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He does things that wants to do even if it will hurt others financially down the line or even hurt himself financially (Medicaid lookback - he is 93, and may someday need it). He lies, he obfuscates. When he gets caught, he then turns into a big baby to whoever will listen with his "woe is me" tales of feeling useless and a burden, etc. He really does get himself very worked up. In this way, he tries to deflect any criticism away from him, I believe. People feel sorry for him and then I usually become the bad guy. Is that a personality disorder?

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What is your relationship with your dad at this time? I know you want answers as to ‘why?’ We all are curious to know what makes others tick. I get that.

Leave the diagnosis to a professional to do. You’re just speculating. I would want to see a person’s credentials because your dad sounds defensive and will say anything to cover his butt.

You could find a suitable mental healthcare worker and suggest he go for whatever tests you feel are necessary but you can’t force him to do it.

Vent anytime. Try to seek therapy for yourself if you haven’t done so already to find peace for yourself. It takes time to heal after being hurt. Nothing happens overnight.

I hope things improve for you soon.
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JoLoBx Oct 17, 2019
That's okay. A diagnosis is not going to change anything. It is what it is. I was in therapy for a while due to him. It's just a recent incident with him that has me down now. I just have to get over it because it cannot be corrected.
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I know I sound awful but hopefully Dad will not get himself into a hole before he passes. If he does and needs 24/7 care u may just have to wash ur hands of him. Let the state take over his care.

He must be a charming person. If he had screwd me in a financial venture I doubt if I would even be talking to him. He sounds like a Con man to me. I know there are filial laws in some states concerning responsibility for parents care but I don't think u would be held responsible if u couldn't afford it or based on the past.
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JoLoBx Oct 17, 2019
There are some sociopathic tendencies, for sure. I don't think he sets out to con people, but I could be wrong. That would really be disturbing, if true. My concern for my mom's care forced me to make peace with it.
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Okay, so you say you’ve had an epiphany about his behavior? I am not trying to be a smart a**.

Doesn’t really matter even if you had a revelation concerning his behavior.

What I am curious about is, are you interested in his future? I am not asking what he is interested in. You have explained that he has issues and sounds like he causes you a lot of grief. Sorry about that.

How can we help you to help him, providing that is your desire? Are you just looking to vent? Hey, no judgment if that’s all it is. Most of us have had more than our share to gripe about. Vent away!
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JoLoBx Oct 17, 2019
I just don't know if you can help. It is just out of frustration and bafflement that I look for an answer as to what his problem is. I suppose it doesn't really matter what label fits him.
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Well, if you are a Google Doctor like I am, you can diagnose your dear dad with anything from a flesh eating disease to narcissistic personality disorder. Or maybe one of 30,000 other dreadful illnesses, disorders or afflictions, take your pick. But at 93, I can tell you that things won't be getting better, that's for sure! I would say, based on my Google MD, that your dad is suffering from It's All About ME Syndrome meaning he's a selfish man with little regard for anyone or anything that doesn't concern HIM. And he's never to blame for ANYTHING, so everybody else is The Bad Guy.

Sounds like my mother. She'll be 93 in January and I've been unsuccessfully trying to diagnose HER mental illness since I was a child and kept a notebook about all of her antics. In case the men in the white coats showed up one day to take her away. They never did show up, and she's only gotten worse over the years.

Best of luck !
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 17, 2019
It’s true, lealonnie. Some people are really good faking it too. Like his dad does with the ‘woe is me’ crap. So it takes awhile to diagnose or get to the bottom of something.
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"Aactually, he did go see one last year and got a cognitive test that he passed with flying colors. Now she is a friend if his and they go to dinner. She lent him her truck recently when his broke down."

The person he went to see was a geriatric psychiatrist? With an MD degree?

Or was it a social worker, or licensed mental health counselor?

Do you have an independent report of the findings or just dad's word about what the findings were?
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JoLoBx Oct 17, 2019
Not sure. She runs the Gerontology department for the local hospital. It was what my dad said. I see your point. He has never been a reliable source of the truth. But they are friends now.
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Is his behavior out of line with how he has always been? I always feel like a change in character is a red flag. Can you share a bit more? When did you first start to question his behavior? Be honest with yourself so you can help him as best as you can to know what your next step will be regarding his future care.
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JoLoBx Oct 17, 2019
I believe he's always been like this. I just didn't know him well enough to see it until I started being my mom's Medicaid advocate and getting deep into the (inexplicable, messy) way he handled their finances. But I get so baffled with his behavoir that I want to find a label for it. It doesn't really matter, I guess...
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Hi, I really don't know what 'obfuscates' means...I did look it up so I'll try my best to answer you. It may be that dad is regressing, or pretending to be confused, to obtain sympathy from others, (& piss you off). I think elderly do that a lot. If he's in his right mind, he could be just messing with u. (My mother sure did it 2me). You'll probably never know though, cuz nobody will figure it out if he's intentionally deceptive.
Try not to let it bother you, ...cuz that's prob what he wants. Sorry to presume that about ur dad,...maybe I'm too cynical. Best wishes!
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He fits very well into the "histrionic" personality disorder type from the sound. They will fib, they will play the pity card when caught out. So sounds a little like that. But I suppose we could each of us be diagnosed with one disorder or another.
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JoLoBx Oct 17, 2019
I read a little about that disorder and only some things seem true for him.
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So, you wrote this in August 2018:
That is EXACTLY like my dad, who is 91. I really have to tip toe around him because I never know what innocent remark is going to set him off. And he really gets set off! Explosively. His main point of view is that he thinks I am assuming he is stupid when I asked for information for Medicaid for my mom so she could have aides or reminded him what he cannot spend money on because of Medicaid. And believe me he tried to color outside the lines! I had to watch his accounts like a hawk and warn people not to lend him money. He does not have dementia or any other cognitive disorder either. I have come to the point of asking myself, do I really need to say or do what I think I need to say or do? The answer many times is no. I just agree with him, whatever he says now even if it is wrong. Just agree, "Yes we need cat food. Thank you for reminding me."

So, you've been tiptoeing around your dad for more than a year. It's time to get him in to see a geripsych.
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JoLoBx Oct 17, 2019
Aactually, he did go see one last year and got a cognitive test that he passed with flying colors. Now she is a friend if his and they go to dinner. She lent him her truck recently when his broke down.
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JoLo;

I think the question may be broader than "does he have a personality disorder?"

The question is more like "why does Dad do things that are not in his best interest?"

Have you considered having him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to delve into what might be going on? Might be dementia, might be mental illness of one sort or another, might be Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus--just for a stab from afar. You need to have him evaluated to find out what is amiss.

Also, is this NEW behavior, or has he always deflected responsibility?

In what way are you getting blamed? Are you responsible in some way for his care?

Do you have POA for finances and healthcare? In general, it's not a good thing to take on responsibility for care if you don't have the power to spend money for caregivers/evaluation/ and direct healthcare decisions.
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JoLoBx Oct 17, 2019
I am the one who tries to ensure he doesn't break any Medicaid rules for a possible look back in the future. Yes, he has always deflected responsibility. He has screwed people over in business, including my husband. When we found out and confronted him, he burst into tears and had the hugest emotional fit, that really shocked me. He maintained that my husband had misunderstood their arrangement. Of course, there was plenty of evidence to the contrary. My dad just simply wanted all the money.
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