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My spouse is 81.He has problems with his legs swelling.He is doing well,and takes medication for this.About 7 years ago he decided he didn't ant to drive,not go anywhere.When we sold our farm to move to town he didn't go with me to look at houses,so I picked the house we bought.He is a big guy-6'5",300 lbs. I gave up trying to get him to exercise.I have arrived at I don't care what you do.I am 75 with no health problems fortunately.I do see friends,do art,etc.I have someone stay with him if I am gone for a few days.He can do more than he thinks or depends on me too much.It is frustrating and depressing.UGH

You keep your sanity by continuing to live and enjoy your life despite what your husband chooses to do with his life, which it sounds like you're already doing.
So just keep it up as we are not guaranteed tomorrow.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I’m glad posters here are encouraging you to get out and enjoy life. Good advice. I’m concerned about where this is headed, probably sooner than anyone wants. We are “use it or lose it” bodies and minds. I’m not a natural exerciser, but do it daily. I also have altered my diet quite a bit. Fully know you can’t and shouldn’t try to control your husband’s poor choices, but the consequences are coming. Be very sure all needed legal documents are in place and his wishes are known. Work on paring down belonging he’s not using, if needed. Anything you can think of to be better prepared for the health crisis that may be to come. I wish you peace and good things in life
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Live for yourself. My husband is simply a very busy person at the top of his earnings and career. It’s either wait for him (a workaholic) to decide to do things, or I do them myself.

I took a 7 day cruise to Alaska by myself. Solo. I have friends who don’t know him. I go on vacations with girlfriends etc.

It’s not ideal and yes occasionally I get frustrated and it’s not the same because your guy is older and has some heart issues or whatever is causing his legs to swell.

Make your own bucket list and start doing it. You will find likeminded kind souls along the way. I have actually fallen in with some solo cruisers who live all around the country. Most of them have spouses who have died. We met on a Holland America cruise.

There are even some solo male female pairs who are strictly platonic and share a cabin for cost savings. (I’m not sure I would do that but I have no opinion about what works best for them). One widower is very clearly still very much in love with his late wife. I think he might just miss female company.

So my advice is get out there and live your life. HUGS. I wish you the best.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Bulldog54321 Jul 1, 2025
lol I do the same thing— he watches TV (terrible taste in programming) and I watch something on my iPad with earbuds.

Have you watched The Guilded Age on HBO Max? It’s so so so so good. I just started it— made by Julian Fellows of Downton Abbey.
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This is really helpful; it's good to know there are others who are in different places than their spouses and just GO and DO. Very motivating.
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Reply to YaYa79
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Sometimes there are trips and tours where they have room for only one more to fill up the bus. Tickets might be half price. Act quickly and be that one!

I love traveling solo. It's easy to meet people, or not talk to anyone, you have your own room and don't have to cater to a companion's whims, such as they want to go for a walk rather than eat lunch. I've been on a stellar Grand Canyon motor coach tour as well as a train tour - both solo. The tour company handles all the details. All you have to do is show up.

If husband is a drag, don't let him drag you along with him.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I agree with everything everyone said, live and enjoy your life. If it hasn't been said, I'm not sure how much you do for your husband, but I'd pull back a bit. Let him do for himself more, don't enable him to not do for himself.

Work on your happiness, concentrate on what makes you happy.
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Reply to Drivingdaisy
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You are 75 with no health problems....YET. But stress will bring the problems on if you let it.

Getting old is frustrating and depressing, no getting around it. Just do what you want (especially if he doesn't object) and have someone take care of him when you are gone.

If you can afford it, I'd have a caregiver come in a few times a week when you are there as well. Sounds like he is not going to change and stay at home.
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Reply to Dawn88
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As the others have said, you keep on doing what you. But you mention that he depends on you too much which seems to be the problem. Has he been evaluated as to how much he really can do? We are talking about ADLs here. If he can do them, then he should be doing them for his own sake. If not can you find (hire) a companion/aide for him not just when you go out.

Is there another problem in that he wants more attention from you and gets it by expecting you to "do" for him. Or is he depressed? He kinda sounds that way to me. It's hard to live with someone who is depressed. From what you have written is seems that he "gave up" 7 years ago. has he been evaluated for depression?

I am glad you are looking after yourself. I would talk this over with his doctor and see if evaluations will bring something to light. There is even a possibility of dementia creeping in.
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Reply to golden23
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Keep the focus on living your own life and pursuing your own interests.
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Reply to brandee
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