and ask their advice but I'm still embarrassed to bring it up.

But today I left the house for my long day at work 10-8 and she was crying. Crying when she called twice also.

So am I really doing the right thing? So torn.