how do you "help" an elderly person cope with aging who has had a stroke and has memory loss?

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I am a caregiver who is taking care of an 85 year old woman who has recently had a stroke. She is in denial of her memory loss and is having a hard time having to "taken care of". She lies in bed all day and wants me to "wait" on her. She wants to make her own decisions but does not want to take physical responsibility for herself. How do I "help" her and still allow her to keep her dignity?

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Do you know if she has a religous connection? Perhaps a spiritual lead or someone from her church or other spiritual home could visit and help her through some of this. An old friend can fill the same type of role. It's a matter of a third party, preferably someone she trusts, who may be able to help her "get a grip."
Check with her doctor about depression, too. That is common after a stroke. If the doctor wants to try a medication and one doesn't work, they can try another. They don't all work the same. It does seem as though depression is the issue. Counseling could help, but it's not likely you can get her to go.
That's why I suggest people who will come in to see her.

Good luck. This has to be hard on you.
Carol
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She's being treated for depression but refuses to take initiative to the things suggested to her to help her cope with her losses in life. She's had counselors come to the home, she stopped going to a psychologist because she didn't want to go out to her appointments, and everyone that tries to help her, she manipulates them into enabling her. I've had to give her "tough love" but she challenges me with everything. She refuses to get dressed, make her bed, shower, prepare her meals, exercise, etc. I try to compromise with her, example: "I will fix your breakfast while you get dressed". She says "I need something to eat right now" or "I'm too sick to get dressed". And she sits and watches me. If I don't prepare her meals, she won't eat or she nibbles and complains. What more can I do to help her rather than enable her. I DON'T want her going to a nursing home, but that's where the family says she will end up if she doesn't become more compliable.
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booooo whooo... who cares
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