My spouse is 81.He has problems with his legs swelling.He is doing well,and takes medication for this.About 7 years ago he decided he didn't ant to drive,not go anywhere.When we sold our farm to move to town he didn't go with me to look at houses,so I picked the house we bought.He is a big guy-6'5",300 lbs. I gave up trying to get him to exercise.I have arrived at I don't care what you do.I am 75 with no health problems fortunately.I do see friends,do art,etc.I have someone stay with him if I am gone for a few days.He can do more than he thinks or depends on me too much.It is frustrating and depressing.UGH
So just keep it up as we are not guaranteed tomorrow.
I took a 7 day cruise to Alaska by myself. Solo. I have friends who don’t know him. I go on vacations with girlfriends etc.
It’s not ideal and yes occasionally I get frustrated and it’s not the same because your guy is older and has some heart issues or whatever is causing his legs to swell.
Make your own bucket list and start doing it. You will find likeminded kind souls along the way. I have actually fallen in with some solo cruisers who live all around the country. Most of them have spouses who have died. We met on a Holland America cruise.
There are even some solo male female pairs who are strictly platonic and share a cabin for cost savings. (I’m not sure I would do that but I have no opinion about what works best for them). One widower is very clearly still very much in love with his late wife. I think he might just miss female company.
So my advice is get out there and live your life. HUGS. I wish you the best.
Have you watched The Guilded Age on HBO Max? It’s so so so so good. I just started it— made by Julian Fellows of Downton Abbey.
I love traveling solo. It's easy to meet people, or not talk to anyone, you have your own room and don't have to cater to a companion's whims, such as they want to go for a walk rather than eat lunch. I've been on a stellar Grand Canyon motor coach tour as well as a train tour - both solo. The tour company handles all the details. All you have to do is show up.
If husband is a drag, don't let him drag you along with him.
Work on your happiness, concentrate on what makes you happy.
Getting old is frustrating and depressing, no getting around it. Just do what you want (especially if he doesn't object) and have someone take care of him when you are gone.
If you can afford it, I'd have a caregiver come in a few times a week when you are there as well. Sounds like he is not going to change and stay at home.
Is there another problem in that he wants more attention from you and gets it by expecting you to "do" for him. Or is he depressed? He kinda sounds that way to me. It's hard to live with someone who is depressed. From what you have written is seems that he "gave up" 7 years ago. has he been evaluated for depression?
I am glad you are looking after yourself. I would talk this over with his doctor and see if evaluations will bring something to light. There is even a possibility of dementia creeping in.