How do you keep someone else’s worries from turning into yours?

Cateract surgery. There are 3 kinds of lenses you can get. One Medicare pays for but you have to wear glasses. Two, you get 20/20 vision but need readers. You pay for these lens. Third the bifocals are included in the lenses so you need no glasses.

You need to find out which surgery he has had.

First of all, with the level of care that your dad requires, I cannot imagine how you concluded that he doesn’t belong in managed care of some sort.

It’s called denial and it happens a lot when an adult child doesn’t want to face facts. I get it. You think that if you can just keep running over there and handling things ad infinitum, you’ll keep the bogey man at bay and you and dad will manage. If you just fix more meals and work until exhaustion, and if you forget about the cancer for a while because you’re working so hard, and if you stumble into your car just one more night and drive over there with your heart pounding to find out if he’s dead this time and if he is what will you do, it will still all work out and you’re a dutiful daughter so you don’t mind any sacrifice or inconvenience because it’s all worth it somehow….

Except that it’s not working.

You can’t fix this and it’s time to admit that. There’s help for both of you, and your mindset needs to change so you can go find it. Follow the great suggestions you see here, and good luck.

I know a lot about it because I’ve done it myself. I wish I hadn’t. It was way beyond my pay grade.

I went through this with my father. Older people with health risks, particularly a fall risk, should not live alone. Assisted living was the best place for my father at his stage of life. He likes it. So do I and my brother and his family. There's no better feeling than knowing my father has professional, friendly caregivers 24/7 checking in with him on a regular basis.

Part 2 Family & You: Your worried caller.. Errrgghhh
Yep, we have one of those!
'this person' is being a pain in your rear end right?

You can do as you are.. state what you know - eg well he was fine when I last saw/spoke to him. I'd be tempted to state their possible fears out loud eg Yes it is possible he fell, hit his head, blood oozing everywhere just seconds after hanging up the phone. Dad lives alone. He has choosen to live alone. To enjoy that but also take on the risk of living alone. It's called *Dignity of Choice*.

If 'this person' feels he is unsafe, then 'this person' can take that up with Dad.

In other words, it's their worry. They can own it. They can do something other than harrass you. Drive over there, call a neighbour, install cameras, ask Dad to get a falls alarm watch etc. Or ask Dad to call them every morning or night to check in. (Many families do that).

I get it though. You hang up & then the worries eat at you.. grrr.. when you were fine before they panicked & called.

I just read your profile.

It sounds like your dad has had a change in mental status of late.

We observed this sort of change in my mom. Her doctor wasn't concerned.

Months later, we discovered that she'd had a undiagnosed stroke that had taken out most of her reasoning abilities, her ability to prioritize and to make decisions.

I'd get dad a full neuropsych work up, with imaging.

Part 1 Dad & You: I'm kind of thinking IF Dad is happy being mostly alone in his home, is MOSTLY coping AND the level of cooking & visits is sustainable to you - then OK. Well OK for now..

If however, Dad is lonely, not really coping, or this level of care has become burdonsome to you, definatley call your Area of Aging/Council (whatever it is in Dad's area) for suggestions & services.

Timeframe will impact. As will severity of illness.

Is Dad's health situation stable, likely to improve? Eg The Ca something that he will finish a short-term treatment then hopefully regain his independance again? Or is this his 'new normal'?

Your father should be in Assisted Living with a Memory Care available for him to segue into if necessary, imo, based on your Profile info. Naturally you cannot be there full time, but someone CAN be there 24/7 in AL. With cognitive decline, anything can happen at any time. I understand your concern for his welfare and believe it's warranted, actually. Perhaps speak to him about getting a caregiver in home at least.

Good luck to you.

Flubber,

Council on Aging in your dad’s area will conduct an assessment of his needs. You mentioned seeing some confusion in your profile, so a visit to the doctor is a good idea too.

Tell his doctor everything that you are concerned about. Are you his POA?

It is natural for you to be concerned about your dad. Try not to become overwhelmed.

Don’t neglect yourself during this period. If you are struggling emotionally, I second Alva’s suggestion to speak with someone. Then you will be better prepared to handle this situation.

I do believe others pick up on our anxiety and it complicates matters. It’s always better to sort out our own emotions before speaking to others about their situation.

Hoping this situation improves for you soon.

You are not only enabling the behavior, you are in many ways CREATING it. I can't figure out why. I think you feel it is "easier" somehow to know what is happening every single second, but you may be creating a lot of anxiety. It is like letting an anxious person work with an anxious dog; they almost always end up in a whirling stew of confusion.
You need to get some help for yourself now, then set some limits. Be certain you parent has a phone number for emergencies, but not calling constantly.

If a parent is so ill as to need this kind of oversight, then they should be in care.
You are not the local EMS team. You aren't paid to be. Nor can you have any kind of life with 24/7 oncall shifts in this manner.

It is time for a true assessment of Dad's needs and who will be fulfilling them. And it is time to be certain the answer isn't always you. You will have to take control of this; no one can do it for you.

Flubber,

I just read your profile and feel like I have a clearer understanding of what you’re saying.

When my dad died mom wanted to remain in her home. I respected her wishes and did what I could to help her.

It’s not easy. I had a job, a husband, two kids that I was raising, etc. I took care of my mother’s needs on the weekends and occasionally during the week when I could take off work.

You sound as frustrated and exhausted as I was when I was running back and forth to my mom’s house.

There were times when I got in the car to drive over to my mom’s house because she didn’t answer the phone. She was usually in the bathroom or speaking with the neighbor outside.

Do you have a neighbor’s telephone number that you can call when you can’t reach your dad?

Have you ever contacted Council on Aging in your father’s area to see if he would qualify for some assistance to take some of the burden off of you?

Would your dad hire a caregiver from an agency a few hours each week to help out?

Have you thought about installing cameras in your dad’s house to be able to view his activity?

Have you spoken to him about living in an assisted living facility?

Best wishes to you and your dad.