I've learned so much over the past year about myself and my family and am determined to break the dysfunctional patterns that have existed for generations. Addiction, mental illness, martyrdom, depression, poor self-esteem, hoarding etc. I am close with my adult children and want to discuss what I've learned but I don't want them to think their grandparents (or me) are bad people. It just explains a lot about who I am and how I parented and the choices I've made. Yes, I plan on seeing a therapist when I get home but I'm curious to see how others have healed from this process.
Sometimes we feel like we need to "explain" our parenting to our kids. We feel we could have done a better job--(everybody feels that way, BTW)--and unless you truly have issues that need to be hashed out--I'd not stir the pot.
I've been in therapy on and off for 20 years, I had a very rocky upbringing along with all the issues you named. My kids know enough to kind of give me a pass on some of the places I felt I "failed". Truth is, they are so busy living their lives, that mine isn't of interest to them.
I "healed" by therapy, meds and learning to self care. I am still healing. I probably always will be. The LAST thing my kids want to hear is the latest epiphany I have received--I'm sure they would be happy for me---but it's so very personal.
The truth rises to the surface. If your kids are as fine as you say---just let them keep on with the relationship you have. Keep doing fun/good things together. Stay close to them as they'll allow. Don't dump anymore "stuff" on them.
Go into therapy FIRST. Find a therapist you truly, truly trust and follow their advice. Mine's was to let my kids know that absolute least about my childhood and leave it at that. I was damaged tremendously, and telling them was awful.
They were awesome and supportive--but beware of the emotional fallout than can come from oversharing.
If there are things you feel like you should apologize to your kids for, I would recommend running it first by your therapist and coming up with a way to do so in a succinct way that would acknowledge their feelings without oversharing or making excuses. And then just listen to their feelings too if they want to talk about it, but don't push if they don't.
Above all, I'd agree with the not oversharing part, especially about your own past or if there is a history of abuse in your childhood. I say that because I learned some things from my mom about her childhood that were traumatic for me to hear, and I have needed therapy myself to process them. My mom used me as a confidante and therapist a lot, and at times it felt very heavy on my mind and heart. You want to make sure you don't leave your kids with your baggage. Your therapist can help you to navigate how to delicately say whatever needs to be said.
A better idea might be to journal your thoughts. That’s what I do. If there’s something you feel they absolutely must know, put it down there. Sometimes I don’t write for a week, but when I do put my thoughts down, I feel like I accomplished something.
I, too, don’t believe it is helpful to overshare with children either. There are some things that are too painful to lay at my children’s door. On the other hand, there have been a few times that I have had to share with them certain events from my past which intruded into the present. This was done in order to explain over-reactions on my part to things that were happening. Post Traumatic Stress is real! At the time, I was reliving the earlier trauma. I now know that when I have an emotional over-reaction, that it is historical and may have nothing to do with reality. This takes a lot of the power out of it.
It was helpful to share with my adult children what precipitated these flashbacks so that they would understand their mother a little more. I recall my son telling me, “Mom, I never knew!”, and I remember looking at him in wonder, because he was right! That part of my past was never part of his life. So, yes, I am sparing with the burdens laid on my children, and I try to practice discernment in how much truth to share.
Don't share your dirty laundry in public.
Don't speak ill of the dead.
Lisa jean,
The answers you have received below are amazing.
What is even more amazingly wonderful is your response to the advice given.
You must be being hard on yourself, but I see you as a really quick learner!